Should I tell my husband about an affair that ended last month?

[SeaWave21]

Hi everyone. I am using a name changer for obvious reasons. Please be gentle, I already know I am the lowest of the low right now and I feel sick writing this.

My DH (mid 30s) and I (mid 30s) have been together for a decade and have a beautiful daughter (6). Over the last year, our marriage hit a really dark, lonely place. We stopped connecting entirely.

During this low point, I did the unthinkable. I started flirting with another man, which escalated into a physical affair. I slept with him 3 times. It ended completely one month ago. It was a massive mistake, and it made me realize how much I actually want my marriage to work.

Since it ended, DH and I have been actively working through our issues. Things are genuinely improving, and we are finding our way back to each other. He has no idea about the affair.

I am torn apart by guilt. Part of me thinks he has a right to know the truth, but another part of me knows confessing will destroy him and blow up our daughter's stable life just to clear my own conscience. If I don't tell him, I don't know if I can live with the guilt, or if I should just leave him entirely because he deserves better.

I really need outside perspective. I'm adding a poll because I need to know what the consensus is.

I'd rather know I can't trust someone than place my trust in someone who clearly doesn't deserve it.

Besides, he may decide to leave which could free him up to meet a decent, trustworthy woman in the future.

It should be his choice.

You can’t work on a marriage that doesn’t have respect and honesty. It’s like working on your car, when all you own is a bike.

If you truly want to work on your marriage then don't say anything and commit to take it to the grave.

Not telling him is the cowards way out....he has a right to know so he can make an informed decision (plus he should get an STI test). Cheating is low, lying about it for self preservation is just selfish.

I don't think it has anything to do with punishing the cheater, it has to do with by not telling, you have removed another adult's agency to make informed decisions about their own life. "For your own best, I made a unilateral decision not to tell you about my shitty, selfish behaviour". I don't see how that attitude can exist in a loving and mutually respectful relationship.

Agree with this.

You say now or say nothing EVER.

Your DD blew her life up by kissing another man!

This isn’t about punishing the OP.

It’s about the personal agency of a victim of cheating. There are a myriad of choices that will now be made by this betrayed partner that he might not have made if he has the truth in front of him.

• financial choices (pensions, inheritance etc)
• career choices
• medical choices
• family decisions

He doesn’t get to make any of those safely and with full personal agency while this is kept from him. I think the basic truth is there are a fair few people here who see protecting the marriage and family unit as more important than this man’s personal agency. I think that’s what it boils down to.

As ever I hope that if someone ever finds out that my husband is cheating, they will tell me so I can make a choice that is right for myself and my family. I deserve that respect and common decency, I believe this man does too.

I can’t believe the number of people on this post without any morals. Of course he deserves to know so that he can leave the OP and find someone who actually cares about him.
if the post was flipped and it was a man asking if he should tell his wife about his affair the responses would be very different

You should be honest with him

Pretending that telling him benefits you (unburdening yourself from your guilt) rather than him (being able to decide if he wants to continue building a life with you) is disingenuous

You've put him at risk of STIs and now you want to force him to continue spending his life with a cheater and a liar. And you claim to love this man?

Imagine him believing everything is well and there's a man out there who knows he fucked his wife. Where's his dignity in this?

The lack of morals because it's a woman who has cheated and not a man is disgusting

To the grave!!! Work on your marriage. Don’t break his heart for no reason.

No reason??? She was shagging another man behind his back…..

she doesn’t deserve a husband when she can do this.

how the hell can you justify someone doing this?

Assume you would think the same if a bloke was the op?

@OneOfEachPlease
I agree with the first reply.
Also if you do tell then be prepared that this might be the end of your marriage, as your husband may not be able to accept the affair. The affair was obviously a mistake and telling your husband will be another big mistake.
He may not be able to forgive you.
If you really regret the affair and do really want the marriage to work then keep quiet.
There is absolutely nothing to gain by telling him. You will only end up hurting him.

You may be feeling guilty but you realise it was a mistake and the main thing is you have ended it, also in the future you need to stay faithful.

