Should I tell my husband about an affair that ended last month?

[SeaWave21]

Hi everyone. I am using a name changer for obvious reasons. Please be gentle, I already know I am the lowest of the low right now and I feel sick writing this.

My DH (mid 30s) and I (mid 30s) have been together for a decade and have a beautiful daughter (6). Over the last year, our marriage hit a really dark, lonely place. We stopped connecting entirely.

During this low point, I did the unthinkable. I started flirting with another man, which escalated into a physical affair. I slept with him 3 times. It ended completely one month ago. It was a massive mistake, and it made me realize how much I actually want my marriage to work.

Since it ended, DH and I have been actively working through our issues. Things are genuinely improving, and we are finding our way back to each other. He has no idea about the affair.

I am torn apart by guilt. Part of me thinks he has a right to know the truth, but another part of me knows confessing will destroy him and blow up our daughter's stable life just to clear my own conscience. If I don't tell him, I don't know if I can live with the guilt, or if I should just leave him entirely because he deserves better.

I really need outside perspective. I'm adding a poll because I need to know what the consensus is.

Yes absolutely tell your husband. You have had another man!! Do you know the sexual history of your AP. You have put your husbands health at risk. Sti ? Blood borne diseases? . It’s very unfair and you need to tell him so he can make his own choice .

Absolutely this...my exes mother told her explicitly not to tell me the complete truth!
Her husband my father in law spent 60 years married to a woman that had lied to him and took it to her grave. I'm so glad the truth finally came out for me. I could've wasted another 20 years despite being financially ruined!
I have a simple and happy life now and I'm so grateful for it.
Tell him the truth and let him be the judge of his future rather being in a lie of a relationship.

How can you fix things without being honest? What does a "fixed " relationship look like? Would you consider your relationship fixed and good if someone (a 3rd party) told you there were big secrets between you? Secrets block intimacy.

Absolutely. Conveniently forgiving yourself for the harm you caused yourself in the safety of your own silence without being transparent and doing what is right the first time since it all started - is not "fixing" things. It's just cowardice.

Integrity is what you do when no one is looking, and so the best way to abstain is to believe it is never in your best interest, you realize that cheaters cheat themselves from deep connection and lasting intimacy even if the affair is not discovered.

To abstain from cheating, one only needs to have an unwavering commitment to themselves.

Yes, @PineConeOrDogPoo nails it for me. It can never be properly right again. It’s one of the reasons people have exit affairs. They fatally stove in the core of the relationship enough to make it easier to leave.

If you don’t tell him are you prepared to live with the guilt and fear of him finding out for the rest of your life?

I see a lot of comments coming from the perspective of "the fear of him finding out" or "someone telling him", etc. That is also a very selfish angle. It is still not about what's right, it is again "what will happen to little ol' me". The decisions we make are not always just about us, sometimes it is healthy to consider others, especially those closest to us. The world does not revolve around you.

On that note, there is a specific type of cheater that I especially hate. The one who not only betrays their spouse, and then goes on to live their entire lives without coming clean out of fear of losing the life they built, and pure selfishness.. And then on their death bed come clean to the partner who has spent the entirety of their lifespan next to this person, because they want forgiveness. The epitome of selfishness - Time to come clean when it will have no implications in their lives anymore.

Yeah the latter deserve a lot of sharp tiny pitchforks jabbing a way at their backsides for the rest of eternity IMO

So lets run through this, starting from the top. You are a cheater, someone who will behave this way given the opportunity.

So options:
Don’t tell him, base the on going relationship on lies,
Feel guilty, gradually start to resent him for your feelings then potentially blowup the relationship anyway as you have made him a “baddie” in your mind. Potentially cheat again. Perhaps next time he realises.
You may start to regard his inability realise you were cheating as a failure on his part and further damage him in your eyes, deteriorating in how you treat him, blowing up the marriage, or keeping your child in a horrible disrespectful marriage.
He may find out, he then resents you, potentially walks out your daughter finds out at the time while the breakup happens, who knows what age.

Tell him, accept that this may be the end and you need to sort yourself out.
He may be willing to try and see if this will work.
He may want out, but you can at least have a plan for separation and how you handle it for your daughter.

But most people on here will tell you to lie.

If someone posted on mumsnet and said they just found out their husband slept with someone else on multiple occasions 15 years ago and now feel their whole life has been a lie, feel like they’ve been taken advantage of sexually because they never would have slept with him again knowing he’d been unfaithful, etc - 75% of you are admitting that if he’d asked you at the time you actually would have advised him to keep it quiet?

Because that is the exact scenario this could and will likely lead to because the truth always has a way of coming out. Cheating can be forgiven and marriages can be repaired where there is genuine remorse and where the work is put in to rebuild trust. Lying daily to your spouse over the course of your marriage is unforgivable. And it is lying whatever way people want to spin it. It’s a lie of omission.

OP, if this is a genuine post I really hope you do the right thing. I have my own experience of this - if you’re honest with your husband there is hope. I really hope your husband can forgive you, you can seek good marriage counselling and someday look back proud that you did the right thing and glad that you both fought for your marriage. It IS possible- like I say, personal experience. Of course it’s also possible your husband won’t want to work on your marriage- but you must give him the choice. Keeping it yourself gives you no chance of successfully rebuilding your marriage. All the best x

I genuinely believe cheating breaks something that cannot ever be repaired, or made undone. People just love to frame it as a mistake, but it hardly is a mistake. It is always a conscious decision, not an accidental trip and fall. And as such, I just can't understand those who are willing to look past it and forgive. It fundamentally shuffles existing dynamics, trust, respect. I am struggling to believe that it would never resurface during arguments, and just overall makes one wonder in peaceful times. People are always so so sorry to have done this. What usually doesn't make the full picture is that they were not so so sorry as they were doing the deed. They are sorry for being caught, or sorry that they have to face the consequences of their decisions. Huge difference.

