Should I tell my husband about an affair that ended last month?

[SeaWave21]

Hi everyone. I am using a name changer for obvious reasons. Please be gentle, I already know I am the lowest of the low right now and I feel sick writing this.

My DH (mid 30s) and I (mid 30s) have been together for a decade and have a beautiful daughter (6). Over the last year, our marriage hit a really dark, lonely place. We stopped connecting entirely.

During this low point, I did the unthinkable. I started flirting with another man, which escalated into a physical affair. I slept with him 3 times. It ended completely one month ago. It was a massive mistake, and it made me realize how much I actually want my marriage to work.

Since it ended, DH and I have been actively working through our issues. Things are genuinely improving, and we are finding our way back to each other. He has no idea about the affair.

I am torn apart by guilt. Part of me thinks he has a right to know the truth, but another part of me knows confessing will destroy him and blow up our daughter's stable life just to clear my own conscience. If I don't tell him, I don't know if I can live with the guilt, or if I should just leave him entirely because he deserves better.

I really need outside perspective. I'm adding a poll because I need to know what the consensus is.

Personally i dont think a bad patch of a year is enougj to justify this level of cheating.

If it were me the guilt would gradually colour the dynamic and the relationship would ultimately fall apart. If you think you can justify it to yourself in your head and crack on, then do that i guess

What is interesting is that in almost any system of ethics the answer would be “tell” the exceptions are those systems that are a form of utilitarianism. Then the answer is unclear about how likely the cheater is to be able to ensure their victim will never find out and their behaviour will never cause worse treatment of their victim. Two very unlikely situations to ever arise. It also assumes no other adverse consequence such as undetected STDs.

Yet so many people favour the “don’t tell” option and some are very convinced they are ethically in the right for that. Is it that all these people are logical utilitarians who are wildly confident in their own skills in deception? Or is it that these people are just completely selfish and only care about their own short term comfort?

@Thisistyresome I think it's a varying combination of rampant self-interest, a woeful lack of integrity, and in some cases a smattering of an inability/unwillingness to empathise with someone if that someone is a man.

What did you end up doing @SeaWave21 ?

Is 'integrity' always telling the absolute truth or is it recognising that you've done something awful, ensuring that you don't ever do it again and not adding on further pain by forcing the other person to deal with it?
Idk - a course of action could be objectively 'right' but still not the right thing to do in reality.

I agree. Seems to be double standards when it’s the woman having the affair.

In every sense of the word - it is always right. In reality - especially in reality, too.

I'm not sure. A cheated on person might not want to leave their spouse but could feel that they have to because that's what you do, when you're cheated on. That others will think less of them for staying. The financial ramifications for both parties could be disastrous.
Does motivation for truth play into the decision? It might make the cheater feel better to be honest but it's dumping all of it on the spouse to deal with and makes them feel worse.

Theres no universal agreement that everyone would want to know if they were in the spouse's position. Serial cheating, then probably yes, but a one off that was genuinely regretted and wouldn't happen again? Maybe not.

The fact that it could be disastrous for both parties is unfortunately part of the deal. A deal that only one of them signed on everyone's behalf. Being damaging is part of it all. The fact that the partner who has been cheated-on would find it difficult to hear the truth is really difficult to say anything to. We are adults, difficulties come our way left and right, we need to be mature enough to deal with them.
One-off is just as bad, it is a bugbear of mine when someone tries to frame it as an "oopsie", a "mistake" (Not saying you are saying this). It was a conscious choice, not an accidental fall down the stairs straight on someone's genitals. We are civilised, mature people, regretting it afterwards is oh so convenient, maybe thinking before would be a good way.
A relationship could only be legit if both parties are aware of who exactly they are in a relationship with. When cheating happened, once, or in OP's case, multiple times, the other party needs to know, no matter how painful, so they could make an informed decision to stay with the person. You know, being fully aware of what contract they are part of. I for the life of me, can't fathom how anyone could stay in a situation like that, but if they choose to do so knowing they were cheated on, it's their decision, their life.
Point is - it's not up to the cheater to conveniently decide if it's "good" or "bad" to come clean.

When I was younger I used to be very black and white about this. I thought that telling the truth was always the best thing to do, that a cheated on person should always leave. But now I think that people fuck up - even decent people sometimes make selfish, stupid choices, which they come to regret. It's not always worth blowing up your (and your family's) lives over something that is over, truly regretted and won't be repeated.
There are loads of reasons why people stay, even if another person can't imagine why - it largely depends on what else is going on within the family at the time. Idk - I think there's no one right thing to do in all circumstances and sometimes honesty can do more harm than good.

Without honesty and transparency, one partner is lacking volition in his or her own life, there is no equal partnership and the whole marriage is a lie. Both spouses have every right to know what is going on. The only exception to telling him immediately is if you have good reason to think he might react with physical violence, and in that case you should leave regardless.

As I said, a person can decide to stay, that is up to them. But that decision needs to be made knowing the full picture.

