How can I move past my sister's reaction before Mum's birthday?

[SweetSwallows]

Sorry, this will be a long one.

My dad is terminally ill and will shortly be moving into a hospice. My mum's birthday is coming up. I live about 300 miles away; my sister lives in the same town as our parents, both quite run down areas (relevant).

Since my dad had to move into the spare room and their house filled up with the paraphernalia of his illness, I haven't been able to stay there. I've always visited for a week at the time of my mum's birthday - it means a lot to my mum, especially now she has to cope with my dad, - but for the last few years I have stayed with my sister and her husband.

She and her husband have a dog with complex health needs, which can't be kennelled, so to allow them to go on holiday, I've dog-sat for them several times, travelling to her house at my own expense and taking care of the dog's routine and meds etc.

My usual summer visit was planned months ago, and I booked advance train tickets which were not very cheap, nearly £200.

My sister messaged me today very briefly, to tell me that I could no longer stay with them - her husband's sister is having a family crisis and will be staying in their spare room..

I'm not sure what kind of response she expected, but I messaged back to say it wasn't good news, I couldn't change or cancel my train tickets or my annual leave from work, and I wanted to spend time with our dad while I still could, what options did she suggest?

I got back what I can only describe as a four-screen long text rant, telling me to grow the fuck up and stay in a fucking hotel, how dare I try to guilt trip her etc.

I was shocked. She has herself in the past advised me against staying in hotels in the area as anything remotely in my budget is used by the council to house people, often with issues, drug users and so on. The unexpected vitriol of her reply really struck a nerve and I became quite tearful.

Not to drag this out longer than needed, I replied asking why her SIL couldn't stay in a hotel for the few days I'd be there if this was such a great idea, but I would look at other options, we exchanged a few more messages and some kind of civility was restored, but the tone of her original message has really upset me and I am struggling to move past it.

I'm supposed to be dog-sitting for her in September while they go to Italy and I now feel like telling her to get her SIL to do it (she's barely mentioned her SIL to me before so I highly doubt she would do this). I bought her an expensive kitchen item to cheer her up when she was feeling low, something she really wanted but not something I'd use - she knows I've bought it for her and was thrilled when I told her - I now feel like a mug at the thought of giving it to her.

This has really soured our relationship at a time when it really needs to be strong to get through the coming months of my dad's decline.

How can I move past this?

Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read my lengthy post.

I get why you were upset at her rant.

but I don’t think you’re trying to put yourself in her shoes - her dad is terminally ill. Mum is doubtless needing extra support. She’s the local child who is likely taking on the majority of the practical support. 2 people wanting to be hosted when she’s got so much else on.

her message wasn’t helpful. But yours was unfair. Instead of sympathising or trying to understand, you asked her how she was going to solve your problem.

you’re all stressed and on edge. It’s a horrible time for you and I’m sorry that your dad is so unwell.

Try not to react pettily. It wouldn’t make things better between you and sis. Let things settle and then maybe, when life is a bit calmer you could gently bring up how her message affected you.

You can cancel Advance Tickets -

"Advance Tickets are the cheapest fares on most long-distance routes — but they come with the strictest rules. They’re tied to a specific train on a specific date.
If you cancel before your booked departure time, you can get a refund, but an admin fee applies (typically up to £10 per ticket). If you simply don’t show up without cancelling first, the ticket is worthless — there’s no refund available after the train has left.
It’s worth knowing that Advance tickets can sometimes be exchanged for a later service on the same day, paying any fare difference. If you’ve missed your train or realise you need a different one, it’s always worth asking before writing the ticket off entirely.
And as with everything else: if your specific booked train is cancelled or delayed enough to warrant a refund, you get a full refund with no admin fee. The disruption rules always override the ticket-type rules."

I think that's what she was probably expecting, looking back at it, it just wasn't my own impulse because I don't know her SIL and she never mentions her - I couldn't have told you her name off the top of my head.

