Should I tell my husband about an affair that ended last month?

[SeaWave21]

Hi everyone. I am using a name changer for obvious reasons. Please be gentle, I already know I am the lowest of the low right now and I feel sick writing this.

My DH (mid 30s) and I (mid 30s) have been together for a decade and have a beautiful daughter (6). Over the last year, our marriage hit a really dark, lonely place. We stopped connecting entirely.

During this low point, I did the unthinkable. I started flirting with another man, which escalated into a physical affair. I slept with him 3 times. It ended completely one month ago. It was a massive mistake, and it made me realize how much I actually want my marriage to work.

Since it ended, DH and I have been actively working through our issues. Things are genuinely improving, and we are finding our way back to each other. He has no idea about the affair.

I am torn apart by guilt. Part of me thinks he has a right to know the truth, but another part of me knows confessing will destroy him and blow up our daughter's stable life just to clear my own conscience. If I don't tell him, I don't know if I can live with the guilt, or if I should just leave him entirely because he deserves better.

I really need outside perspective. I'm adding a poll because I need to know what the consensus is.

Well since it's been nearly 2 hours and the OP hasn't graced us with their presence, I'm going to assume it's yet more bloody research.

Why are you so obstinate about the fact people want to protect the child?

No one is advocating cheating or lying. We are all appalled that she did it but now she has a child to think about.

You really need to consider that adulthood isn't black and white in the way you're suggesting.

There is a CHILD involved and the CHILD will be punished for what the MOTHER did if it all goes wrong. No one is trying to shield the MOTHER.

I don't know how else to put it to you so you understand.

See? I told you. People don't like it. They're not motivated by what I, or any betrayed/hypothetically betrayed partner wants, they're motivated by what they think we should want. And what they think we should want, above all, is to punish the cheater, because our desires and happiness aren't good enough reasons.

That simply isn't my priority.

Yep and when a man does it', it's "Once a cheat, always a cheat" and "A leopard doesn't change its spots".

But when it's a woman, it's apparently a one-off.

Tell him but it’s the end of your marriage. You killed it when you had your affair. You can finish it quickly or prolong the agony either way it’s finished. Better to be honest and free rather than wondering when and how he will find out. Also next time you have a rough patch will you have another accidental affair?

No one is advocating cheating or lying. We are all appalled that she did it but now she has a child to think about.

She always had a child to think about and a husband to think about...

3 times she had them to think about but was apparently too busy thinking with her vagina.

Well tbh, while I didn't always feel this way, the more I see of life, the more I think men are much more likely than women to cheat when they're perfectly happy and have no desire to leave their marriage or family. When women cheat, much more often, it is because they're unhappy. That doesn't make the cheating ok, but I do think it means they're less likely to repeat it once they're out of it. And more likely to experience the punishment of guilt.

Of course she did! But she can't go back in time and fix that now. It was wrong. I wish people would come here for advice BEFORE cheating but that didn't happen and now there's a mess. A mess the child didn't create but has to suffer the consequences for so the OP has a free conscience.

It's a place no one should go and hopefully, anyone considering it, will happen upon this thread BEFORE doing anything to see what a mess it creates.

No good outcome.

Yes, she was wrong. It was a shitty thing to do. I don't think anyone disputes that.

But she's thinking now, and better late than never. So the question isn't how to bring about her cosmic comeuppance, it's about what's best for the innocent, blameless people she loves and now wants to do right by.

You should leave him entirely @SeaWave21. You ended your marriage when you cheated the first time. You didn't consider how that would blow up your child's life. You just considered yourself.

Tell your husband. He deserves to know you can't be trusted.

Just checking - are the children innocent and blameless, and in need of protection at the cost of a lifetime of lies and deceit, when the man has had the affair? If so, can we now confirm the ducks in a row, LTB crowd are wrong and women should just get on with their unhappy marriages.

@ThatCyanCat
You write 'it's about what's best for the innocent, blameless people she loves and now wants to do right by.'
When a man appears on here and regrets an affair shall we all quickly quote you?
It's about what's best for the innocent, blameless people you love and now wants to do right by'. Don't tell her. Leave your wife in ignorance. It's for the best no matter how guilty you feel.

It's a mess the OP was happy to create.

She did it willingly and knowingly.

And she did it 3 times.

We've already stated we understand that, don't condone it, it was wrong etc etc.

Edited to add: you seem unwilling or unable to grasp that the child is involved and will suffer or you don't seem to think that the kid deserves to be blissfully unaware

You seem stuck thinking we're all here advocating lying and cheating. It's bizarre.

I'm going to assume she wanted to do right by her husband the day she decided to marry him.

And I'll assume she wanted to do right by her daughter the day she gave birth to her.

Thinking now is not 'better late than never' at all.

She needs to tell her husband what she did to him and their marriage/family and let him decide the next move.

There's no guarantee she won't stop 'thinking' again the next time she gets the fanny flutters over another man.

The child is not a priority though, is it. If it was, the mess wouldn’t exist. So pretending it is now is frankly a convenient lie to hide behind.

What about his right to decide if he wants to stay married? OP has all the facts, her husband doesn’t. She has worked through it and decided she wants to stay married, great, let him have the opportunity to do the same

…and clearly the husband wasn’t a priority before and still isn’t, if the lie continues.

No don’t. I understand that you want to but it might destroy your relationship. Do you want to risk that?

If you decide not to tell, is there any chance it could come out later down the line? Could someone tell someone who ends up telling your DH? I wouldn’t be so certain that you deciding not to tell means that he will never find out. Only you know but just incase it’s possible that you fix your marriage and then this blows up in, say, a year or two.

No, but there's no "guarantee" of many things, including people who never strayed before doing it in future. If she's consumed with guilt, I think she's unlikely to add to it. Unless maybe someone convinces her she's already damned beyond redemption, in which case why try to do better?

But you and the other poster are just focusing endlessly on the past and what she did and, essentially, why she must be uncovered. The focus really isn't on the future or the family. It's all about the bad thing she did, all about her. As always, it comes down to needing her to be punished above all else and any other pain or destruction is in that noble cause. People deny it but that is truly how it looks to me, always does, because it's never about the pain it will cause, it's always But She Did...

You saw the person who got angry with me because I said I wouldn't want to be told. Clearly, my wants don't matter. It's just about punishment no matter what collateral damage.

Perhaps the best situation is one that leaves the family unhurt and unburdened, but not OP... and that's what keeping it to herself would do.

One final thing that might help people understand where I'm coming from. I hate cheating; it's shitty, selfish and destructive. But I don't subscribe to the idea that all cheats are serial cheats, or that cheats can't possibly love their spouses and go on to do better. Some, of course, but not all...maybe not even most. It isn't what I've seen of life. If you don't believe that, I guess I can see why punishment would be all that matters to you because you don't agree there's really any true alternative. But that's not my experience.

If you want to have any chance of a successful marriage with your husband you need to tell him, hope and pray he can forgive you, seek marriage counselling and build a new future together. This is obviously the scariest option because you lose all control- it’s entirely up to your husband to decide whether he wants to leave you or try to repair what you’ve broken.

Staying and not telling him isn’t fair to him and you also risk that someday down the line he (and your daughter) will find out anyway and the damage will be far worse than you telling him now.

Leaving him and not telling him leaves you, him and your daughter no better off than the first option of telling him and letting him decide what to do so not sure why this is a consideration.

Like she hasn't already risked it 3 times?

Please don't tell him. He will never trust you again. It will cause him untold hurt and anguish which he may never get over. Just don't.

Work on your marriage and move on. Why hurt him.

my first question is, does anyone else at all know about this? Because that would be a consideration for me.