And see, we agree - people fuck up. And yes, I believe that people can regret doing it too. However, that is just one element of it, regretting will not undo the betrayal, will not undo the harm. Accountability is the operative word. We are adults, it's all peachy if the cheater regrets it, at least they are not a sociopath unable to feel bad about hurting others. And that is the main point too - we are adults. You know, adults who when they fuck up, have to own up to it, and live with the consequences. And for the cheater to keep that process all to themselves is nothing short of self-absorbed and ever-so-convenient. Well, gee, I have done something, nobody forced me, but I chose to go through with it, knowing full-well it's immoral. But after I got the rush (3x in OP's case) I was after, I am conveniently very-very regretting my decision. Yeah, ok. Not how life works. There are black and white aspects of cheating - everyone can choose to stay if they wish, their choice, but their relationship was opened up without their consent, potential STI risks are involved, and the foundation of an intimate relationship was entirely disregarded. Those are facts, black and white. And this is what gets to me - the "oh I don't want poor cheated-on-spouse to feel hurt" argument. Where was that concern when the cheater decided to do the act that will cause the hurt? Let's not start being sensitive and considerate in that stage if we were unable to do so beforehand... Now we care, we didn't when the next touchpoint was sexual satisfaction - like some beast driven by instinct, unable to control their own actions.. Let's not even go there. Loved every minute of the act, but not having the spine to pay the price for it.

100%, the OP needs to tell her husband and give him the agency to make an informed choice about his own future & marriage

OP has fucked off looks like.

And his health and check he doesn’t have any STIs

In other 'similar' threads you will find mention of "once a cheater, always a cheater". Why is the OP different in the case of the above 'wisdom'?

I stand by that statement 100%, once a cheat, always a cheat, the problem with cheating is that you make the decision, often but not in all cases it requires planning, deceit and effort. Therefore it’s pre-meditated, it’s the ultimate lie, the ultimate betrayal, almost every other type of betrayal in a relationship can be overcome but when you choose to share your emotions and your body with someone else you are breaking the foundations of your relationship and that’s almost impossible to repair.

The question is how does that work in a situation where someone makes an unconscious decision to cheat, such as on a drunken night out, are they a seasoned cheat or are they a vulnerable target for someone looking to get their rocks off. To me cheating is cheating but maybe there are other things to consider, not that it would make any difference to my view on the situation.

I have to admit cheating is about the only thing i can’t deal with, it’s the worst thing anyone can do to a partner short of physical/mental abuse.

The OP has clearly fu**ed off though so very little point to this 😉

What he doesn't know won't hurt him.
There's a lot of do-gooders on MN!!

I told the truth, what a mess! So wish I'd kept it to the grave!!!

because "doing good" is somehow bad... wonderful.
What a disgraceful advice, @Ihateknowingthis .

Maybe, consider the fact that the mess was created by your decision to cheat, you know, something that is a 100% in your hands. You chose to do so. That is what made the mess, nothing else.

Maybe, it's worth keeping advice that is objectively disgraceful to yourself instead, and not urge others to own up to their wrongdoings. That's worth considering taking to the grave.

What harm is done, if the person truly regrets it, will never do it again, and the spouse never knows.

I'm not being facetious, it's an honest question. Surely the damage is the feeling of betrayal and upset suffered by the spouse, which results from knowledge of the infidelity - so it stands to reason that if the spouse has no knowledge, there objectively is no damage?

The harm has multiple layers - There is a lot of harm in making the other person be part of something the partner never consented to. Wouldn't you agree? If it is not something the other person would be comfortable with, and yet it is forced on them, I think we can all agree it doesn't point north on the moral compass. Not to mention the fact that every single person has a right to know who they are married to/are in a relationship with when it comes the mutual understanding of what the basics of the relationship are. If exclusivity is part of that, the other person has a right to know that they were disrespected and their relationship damaged, I am not even going to get into STIs, etc. There's plenty of harm there. It is not a question of knowing or not knowing what slice of cake your spouse had for lunch without you, we are talking relationship fundamentals.

We all live once, one life, believing that your spouse was faithful to you as you spent your lives together, when in reality it is not true, that is devastating.

You know, truly regretting it is all fine, I said it before, but at least it's a sign that the person is not entirely without a conscience, not a complete psychopath. But Regretting and forgiving yourself in the safety of your own thoughts is truly spineless, cowardly. If causing pain is such an issue, then the cheater should have stopped before they actually committed the act that causes the pain. Because it's a fact: cheating is a choice, and cheaters choose to cheat, nobody forced them to. And because of that, they should face the consequences, like adults do. At the end of the day, it is very simple: Everyone has a right to know, to decide if they want the relationship to continue or not. There is no grey area here. Lying and deciding for the other person is just self-absorbed and disgusting.

Hmm, I wouldn´t want to be her. So it can´t be THAT easy. Being eaten up by guilt and living in fear that someone, somewhere, knows. I know of someone who this happened to, decades later.

I couldn't live with the lie.

tell him and if it ends your relationship you have to accept that was a true picture of the state of things between you.

The marriage now is an utter sham however you dress it up no matter if you stay together forever till the dying day you will know it. Tell him and maybe he will stay and things will be difficult but the marriage will at least still then always be an honest one.

On the bright side for yoylu no doubt even though its you in the wrong you will get the house, car and most time with your child as thats the way the system works no matter how good a man he is.

Seriously hope he left you if you cheated. Why should men forgive and carry on??