Should I tell my husband about an affair that ended last month?

[SeaWave21]

Hi everyone. I am using a name changer for obvious reasons. Please be gentle, I already know I am the lowest of the low right now and I feel sick writing this.

My DH (mid 30s) and I (mid 30s) have been together for a decade and have a beautiful daughter (6). Over the last year, our marriage hit a really dark, lonely place. We stopped connecting entirely.

During this low point, I did the unthinkable. I started flirting with another man, which escalated into a physical affair. I slept with him 3 times. It ended completely one month ago. It was a massive mistake, and it made me realize how much I actually want my marriage to work.

Since it ended, DH and I have been actively working through our issues. Things are genuinely improving, and we are finding our way back to each other. He has no idea about the affair.

I am torn apart by guilt. Part of me thinks he has a right to know the truth, but another part of me knows confessing will destroy him and blow up our daughter's stable life just to clear my own conscience. If I don't tell him, I don't know if I can live with the guilt, or if I should just leave him entirely because he deserves better.

I really need outside perspective. I'm adding a poll because I need to know what the consensus is.

Whats the point in staying married when its based on lies. Also the reason for the affair was weak at best. I bet if in a year or two you are bored you will do it again .
Let him decide for himself. Whist he is still young and not in 20 years when he will resent you for it even more.

leave and don’t tell him or tell him.

@SeaWave21 it depends on what kind of man he is really, trust and loyalty aren't negotiable for me so if my wife told me she had an affair i would end it straight away, you make a conscious decision when you cheat, you know exactly what you are doing, you know the potential consequences and you carry the lie into your relationship so for me the fact that you chose to do it, knowing what you where doing would be enough for me to never trust you again. Sorry if it's blunt, that's just my take on it, some Men probably would give second chances. I have in the past and it has never worked out for me.

You need to own it OP, you’re making it seem like an out of body experience but you made that choice. Stop coming up with excuses about why it happened. I think you need to tell him.

So if your husband had an affair and it ended, would you rather never know about it?

If you're really going to commit to him and your daughter, don't tell. If you're not, be honest and leave them.
Have STI checks done if it was a physical affair.

Completely agree

Are you certain this was completely discreet? Did no one see you both, and is he the type to keep quiet? If you can’t rule those out, it might be best to tell him now rather than sitting on it or yiur husband finding out.

Your OP is all about you, just as your affair was.

It's all about your guilt and your feelings etc.

He deserves to know what you did to him, and then he can make up his mind whether he wants to divorce you.

But ultimately the choice should be given to him to make.

You had an affair, your relationship is over. You decided that the minute you went else where.

If you want to build on your relationship your DH deserves the absolute truth and HE gets to decide how or if to continue.

Take responsibility of your actions.

Fucking a man not once, not twice, but THREE times is not a mistake.

Don't be ridiculous.

"Part of me knows confessing will destroy him"

You already have, he just doesn't know it yet 😢

Bit late to rationalize not telling him as selflessness on your part, being selfish didn't stop you before.

It all depends on whether you can live with your guilty conscience. If a man asked this, what would your advice be?

You're implying he'd divorce you if he knew, which is exactly why I'd not be able to take it to the grave personally.

Absolutely not. It will cause untold pain and suffering. You my dear are going to have to live with it and suffer the consequences, and never tell him .

This!

No, don’t tell. If there’s no chance of it ever coming out. It’s made you realise you want your marriage to work and it was the wake up call you needed x

You owe him the truth otherwise your marriage is a lie and worth nothing. Confess now and you might have a chance at salvaging something. If he finds out later, which is entirely possible, he will hate you and there’s no fixing that. You did what you did, it can’t be undone. What you do next matters.

If you need to fuck another bloke three times to make you realise you want your marriage to work you have fuck all respect for the marriage.

Well said Dose.
Imagine if the dh did it to you.
Some of us have morals and dignity so you wont be hearing what you want.

Do not tell anyone ever. You gain nothing from telling, but perhaps you can work really hard at being a better partner now. It’s a second chance and a fresh start. A relationship is only as good as the effort each person puts into it.

I don't see how it will accomplish anything except hurt him and impact on your daughter. It's in the past, it's not current, and you aren't emotionally engaged with the guy either. If you know you want to stay married and will never do it again, channel everything back into your marriage and family and make it your burden alone. You'd still feel guilty even if you told him.

Don't tell. You don't know that he didn't also do the same as you and then realise what he stood to lose.

If you are certain you will never do it again and want to work on your marriage, then do that. Sounds like you're both committed to it. Better for your DD and your family to repair and strengthen than blow it all up unnecessarily.

My wife thought she could keep it secret. It shows.
There will be a slip, a difference. Something that will start him wondering. If he isnt already.

I had suspicions. And they grew stronger. Trying to keep the secret took a toll on my wife.

In my opinion, tell him now with full remorse and accept what happens next. Its the only right way forward for him and you.

Don't confuse lying to his face to save your own skin with pretending that the reason you're lying to his face is for his own good.

I genuinely hate threads like this.

You can really tell how many people cheat on their partners and think nothing of it.