Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

He will have to figure out nappies though, as many people have said, it’s easy enough to pick a pack up from a shop.

He'll have no money to do that 🙄

I wouldn’t offer to collect them on Monday for school / nursery as he will expect it all the time , don’t set any precedents .

I know you've got lot to think about at the moment but...

Facetime can be useful and may help the children adapt.

It can also be intrusive.(having him pop up in your home)

It can be unsettling for the children.

He could try to use it as an alternative to actually having the children.

Could be worth setting some boundaries around this.

This whole exercise should be to keep the welfare of the children at it's centre. OP is sending clean clothes, sun cream, hats etc. Children home to her on Sunday to "come down" from their first weekend with their Dad at his new house, new beds, new routines etc. I can't imagine how young children would cope with all these big changes and expect normalcy going into school on Monday morning straight from Dads.

OP is quite rightly looking at / after the children rather than trying to score points against the ExH. It's not about making his life easier, it's about keeping the children the focus.

ExH has a couple of weeks before school holidays to get his act together. OP has her solicitor contacting her re the 50/50 this week.

OP, any kick-back from ExH maybe remind him, this is what single life is when you have children. It's no longer your job to sort stuff for him.

Also, I'd suggest checking your Credit Report and getting him off anything, joint bank cards, credit cards, anything that links you. This "skint" comment doesn't bode well and you don't want to be tied to any financial decisions he makes! Experian etc.

Very much agree with doing a credit check on yourself.

I had similar with my son's dad when we split up, and I used to send absolutely everything with my son because I knew he didn't/wouldn't have it at his! He also used to regularly say he couldn't afford food (I know, I know), so I would give him money or food.

After a while, I just started saying 'oh no, that's a shame, don't worry, I'll keep DS all of this week and let's see how you're doing next week'. When faced with not actually seeing our son, he suddenly found money for food!

I think you're doing the right thing sending them with basics this time, and expecting him to step up going forward.

My guess is he doesn't want to keep them on Sunday night so getting out of it this way

He said he couldn’t take them to school or nursery until payday as he’s skint and I got the impression he was hinting at me offering him money, which I didn’t do

"You've made it clear you don't want me to interfere in how you do things, so it's up to you to sort out"

I'm sure there are lots of situations you'll be using that phrase....

I know people will think I’m too soft, but honestly if he’d said he couldn’t afford food till next week, then I’d buy him a food shop. I’d want to make sure the kids were provided for when he has them and they need to get used to seeing their dad in his new house, where I won’t be, so the benefits of doing it would outweigh the negatives. It’s the same principle with the clothes, suncream, hats etc. I would still speak to him about sorting his shit out for him having them going forward and if he continued to do stuff like that, then I’d do the same and say they would just need to stay with me if he repeatedly couldn’t provide for them.

Ah op we are all just much more jaded than you . You're new to this situation. What you have to understand is he's choosing to let his children down,,he would have all these things he needs for his children and facilitate them if he hadn't been selfish and got a tattoo . You're enabling him by doing his job and please do t take this hurtfully but you are talking control of his responsibilities,I fully understand you're reasoning but it can't go on your being abused and taking away funds for yourself and your family life with the kids . He's called you controlling to silence you anytime you suggest he takes his priorities seriously like earlier on when you mentioned his tattoo money being better spent elsewhere. Your are doing yourself and your children a disservice by enabling him . You are showing your daughter what is a acceptable remember that .

You keep saying I can let this happen to the children .It's not yo hurt job or responsibility to provide or facilitate his care of them kids . It's his !!!! And if he fails that's on him . Your job then is to be their to soother your children and be their rock .their safety and their provider . He's irrelevant.

I don’t think your soft your doing your best in a shitty situation which was not your decision. So i think your doing an absolutely amazing job it’s more than obvious what a great mum you are putting and thinking of your kids first. Hopefully when you look back in six months time you will be in a better place and i guarantee a much happier place without that awful man-child you were married too. So good on you - you go girl you have got this & the support of all the mums on here. Sending a big hug

@mummy917 I can understand why you'd do a food shop in that situation, but given that he seems to prioritize new tattoos over essentials, you may end up doing it a lott!

He's 41, he can manage his money if he tries.

Please just let him fail OP, put yourself in his shoes and imagine to what extent he would support you - then match that energy. I appreciate that you want to look after your kids but if you cover up his failings that will not help them understand who you both are in the long run. And you may make it possible for him to say he’s 50:50 or close to it while you are actually doing the heavy lifting….

I know what you are all saying and I get it, I’d most probably be saying the same thing if this was happening to someone else.

I’m doing my best to navigate my way through this the best I can and I don’t doubt I’ll learn how to deal with things over time. I’ll hopefully also get a thicker skin too as time goes on 🤞

You are doing brilliantly x

Realistically this is the first weekend visit. I suppose there’s a slim chance you will settle into a stable pattern of EOW. However, realistically, based on my and my friends’ experiences and many threads on here what will happen is either :
• Some woman will eventually be drafted in to help the poor lamb cope, likely the paternal grandma or eventually a gf. Or
• The visits will dwindle either because of logistics or your ex having things he wants to do. After a few visits there’ll be hurdles such as children’s activities, sports, or birthday parties at risk of being missed, or some or all DC will refuse to go, or there will be a pattern of arrangements being changed on short notice, or a row over divorce money being used as an excuse not to honour weekend commitments.

Enjoy your initial weekends OP as statistically they will likely dwindle. 💐

He’s going to be relying heavily on his mum for support with the kids for now around his job I think. I am still half expecting a woman to appear as if by magic within the next month or two also.

Yes I’m expecting that there’s going to be times where he doesn’t stick to what he’s asked for, for whatever reason so this weekend I am going to definitely make the most of it!

Good! So let her do the clothes or food shopping for him if he 'cries poverty' at some point in the future. Let her carry the load that you're working so hard to drop. And you're doing quite well at dropping it, if I may say so. You're finding your own support system, let him do the same.

I'm sure you're right, there will be a woman in the not too distant future. Maybe she's already waiting in the wings, maybe not and he'll have to put in some effort to find her. I pity her, whoever she is.

Yes, enjoy the weekend. I think you've needed some time for yourself and you'll be all the better for it.

He chose to spend £400 on a tattoo rather than beds / household goods to help his four children settle into his new home , that alone shows you exactly who his. It beggars belief that he is now complaining he is skint.

Hi @mummy917

If you do decide to do a foodshop for him, please make sure you put it in writing that you have had to do it. Add the cost to what he owes you for the utilities and mattresses.

And I wouldn't be able to resist saying what a pity he spent £400 on a tattoo earlier this month, meaning he can't now afford food or petrol.
But then I'm a big fan of petty ...

I am still half expecting a woman to appear as if by magic within the next month or two also.

Whilst it certainly seems that his visits to his mother are thinly veiled cover for an OW, I’m not sure how many women would want a full relationship with a man with four children!

You’re all absolutely right about the spending £400 on a tattoo instead of more important things.

He has already told me he has food in for them, however no plates or cutlery which I have just been told by him about 20 minutes ago 🤦‍♀️ paper plates will probably be the solution I’d imagine, or he’ll borrow some proper plates etc from his mum.

I think he’d portray himself as dad of the year to a woman and they may find it endearing he cares so much about his 4 children 🙄

🤦‍♀️ what a complete knob he is!!!

Why on earth has he told you about his lack of plates and cutlery? Did he say he’s expecting you to magically whip some up?

Considering you are so controlling he does like over sharing with you what he has and hasn’t got at his house yet 😂.