Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

@mummy917

So you're already feeling the indifference towards him? That's wonderful! I feel that it makes us more 'clear eyed' wrt the things they say and do, more able to sort the wheat from the chaff as it were.

My esDH often sends me 'stream of consciousness' texts one after the other, some just rambling, others that are more to get a response so he can argue with me or press a point on why I should move back to the marital home. I don't reply to any of them. To reply invites engagement and I don't have the bandwidth for that.

Just leave him to himself and, as you are doing, only respond to things directly involving the DC. You have soooo got this!!!

Ha yeh mine is usually f.o.c.u.s if your 4 year old doesn’t settle what will you do? All the kids will have to get used to it at some point but I can imagine you would not want her fretting if she is she’s not happy. I hope for your sake she can settle and you can get some time for yourself it’s going to be hard seeing them off. Someone has to be the grown up and that’s you so he’s about to have the biggest shock of his adult life.

Yeah I do feel that indifference towards him and I really didn’t expect to after only 3 months. I don’t want to have full blown conversations with him, there’s no reason to.

I can’t believe the cheek and audacity of these men to think they can just run to you whenever they feel like it.

I think I will turn off the read things on WhatsApp, it might take me a while to figure out how to do it 🤣

It’s under Privacy- read receipts- toggle off

@mummy917
To turn of read ..on WhatsApp

iPhone or Android:

1. Open WhatsApp.
2. Go to Settings.
3. Tap Privacy.
4. Find Read Receipts.
5. Turn the switch Off.

Once it’s off:

• Other people won’t see blue ticks when you read their messages.
• You also won’t be able to see when others have read your messages.
• Read receipts still work in group chats and for some voice-message interactions.

Here's a YouTube about turning on the read receipts.

When my ex would bang on about not having stuff at his house I would always come back with "Why not?"

There would always be an excuse but me constantly asking "Why not?" eventually pissed him off and he bought the stuff to stop having to ask me!

It’s going to mean not letting him manipulate you by bringing kids back early and making up stuff about illness (you may need to go out so he can’t turn up and certainly turn off ‘read’ so he doesn’t know you got a message. Otherwise he will have control). Either way, he needs to parent through the good and bad - and learn he doesn’t control your diary and so on @mummy917 stay strong!

I’ve turned off the read receipts, thank you for all your help!

If I got a message saying they were poorly I’d not be able to ignore that, depending what it was I’d have to check in at the very least.

@mummy917

Yeah I do feel that indifference towards him and I really didn’t expect to after only 3 months.

You know, I'm really not all that surprised. He's been such a big baby/arsehole/twat/entitled bawbag (and that's ALL of those, not a 'take your pick') that he would make even the most passive and 'let me fix that for you' person go "Oh, fuck NO!!! I am not dealing with his shit!!".

If I got a message saying they were poorly I’d not be able to ignore that, depending what it was I’d have to check in at the very least.

Of course you'd have to check and that's only right! You're a smart cookie and you know what needs to be responded to and what action to take. And if he happens to pull the wool over your eyes a time or two 'crying wolf', you'll soon be able to figure out when he's doing that, too.

A friend's exH used to exaggerate minor illnesses and injuries to get her to engage with him and she made many trips to pick up a 'reportedly' very ill or injured child (because, of course, the child 'only wanted her'), only to find they had a simple upset tummy, the start of the 'sniffles', and that terrible injury just needed some antibiotic cream and a band-aid and they weren't crying for her at all. What he wanted was either to pick an argument or complain. Or that he'd had his fill of Disney Dad'ing and wanted to go out drinking and snorting coke. This was in the 'pre-mobile phone pictures' era.

I really hope he’d have more about him than to use the kids in any way.

My eldest has just tried FaceTiming him and got upset when he didn’t answer, I felt so guilty, even though I explained that his dad was probably just in the shower or eating after being at work. I half expected him to ring the kids tonight before bedtime but he’s not done it since Tuesday. I don’t know if I’m maybe expecting too much, but I know I’ll be FaceTiming them tomorrow when they’re at his house before bed.

That’s so sad, your poor son. I’m sorry he’s struggling. I hope his Dad calls him back. Thursday night was often his going out night wasn’t it? Maybe he’s not as broke as he’s making out and he’s gone out?

Maybe this is something you both need to discuss and decide between you how often to expect FaceTimes etc, that way hopefully the children will be less disappointed. FaceTiming once since moving out is hard on the children though and you’d think he’d want to catch up with them.

I haven’t read the whole thread, but wish you well with everything OP. I don’t think anyone thinks you should enforce 50/50, just that he should definitely pay CMS to you in line with his contribution, if he doesn’t have any money, he’ll have to suck up childcare instead and you should insist it’s one or other. Does he have a pension you can mince? Hope so!

Yeah it was usually a Thursday and that was usually when he’d stay at “his mum’s” too as he didn’t have work the following day. I think if he doesn’t ring back by about half 7, then he won’t.

He’s meant to be here first thing in the morning as he’s promised him he would take him to school so I really hope he’d sticks to his word about that.

Yes I definitely think we need to talk about FaceTime and how we go about it going forward.

He does have a pension but I’m in the process of getting a financial consent order so he can’t go after mine and I don’t want any of his.

You are being incredibly graceful with how you are dealing with him, I hope you are bloody proud of yourself.

I hope for your son’s sake he comes first thing to collect them and doesn’t let him down. Did he ever ring back?

Thank you, I’m just trying to do the best I can with the shit in front of me. No he didn’t ring back, I had a feeling he wouldn’t. I’ll just see if he turns up in the morning for our son and hope he keeps to his word.

He’s a shit, at least your children have one decent parent who shows up and has their best interest at heart.

Just thinking, i it would be a really good idea to start moving these convos to a parenting app.... and put down the things you've said here recently so its on record and not just verbal at pick ups. It would also start moving things off the Whats App and keep it more child focused maybe?

ie... Can you let us know which days you will be FT the DC as they keep asking. It would be good to have it at say 7.00 pm on Tuesdays, Thursdays etc.

And then it will either be left unanswered or he will have to reply in some way, either way his reaction will be a good record. Also about

DS is looking forward to seeing you here tomorrow.. (you mentioned x am when last we spoke. ) and then if he doesnt ... DS was so disappointed when you didn't show up. I didn't know what to tell him, I'm sure it was urgent but can you explain to him, its better if it comes from you. etc

I don’t think you should make excuses such as he’s probably in the shower etc. You don’t know what he is doing, he could be busy he could be screening calls from the DC until convenient.
I know your instinct is to protect your DC but it’s not kind in the long run. Just remain neutral. It’s not protecting them to perpetuate an image of an engaged, interested father if the reality is more detached.

i used to make excuses for my ex, “oh he’s not come to parents’ evening as he’s probably working” etc. “Oh his cycling is very important for fitness “ etc. In the end my DD snapped at me and said stop making excuses for him.

Top Tip.....dont tell the kids that "Dad will be taking you to school tomorrow" or similar, so if he doesnt turn up they dont get the disappointment and its a nice suprise for them if he does. Oh and always have a Plan B.

This is very good advice.

I'd struggle to frame his being a flaky bastard getting a dose of reality in a way that doesn't mar the kids' perceptions of him but a "nice surprise" is an excellent way to look at it.

I agree, but in this instance he told his son himself that he would take him to school tomorrow.
Let's see if he remembers...

You are right of course, but I was the mother the children that got let down so I am more aware of how this often plays out. Bias on my part!