Should I tell my husband about an affair that ended last month?

[SeaWave21]

Hi everyone. I am using a name changer for obvious reasons. Please be gentle, I already know I am the lowest of the low right now and I feel sick writing this.

My DH (mid 30s) and I (mid 30s) have been together for a decade and have a beautiful daughter (6). Over the last year, our marriage hit a really dark, lonely place. We stopped connecting entirely.

During this low point, I did the unthinkable. I started flirting with another man, which escalated into a physical affair. I slept with him 3 times. It ended completely one month ago. It was a massive mistake, and it made me realize how much I actually want my marriage to work.

Since it ended, DH and I have been actively working through our issues. Things are genuinely improving, and we are finding our way back to each other. He has no idea about the affair.

I am torn apart by guilt. Part of me thinks he has a right to know the truth, but another part of me knows confessing will destroy him and blow up our daughter's stable life just to clear my own conscience. If I don't tell him, I don't know if I can live with the guilt, or if I should just leave him entirely because he deserves better.

I really need outside perspective. I'm adding a poll because I need to know what the consensus is.

Read Tess of the d'Urbevilles and then decide.

Sure. OP doesn't gain anything by telling the truth. But her DH would gain the truth and so would be able to make informed decisions rather than being kept in the dark and fed bullshit.

But I accept that not everyone sees integrity as a particularly important character trait so you do you.

To be fair, significantly fewer men are beaten to death by their wives if they disclose infidelity - women don't even need to be actually having an affair to be killed for that.

I say tell him out of respect for him. Let him decide if he wants to be with you based on the facts. How will he feel if five years down the line he finds out and he knows that you have been holding this back for years? If he does decide to break it off, well, then you move on in your separate directions and build the lives you want apart. But keeping someone in a relationship where they think they are living in one situation when they are actually in another because you don't want to tell them - I think that is truly unforgiveable. And maybe it will never come out - but chances are that it will at some point. Do you want to always be waiting for that moment to come? Doesn't sound like a great way for either of you to live.

Having an affair removes personal agency and right to informed sexual consent from the primary partner. You remove the right for them to make their own choices about their lives. It’s part of the damage affairs cause.

Staying with your betrayed partner and keeping it to yourself only continues this. It controls the narrative, and ensures the outcome YOU desire for how long that suits YOU.

IMHO that’s still selfish and entitled, which is the character traits which got you into this mess in the first place. Arguably to do and be better and show real growth, you allow him to make his own choices with all the truth laid out in front of him.

Tess was raped, Clare was a total hypocrite, neither of them was married when they had sex and the year was 1891. The subtitle was A Pure Woman.

Tell and work through the consequences to have a life built on integrity with yourself.

You should tell him. Something like that will come out eventually and it would be better for him to hear it from you than from someone else months down the line. And if you don’t tell him can you live with the guilt.

The consequence of your actions i.e. the burden of guilt should be yours alone.

If you love him, don't do it again and do not tell him for the reasons you've stated.

If you have any respect for him at all then you would tell him and allow him to make his own decision.

The bottom line is that you did something awful and you’re going to be punished. You can choose the punishment.

You either live with the guilt, hope it fades, and potentially spend your life hoping no one else tells him (if there is any chance of that happening).

Or you accept that your marriage is likely to be over, and even if it isn’t, your husband will never feel the same way about you again.

There isn’t an option 3, where you unburden yourself, stop feeling guilty, your husband is OK, and you both live happily ever after. Anyone whose partner has had an affair will tell you that even if they stay together, it’s never the same again.

Don't tell unless you want your marriage to end.

It ended. 3 times in fact.

Do you want to tell him because you think it’s genuinely necessary for him to know, or do you want to tell him because the guilt is eating you up inside? Does he deserve his peace or do you deserve yours?
I think the guilt you feel is yours to bear. You suck it up because it’s a consequence of your actions and you don’t pass it on to him in the hope that he will forgive you. The guilt is your punishment. You handle it alone and you do better going forward. You don’t shatter your family because you’re too weak to handle your weakness. Woman up.
i know I’m being harsh. Having an affair is selfish. But you’ve finished it and telling now to assuage your guilt is just more selfishness. Be stronger than that.

I don't think I'd want to know if I was your DH. You acknowledge it was a mistake, it's over and you want to work on your marriage. It's not in your child's or husbands best interests for this to come out.

Don't tell him.

All you would be doing is unburdening yourself of your guilt and putting the decision on him as to whether you stay or go.

Your relationship will never be the same either way, but by not telling him, only one of you knows that.

I say that as the partner who was cheated on.

I agree with this. You can't have a marriage based on dishonesty.

I have never divulged my affairs to anyone. It’s only down to my husband being indiscreet I found out about his. I’d rather not have known. The price you pay is your guilt you don’t get the luxury of unburdening yourself to salve your conscience. If you are actively working through your issues then you can actively decide to remove yourself from future situations and temptation. I do not subscribe to ‘once a cheat…’ if you wish, you can control your behaviour and make better choices for your family

The fact you've posted here to ask and it's all quite recent suggests to me that you're already struggling to keep the secret and the guilt is going to eat you up...not to mention the fact that he deserves to know, especially in case of STDs etc.

If you were going to be able to keep it quiet, you wouldn't be telling anyone and forgetting it happened.

I would tell, personally, but I would never cheat.

I advised she didn't tell because she has a child. She can't take back what she did and it isn't the fault of the child. So, lying protects the child. Yes, it protects the OP, too. However, she has guilt from what she did and that is the consequence of her actions. What does the child gain from all of this if everything goes up in flames?

If there were no child, I'd absolutely advocate for confessing. Not the case here.

However, I will say that I've never put myself in such a position, so I am not speaking from experience.

Edited to say: it's more that just about the security of the childs home life etc.

People do not think ahead to the real danger that they put themselves and their families in when they cheat.

Emotions run high and bad things happen.

Just really think about what you choose to do when you do something so reckless like cheating. It's dangerous in so many ways.

If he had cheated on you, would you want him to keep quiet about it?

It’s legit crazy that people think lying in this scenario is a selfless act.

I don't think anyone thinks it's selfless. That's the wrong word. But it doesn't burden the husband or child, and telling would. OP will feel guilty either way and at least this way there's no additional pain for any of the innocents.

The priority isn't punishing the cheat, it's protecting the family that OP does want to keep and will not betray again. It's true that means OP "gets away with it" but there's no way to not get away with it that doesn't hurt the innocent. And their wellbeing is more important.

I totally get the other side of the argument but it always seems to boil down to punishing the cheat above all else, and I just don't think that's the priority. Doesn't mean I condone it, just that I think protection is more important. The world is a messy place.

The truth hurts once, a lie hurts a thousand times. Tell him, he deserves to make informed choices in his own life.

Lying doesn’t protect the child. It imprisons them in the lie, too. When the lie eventually unravels, it’s too late to repair that damage. Acting now gives you a chance to fix forward.

I advocate for being brave, being honest, and facing whatever may come with the knowledge that you can change yourself to become a better person, and people can still love you in spite of your mistakes. People can accept mistakes. But, people cannot accept liars.