How can I move past my sister's reaction before Mum's birthday?

[SweetSwallows]

Sorry, this will be a long one.

My dad is terminally ill and will shortly be moving into a hospice. My mum's birthday is coming up. I live about 300 miles away; my sister lives in the same town as our parents, both quite run down areas (relevant).

Since my dad had to move into the spare room and their house filled up with the paraphernalia of his illness, I haven't been able to stay there. I've always visited for a week at the time of my mum's birthday - it means a lot to my mum, especially now she has to cope with my dad, - but for the last few years I have stayed with my sister and her husband.

She and her husband have a dog with complex health needs, which can't be kennelled, so to allow them to go on holiday, I've dog-sat for them several times, travelling to her house at my own expense and taking care of the dog's routine and meds etc.

My usual summer visit was planned months ago, and I booked advance train tickets which were not very cheap, nearly £200.

My sister messaged me today very briefly, to tell me that I could no longer stay with them - her husband's sister is having a family crisis and will be staying in their spare room..

I'm not sure what kind of response she expected, but I messaged back to say it wasn't good news, I couldn't change or cancel my train tickets or my annual leave from work, and I wanted to spend time with our dad while I still could, what options did she suggest?

I got back what I can only describe as a four-screen long text rant, telling me to grow the fuck up and stay in a fucking hotel, how dare I try to guilt trip her etc.

I was shocked. She has herself in the past advised me against staying in hotels in the area as anything remotely in my budget is used by the council to house people, often with issues, drug users and so on. The unexpected vitriol of her reply really struck a nerve and I became quite tearful.

Not to drag this out longer than needed, I replied asking why her SIL couldn't stay in a hotel for the few days I'd be there if this was such a great idea, but I would look at other options, we exchanged a few more messages and some kind of civility was restored, but the tone of her original message has really upset me and I am struggling to move past it.

I'm supposed to be dog-sitting for her in September while they go to Italy and I now feel like telling her to get her SIL to do it (she's barely mentioned her SIL to me before so I highly doubt she would do this). I bought her an expensive kitchen item to cheer her up when she was feeling low, something she really wanted but not something I'd use - she knows I've bought it for her and was thrilled when I told her - I now feel like a mug at the thought of giving it to her.

This has really soured our relationship at a time when it really needs to be strong to get through the coming months of my dad's decline.

How can I move past this?

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my lengthy post.

I would leave any further big discussions until you’re there and can discuss face to face.
Also I wouldn’t cancel dog sitting at this point - unless the SIL will definitely still be there and can do it herself.
It sounds like she has a lot on her plate and now the additional strain of SIL moving in. The September holiday could be the thing she is looking forward to - but obviously still concerned because of her DF.

This
Why did you ask her what the solution is?
Very passive aggressive
You are an adult, sort it out for yourself

Also you sound transactional and a bit of a martyr , all the stuff you have given her etc
You dont give so that people do what you insist on
Thats manipulation

Immediately on reading your post, your reply of “what options do you suggest?” wound me up. It’s very passive aggressive and also guilt tripping her further.

You’re a grown woman, you can figure out the options yourself - only logical option being get a hotel. It’s good of your sister to have hosted you every time until now. Obviously a very stressful situation for all. You should have just replied, “sorry to hear that, understood, I’ll book a travelodge”.

This is your problem to solve. Asking you sister what she suggested you do was unnecessary and I understand why she felt cross about that.

Smooth things over, sort out some alternative accommodation.

Presumably the family crisis wasn't scheduled in advance.

She must be under stress with your dad and her SIL’s issues. I’d try and talk things through.

Can you sleep on sofa or get a blow up bed at your mum’s? Sorry about your dad 💐

Yeah I agree with this. Get a blinkin hotel slightly outside the area if the hotels aren't great there. It's not rocket science.

It's up to you think of solutions, not your sister. If you can't afford a hotel then can you ask to sleep on someone's sofa? Tent in sister's garden, youth hostel, cheap air BnB, ask sister if she has any friends that wouldn't mind you staying as you'll be out 90% of the time with your family etc etc

There's options but you just wanted her to sort it out.

I feel heart sorry for your sister. She’s got your dad dying (which, of course, you do too and I feel for you) but she’s also has had all the running to do for some years, she has a sister in law in a crisis an when you visit you always stay with her, plus you wanted her to fix your problem - even if only to come up with suggestions.

you could Kip on the sofa at your parents?

Also. If you go by train does your sister and/or her family have to run you to and from and around for the week?

I'm guessing she holds some resentment about the fact that she is the one holding the fort as it were with your parents and you live away. Not fair but it happens. She sounds overwhelmed.

Tell me you're the distant/absent sibling whilst the other is local and managing ageing and increasingly needy elderly parents/poorly dog/extended family crisis/work/home/kids

...without telling me...

