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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

804 replies

mummy917 · 17/06/2026 13:15

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

OP posts:
PetulaGordeno · 20/06/2026 05:17

Firstly, I am a bit older than you and if I were your mum, not his lovely mummy providing ALL the shelter, I would come round today and tell him to fuck right off. And when he gets there, to get to fuck.
He is leaving and can’t handle a single question from his daughter? Yeah, right, good luck with that mate because when you your children are with you alone there is going to be a raft of questions.
To accuse you of abuse because you suggested your daughter ask him a question instead of you?
He is an abusive, nasty, weak, pathetic excuse for a man. As for his remark about you crying he has left you to look after HIS four young children, you are exhausted, you gave birth to those children and care for them and that’s how he treats you?
If I were your mum I would ask him this - if you love staying with your mum so much then why not do that for a while instead of rushing to get a flat you can barely furnish?
He is an abusive piece of shit. It’s not uncommon but when it happens to you it’s like getting repeatedly smacked over the head with it.
Stop talking to him or looking to him for any crumb of comfort. He will just abuse you again.
Take other posters advice about an app.
If you have Insta have a look at someone called Rachel Starting Over. She’s been through the same although she’s about 6 months on from you, and by God the difference in her is immense.
He is now taking all this poison out of your home. Let it stay there.
You are a loving, caring, fantastic woman and all he’s doing is projecting his own guilt.
The absolute prick.

DimwittedSkater · 20/06/2026 05:59

mummy917 · 17/06/2026 14:49

Wow I can’t believe how similar your experience is!!! He definitely changed when the twins came along and just can’t hack when they both need something at the same time. Yes it’s bloody hard but you still have to get on with it and learn to adapt. It’s lovely to hear how far on you are now and how much better you’re doing 😊 it gives me so much hope xx

My friend's exH was EXACTLY the same. Became obsessed with the gym, came home one day with a massive tattoo across his back and, of course, my friend could do nothing right.

He was the biggest PITA about the gym. Posted stuff on Facebook to the effect that it was arrogant to let yourself go, and he was tearing himself down when he put on a little bit of weight etc.

And when he had the kids, he took them to the GYM as an outing - and a piece of equipment fell on one of the kids! It hurt them but not seriously, luckily. But still. What an absolute asshat.

A few shirt years after he left, he was diagnosed with a bad form of cancer, yet still couldn't stop drinking, and he was arrested for something recently. The kids don't see him much anymore.

I guess my friend wasn't the cause of all his problems, after all.

I absolutely think that all these men are/were having mid-life crises. They're SO similar! The tattoos, the gym, the turning against their spouse. The phrase "midlife crisis" doesn't seem to cover it. I think a complete mental breakdown would be more accurate.

I hope there's a special place in heaven for women whose husbands have left them and the children, especially when the children are very young. I think these men are complete cads, and not so long ago they'd have been seen as such, and shunned in society.

Tana433 · 20/06/2026 06:03

Wishing an easy day as possible today for you and your children. Yes, it will be painful but you need to get through it to the other side and then you can start picking up the pieces and assembling a new life. Easier said than done, i know, iwent through it in 2011 although my two children were older so i understand how you will be feeling but just know, this wont last forever. Looking back, i cant believe all the shit i put up with but i too blamed myself for a while. Good luck OP, you and your children deserve a peaceful life.

DoloresDelEriba · 20/06/2026 06:13

Good luck OP. You are doing brilliantly. We are all rooting for you and wishing you well. Stay strong and this horrible bit will be over soon. Enjoy your house and your children. Have a good chuck out and tidy and you will feel loads better. You’ve got this! 💪🏻♥️💪🏻 x

Iamnemesis · 20/06/2026 06:24

Good luck, remember we are all standing right with you.

