Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

it's increasingly difficult to imagine him in big boy trousers
🤣🤣🤣

I too think that he’s so used to you sorting everything out and that’s why he’s told you about the bed.

And I think you’re doing brilliantly at only replying to texts regarding looking after the DC, money or divorce. It’s a bit like training a toddler, you need to ignore the tantrums and the demands for biscuits and reward them with attention when they behave well

I think you’re all absolutely spot on that he has confused “control” with me just having my shit together and trying to make him take some actual adult responsibility for our lives, instead of me carrying the entire load of it.

I do think he wanted or expected me to solve the bed situation but I’ve more than done my bit with their beds at his house. I think this independence he’s created for himself, will be good for him in the long run once he gets his head around things, well, if he does.

Definitely. The phrase “be careful what you wish for” rings very true …

Edited to add: give it 3 months and he will probably want to reconcile

Wonder if eventually he will lose interest in the kids when he realises he doesn’t have the skills to be an adult.

There’s no chance of a reconciliation, far too much has happened and I could never trust him again. I also don’t see him the same way as I did before. He was someone I never thought would hurt me and the side I’ve seen to him over the last 3 months is unbelievable.

It’s eye opening how some men behave. It’s as though they have a ‘keep her sweet’ mode they use for relationships, and when that mode is no longer engaged they are just pure entitled arseholes.

😂😂

I have just read through both of your threads, I have been through this exact situation, it’s bloody hard and very emotionally taxing, you sound like you do have your shit together and a very strong lady! He probably has been blind sited by this because he was probably expecting you to be a wreck and begging him back, which is quite the opposite. With my situation we had been together over 8 years and married for 6 months and there was another woman, we had 3 kids and had planned our future together and it was literally like my husband changed over night was so bizarre. I was so confused, I didn’t understand why, how and what had happened and kept going over in my brain if it was something I had done, while also looking after 3 children under 10 and it being peak covid times! I was a complete mess, couldn’t sleep, eat or even function and kept throwing up where I was so stressed and anxious about everything I got really poorly and my mental health declined rapidly. 6 years later I am so independent and strong and have managed to accomplish things I didn’t think I could back then, getting back to work, doing my math and English etc I am now at a point where i am very wary, relationships I’m just not ready for as I do have trust issues if I am honest and the thought of even getting to the stage where I let someone in my home again (move in) makes me feel sick 😂 I know that sounds unhealthy but because of what I have been through in the past it has completely put me off! My priorities have always been the kids, they have always come first no matter what, it’s alright for these men to just walk away and have the kids when they feel like it and worked around their works and their lives and it boils my blood, my ex and I are on a good level now but he still pisses me off as he has 4 holidays a year with his missus (the woman he cheated on me with) he decided to also move 4 hours away when he has 4 children in this town, because he is self employed he pays bare minimum for the kids and is always claiming he is skint but is always buying new things, going away and has had two new vans since we split 😂 the kids have got to the point where they don’t even want to spend every other weekend with him because of the commute there and back. He also got spiteful and took me to court saying I stopped him seeing the kids when I have never done that, the one time I did was when he was staying with his brother when we split and his brother had Covid and I told him no as I didn’t want it spreading to us, but that was me being controlling, unreasonable, spiteful and the list goes on 🙄 it’s only recently I’ve grown a backbone and won’t tolerate anyone’s bullshit, not from friends or even family as I have been too soft over the last 6 years and have had the piss taken out of me because I was in a vulnerable state. So I take my hat off to you! You are literally an inspiration to every woman going through this situation! You should be fucking proud 💪🏻 your handling it like a true goddess! 👌🏻

Ahhh thank you so much, that’s lovely of you to say 😊

I’m so sorry you went through all of that, especially during covid, I can only imagine how isolated you must’ve felt 😩 it’s so nice to hear how well you’re doing now though and how independent you are! As you said, I bet your ex fully expected you to also be begging him back for months if not years and good on you!

Yes, “controlling” is thrown around a lot it seems, when they aren’t getting their own way and we aren’t dancing to their tune. They also seem unable to take any accountability for the shit that they’ve done! You’ve got to give it to them though, they’ve been bloody clever to hide it for so long!

