How can I move past my sister's reaction before Mum's birthday?

[SweetSwallows]

Sorry, this will be a long one.

My dad is terminally ill and will shortly be moving into a hospice. My mum's birthday is coming up. I live about 300 miles away; my sister lives in the same town as our parents, both quite run down areas (relevant).

Since my dad had to move into the spare room and their house filled up with the paraphernalia of his illness, I haven't been able to stay there. I've always visited for a week at the time of my mum's birthday - it means a lot to my mum, especially now she has to cope with my dad, - but for the last few years I have stayed with my sister and her husband.

She and her husband have a dog with complex health needs, which can't be kennelled, so to allow them to go on holiday, I've dog-sat for them several times, travelling to her house at my own expense and taking care of the dog's routine and meds etc.

My usual summer visit was planned months ago, and I booked advance train tickets which were not very cheap, nearly £200.

My sister messaged me today very briefly, to tell me that I could no longer stay with them - her husband's sister is having a family crisis and will be staying in their spare room..

I'm not sure what kind of response she expected, but I messaged back to say it wasn't good news, I couldn't change or cancel my train tickets or my annual leave from work, and I wanted to spend time with our dad while I still could, what options did she suggest?

I got back what I can only describe as a four-screen long text rant, telling me to grow the fuck up and stay in a fucking hotel, how dare I try to guilt trip her etc.

I was shocked. She has herself in the past advised me against staying in hotels in the area as anything remotely in my budget is used by the council to house people, often with issues, drug users and so on. The unexpected vitriol of her reply really struck a nerve and I became quite tearful.

Not to drag this out longer than needed, I replied asking why her SIL couldn't stay in a hotel for the few days I'd be there if this was such a great idea, but I would look at other options, we exchanged a few more messages and some kind of civility was restored, but the tone of her original message has really upset me and I am struggling to move past it.

I'm supposed to be dog-sitting for her in September while they go to Italy and I now feel like telling her to get her SIL to do it (she's barely mentioned her SIL to me before so I highly doubt she would do this). I bought her an expensive kitchen item to cheer her up when she was feeling low, something she really wanted but not something I'd use - she knows I've bought it for her and was thrilled when I told her - I now feel like a mug at the thought of giving it to her.

This has really soured our relationship at a time when it really needs to be strong to get through the coming months of my dad's decline.

How can I move past this?

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my lengthy post.

It could be that having the SIL to stay might not necessarily have been your sister's choice. Her DH might have just sprung it on her without warning.

But I do agree that you may need to revise whether or not you are available for dog sitting later in the year.

If she’s normally reasonable I would let it go, but I wouldn’t leave the ball in her court like you’ve said, I’d actively reach out and see how I could help her. When you go visit your mum I’d make an effort to do something nice for DS too.
she’s taking on the brunt of both your parents, she takes you in for a week every year, she obviously cares and worries about you given some of your other comments, and she’s dealing with her SIL crisis, she’s probably got dh on at her about you staying and his family needing help, she’s got a sick dog with high medical needs and now you’re annoyed at her too and giving her more problems to solve.
yes she shouldn’t have taken all that out on you but it feels like a bit of a straw that broke the camels back. You need to show her you appreciate everything she’s doing for your parents and saving you the job. You’re saying it wouldn’t be possible for you but if she wasn’t around what would happen to them?

Bearing in mind the OP's sister has borne the brunt of the caring for the parents while the OP lives hundreds of miles away, I think this response doesn't really take into account the stress the sister is probably under and the resentment she probably feels at having to do all the running around.

I think it's more nuanced than just "she was rude and I can't forgive it"

Honestly just reading back your messages as well there’s literally no awareness of your DSs feelings. You talk about her sick dog, but from the perspective of you going to look after it at your expense, not about her dealing with the difficulty and sadness. You talk about her doing care for your parents, but skim over it by talking about what you do and how you can’t do much more. You talk about her SIL in crisis, I don’t know if you know what the crisis is but you feel sad about it because she’s prioritising SIL over you, but maybe it’s a huge deal that’s causing SIL and DS a huge amount of stress, maybe SIL doesn’t have the option of an airbed in her parents house like you do. You talk about staying with DS Because you want to do something for your mum and you want to spend time with your dad, but not about how she or her husband feel about having a house guest for a week. You mention DM loving having you there for her bday but is DS included? Because you don’t mention her. And on one blow up from DS you’re talking about a whole relationship being ruined and lashing out and withdrawing help or support for her in a few months in retaliation because you’re hurt and not giving her gifts you’ve purchased as punishment. You asked her after all she’s got on, to figure out what you’re meant to do now, without even bothering to google yourself if your train tickets could be refunded. It might just be the way it’s written here, and I don’t think her behaviour was right, but I do think it sounds like a lot of weight is piled on her without a lot of consideration.

Not dog sitting would be very childish.

right now you have no idea what her sil is going through, there are so many possibilities !
maybe she has told her brother and thus his wife that her partner has been raping her on a regular basis

or maybe she is about to become homeless as her house is about to be repossessed

or maybe she has been diagnosed with stage 4 cancer.

so this summer you sleep on the sofa at your parents home, it won't kill you.