I understand some messages are saying its better to be honest but even if it means it will destroy your marriage.
My advice is carry on working on your marriage and give your daughter the stability she deserves.
I hope this works out for you. Wishing you all the best.

I am genuinely shocked at the amount of people who are saying things like why break his heart by telling him/why hurt him/etc. She broke his heart when she was unfaithful. The damage has been done, the hurt has been caused. It feels a bit like not wanting to upset someone by telling them they have cancer so instead you let them carry on blissfully unaware. All the while they are none the wiser that they need serious help and don’t have the information they need to seek it out.

As someone who has recently been cheated on (Not physical but I still class it as) and stayed I have come to the conclusion I wish I never knew. Ignorance really is bliss.

Everyday it’s all I think about, it consumes my thoughts every minute and I live under a very dark cloud but I don’t want to change my children’s lives which some may not agree with.

If you are genuinely sorry and this will never happen again please take it to the grave, do not tell a soul as that web has also caused a lot of heartbreak for me.

You have a duty of honesty, he has the right to know.

Say nothing. Unburden yourself with a friend or counsellor.

No. You might feel better, he would feel substantially worse and you may damage the long term prospect for your marriage. You now need to focus on making your marriage work, not look backwards.

To me, cheating is an absolutely unforgivable breach in a relationship. Once that happens, there is nothing left to rebuild. OP is not rebuilding her marriage; she is creating an illusion.

OP, telling your husband what happened is not about easing your own conscience. It’s about his right to know the truth. If he understood what actually happened, there’s a real possibility he would choose not to rebuild the marriage, and he deserves the chance to make that decision for himself.

Double standerds on here.

If he ever cheats on you op dont be mad call it karma.

It also depends if you want to build a safe, intimate and passionate relationship longer term or not.

To be safe you must share

Extract I think applies here:

If you want to feel safe with a person, you need to develop the mutual habits of sharing everything easily, comfortably, and readily.

Most people in our culture do not feel safe enough to share their inner workings, and thus they are careful about what they say. They selectively share. I think a foolish example of this is to share only nice things and keep awkward or negative things hidden. Sometimes this is called being polite.

While this may work with people at work, or with strangers, selective sharing in a long-term relationship is a problem. The secrets will surface. Thus, there will be Big Surprises, and with those surprises, there will often be a sense of betrayal.

This is nowhere more clear than in a marriage when an affair becomes public. At that moment, the burden of the unknown and unshared material becomes enormous. People, particularly the affaired-against-partner start asking many questions. They have become fearful of all that unknown stuff. The questions go on and on.

I see this as an invitation to shift from the outer circle to the inner circle.

@thaisweetchillim in a similar position and I feel the same.

Some days are better than others but some days the anger, frustration, jealousy and sadness are unbearable.

Yet I cannot bring myself to blow our lives apart. The kids and I would be much worse off, in every way.

People always say “don’t stay for the kids. They can always tell, anyway” and “being single is better for the kids than constant shouting / fighting.”

But we don’t fight. We don’t shout. We get along really well and are happy (apart from when I bring this up again, as I struggle to get over it.)

Ignorance really was bliss. ALTHOUGH - he did get a massive fright when I found out and he found himself having to explain himself. He has aged horribly since I found out and he left to for two weeks. It has had a profound physical and emotional effect on him. I do wonder, if I hadn’t found out, and he “got away with it”…..would he have just carried on forever? He says not and that it had already stopped when I found out. But who knows.

May I ask what your husband did, if not physical? No pressure to reply.

I agree. If OP isn't a conscientious person, she will be able to keep it to herself, but this also makes a relapse in future more likely. How much of her wanting to stay is actually her guilty conscience is another issue entirely.

"Won't anyone think of the children" pearl-clutching is all well and good, but the seemingly pragmatic choice being successful depends on not just being able to live a lie, but commit to it.

I think OP's chance also depends on who exactly ended the affair.

Marriage is over. She decided that when she shagged someone else…

I would give the same advice to a man or a woman if I thought they had deep regret and no intentions of doing that ever again- don't tell, let time pass, work on the relationship.

Most men do not confess either, they get found out. It's different.