I was also in the trenches and couldn’t eat for around 2 months and am now on an SSRI. I have my 2nd therapy session on 29th June and am hoping it will at least give me the skills to not tolerate this treatment from anyone again, friend, relationship, family.

It’s amazing that these men “have no money” until it’s something they want and it magically materialises.

You are also an inspiration and are a fine example of strength for yourself and your children xx

You're doing so well, OP, and Twatoo is doing a fine job of giving you a paper trail of his incompetence.

I'd also brace yourself for him trying to sabotage your time without the kids. A friend of mine killed her ex with kindness and condescending to him like a toddler, he hated it 😂"Oh dear, I know you'll come up with a solution" "Oh dear, you'll get there in the end"

The thought has already crossed my mind that the kids will need to come before Sunday afternoon. I would bet that it’ll be my 4 year old daughter not settling.

I'd also brace yourself for him trying to sabotage your time without the kids.

I had wondered about this. A friend of mine has 3 children with her ex, and he will NEVER have all 3 of them at once. Just to ensure my friend never gets child-free time.

I don’t understand why people put up with this? Presumably he gets child free time?

It's not funny at all but you have to laugh OP. You're (ex)husband wanted freedom away from your 'control'. And now freedom looks like not owning the most basic of household implements and being unable to accurately read and order items that match in size... His 'freedom' looks oh so desirable doesn't it. He's really thriving. There We Are Then.

I don't think you should have told him you have plans on Saturday. I bet you he will ruin them in some way. Conversely it is DEEPLY satisfying that he wanted to know what your plans are but sadly he is not your partner anymore, he is just your children's Dad so he is not privy to that anymore..There We Are Then.

Because they just want to make sure their kids are ok. These men have issues, they often hate the mothers more than they care for the kids and they do things like don't bother feeding them or don't change nappies or other things that affect the well-being of the kids. It is difficult for any parent to see that happen to their own child. These men are abusive, it is not "right" but the fault does not lie with the mother for "putting up with it". She is simply making sure that her kids are safe and looked after while someone else is trying to make her life is as difficult as possible.

"simply making sure that her kids are safe and looked after while someone else is trying to make her life is as difficult as possible."

That summarises many of these threads of what people are going through during a split.. and it is so very sad. Why can't the men involved see it themselves?. It's really as though they are blind to what their children need, perhaps because they've left all the boring stuff up to someone else except for the occasional glory bits that entertain them.

In contrast, every post by the OP is about protecting her DC, helping them through this transition. This must be a difficult time for you OP but just wanted to say that I think you are navigating this so well and your children will realise and thank you for it in the future.

Sometimes you don't get a choice. My ExH would turn up and tell me that 'only DD3 wants to come this weekend, the other two are in town and have plans this weekend' and then drive off. It would all be news to me! Cue me breaking plans to drive kids to sleepovers and other activities.

If I had said anything to him, he would have framed it to the children as 'your mum didn't want you with her this weekend'.

If he ever asks why you're not responding to his WA, simply reply 'communication unnecessary, not together'. See if he's bright enough to figure out that acronym.

I’m sorry there are so many shitty fathers out there.

It’s awful that dad’s do this. I don’t know how they live with themselves. Especially to only have some of the kids and not all of them.

I may use the communication unnecessary, not together acronym too hahaha, he will not have a clue 🤣

I wouldn’t, even if he doesn’t get the acronym it’s a bit severe when you absolutely are going to have to communicate about many things and he could say the same back to you when you message him about something. I think the grey rock thing is best for things like this, like the pp said ‘oh dear i’m sure you’ll get that sorted’. Basically acknowledging what he’s said but making clear you’re not getting involved.

I’ve already made it very clear I don’t want to communicate about anything other than the kids and the divorce, yet he hasn’t appeared to listen to that. I don’t think it’d matter what I said or didn’t say to him, he’d do what he wanted to regardless.

I would also change your WhatsApp settings so that he doesn’t k ow if you’ve read a msg or not.
You can do it so the ticks don’t turn blue to indicate you opened/read the msg. It means that you can read it, check if it’s relevant and then reply or just ignore it.

I agree, don't entertain anything that isn't divorce or child-related. I did and it ended up with him often phoning for a chat when the OW was working evenings and he was on his own. He even had the cheek to phone for advice when they hit a rocky patch about a year after he left. That was my wake up call. I was such a doormat.😬