How can I move past my sister's reaction before Mum's birthday?

[SweetSwallows]

Sorry, this will be a long one.

My dad is terminally ill and will shortly be moving into a hospice. My mum's birthday is coming up. I live about 300 miles away; my sister lives in the same town as our parents, both quite run down areas (relevant).

Since my dad had to move into the spare room and their house filled up with the paraphernalia of his illness, I haven't been able to stay there. I've always visited for a week at the time of my mum's birthday - it means a lot to my mum, especially now she has to cope with my dad, - but for the last few years I have stayed with my sister and her husband.

She and her husband have a dog with complex health needs, which can't be kennelled, so to allow them to go on holiday, I've dog-sat for them several times, travelling to her house at my own expense and taking care of the dog's routine and meds etc.

My usual summer visit was planned months ago, and I booked advance train tickets which were not very cheap, nearly £200.

My sister messaged me today very briefly, to tell me that I could no longer stay with them - her husband's sister is having a family crisis and will be staying in their spare room..

I'm not sure what kind of response she expected, but I messaged back to say it wasn't good news, I couldn't change or cancel my train tickets or my annual leave from work, and I wanted to spend time with our dad while I still could, what options did she suggest?

I got back what I can only describe as a four-screen long text rant, telling me to grow the fuck up and stay in a fucking hotel, how dare I try to guilt trip her etc.

I was shocked. She has herself in the past advised me against staying in hotels in the area as anything remotely in my budget is used by the council to house people, often with issues, drug users and so on. The unexpected vitriol of her reply really struck a nerve and I became quite tearful.

Not to drag this out longer than needed, I replied asking why her SIL couldn't stay in a hotel for the few days I'd be there if this was such a great idea, but I would look at other options, we exchanged a few more messages and some kind of civility was restored, but the tone of her original message has really upset me and I am struggling to move past it.

I'm supposed to be dog-sitting for her in September while they go to Italy and I now feel like telling her to get her SIL to do it (she's barely mentioned her SIL to me before so I highly doubt she would do this). I bought her an expensive kitchen item to cheer her up when she was feeling low, something she really wanted but not something I'd use - she knows I've bought it for her and was thrilled when I told her - I now feel like a mug at the thought of giving it to her.

This has really soured our relationship at a time when it really needs to be strong to get through the coming months of my dad's decline.

How can I move past this?

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my lengthy post.

It isn't so much that I expect her to put me up, it's that I expected that once the arrangement was made, especially one that was due to happen in a few days, it would be stuck to, and a short, offhand-sounding text telling me it was cancelled very much threw me.

I am an obsessive planner, I have a three page list of things to tick off before I go away anywhere, and most of them are ticked, I was pretty much ready to walk out of the door (in theory) so the news completely scattered my thought process for a while and I panicked a bit.

But the issue isn't that she cancelled, it's the horrible message she sent to me afterwards, as I've said. I'd never in a million years send a text message like that, no matter how angry I was, even to my worst enemy, let alone someone close to me.

Yes, it is definitely me, and that's good advice.

I don’t understand why you can’t book a premier inn or something OP. It sounds as though your sister was left without an option really and it’s not kind to turf her out for a few days.

There isn't anywhere in the area that's both in my budget and would feel safe. I'm going to go with the airbed option, I think - there is very little space, tiny house, now with things like a commode and oxygen in communal areas, but I'll find somewhere to put it down for the night and it can be shoved behind the sofa during the day. The sofa itself isn't really an option because it's got a plastic sheet on it and, sorry for TMI, it smells a bit.

I do luckily have an airbed because DP and I go camping occasionally, and I can repack for travel by dividing my things between my big camping rucksack which will hold the airbed, and my small 'work travel' suitcase, rather than taking the large suitcase I had packed. The only issue is that the airbed inflates via a car socket, which I won't have, but I should be able to buy a USB one in my lunch hour tomorrow. It is do-able, I just needed some time to recalibrate my plans

Why can't you share your mums double bed?

It’s a difficult situation. You can, though, cancel and get a refund on your train tickets.

If she is the adult child at home doing most of the hands on support, she may be at the end of her tether as the situation worsens.

My dad now has the double (actually a 3/4) bed (formerly spare room). They changed to twin beds donkey's years ago, but the one that used to be my dad's had to be got rid of after he became incontinent, so there's only a single in there now.

I think whilst not great your sister is carrying most of the weight here with your parents her SIL etc. you having a “tantrum” because your being put out/not getting your needs met - when it sounds like no-one is considering your poor sister, she is the one “doing” for everyone here. Cut her some slack not putting additional pressure on her. I really feel for her- she is putting up with these pressures every day and maybe you feel a little guilty your not ever really there to help her - your excuse is your location/work which are valid reasons bit every day she bears different pressures from you.

Look up local Travelodges or Premier Inns. IME they're usually cheap, clean and comfortable, and you can check reviews to see if there are any problems.

Op, the first time I came across the phrase family crisis I didn’t really understand it.

I used to be a teacher and worked in a school and it was used in documents.

then as I spent longer in teaching it was used to cover a parent dying suddenly, a sister attempting suicide, a brother getting cancer, violence from a parent leading to police involvement and the kids going to foster care.

if it’s being described as a family crisis then it’s a massive, massive event and yes, standard arrangements will be changed for it,

I agree your sister in an ideal world should have been more polite in her texts to you (but do bear in mind there may be private family info that she is aware of but has been told not to share with anyone).

realistically if she is coping day to day with elderly parents one of whom is dying plus she’s got this situation on her hands she is probably massively overwhelmed.

that doesn’t excuse sending you a tirade - obviously she should not have done that, but carer overwhelm and burnout is a real thing and although it is not your fault you are so far away it does mean she is largely carrying the burden on her own.

think of supporting her emotionally as your contribution to the support your dad needs.

