Should I tell my husband about an affair that ended last month?

[SeaWave21]

Hi everyone. I am using a name changer for obvious reasons. Please be gentle, I already know I am the lowest of the low right now and I feel sick writing this.

My DH (mid 30s) and I (mid 30s) have been together for a decade and have a beautiful daughter (6). Over the last year, our marriage hit a really dark, lonely place. We stopped connecting entirely.

During this low point, I did the unthinkable. I started flirting with another man, which escalated into a physical affair. I slept with him 3 times. It ended completely one month ago. It was a massive mistake, and it made me realize how much I actually want my marriage to work.

Since it ended, DH and I have been actively working through our issues. Things are genuinely improving, and we are finding our way back to each other. He has no idea about the affair.

I am torn apart by guilt. Part of me thinks he has a right to know the truth, but another part of me knows confessing will destroy him and blow up our daughter's stable life just to clear my own conscience. If I don't tell him, I don't know if I can live with the guilt, or if I should just leave him entirely because he deserves better.

I really need outside perspective. I'm adding a poll because I need to know what the consensus is.

Personally i dont think a bad patch of a year is enougj to justify this level of cheating.

If it were me the guilt would gradually colour the dynamic and the relationship would ultimately fall apart. If you think you can justify it to yourself in your head and crack on, then do that i guess

What is interesting is that in almost any system of ethics the answer would be “tell” the exceptions are those systems that are a form of utilitarianism. Then the answer is unclear about how likely the cheater is to be able to ensure their victim will never find out and their behaviour will never cause worse treatment of their victim. Two very unlikely situations to ever arise. It also assumes no other adverse consequence such as undetected STDs.

Yet so many people favour the “don’t tell” option and some are very convinced they are ethically in the right for that. Is it that all these people are logical utilitarians who are wildly confident in their own skills in deception? Or is it that these people are just completely selfish and only care about their own short term comfort?

@Thisistyresome I think it's a varying combination of rampant self-interest, a woeful lack of integrity, and in some cases a smattering of an inability/unwillingness to empathise with someone if that someone is a man.

What did you end up doing @SeaWave21 ?

Is 'integrity' always telling the absolute truth or is it recognising that you've done something awful, ensuring that you don't ever do it again and not adding on further pain by forcing the other person to deal with it?
Idk - a course of action could be objectively 'right' but still not the right thing to do in reality.

I agree. Seems to be double standards when it’s the woman having the affair.

In every sense of the word - it is always right. In reality - especially in reality, too.

I'm not sure. A cheated on person might not want to leave their spouse but could feel that they have to because that's what you do, when you're cheated on. That others will think less of them for staying. The financial ramifications for both parties could be disastrous.
Does motivation for truth play into the decision? It might make the cheater feel better to be honest but it's dumping all of it on the spouse to deal with and makes them feel worse.

Theres no universal agreement that everyone would want to know if they were in the spouse's position. Serial cheating, then probably yes, but a one off that was genuinely regretted and wouldn't happen again? Maybe not.

The fact that it could be disastrous for both parties is unfortunately part of the deal. A deal that only one of them signed on everyone's behalf. Being damaging is part of it all. The fact that the partner who has been cheated-on would find it difficult to hear the truth is really difficult to say anything to. We are adults, difficulties come our way left and right, we need to be mature enough to deal with them.
One-off is just as bad, it is a bugbear of mine when someone tries to frame it as an "oopsie", a "mistake" (Not saying you are saying this). It was a conscious choice, not an accidental fall down the stairs straight on someone's genitals. We are civilised, mature people, regretting it afterwards is oh so convenient, maybe thinking before would be a good way.
A relationship could only be legit if both parties are aware of who exactly they are in a relationship with. When cheating happened, once, or in OP's case, multiple times, the other party needs to know, no matter how painful, so they could make an informed decision to stay with the person. You know, being fully aware of what contract they are part of. I for the life of me, can't fathom how anyone could stay in a situation like that, but if they choose to do so knowing they were cheated on, it's their decision, their life.
Point is - it's not up to the cheater to conveniently decide if it's "good" or "bad" to come clean.