I do believe a cheater doesn't have to be labelled a cheater all his/her life. But that chance should come after the relationship they cheated on is over, maybe with someone new. Just because they cheated with an ex, does not necessarily mean they would again with a new partner - but they did mess it up with the ex, that is certain.

I truly, truly don't understand people who can work on forgiving such things. I would forgive it as a human, sure. I wouldn't be nasty, I wouldn't talk badly - especially in this scenario it would be the mother of my kids. But as a partner, a spouse - no, it is done.

I voted tell but the truth really isn’t that simple . Like are you actually happy ? Is there a chance this could happen again ? If you are taking it to the grave you need to first of all get std testing and secondly commit to never doing something like this to him again. Truthfully if I was in his position I would prefer not to know if it was definitely over and you are definitely still in love with him. If you are just putting up with things for the sake of your daughter and I was in his position I would prefer to know

The truth is the truth, it is not depending on what score OP would rate her overall happiness of the marriage. So he should just be kept in the dark if it suits OP's mood.. That is despicable. He has a right to know who he married, and that she opened up their relationship without his knowledge or consent. Problem with the truth is that yes, it is usually very-very simple, indeed. Solutions and consequences are rarely simple. We are adults. We should act like it.

We should but the votes here speak for themselves

I don't know about you - but just because a lot of people are choosing to do the wrong thing, it would not urge me to do it, too. The poll numbers show one thing - that 73% who voted are self-absorbed, self-entitled people who consider their own convenience over doing what is right after they have caused damage. Sad.

I don’t know why you are so focused on me, I’m just saying what’s on the poll. I didn’t say I would base any of my own life choices on what’s on a mumsnet poll.

Just discussing the topic... As you said some interesting things. But that's it.

Keep quiet. Nothing, repeat nothing, will be gained by a confession.

It is broken now, the issue is minimising the damage.

But lying and building resentment to your partner is not a better solution than coming clean.

There are no good outcomes.

God forbid doing the morally right thing for our own spouse's sake if it does not directly mean we benefit from it. Disgusting.

Maybe it would be if they asked on Dadsnet.

What's the point of your post? - there's always a couple of "what if it were a man asking" posters. It's pointless and distracting.

The point is that some of us (most, if the poll is to be believed) think it is the "most" morally right thing you can do in that situation (given you've already cheated), if you really do regret it, love your spouse and are sure it won't happen again. You disagree, fine, but the entire dispute is that you think your answer is the morally superior one and we think ours is.

And again, the focus on the cheat "benefiting"... Like I said yesterday, however people spin it, it always comes down to punishing the cheat at any cost, no collateral damage is too great to outweigh that benefit. That's why people get so angry with people like me (again, as seen yesterday) who actively would not want to hear it if our spouses did it. Because we are prioritising something other than punishing the cheat. It's not how some of us frame and prioritise it. She is being punished, with the guilt and burden. Some cheaters wouldn't be.

ETA: It also seems to me that those of us who advocate taking it to the grave are not spitting endless bile at those who advocate telling about how morally repugnant they are, even though we think you're wrong and will do more harm than good.

This is a research post, highly doubt the OP will be back.

I don't dispute that there are a lot of people who are all about punishment. The core of my argument is fairness, though. I do not really care if she get's told off, punished, separated from - the point is that everyone has a right to know who they are in a relationship with, and make an informed decision about the future of their relationship. If the husband forgives for some reason - it will always be beyond my understanding why anyone could put up with it - it's their business. I don't find happiness or sleep better knowing that someone is being punsihed.

But I am sorry, you are twisting the question of the poll. The question is not "is it morally right to.." it is "should I tell".

I do not think telling the husband is morally superior, it is a fact. I am sorry, just look at it by nature of the pieces of information and actions:
Wife decided to cheat - that is immoral. No question. Wife has a choice - stick to lying - which is immoral, so that would make 2 points on the immoral side. Or decide to at least respect the husband, albeit a bit late in this stage of the game, and even though it will make her look bad, she admits to what she's done, because every relationship needs honesty. It is because it is the tougher option that makes it an undoubtably morally superior one. Because she will not gain anything, no praises, no safety of her silent lies, but she knows honesty is the least anyone's spouse deserves.

Can you honestly entertain the idea and kid yourself that letting someone live a lie, and misplace his trust is in any shape or from morally superior? Please.
And hiding behind "not wanting to hurt the husband" is as hollow as they come. If love and care are so important, it would've crossed her mind before she decided to cheat. And that is what it is - a process. Decided to cheat, leading up to active steps towards cheating, and then doing it. Repeatedly too. So lets just not kid ourselves with the "oh I don't want to hurt feelings" argument. It was not important when the currency was sexual gratification.

I would've had the chance to cheat on my wife a few times so far in my life, away on another continent for a work trip, she would've never found out. Would having and orgasm felt nice? Sure, it is always a nice feeling. Am I nothing more than a mindless animal driven by instincts? No. Is it ever a struggle? No. Because I respect and love my wife and our relationship enough that I would never betray her trust.

So in short - telling IS morally superior. And it has nothing to do wanting to see punishement.

And I am sorry, opting for lying means you have less respect, and are less moral. That is again, just fact, by virtue of lying = bad/immoral. This is not a case of who likes cats and who likes dogs. I don't wish bad things on you at all, but it would be nice if people who believe what you believe would not be so self-centered.