This

Being the local support is hard.

Your poor sister bears the brunt of caring for your parents. She's there knee-deep in burdens you never have to shoulder by virtue of living far away.

Her dog has complicated health needs. Her sister in law is in such a crisis she has to stay with them.

She tells you about this emergency situation that means she can't accommodate you and you try make that yet another problem for her to solve.

Rather than respond, "oh hell, that sounds a lot, are you coping ok?" you went for "well that's disappointing, costs me money and what do you suggest instead?"

Is it really so surprising she snapped, @SweetSwallows ? Sounds like she's hanging by her fingernails.

Agreed. She puts you up regularly, and you dog sit for her. If I had been her and received your response I’d have been almightily 😮😶The home is presumably her husband’s as well, and presumably the SIL’s crisis (the details of which you have no right to) is more urgent than yours. You have options.

Agreed

WOW. Listen to yourself ffs

Pardon? I think the general consensus is with me tbh.

I don't give a shit where the 'general consensus is'. I think you are rude.

By saying that they were a bit of a twat? That’s quite mild where I’m from and probably how I’d speak to a friend that was lacking self awareness.

And incidentally, not any less polite that ‘don’t give a shit’

Your sister is doing the work of caring for your terminally ill father and stressed out mother….and you’re considering pulling out of caring for her dog? Because she can’t put you up this one time? Really?

Unless/until you’ve been the local adult child with a distant sibling, you can’t know how very many compromises and sacrifices are required. You are absorbed by the cost of your train tickets and the salubrity of hotels and your annual leave. She is watching her dad’s decline, helping her mother, dealing with her husband’s family, dealing with a sick pet and giving up untold small and large amounts of time and emotions and energy and maybe money. I think you should be grateful, not peeved.

Thank you for responses, both those that are supportive and those that may be less so, but help me see things more from my sister's perspective.

I agree I should have showed more concern for her SIL in my initial reply, I did try to make up for this in later messages.

To answer a few points:

We don't know whether her September holiday will go ahead - we've previously agreed that we both have to, as far as we can, go on living and planning our normal lives until that becomes impossible. We think we may have about six months but could be more, could be less.

I'm really not 'golden child' - my parents were fairly balanced but if anything, my sister was slightly my dad's favourite, they have always had more in common. But never in a way that led to huge injustice or resentment from me. Very normal family dynamic, if such a thing can be said to exist.

I've never arranged any stay with my sister and her husband without asking if it's OK - the summer one is the only one I initiate, and I always check before booking leave etc. The others are either dog-sitting at her behest - she checks with me before she arranges anything - or if she asks me to come urgently for reasons connected to my dad.

Of course I love and need her - that was why I was so shocked by her angry and abusive message - and that's why I didn't respond in similar style, and did my best to restore a conversation which was calm and sensible.

I'm giving her space, I'll wait for whatever her next contact is unless something happens with my dad (I phone my mum every day so I have a pretty good idea of my dad's condition) and try to carry on as normal; and I won't renege on other offers of help.

It's been helpful to go over about this to people with an outside and unbiased perspective, so thank you again.

I know you said you did then ask after SIL, but have you actually asked how your sister is? It sounds like she could actually do with someone to share the burden with, even if only be being able to talk.

When this happened to me, I pulled the family member aside and said quietly and calmly but wirh implacability that I understood she was stressed and overwhelmed, and that I was prepared to let the matter (being attacked verbally) go, but that I would not again accept being spoken to like that. It. Was. Not. Acceptable.

That's a boundary, and a very reasonable one.

It was accepted by everyone. There were tensions for a while but I remained my steady caring self and it all eventually died down. We all have very good relations now.

And no one spoke to me like again.

You teach people how to treat you. It's well worth the battle to reject being talked to like you're a piece of shit.

I think your sister was very rude and out of order, particularly under the circumstances with your poor DF and it being your DM’s birthday. You really should have been a priority.

Get a refund for the kitchen item and don’t dog sit.

In other words give her a taste of her own medicine.

Given she doesn’t usually lash out and you know she’s under a great deal of stress, why aren’t you checking in on her? Why are you leaving yet another thing to her?

I would imagine it was asking her "what options did she suggest" that set her off. She probably feels she's taking on more of the load with your parents, and now with her SIL and now you're asking her to sort out your accommodation.

Petty and vindictive advice that achieves absolutely nothing.

Just I know from years of experience she's one of those people who is best given space if she's angry or in a bad mood. I'm the opposite, it's something I've had to learn about dealing with her and other people.

I think you're right, that and she might have mistaken my comment about tickets as some kind of hint (absolutely wasn't but she might have thought it was).

What’s her husband like? Could he have arranged to put his sister up without checking with your sister? Wondering if there’s maybe been a huge row and you got the fall out from it.

I would assume she was just fucked off that she was your default accommodation option, and it sounded like you were making it her responsibility to either source or suggest another option for you. You're a grown adult, you can do that yourself.