Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

“you knew I had nothing at mine.”

”So did you!”

you must not subsidise him to look after his children, if you must you can say like you have here that he can bring them back to you. If you pay him to care for them, he will be doing 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay you, because you’re paying his costs!!! He has the money, he is not allocating it to his dc because he thinks it’s your job- take the kids back if you must but don’t pay him to take your kids away from you long enough that he doesn’t have to pay you any cms. This would not be you being nice, it would be such a crazy way to shoot yourself repeatedly in both feet.

‘if your finances are none of my business anymore, why do you keep telling me about them! I don’t have money for petrol, I don’t have money for the utilities until I get paid, blah blah blah! I don’t want to know, it’s none of my business!’

You are an inspiration to others. You’ve had an awful few months and although your world has crumbled around you, you are putting your children first and ensuring they maintain a relationship with their father, and you are doing this with grace.
Yes, you are angry and hurt but at the same time that person is your children’s father and you are clearly putting all those feelings to the side to ensure that this whole situation goes as smoothly as it can with minimal disruption to your children and ensure they are happy in both their homes. It’s not always going to be easy but I think your are doing a grand job and should be really proud of yourself.

You know, I'm getting a clear sense that what he now calls you 'controlling' him, is actually just a married lifetime of you sorting his shit out for him.

Excellent point. So if he ever brings up being skint again you can just say that's none of my business, remember?

How much is his gym membership? That'll buy some food and fuel
Priorities, eh?

Hi op I hope your twatoo gets the kids as discussed and you get your personal time it’s not going to be easy but remember it’s not your fault he chose this set up you just have to be there for the kids and good on you for asking for his share of the bills. It’s best you don’t help him with sorting out his stuff he will throw it back in your face when he says I didn’t realise I would need so much stuff for the kids just say oh well we live and learn. Then smirk. 😏

His parents will have spare crockery that has accumulated over the years, I saw a complete dinner service for £10 in a charity shop today, but then why should you help him with practical suggestions..

I think you meant oh well we live and learn "There We Are Then" 😁

Don't send "good stuff" you may never see it again. initially I sent clothes then realised they were coming back in naff stuff and none of my stuff made it home " kids for got to lift the bag" impressive that a baby or 4 year old would be expected to remember

I will only be sending the things I mentioned and it won’t be their “good” clothes, it’ll be the stuff I put them in for nursery and for my eldest, he can choose what he takes. I have no intention of helping him with crockery and cutlery, I don’t know why he didn’t foresee he’d be in this position.

His gym membership is £30 a month so yes, definitely could’ve spent that on food or other essentials. If what he’s saying about petrol is true, he won’t have the petrol for the gym as it’s only a 2 minute drive from my house and he can’t possibly make it over this way another time 🙄

The bed frames he has for the kids, 3 were given to him and he bought the other. There was a message from him when I’ve woken up to settle my youngest daughter and he’s built the bed frame and didn’t realise he’d ordered a toddler bed, he’d meant to order a single…all the mattresses are singles 🤦‍♀️ I just have no words for him.

There We Are Then 🤣

Literally could not make this up ... 🤦‍♀️

Can you imagine how completely screwed he would have been trying to live alone for the last 20 years...

There was a message from him when I’ve woken up to settle my youngest daughter and he’s built the bed frame and didn’t realise he’d ordered a toddler bed, he’d meant to order a single…all the mattresses are singles

Why is he telling you this? Agree with previous PP that he certainly shares a lot of info for a man determined to distance himself. It's starting to sound like "Waaah waaah, it's not all going to plan and it can't be my fault! Somebody make it right!" (but not you OP, too controlling. Unless it's to donate time and money).

Does he wear shorts a lot, because it's increasingly difficult to imagine him in big boy trousers?! And did he by any chance move straight from mummy's house to live with you? He doesn't seem capable of even basic life skills. All those years of things running smoothly and he seems to have no idea that it was all down to you.

If there is an OW, I imagine she's already finding him less endearing by the day.

I have no idea why he’s telling me, the message read like he was trying to make conversation but I’m honestly not interested in having a conversation with him about anything other than practicalities for the kids.