My sister's original message was very brief and unapologetic - again, with hindsight, this might just have been a facet of her being pulled all ways - and my reaction was a bit 'WTF' because the notice is so short, I've got everything planned, my case packed, neighbour watering plants etc. and it felt as though the rug had been pulled from under me.

I didn't say 'WTF' I just said, that's not good news, mentioned the train tickets and asked what she suggested.

I did, in the 'restoring civility' phase of the exchange, say that I hoped SIL was OK and would be able to sort her crisis out, so the sympathy was there but belatedly I suppose.

That's good to know, thank you, but hopefully I won't have to - I just panicked somewhat, as it's not just the tickets, it's my annual leave - I can't change it at this late notice over the summer period as everyone's holiday preference at work was booked months ago and I don't want to 'waste' potential time with my dad by staying at home for a week - it's all so messy.

I feel sorry for her. She's bearing the brunt of supporting your mum and seeing your dad decline as she is local. And now her SIL is staying in her home. That could be a huge strain on her.
I think this one is on you to sort.
If you don't want to dog sit don't do it, but if she always hosts you when you visit your parents, doesn't it even out? Maybe she doesn't always want you to stay there? It's not really her responsibility to accommodate you.
Would coach travel be cheaper and allow you to get a hotel?

Does your sister do the majority of running around/caring for your parents?

If you live hundreds of miles away, don't underestimate the toll that will take on her and her life, not to mention the SIL's crisis, whatever that might be. I would assume she was at the end of her tether and perhaps resentful of having to manage everything while you only come down every so often and don't have to deal with the daily care. Maybe ask if her there's more you could do to help with your parents.

I would also still help with the dog, but try and have a constructive chat with her when you're at your parents ' and see if there's more to it all.

This. Please dont be gaslit Op. You seem to go over and above for her.
Just because her father is dying doesnt give her the right. Trust your gut. She crossed a serious boundary.

But surely if her SIL is staying there then you do not need to look after the dog.

OP, you come across as pretty fair and understanding on this thread. Despite the original tense exchange, I think that a hug when you get to see your DSis will make all the difference.

i hope that you are all getting love and support from those around you.

Yes, sadly she does by virtue of where she lives. I pick up things that can be done remotely - phone calls, emails to carers/doctors etc. but I don't have a job where I can work remotely so I can only visit within the constraints of my annual leave; I am trying to preserve goodwill at work by not demanding compassionate leave at this stage because I know I will probably need it within the next six months.

I do appreciate it's hard for her but there's.a limit to what I can do. I live far away because I went to university in this area 30 years ago and basically never went back, at the time I didn't think about this eventuality - perhaps naively - but nor did she - and as time went on I built a career and a network where I am, I have a long-term partner in the area, housing is cheaper where I am - it's not a realistic option for me to move back to my home town, even if I could find employment there.

And honestly, that’s all fine. It’s completely understandable that you can’t do more than you’re doing. But equally, you have to understand that it is hard for her, she is picking up far more of the load (even if that isn’t your fault) and that will impact on her mood, her tolerance levels and occasionally the way she interacts with you. She sounds like she may be at breaking point.

Sorry for the confusion - the dog-sitting is a separate thing. I stay in her house to dog sit when they go abroad. This is her doing me a favour by hosting me while they are there, of course I do a bit for the dog while I am around (I love dogs) but I wouldn't be dog-sitting as such.

this was my thinking too. If it's unusual for her to be like this, it would concern me rather than hurt me.

I would very definitely withdraw the offer to dog- sit. Without any guilt at all.

No reasonable person would send such a vitriolic message to someone in the first place, when all they'd done was react to a last- minute change of plan leaving them with nowhere to sleep. No reasonable person woul then expect that person to do them a favour.

SIL can mind the dog since she's there anyway.

I completely get your frustration but I think your response was probably the straw that broke the camels back.
As for her putting her SIL before you, it isn't just her though is it? I think her husband supporting his sister in a crisis trumps you not wanting to sleep on your parents sofa. It is, presumably, his house too.

