Should I tell my husband about an affair that ended last month?

[SeaWave21]

Hi everyone. I am using a name changer for obvious reasons. Please be gentle, I already know I am the lowest of the low right now and I feel sick writing this.

My DH (mid 30s) and I (mid 30s) have been together for a decade and have a beautiful daughter (6). Over the last year, our marriage hit a really dark, lonely place. We stopped connecting entirely.

During this low point, I did the unthinkable. I started flirting with another man, which escalated into a physical affair. I slept with him 3 times. It ended completely one month ago. It was a massive mistake, and it made me realize how much I actually want my marriage to work.

Since it ended, DH and I have been actively working through our issues. Things are genuinely improving, and we are finding our way back to each other. He has no idea about the affair.

I am torn apart by guilt. Part of me thinks he has a right to know the truth, but another part of me knows confessing will destroy him and blow up our daughter's stable life just to clear my own conscience. If I don't tell him, I don't know if I can live with the guilt, or if I should just leave him entirely because he deserves better.

I really need outside perspective. I'm adding a poll because I need to know what the consensus is.

Don’t tell. It’s your fault so your guilt.
don’t wreck your family life just to make yourself feel better.

It is not just about her and her feelings any more. Anyone thinking to just keep the lie going and trick the husband every single day (effectively what she has been doing since the affair), just because it would be inconvenient and uncomfortable, is a selfish person with the moral integrity of a spoilt child. There is a whole world beyond "how I feel personally".

Stop accusing everyone who doesn't agree with you on a sensitive ethical dilemma of being morally degenerate. You have what you think is right, others have what they think is right. The fact you think it's only about "what I feel personally" (for them, of course, not you) and "comfort and convenience" just shows that you don't understand what people are saying. If it's just inconvenience then it hardly matters what OP does and it doesn't justify the attacks you keep making.

Accusing people of being endlessly dreadful because they don't agree with you (I think you said earlier that having this view is just as bad as actually having an affair? That's ridiculous), while stating your opinion as "fact" does not make others look like spoiled children.

Wouldn't be as dramatic to say "attack". It is just an online forum where we argue for and against things.

But with all due respect, I am accusing people who encorage lying to be, well, immoral. Plain and simple. Would I encourage lying? No. Does it mean I am more moral from this point of view? Yes, plain and simple, without anything personal.

You are so defensive while representing the lying side... so, sorry but that is sad.

The two sides are nor equal. wether you like it or not.

You are also so sure of your stance, and if you actually had a high ground, you'd be able to answer my above questions with reasons that would make rethink my side and stay put. All of which you conveniently avoided .

If your husband had an affair unbeknownst to you, would you rather he kept you in the dark?

If he broke down and told you, would you resent his telling you more than the affair itself?

I have no idea who brought punishment into this other than OP because it's irrelevant apart from OP grappling with the moral dimension of cheating. The fact remains right now OP may feel like martyring herself in that way will save her marriage, but she hasn't mentioned why the affair ended.

If it's the affair partner who called it quits, then that is a whole different premise anyway.

It's not a sensitive ethical dilemma

He thinks he's in a monogamous relationship. She's had sex with someone else. Before she has sex with him again she has to tell him and she should get an STD test too. So he can make an informed decision whether he wishes to risk his sexual health.

It's disgusting to trick someone into having sex without being honest about they are your only sexual partner

This. a 100%.

If your husband had an affair unbeknownst to you, would you rather he kept you in the dark?

If he truly regretted it, loved me and was not going to do it again, yes.

Yes, I know you don't like this but that's how I feel and I really don't care that some people think that's a failing of mine. It's nothing to do with them. It's irrelevant. I'm happy. He can carry it himself if he really is sorry. If you really do care about what's best for families and spouses, what they want, over punishing a cheater, then it shouldn't offend you that we don't all think what you want us to think, and you won't be tempted to tell me what a terrible person I am for not wanting what you think I should want. Sorry, but this is not the first time I've had this conversation on here and they always go the same way.

Wouldn't be as dramatic to say "attack". It is just an online forum where we argue for and against things.

Yeah, and you're constantly attacking people who argue stuff you don't like as moral degenerates. Stop doing it, it's nonsense. I haven't seen anyone throwing this kind of crap at you even though they think you're wrong.

I am accusing people who encorage lying to be, well, immoral.

And you're totally oversimplifying. It's actually kind of childlike - "but it's a LIE!" - with absolutely no regard to the consequences of a full on truth bomb that simply does not need to be dropped.

It's immoral to cause heartbreak completely unnecessarily to make yourself feel better. You said yourself that you effectively divorce the consequences from the action because the action is so inherently RIGHT that you think the consequences don't matter, that no amount of heartbreak could stop it being right. I don't agree that horrible consequences with no benefit don't affect the value of an action. Sometimes a person's peace is just more important than another person relieving their conscience over things that don't make a difference now.

If you can't understand anything more complex than "but lying is bad" then perhaps you just can't follow the argument people are making. You certainly don't seem to understand them.

Anyway, there's only so long I'm going to keep going round in circles on it on a Friday night. Just stop declaring your opinion as "fact" and stop attacking everyone who disagrees with you. Nobody thinks you're their moral tutor and they think you're wrong on this matter so you're not going to convince them by telling them how endlessly awful they are. It's almost as though you value what makes you feel good over an actual constructive outcome...