TastelessMiserySand · 20/06/2026 06:47

Good luck today @mummy917. I know it won't be easy, and it will be a day that you and your children will remember for all the wrong reasons BUT in time you will look back on this as the fork in the road that let the 5 of you move forward to the most wonderful life. And for now, in these difficult and raw early days, remember you have an absolute army of women standing with you, ready to catch you if you stumble. All feelings are valid, and things WILL be so so much better after this. Xxx
P.S. Imagine if Mumsnet weren't anonymous, and we were all able to turn up outside your house today, hordes of women standing with folded arms, watching him with looks of disgust as he tries to manoeuvre a sofa into a van on his own! Imagine him feeling our eyes burning into his back, as his face gets redder and swestier, and not a single person offering to help, because we don't help pricks. He'd feel so small and ashamed! Whilst we can't be there physically, there are 1000s of us who will be doing that in spirit today! (And I for one hope he drops something heavy on his foot!)

YourHeartyFatball · 20/06/2026 06:50

Thinking of you today.

begone25 · 20/06/2026 06:57

Good luck OP. So many of us rooting for you today🤞💐💕

Lsquiggles · 20/06/2026 07:06

What a horrible little man, you don't deserve any of this. I wouldn't trust him to stick to anything he has said so do what you need to do for you and your kids.

Keeping you in my thoughts this weekend as you get the bad smell out your house.

mummy917 · 20/06/2026 07:08

Wow, thank you all so so much for your lovely words and well wishes for today, I welled up I won’t lie 🥹

I wish every single one of you were here today and I would hug each and every one 💛

I am feeling slightly better than I did last night and feel as ready as I can be for today.

I will be downloading a parenting app at some point over this weekend and I had an email from my solicitor yesterday (I didn’t check my emails until late last night) and he is going to get the ball rolling next week with mediation as the first step.

I will update you all tonight once There We Are Then has gone and the kids are settled.

Thank you again for standing behind me and my kids through this, I will be forever grateful xx

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 20/06/2026 07:14

You’ll be awesome, OP. Fresh start without the critical twat in the works.

DimwittedSkater · 20/06/2026 07:15

EvieBB · 19/06/2026 20:44

I feel for you op. I'm sorry he's doing this to you. It absolutely sucks xx
I've been there. My ex also had me on my knees like this, emotionally. (Thankfully we didn't have kids).
I didn't understand at the time that (like another poster pointed out) - that he was projecting. All those things he accused me of were simply HIS personality traits ..but I didn't understand this at the time and have never even heard of "projecting". This was over 20yrs ago. He had me second guessing myself constantly until I thought I was going mad.
Please please don't waste another second thinking this is anything to do with you. Show him all the emotion you want, be you, don't let him stifle you any longer ...he will respect you more if you stand up to him, look him in the eye and tell him to absolutely FUCK OFF and mean it. Tell him he's vile and mean it. Tell him you honestly don't give a flying fuck what he think of you anymore because his opinions are worthless.
He's like a nasty, snappy dog - trying to scare and control you (because deep down he's scared/messed up). Stand up to him, don't give a shit about what he thinks (because why would you care about his screwed and messed up opinions on any case?). His opinions are worthless.
Show him your strength and hopefully he'll slink off with his tail between his legs.
We're here for you. One day at a time xx

Yup, another one here whose husband absolutely tore my character to shreds. It was like a pitbull shredding a soft toy. All because I didn't keep myself as thin as he demanded. The things he accused me of...I have never felt like a worse person in my life. Interestingly, I have never inspired such intense emotions in anyone else I've ever met, slept with, or lived with. He was crazy. I uploaded one of his emails to ChatGPT and even the robot couldn't believe it.

I think at heart is these men's refusal to take responsibility for what they are doing. They can't just say "Look, I know I'm being a twat, and I'm really sorry but I've found I just can't live up to the vows I made. I know it's shit but I feel really trapped and unhappy. I'll be totally fair in the divorce." But noooooo, thanks to their fragile male ego, it has to be their wife's fault.

