Should I tell my husband about an affair that ended last month?

[SeaWave21]

Hi everyone. I am using a name changer for obvious reasons. Please be gentle, I already know I am the lowest of the low right now and I feel sick writing this.

My DH (mid 30s) and I (mid 30s) have been together for a decade and have a beautiful daughter (6). Over the last year, our marriage hit a really dark, lonely place. We stopped connecting entirely.

During this low point, I did the unthinkable. I started flirting with another man, which escalated into a physical affair. I slept with him 3 times. It ended completely one month ago. It was a massive mistake, and it made me realize how much I actually want my marriage to work.

Since it ended, DH and I have been actively working through our issues. Things are genuinely improving, and we are finding our way back to each other. He has no idea about the affair.

I am torn apart by guilt. Part of me thinks he has a right to know the truth, but another part of me knows confessing will destroy him and blow up our daughter's stable life just to clear my own conscience. If I don't tell him, I don't know if I can live with the guilt, or if I should just leave him entirely because he deserves better.

I really need outside perspective. I'm adding a poll because I need to know what the consensus is.

I think you should tell him if he asks, and not lie.

So the OP didn’t return then?

Surprise surprise 🙄

@PennySweeet i think she was feeling guilty and already knew what had to be done, maybe she was just testing the water to see if there was an easy way out or if the general consensus was leaning towards keeping quiet.

Fair points.

Or possibly just research for goodness knows what.

@PennySweeet well i’d hope it wasn’t anything more sinister, from my own personal experience once a cheat, always a cheat. When you learn to ride a bike you never forget how to ride a bike 😔 I like to think people can change but i’m yet to be proven right.

He deserves to know. You have put him at risk of STDs
He should get to decide whether or not and on what terms he wants to have sex with you.

Posts like this annoy me because if it was a man cheating, every poster says how the wife has a right to know.
When it’s a woman cheating, everyone says you need to take it to the grave. Double standards here are ridiculous!

IMO you need to tell him. He has the right to decide whether he wants to continue in the marriage given what’s happened.

Who deserves to be punished in all this - you or him? If you realise it’s you then your fitting punishment is to take the guilt to your grave. He doesn’t deserve the heartache of knowing what you’re really like. Sorry if I sound judgy, it’s not actually my intention. These things happen, so I’ve heard.

The Op is already a liar.

I find it pretty hard to believe your concern that telling him will destroy him and blow up life for your child - you weren’t concerned about either of these things when you did the thing that will destroy him and blow up life for your child. You were risking that with every decision you made here - and there were many many decisions, many points at which you could have turned away.

These things have a habit of coming back to bite you. Sometimes years later. After a few drinks you confess to a trusted friend who tells a friend until the word gets back to your husband.

The guilt will plague you for the rest of your life if you don't get it out in the open. Would you want to know if he did the same to you?

The advice on STI checkup is very important. He won't thank you for herpes.

Probably research into how easy it is to create a wind up thread.

Would you tell him for his benefit, or for your own benefit?

I've been married for 20+ years and had a very drunken encounter with someone while our marriage was at a particularly low point (by which I mean we were actively looking for a one-bedroom apartment close to the family home for one of us to move into.)

I had the same feelings you do, and we have since turned our marriage around. I did not tell him and will take my secret to the grave. Telling him will achieve nothing. And, if I'm completely honest, I barely think about it myself.

You made a mistake, that's all. Move on from it. Self-flagellation and hurting your husband won't do anything for you. And forgive yourself. In the grand scheme of things, this is pretty small potatoes.

Did her husband end the marriage over a kiss?

Exactly.

I think to leave and not tell him why is the cruellest and most cowardly thing to do.

It will be far easier for you, but he will likely blame himself that it was his fault in some way that the marriage failed when it’s actually you. You know he will rightly blame you if he knew the truth so it would be a lighter break for you if he was kept in the dark.

Would you want to know if he’d had an affair? Wouod you stay with him for your daughter’s sake and your marriage?

Do not tell him. It would do unspeakable damage to your relationship. Tell a priest or pastor if you feel the need to confess. Spend your energy on working together with your husband on your marriage. You want to relieve yourself of guilt, but you are not considering the pain it would cause him. If it's truly over, let it be done with and left in the past. And never do it again.

He will find out & it will destroy him.

What would you prefer? Stoning?

If I was the dh I wouldn't want to know, so long as it was truly over and no one else knew about it. If there's a chance that someone else could tell Dh, then you have to be honest, but if no one knows then I can't see how it helps to blow up everyone's life just to assuage your guilt.

Sometimes people make bad choices that hurt others, even good people. But if you're sorry and working to put things right and will never do this again, then telling can do more harm than good. I would def get an sti check though because you owe that to your Dh.

Iif I was the wronged party in this scenario I actually genuinely would rather not know.

Of course you should tell him. A man would be crucified and being told to tell. As usual double standards are at play

This is mind-boggling to me. You would happily be living a lie, taken for a fool, just because it would be uncomfortable to face the truth? Amazing.

Sounds like your daughter has an ounce more sense of right than you.
We all deserve to know if our spouses do something with other people. Truth always comes first. And all of you encouraging lying are just self-absorbed, always putting 'me, me, me' first. Adults make adults decisions and when they do wrong, they own up to it. I suggest trying it every once in a while.