I have hosted them a couple of times in the past but there's not really a reason for them to visit my town - it's not at all a touristy area - once you've seen it, you've seen it. They're very welcome to come at any time, I have a spare room, but they'd rather spend their limited holidays abroad and I don't blame them.

The National Express coach is a bit cheaper but it isn't on any route for the truly budget coaches. NE involves two changes and takes about 14 hours each way, which is a big chunk out of my holiday. I did it once some years ago and it wasn't very pleasant, drunk bloke on the coach who was sick in the toilet which somehow managed to stink the whole coach out even though the door was kept shut. The saving wouldn't fully cover hotel costs, but it is something to consider, thank you.

My initial reaction was to pull the offer of dog sitting.

But actually, she is picking up so much more care regarding your parents. And now this with your SIL... I actually feel for her.

Totally disagree. They're sisters that have had an argument they have already moved on from with civil messages. Their dad is dying and their mum will need support.

There is no benefit whatsoever in prolonging a one-off disagreement. They love each other and need each other.

I would never dream of treating a sibling of mine like this....even if a family member was dying. No way. And if I dared to, I would be straight on the phone apologising.

Many people can be the scapegoats or punching bags in their familys without realising.

To tell Op is 'fuck off' is incredibly humiliating. There is no excuse for abuse.

Op, how she been a caring sister in the past? You seem to have been generous with dog sitting. Has she looked out for you? If there has been a pattern of her acting like a dick, start recognising what is going on and dont be so eager to please her.

We can assume that the sister does not normally behave like this given how shocked and upset OP is. It is an isolated incident at a very stressful time in the sister's life. We dont know if sister and her husband argued that day over who could have a guest. Or maybe the SIL crisis is so extreme that there's no question she should stay.

Regardless, it can be forgiven and OP can move on because right now they really do have so much more to focus on.

I agree that I wouldn't talk to my siblings like that and normally they wouldn't speak to me that way either. If it happened, it could only ever be under extreme circumstances that deserve grace and understanding.

‘My usual summer visit was planned months ago’

This stood out for me OP. Maybe she finds it difficult having you there at the same time every year as it stops her having others there too and this year she just decided that her SIL took priority.

Did you ask her before you booked your travel or did you just assume you could stay with her as you usually do?

we never know how someone might react with the possible death of a parent on the horizon. And supporting the other parent too, who may have gone to pieces themselves, but put a brave face on for the sibling who is away 'not to worry them'. Ive seen this play out. The nearest takes the brunt quite often, as they are nearest and in someways emotionally closest, just by merit of seeing them more often. And in their grief, they can often take advantage and become very selfish with their demands, so you may not know the extent of pressure that your sister is being put under.
You also dont know the circumstances of the SIL being there - and this may be something which is out of her control - for all you know she could have already fought your corner, saying that you were coming down, and been over ridden by her husband. It may have been touchy and thats why she flew off, but she might not want to put all that info on you when things are not good with the parents.
The thing is, you cant know whats going on to make her snap like that - it doesnt sound as if you usually have a bad relationship, which is why it has surprised and shocked you. People dont tend to act out of charachter unless they are under alot of stress, so I would arrange to stay at your parents, do as much as you can of the daily grunt work that she has been doing while you are there to take the pressure off, and then see whats really going on.
But I wouldnt back out of the dog sitting. Thats tit for tat, and there are bigger things coming down the track, especially if you live 300 miles away and she is going to be the one left picking up an ever increasing workload with your folks, you need to keep the channels of communication open and she is probably going to REALLY need that holiday.

You don’t mention at all your sister’s husband; I presume he had a say in inviting his sister to stay. Maybe she is going through some crisis; maybe he said ‘ well, we have YOUR sister here all the time.’ I definitely get the sense she lashed out at you in frustration.

the other comment I’d make is it’s very generous of you to use your AL from work to dog sit. It sounds like you are not a high earner, the way you’ve described things, but it’s very unselfish of you to donate your treasured leave to minding a poorly dog.

Finally, and sorry to speculate, but if your dad is so unwell, will your sister and husband still go off on holidays in Sept as planned?