Should I tell my husband about an affair that ended last month?

[SeaWave21]

Hi everyone. I am using a name changer for obvious reasons. Please be gentle, I already know I am the lowest of the low right now and I feel sick writing this.

My DH (mid 30s) and I (mid 30s) have been together for a decade and have a beautiful daughter (6). Over the last year, our marriage hit a really dark, lonely place. We stopped connecting entirely.

During this low point, I did the unthinkable. I started flirting with another man, which escalated into a physical affair. I slept with him 3 times. It ended completely one month ago. It was a massive mistake, and it made me realize how much I actually want my marriage to work.

Since it ended, DH and I have been actively working through our issues. Things are genuinely improving, and we are finding our way back to each other. He has no idea about the affair.

I am torn apart by guilt. Part of me thinks he has a right to know the truth, but another part of me knows confessing will destroy him and blow up our daughter's stable life just to clear my own conscience. If I don't tell him, I don't know if I can live with the guilt, or if I should just leave him entirely because he deserves better.

I really need outside perspective. I'm adding a poll because I need to know what the consensus is.

The OP can have all the good intentions she wants, fact is 1st sign of trouble and she’s shagging another man which shows pretty ambivalent morals so from where I am sitting chances of another affair down the line when things get tough again and the guilt is a distant memory is pretty high

Welcome to the club, it's great when you get into the cycle op.

Here's what you do, have an affair, keep quiet, feel bad (like really bad, terribly bad, badder than anything bad 🥺), promise to work on yourself and promise not to be weak again.

Once a undetermined amount of time has elapsed and you feel neglected in your relationship again, then you just do it again.

It's fantastic, the time between my extracurricular activities has decreased massively, by following the female affair Mumsnet script. My girlfriend doesn't know and I'd absolutely hate for her to feel bad (like really bad, terribly bad, badder than anything bad). I wouldn't want to be selfish and offload my guilt onto her. I want our relationship to last after all.

I know I'm a man and different rules apply but hey what's sauce for the goose and all that.

Remember your husband probably left his undies on the floor, left the dishes for you or something equally horrendous.

You deserve better Hun, good luck to you 👍

Mate, I'm sorry that you have to deal with the oppressive existence of a website that's mostly women and reflects its demographic rather than centring men being a paragon of morally perfect objective justice in all things (if only there were some sites and forums dedicated to men's interests! How fine and upstanding they would be!). However, it's still not actually about you and your imaginary victimhood.

Why do you say that? Cheating is cheating and it is despicable whoever does it. What 'reasons' do women have for cheating which are justifable in your view, and differ from women being 'as faithful as their options'? You just want an excuse to rag on men.

He had a great point. We're not all bitter misandrists.

The point, such as it was, was totally irrelevant. It's a thread about cheating, not a thread about how terrible and misandristic and oppressive it is that MN reflects its female demographic rather than centring men. Betty Joan.

The point is that cheating is cheating and it is unacceptable whoever does it! 'Centering' appears to mean 'coddling and handwaving' in this context.

So sorry you are also experiencing this, the pain really is unbearable.

He was texting someone else, I had a gut feeling and went through his phone and found the messages. It’s the hiding and lying that has hurt the most.

I, like you, constantly wonder if I didn’t find out would it have continued and grown in to something more, it sends me insane everyday and I am really struggling to cope, to add on to that I had a baby 4 weeks ago so my head is completely fried. I have enquired with a counsellor today as I feel I do need professional help to get through this.

I hope things work out for you.

The problem you are going to have is that you will forever wonder if the secret will come out. That will eat away at you. If you had the affair in a place where you were completely incognito, no one knew who you are and no messages or written communication happened then you’d know the secret was yours to gnaw at you alone. I’m assuming though the guy has the ability at any point to message your husband and then it’s game over. Better you tell him first.

I do get this too. I think there is alot more at play. Its not clear cut.

You should tell him but in your shoes I wouldn’t.
And you need to be certain that you can take the secret to your grave…
get an sti test.

I will also say that I honestly think that if one person has cheated in such a scenario, I think it’s very possible he has too. Perhaps not in an identical way to you; maybe just considered it or nearly gone there etc; but I often think couples’ behaviour in dark times can be oddly mirrored.

He has a right to decide whether he wants to continue a relationship with an adulterer or not.

Telling him wouldn’t be just to clear your own conscience, it would be so that he gets to make an informed decision about the relationship and his future. To not give him that opportunity would be to make the foundations of his life be based on a lie. That a terrible thing to do to someone.

Shame on all of you who encourage lying, and keeping the husband in the dark.
OP opened their relationship without his consent, subjected him to STIs without him knowing, not to mention the absolute betrayal of their relationship.

Honesty, the absolute convenience to hide behind not wanting to hurt the husband's feelings and blow up the child's current way of life. - Tell you what, that thought could have crossed her mind before she cheated repeatedly. Nobody, not one person was ever forced to cheat, nobody held a gun to op's head either, it was not an unfortunate accident, a fall, it was a conscious choice.

We are all adults, and our actions have consequences. Time to do what is right for a change. He absolutely has a right to know, and decide what to do afterwards.

You don't know that whatsoever. It sounds as if you are making excuses for the OP.

IF you can handle it and be sure no one will dob you in then keep quiet. Regardless of what others say this will be harder on you than confession. But stay on the straight and narrow afterwards

You are already a liar,if you are a cheater,the two go hand in hand

I would also just add that the right thing to do is not always the more convenient, or easier, less painful way. The point is to be not too self-absorbed to do what is right. Especially, when it comes to someone's spouse. If we truly love them, honesty is not optional, even for our own convenience's sake.
You know what is right. Regardless of the poll.

No, the point was him charging a thread about cheating to make it about him and his imagined victimhood because a space exists that's mostly female and reflects it. Most people are giving their views about the actual question OP asked,. He's just trying to make it all about men because he knows the space is mostly female.

And if you think MN gives cheating women (or OW) an easy time then you haven't been here 12 seconds. We simply do not need men crashing into threads about other stuff to complain that MN reflects its demographic and it's an unusual place where that demographic isn't them. If they can find this place, they can find the damn manosphere and be centred all they like. It's much bigger and it's much worse.

This thread seems to be giving OP a very easy time!

Don’t tell!
Resolve to make your marriage work for you both and especially your daughter.
Realise that unburdening yourself will blow all your lives apart.
You’ll have to live with the guilt.

My advice to you is the same as it would be to a man. You’ve had an affair. You’ve finished the affair. You want to make a go of your marriage and your husband is also committed to that

You gain absolutely nothing by unburdening yourself to him - apart from a divorce if that’s what you’re after

Do the sensible thing and put it behind you

the only exception to my advice would be if this was a pattern of behaviour for you - that’s a different thing altogether

Will he ever be in any way affected by the affair? By this I mean is there a chance he could contract and STI from you, is anyone else remotely likely to ever tell him, will you at some point feel the need to reveal your sins, has your behaviours while ha ING the affair negatively affected him.

If you can honestly say no to all of the above, and you genuinely want to fix things, then don't tell him. If, one day he might find out about it, then it'll be less harmful to tell him now.

Do some of you truly not realise that it's not only about unburdening herself? The husband has a right to know who he is in a relationship with. We all have the one life to live - him too! And for some of you, it sounds like a reasonable solution to have him live it in a lie, being cheated on, betrayed. Who cares, right? It's all about me, me, me.

Get a grip, this is not exclusively about guilt. It is about the other person who has been dragged into it without his knowledge or consent.

You would want to know, too - and if you don't, I feel sorry for you for how little self-respect you might have.

Don’t say anything