Come to think of it, I don't know why more of these men who bolt don't just own it and say "I found marriage too difficult and, despite my efforts, couldn't live up to those vows." I think many people would have some sympathy with that.

Two2TooAlsoToToward · 20/06/2026 07:19

TastelessMiserySand · 20/06/2026 06:47

Good luck today @mummy917. I know it won't be easy, and it will be a day that you and your children will remember for all the wrong reasons BUT in time you will look back on this as the fork in the road that let the 5 of you move forward to the most wonderful life. And for now, in these difficult and raw early days, remember you have an absolute army of women standing with you, ready to catch you if you stumble. All feelings are valid, and things WILL be so so much better after this. Xxx
P.S. Imagine if Mumsnet weren't anonymous, and we were all able to turn up outside your house today, hordes of women standing with folded arms, watching him with looks of disgust as he tries to manoeuvre a sofa into a van on his own! Imagine him feeling our eyes burning into his back, as his face gets redder and swestier, and not a single person offering to help, because we don't help pricks. He'd feel so small and ashamed! Whilst we can't be there physically, there are 1000s of us who will be doing that in spirit today! (And I for one hope he drops something heavy on his foot!)

Is it bad that I want to do this IRL today?

LemonSorbetCone · 20/06/2026 07:28

You‘re amazing OP! Sending you strength for today.

Jennalong · 20/06/2026 07:33

Two2TooAlsoToToward · 20/06/2026 07:19

Is it bad that I want to do this IRL today?

And me !

poweredbyteaandtoast · 20/06/2026 07:39

Jennalong · 20/06/2026 07:33

And me !

Me too! We’re right beside you OP xx

Needapadlockonmyfridge · 20/06/2026 07:41

You've got this, OP.

Clearing out rubbish is cathartic. And he is definitely rubbish!

I know today will be difficult, but you will get through x

Aiming4Optimistic · 20/06/2026 07:41

Hi OP, when my friends husband moved out, she was able to prevent him from coming back into the house with a 'right to privacy' thing that her solicitor got sorted for her. I'd change the locks anyway but this is worth looking into before everything is finalised. You don't want him changing his mind and trying to come back, or taking more things from the house.

You are doing really well Flowers

Ineffable23 · 20/06/2026 07:41

Jennalong · 20/06/2026 07:33

And me !

And me.

Sending you strength @mummy917

Jennalong · 20/06/2026 07:51

Put something nice on today , put some make up on & do your hair and if you can be bright and breezy . Let him see what he is losing . You've got this !

OneOliveOtter · 20/06/2026 07:54

The day is here, the trash is taking itself out. And your home can be your sanctuary once again!

Imagine your husbands words today as those of a tiny, vicious but ultimately inconsequential chihuahua. You are the swan and he is the mud at the bottom of the pond. Nothing he can say will affect you. Imagine a force field around you that rejects bullshit and words from men having a tantrum as the consequences of their own behaviour firmly slaps them in the face.

You can do this!

MrsAga · 20/06/2026 08:13

We’re all cheering you on OP, you’ve got this. Put some music on & sing along to it. It’ll keep your spirits up & have the added benefit of unnerving him that you sound happy.

Firebox64 · 20/06/2026 08:34

My wonderful counsellor helped me enormously with this. She said, “when he starts his nonsense, just imagine him as a little boy in his little Clark’s sandals and his little socks with his little mouth pulled down, having his tantrum.” If he taunts you again about crying, tell him shortly to grow up, adults feel things, unlike him. All across the nation and beyond, we are with you today, holding your family in our hearts and, like that brilliant previous post, staring him down. X

PetulaGordeno · 20/06/2026 08:53

Two2TooAlsoToToward · 20/06/2026 07:19

Is it bad that I want to do this IRL today?

I would never condone actual violence but I wouldn’t mind throwing a few smelly fish. Rotten veg? Squashed tomatoes?

PetulaGordeno · 20/06/2026 08:53

Can we start calling him Twatoo as well?

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