He actually only wears shorts aside from when he’s at work and yes straight from his mum’s house to ours 🤣

I didn’t even bother to reply to the message about the bed, although he’ll know I’ve read it as it was on WhatsApp.

I do wonder how any potential other woman will fare with him now that this is his reality.

His reality isn't looking quite as he imagined it all those weeks ago. Despite the inevitable wobbles you are going from strength to strength, exactly as so many posters predicted. Proud of you, and sending support and hug!

I'd completely ignore what may be his way of crying for hel... I mean, control, or at the very least, trying to elicit sympathy. He's a selfish ass so he could be that clumsy in his manipulations.

Whatever his intentions, I wouldn't reply to anything but the issue at hand (kids/divorce practicalities as you said). Might just drive him nuts as a bonus but I'm being petty.

The more I’m seeing, the less convinced I am there is another woman (there may still be). I think it’s more that he’s reverted to being 14 years old again and decided it’ll be more fun to live without his pesky parent laying down rules and responsibilities (like doing his homework) and unlike a 14 year old he has (marginally) more money (or at least the illusion of more money) and could make that responsibility free dream a reality. He’s now realising his mates aren’t interested in leaving their parents and he’s stuck out in the big bad world with no real idea how to adult and no support.

It’s very telling that he is turning to you with every little problem and issue. I’ve got second hand embarrassment for him. But at the same time find it hilarious that he prioritised a tattoo session over being able to buy cutlery and plates.

Expect A LOT of texts and phone calls on Friday and Saturday. In fact you might want to warn him that as you have plans Friday and Saturday nights (Do not tell him what) that you’ll only be available in an emergency. What ever you do, do not tell him when you’ve got home, it will drive him nuts 😂.

No I won’t be replying to anything unless it’s the things I said. I’ve genuinely got nothing to say to him. I feel indifferent towards him now and I didn’t think that feeling would come for a good while yet.

Yeah, I have never really gotten the feeling there’s someone else involved. I mean I could be wrong, but it’s never been my gut feeling. I agree that I think he’s wanting a carefree, single life without someone “nagging” him or “trying to control him”.

He hasn’t mentioned his friends at all and I do wonder what they really think of him up and leaving his family. They’ve not helped him with the move or anything.

I’ve already told him I am busy all of Saturday and when he asked where I was going I just said “out”. He didn’t seem pleased but it is no longer anything to do with him what I do, especially when it’s in my own time.

@mummy917 you are amazing. Sounds like reality is already biting for him…..ah well 😂😂😂

There We Are Then 🤣

I mean how dare you not be sitting at home on a Saturday night in case he needs you….. how very dare you! He should be pleased that as the mother of his children, him spending time with them means you get time to relax, decompress and have fun. It means you’ll be on top form next week when you are looking after the children again.

It's just dawned on me that he actually went ahead and BUILT the bedframe - ie he didn't realise it was too small when he got the pieces out of the box!
Plus, that was the only one HE ordered, the rest were given to him.
So the one frame he had to buy, he screwed up... doh.

I think he's telling you because he's used to you sorting out everything to do with the kids.
Also, he can't afford to buy another bedframe, maybe he's hoping you will?

If he's actually hoping for sympathy and a conversation - well, There We Are Then.

This isn’t going the way he planned is it? He thought he’d be so much better off without you and your “controlling” ways, so he nuked his life.
What he is rapidly discovering is that “control” is actually the organisation and planning required to manage a home and 4 children and a life?
And, even more worryingly for him, you op are just….cracking on, managing everything as usual but now also being “busy” and “out” and unavailable to him. He is not going to be happy about any of it and watch out for him somehow twisting that to be your fault! He is going to have to undertake some massive mental gymnastics to keep convincing himself all this was a good idea?!!!

2 things strike me.

One, he wants you to solve the mattress problem. Nope.

Two, he may try and ruin your Saturday plans by having an 'emergency' meaning he can't have the children anymore, or phone you to say that they are crying for you. Or something like that. Be prepared!