Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

I think these are all things I’ll come to learn as time goes on, especially if he doesn’t stick to his word.

I’ve woken up to a text off him which he sent at 1am, apologising for missing the FaceTime saying he’d only just seen it 🤔 the kids rang him at half 6 🤣 he’s not mentioned the school run this morning so will be interesting to see if he turns up for it.

Alternatively if you can put your phone into do not disturb mode, you can check messages when you want but won’t get notifications for them and will send phone calls straight to voicemail. On an iPhone you can set it up to only let select people through but to everyone else communications are blocked from notifying you but still come through for you to check when you’re ready.

its either do not disturb or personal focus - something like that on an iPhone. Android might have similar.

i’m just thinking about a scenario where he sees that the ticks are not turning blue as usual on what’s app and changes tact with a call or standard text.

in an ideal world you would block him for the whole time kids are with him, but not practical in emergencies.

you’re doing so well, OP. Mega strong! 💪

He's not getting off to a very good start!

Well it’s half 7 and I still have heard nothing. I’m not sure whether I should text him to ask if he’s remembered he promised our son he’d take him to school.

I’d text “you need to be here by 8.00 or son will be late for school”.

Yes send this.

Ah but then she’ll be ‘controlling’…

I’d wait for the latest you can wait and just take him yourself
i wouldn’t text him

I’ve got my son continually asking what time he’ll be here, if he can ring him to see where he’s at. This is hard 😩

For your son’s sake, I hope he turns up. I wouldn’t text and remind him though. Let him fail.

Let your son ring him. If he doesn’t answer son can leave a voicemail.

He can text/ring to ask his dad if he’s on his way, if you manage his expectations first so the emotions aren’t too hard to handle.

“Dad’s not got into the routine yet, so he might not make it. Don’t worry, we’ll get you to school!”

You do not have to “cover” for their father’s shitty behaviour.

Bloody hell, that poor kid.

He tried FaceTiming him around 15 mins and there was no answer. I’ve reassured my son that he will be school on time no matter who takes him.

Your poor boy. He seems to be really struggling which is understandable. I wonder if it may be worth looking into some therapy for him to help him cope with the new setup.

It’s the look of disappointment when his dad doesn’t answer and he’s unsure of what is happening. I will see how the weekend goes with their dad and I think my first port of call will be the school to see if there’s anything they can put in place. If not, I’ll look elsewhere.

OP I'd let your son call him. If he answers let him and your son talk. If he doesn't answer your son can leave a message, and you can reassure him that he WILL get to school even if you take him and he'll see his dad at the weekend.

Don't make any excuses for him, as hard as it is to see them upset. A simple "I'm not sure why, you will have to ask your dad." In a kind voice, followed by some reassurance that you will take him to school/pick up the slack.

Replying at 1am, I think other posters were right that he was out drinking (or shagging). 🙄

I saw your comment about sending food.....

If YOU had no money for food, what would you do? Personally as a parent I'd:

• try to avoid the situation to begin with (eg by not spunking money on gym/tattoos).
• sell ANYTHING I could to buy food (old dvds, old toys, old clothes).
• ask my bank for a temporary overdraft with a plan to reduce it back gradually.
• go to a food bank or a community pantry.

I'd do ALL of those things before making it anyone else's problem. And I have done all of those things in the past btw. Only had to use a food bank once in 21 years of parenting but yes I did swallow my pride and get food from there for my child.

A responsible parent tries to always have food for their kids and if times are genuinely dire then there is help available.

It is not your problem to solve.

I would suggest instead of sending food. Or nappies. Etc is that if he says he can't have the kids as he doesn't have the basics for them that he doesn't have them. 🤷 And you log it that he didn't have his scheduled time as he couldn't feed/clothe/provide nappies etc for them.

If he hadn't spunked hundreds on a tattoo I might have a little sympathy for money being tight but he's a selfish man child who can't budget his funds with his children in first place. 🤬

I know you've said before your natural instinct is to help/problem solve and I know that will be hard to step back from when it involves your kids. But the solution is to let him fall. He will either miss the time with the kids and get his act together or he won't. Either way the kids will be fine as they have you being responsible and putting them first.

P.S. you're right to ignore the message about the bed. Again it's his problem to solve and the mattress on its own wouldn't be the end of the world for one weekend.

He has a bed though doesn't he.... What would you do if your child didn't have a bed frame but you did?.... I think we know which of us it would be a problem for, us or our child. My child would have the bed and I'd have the mattress on the floor. I'd make it a thing "silly me I ordered the wrong bed, but don't worry you can either have a camping style bed on the floor this weekend OR you can have my big bed and I'll have the floor, you can choose".

He is ridiculous texting you about it. Not your problem!

Managing their son’s emotions isn’t ‘covering for dad’.
It’s helping son understand that the behaviour isn’t about him, and that mum will do what’s needed regardless of dad. The boy doesn’t have the full framework of adult knowledge to process what’s going on, and needs support so he doesn’t default to a damaging interpretation.
He’ll still work out that Dad’s useless, but he will still feel secure and ok about himself.

Yeah, some firm boundaries need to be put in place. He needs to be told that if he tells the kids he is going to do something he needs to actually do it. You also need to tell him that the situation is causing your son anxiety and he needs to play his part in making this as stress free as possible for your son and the other children.

might be too late but could message;
[son’s name] is asking what time you’ll be here?

I’m guessing OP is currently dashing her poor son to school.

This is so sad. What a useless dad.

This is so tricky for you because you want to protect your son, either you or your son having to text to remind him shows how unreliable he has been. He should have been texting you to confirm arrangements. Asking him and reminding him to do things is probably what you have had to do for longer then you realise and this is what he turns against you saying it is controlling or nagging.

It is neither, it his failure to take responsibility.

Nagging is a term men use when someone has to repeatedly ask or remind them to do something they should have done either the first time or off their own bat. The pattern starts with their own inaction and the impact that has on the other person.