@TheCyanCat

It shows, that question you replied to was mine. 😄 Although this exact premise is why I wrote the rest that comes after. No worries though.

Fair dos, we can stop going in circles @ThatCyanCat , I agree we should.
Oh, I understand more complex things, thank you very much. Twisting and turning aspects of an argument will not change the core of the problem:
OP cheated. It is bad - and that's a fact. Not my opinion. It is not because I am a simpleton like you propose, but nothing can come above that, as it is such a serious issue. We can ponder the details, but on top sits the infidelity (again, not even once), feelings come after.. OP's husband signed up for a faithful monogamous relationship - and not telling him is a lie, a conscious attempt at hiding the truth from him, to trick him - and that's a fact, also. And it is about the foundations of a relationship, not about who ate the last cupcake. No matter who's sorry and to what extent, no matter for what reason - not telling is wrong, and completely wrong - that is a fact, no debate there. There can be many different circumstantial details, the core that he has a right to know what he became part of - again - without his consent, this is not up for debate either, no matter how many times you say that it's just my opinion.

I am not saying I am always right in everything, not saying all my opinions are facts - for example, my opinion is that football is one of the most boring things ever, and I'd rather eat rotten fish than sit down and suffer through a football match. Is it a fact that it's boring? No.

We could discuss complexities if the topic was about an argument a couple had, who was right, who was wrong. Here, there is no room for it, OP was in the wrong, and her DH deserves the truth regardless of OP's feelings, levels of sorry or anything, because not giving him this is deciding his future for him, not giving him the decency to know what he was made part of. And that is vile.

Doesn't apply to women on this site. Here, all men are in the wrong by default, and nothing a woman does is ever her own fault. It's the fault of the nearest male.

Just know it will end in divorce

The fact remains that OP’s husband was probably getting on with his everyday life, grafting to support his family and daughter when behind the scenes his wife was pi**ing on his chips, i don’t understand why for some people just having a supportive husband isn’t enough. If you live the lie you are a horrible person, fact.

I've been unfortunately on the receiving end of this type of scenario. My first wife had an affair with a work colleague, but carried on our family life (2 young daughters at the time). I found out by accident, I was more distraught at the lies than the deceit. We tried to struggle on, but it was too much and I ended it. The OP should own up, and whatever happens then, happens. She only has herself to blame, her husband didn't ask to be involved in an unfaithful marriage.

Tell him. He can decide whether you deserve forgiveness or if he has some responsibility for you seeking affection elsewhere. Discussing this might bring you closer.

OP - if you ever come back - what's important to figure out longer term is what the reasons are for what you did.
This is for you mainly so you can figure out your life and what you really need.

As for your marriage:
Your relationship with your H is over and has been probably for a long time. If you want the relationship with your H to be rebuilt properly then you need to let him see who you are fully so he can regain his equal standing in the relationship and start understanding who you are. He may learn to love you regardless of your flaws in which case you are very lucky. But he needs information in order to do that.

CBT and The 5 Secrets of Effective Communications will go a long way in healing both you and your marriage if you want that. Look up Dr David Burns.

I would like to think I would leave the relationship. You had the affair for a reason. I know you regret it now but maybe that’s making you are clinging to your husband to bond back to him. I don’t think it’s real either.

Something is not right in your relationship and it will likely never be right again now unless it’s all out on the table.

When you had the affair the atmosphere changed forever.

I would like to think I would leave, and not hurt your husband by telling him. I’d like to think that but situations are not black and white, I do know that.

So when he says ‘what’s changed, why are you leaving me’ what would you say? Another lie presumably, wow, there is only one thing worse than i liar, a liar that has no balls (so to speak)

@Mostlywilliow

Do you want to stay married? Deny everything.

This. Also, do you want to split your family up? Just keep quiet and move on

Would have been fine questions to ask herself before repeatedly sleeping with another man. Funny how splitting the family and staying married was nowhere on her radar when it was go-time.

I’m willing to bet if this was a man cheating the advice would be very different. Just for the record cheating is cheating, lying is lying, hurt is hurt whether you are a man or a woman, you owe it to the partner who is likely trying to build a life with you, looks at you believing you are his/her future, stands by you when you need them the most, to be honest with them no matter what the circumstances, if you cheated on them you don’t love them the way they deserve to be loved so set them free so they find a decent, loving, loyal partner. Unfortunately you don’t deserve their love, affection and loyalty because you threw it away when you decided to be loose. Harsh, but fair.

Should have thought about that before shagging another man 🤷‍♂️

I think everyone is ignoring the fact that there is a 3rd person involved here, who now has no ties and nothing to lose by actually telling the truth.
What if her husband found out that his wife is a cheat by the person she had an affair with.
Would she rather her husband find out from her or a stranger ?

Agree with this. Integrity is a stronger value than deceit. You will be admitting it to yourself as well as to your DH. Big work ahead.

i think I agree with this. My husband was cheated on by his first wife and he always said thst she did him a favour by making him catch her out. He felt he was empowered to make the appropriate decision, and given she thought she loved the affair partner, he felt it gave him freedom to find loyalty elsewhere.