It’s the question. You asked what would SHE suggest to sort out YOUR problem. She’s sorting out your mum, your dad, her SiL, other stuff in her life and then you ask her how to solve YOUR problem.
You’re an adult find a solution, you know the area, you can google, you know how much money you have, you sort it out - as you have done.
I can see why someone else asking her to sort out an issue would tip her over the edge. The fact you find this surprising indicates you may not be aware of how much stress she is under. I totally get why she lost it.

You obviously don't understand how much of a mental, physical, and emotional strain it is when you have sick, elderly parents. I know they're your parents too, but you're the one who gets to breeze in for special occasions then breeze out again. It's hard work, harder, I think, than most people imagine before they're in that position.

Luckily my sister and I are able to share the load in our family situation, but if it was all on me, I'd definitely resent her - even if I knew logically that she was too far away to help. But if she got snotty with me when I was already up to my eyeballs with everyone else's shit, I'd absolutely give her both barrels.

I will do my best to support her. Her husband's family are what I would describe as generally a more drama-prone family than ours - I don't mean that they over-dramatise or cause drama for the sake of it, what I mean is they just seem maybe a bit unlucky in some ways - or it might just be that they are a large, extended sort of family whereas we're not, so by comparison their proportion of ill-fortune might be the same as ours, but there's more of them for it to happen to so it happens more often.

I'm not going to pry into what's going on, if she wants to tell me I will of course listen and offer any advice/support I can, but as I don't know the SIL, I don't consider it my business.

Was your SILnot at the wedding of your sister and her DH? Didn’t you meet then?

I wonder if your sister is picking up much more of the burden / load with your parents and the last thing she needs is to have to sort out your arrangements as well? That’s how I would feel

I really do think the ''breeze in for special occasions" is a bit unfair. I've used lots of my annual leave over the last year visiting at my sister's request to help with specific urgent issues that have arisen. She's not very confident with all the legal admin involved in his care/financial arrangements, and I have professional qualifications in a finance-related field so it's been a no-brainer for me to pick up that kind of things.

If I could be there more, I would, but I have 27 days' annual leave and once it's gone, it's gone. As I mentioned earlier, I don't want to start asking for compassionate leave at this stage because it isn't fair on my colleagues and I need to preserve goodwill so that I can be at my dad's side, and supporting my mum and sister, when the end comes.

It won’t be anything like what your sister has had to take on.

They 'eloped' i.e. just the two of them on a beach abroad. It was her DH's second time round and my sister hates being in the 'limelight' so they didn't want a big family occasion - don't blame them at all, I would do exactly the same thing.

I get that but I can't change it.

“I didn't ask her to stay in our home town just as she didn't ask me not to move away all those years ago”

OP, that’s irrelevant - the situation is that your DSis does the day to day caring and worrying about your DPs and you don’t. What I’m hearing is that your sister is at the end if her tether - from her POV, it’s been one thing after another, then to put the cherry on the cake, when she tells you that she can’t accommodate you, rather than say, OK, I’ll make alternative arrangements, you put it on her to tell you what you should do. Forget whatever she thought about the train tickets: she has told another, coping adult who doesn’t have all the stresses and strains of the parents on a daily basis, and now the SIL to contend with, that unfortunately they will have to make alternative arrangements and you come back with “What do you suggest?” You were lucky it was only four pages she replied - I rather suspect this was the absolute last straw from her perspective. Also, she said what she did to you because she can - you’re her sister, and you may be temporarily put out, but you’ll get over it. I really think you need to cut your DSis a bit of slack - she sounds very stressed by the situation in which she finds herself. I doubt she chose to have SIL foisted upon her - it’s just another thing for her to worry about. So move on, OP; cut your sister some slack, look after her dog and be grateful that you have a sister who’s near enough to do the lion’s share as far as your parents are concerned. You move past it by putting yourself in your sister’s shoes: she’s in an impossible position, torn between her sister and SIL (and I should imagine the crisis is something serious for her to put you off at such short notice) - and just remember: you have known your sister your whole life, and sadly, times are coming when your DM will need the support of both of you, and you will be very glad of your sister’s support as she will be if yours.

Op, if i realised that my sister was not only shouldering the load of her parents but had now a SIL to deal with, my first response to her telling you that SIL was staying with her due to a crisis would have been, "you poor thing! You must be pretty stressed out!"
There's not a chance I would have asked her to sort my situation out.
If your sis is generally a kind and caring person then you know that she wasn't intentionally doing anything to you. She's trying to help the people in her life that need her most in the moment.
My husband badly burned his hand the other day. While I was trying to help him, my toddler kept demanding things. I was quite short with her (which I never usually am) as I was trying to dress his hand and her concerns were just far too low down on the totem pole of my caring. This analogy might help with understanding your sister's situation at the moment.

"she seems to be putting SIL before me"

@SweetSwallows You may find it's, actually, a case of putting her husband first, another of his family's dramas?

You're disappointed obviously.

It does seem, though, that your sister is in a very difficult position, especially if her husband resents the level of support your sister gives to your Mum and Dad and he has insisted, this time, that his sister should take precedence at their home.

Could that be the scenario?

The op and her SIL both have “equal standing” to the marriage - they are each à sister to one of the married couple and surely the person in crisis should be accommodated? Especially when it seems as if the op is never usually turned away?

the husband might be saying it’s all your family taking support from us and this is a time when my sister needs support? Not as bluntly, but words to that effect?

that's exactly what I was trying to convey @Taztoy

Did my post not really show that?