OP wake up. You're going to float in for a lovely birthday visit expecting to be put up for a week whilst your sister is managing day to day care of your needy parents as well as everything else she has going on? I'd be massively pissed off too. Get a hotel room. Stay on your parents sofa, get stuck in with supporting all of them for a few short days. She has this 24/7/365 and your visit is going to put even more pressure on.

Assuming she is not that close to your SIL, she isn't doing that, she is probably putting her husband first in this, as he is probably doing the asking. It is still a bit hurtful possibly but also more understandable I'd say.

Although you don't know the crisis affecting you SIL, maybe it is having an impact on her husband, directly or even indirectly.

Why not look past the very rude text ( assuming this not normal behaviour of course) and ask your sister how she is, and that she sounds very stressed? Maybe she is dealing with a dying father and also an upset husband ( depending on the nature of the family crisis affecting her SIL)

I think perhaps you might have asked about the family crisis first before moving to the issue of finding alternative accommodation though.

I completely understand why you didn't do that. You are stressed too and want to be there for your parents; that is your main focus, which is completely understandable and normal, but assuming your sister is a normal person and not usually unpleasant, once you had offered that nugget of attention to her situation, I'm willing to bet she'd have been more apologetic, less inappropriately angry with you and willing to help with solutions.

Id try to look past the outburst this time but I it is worth talking to her about it when you visit your parents, when you are both calmer or even over the phone . Don't bury your feelings of hurt but dont act in anger either

No, she doesn't drive - they live very centrally and right on a bus route. Parents are long past being able to drive. Sometimes if my partner comes with me, he drives me there and will drive us places if we need it, but his work means he can't often come, plus it's not much fun for him so I don't ask him, I just accept very gratefully if he offers (and obviously pay for all fuel)

I don't know her SIL and she never mentions her - I couldn't have told you her name off the top of my head.

This astounds me - and demonstrates how one-sided your relationship is - not to know the name of your own sister's SIL? Assuming she's been married to her husband for some time, you don't even know his sisters name?

Yet you expect to drop in on them for a week for a visit - not to do any of the grunt work of supporting your parents - and get cross because for once they can't accommodate you?

Yes, I do know that and I wish it wasn't that way. But I didn't ask her to stay in our home town just as she didn't ask me not to move away all those years ago - neither of us could see into the future. Yes, we were very naive but we were in our 20s when those decisions were made and our parents were the age we are now, working, active, fit. I won't do anything in anger, I will continue to dog sit, I will give her her gift - it would be so terribly dismal an act to return it, I don't think I could. I do very much get stuck in when I'm there, last time I deep cleaned my parents kitchen over three days, I don't waft in and out.

I think you asking to suggest what you do was rude. It’s kind of your SIL to host you, and unfortunate her SIL needs help and needs to say, but your response should have been to say ok, i’ll sort things out. Not guilt tripping her. Yes you dog sit, but she hosts you at other times so you don’t need to pay for accomodation. You’re angry she can no longer host you, and expect her to fix it, then want to not dog sit in revenge. One sure way to ruin your relationship forever. If you can’t afford a hotel, sleep on your parent’s sofa. It’s not that deep surely.

You may feel you’re getting stuck in, but she’s there every day for them, even if only on call in case of an emergency.

when you decided to stay with her for the full week, how long ago was that? Did you actually ask her if it was ok for you to do that and have you revisited that decision every year since?

im thinking if a friend who used to visit her parents every summer for 2 weeks and deliberately kipped on the sofa si that her sister could have a break and even a holiday.

It really isn't like that, she genuinely never mentions her. I know plenty of his other family's details and have met some of them, his adult children and their partners and what jobs they do (my sister's step children although they were adults by the time she met her DH), I even know his ex-wife's name, but I can't know someone I've never met and who is never or barely mentioned.

But she used the words family crisis and your response was what about me.

I would get an air bnb and then tell sister you can’t dog sit you’ve used your train budget unless she can pay your train (if helpful for you for having somewhere to stay with your dad without her)

when you decided to stay with her for the full week, how long ago was that? Did you actually ask her if it was ok for you to do that and have you revisited that decision every year since?

If you mean, in general, it was three years ago. If you mean this year, it was in January - when I have to get my summer holiday request in at work. I always check with her before booking anything.

Yes, I take that on board.

I agree with others saying your poor sister sounds like she’s at the end of her tether and rather than just leaving the ball in her court I’d be reaching out if nothing else to say. I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with all this and sorry for putting added stress on you & It’s fine I’ll sort myself out.

don’t underestimate the physical and mental toll of caring for elderly parents will have on her and that’s without having other family & pet dramas at the same time

Thats not really true though is it. Because your reaction shows that you expect her to put you up. Regardless of what else her family has going on.

Your sister is obviously stressed to the eyeballs. She has a terminally ill father, is probably supporting both parents; a sister in law that needs emergency accommodation and now you guilt tripping her.

My advice on repair would be to ask who has more capacity- from what you have described that’s you. Try to help with solutions and generosity of spirit.