Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

I’d keep a running total of who’s paying what going forward, and if he hasn’t paid for it include the divorce fee in there, to go 50/50.

I hope he's taken the broken wardrobe and not left it for you to get rid of.

Top tip on the locks @mummy917most locks are incredibly easy to change - YouTube is your friend. You just need to order the exact same lock as what was in there before. ChatGPT would help you identify the lock if not a pvc door. Just buy the same one and swap them out. You are likely to be able to DIY it for a tenner and just give your landlord a copy. It will be a lot cheaper than a locksmith.

I think you're perfectly within your rights to change locks, surely?
He shouldn't be allowed to enter her house as and when he pleases.... otherwise that would mean that she should also be legally allowed to get access to his new property and of course that would be ridiculous.

And me!

Yes I did this! Let him see what he is losing!
I remember one day changing tactics. I stopped crying and begging for him to stay, put on makeup, nice clothes, nice hair and acted like I didn't care, did the whole bright and breezy thing and literally within a couple of hours he was crying at my feet with frustration as he realised he wasn't sure if he should really leave me for the OW...(not that I knew he had an OW at this point). Thank God he did leave though (despite me being devastated initially). I'd bought in to the narrative that everything was my fault. I'd bought in to his narrative that if only I wasn't so depressed and anxious I would be worthy enough for him to stay. Ha! I didn't realise when I was in the throes of that relationship that my anxiety and depression were 99% due to his emotionally abusive treatment of me! My self esteem and confidence sky rocketed as soon as got out of that relationship and I got some distance from him....as I was finally left in peace in order to gain as some perspective and process everything. I honestly felt like I'd escaped a prison.... but I'd been too institutionalised to want to leave. Who knew? It was a revelation. I hadn't heard of narcissistic abuse at this point..this was over 20yrs ago....I was just trying to work out (for myself) what the hell had happened to me over the previous 12 years!
Because of my increased confidence and peace, and no longer being downtrodden, all of a sudden I was being noticed again and getting lots of offers for dates. As much as I was still heartbroken (not for the loss of him, but the loss of who I thought he was and what could have been and for the loss of all those years) it turned out to be an amazing and very healing time. I went on lots of frivolous dates, nothing serious....but enjoyed all the attention....then spent a long time time on my own building myself up again before I met lovely DH. Funnily enough the ex rang me about 8 months after he broke up with me begging for us to meet saying the grass wasn't greener. His new gf had just given birth to his baby and he was obviously feeling second in her attentions whilst she was caring for their little one. What a pig! But by then I'd moved on and had worked out who he was. I said, it's too late, what would be the point?...and how could he do that to his new partner? It was SO satisfying to have the last laugh! To this day his gf (now his wife) has no idea he rang me.....I figured the best revenge was to let her have him. Good riddance to bad rubbish!

I apologise for this long (self indulgent post)! ...but I hope that you will gain some hope that there are so many good things coming your way once you can get this negative force in the shape of your ex out of your life. The least contact the better.

Good luck op. If I could've joined you staring down your ex while he was packing up his stuff I would! We are all with you in spirit x

I relate to everything you've said here.
Yes. I also felt like a terrible person.
Interestingly I also have never had such a intense relationship with anyone else, ever. It was either pure heaven or hell....sadly as time went on, it descended in to hell more often :(

The only saving grace is that he didn't criticise me for weight because he was much bigger than me! Ha! Although funnily enough by the time we were splitting up (and his abuse of me ramped up) he did call me fat which was shocking as up until that point he was at least always complimentary about my looks....it turns out his new gf was v v skinny so no wonder I seemed fat in comparison 🙄

Yes, isn't it strange they can't take responsibility? I twisted myself in knots trying to change myself to make him happy, more fool me. I honestly felt, by the end, that is was all my fault. It was a revelation to find out that it wasn't - and not only was it not 50/50 but probably 95% his fault! Who knew?! I even asked him...after we'd split.. why he allowed me to think everything was my fault. He couldn't/wouldn't answer me...yep, fragile ego!

I didn’t get rid of the wardrobe, he had to take it to the tip 🤣 but I watched as he loaded all of the broken bits into the van.

I’m so sorry you went through that @EvieBBand glad you found the happiness you deserve with your now husband 😊

We all had a lovely night’s sleep and a calm, slow morning before we are off to watch my eldest play cricket. Haven’t heard anything about Father’s Day up to now but I’m not surprised. I woke up to a text off him at just before midnight asking me what I was doing, I’ve not bothered to reply.

I woke up to a text off him at just before midnight asking me what I was doing, I’ve not bothered to reply.

Ah, so he obviously wasn’t out on the town or with his “mother” then??? Well done for not replying.

The change in your posting style from your first thread to your last post is HUGE. You've gone through the wringer since you started this journey but my goodness you have a spine of steel. Whatever happens in the future you can be proud of how strong you've been over this - I know that all of us, including the lurkers, are proud of you too. I think once he's been gone a few weeks you will realise just how much he crushed and diminished you over the years and you and the children will blossom

I can't believe he's asking what your plans are for Father's day considering he told you he would be too busy to see the children. What a Grade A twat. Keep grey rocking.

I woke up to a text off him at just before midnight asking me what I was doing

What you were doing last night, or for Fathers' Day?

Either way, enjoy ignoring him.

He's literally just walked out on his kids so if he's expecting a "best dad ever" mug he'll have to buy it himself!

This!

Surely he can't expect you to facilitate father's day, this year of all years?

And if it's not that then absolutely none of his business what you're doing. No response is spot on.

You've got to get into the mindset that he's not your ' friend ' anymore.
Him sending that text is weird . He has left you and the kids . He is of course still their father and has every right to ask about them , but you ? , nope that ship has sailed .
Don't reply to it , plus any ' How do I ' ......... when it's about cooking , cleaning , life admins etc .

Hopefully he’ll take on the suggestion of using a Court approved app soon. In the meantime I would change the message notifications in your phone so that he doesn’t know if you’ve read his texts or not then change the settings on your SM so that him and his miserable mother aren’t blocked but just won’t be able to see any of your future posts.

And I hope you all have a lovely time at the Cricket

Dear God he couldn’t even wait until midnight - WYD?
And he was almost having a party when OP was in tears two days ago.
They honestly have no shame these men do they?
And in a few days he will send OP a list of all the things she ‘needs’ to do and then he may ‘consider’ coming home, if she’s lucky.
So predictable it hurts.

@Jennalong
i think ignoring the ‘how do I…’ is the best but if OP did want to reply, it could be:

Ask your mum
Google is your friend

He really is unbelievable.

Here’s to finding your peace, OP!

As a landlord, I'd not be happy with a tenant changing the locks themselves. I'd get a locksmith because it's a new tenancy.

Following your thread and wishing you well.

Wishing you luck OP you will be so much happier without him what a horrible man!

I woke up to a text off him at just before midnight asking me what I was doing, I’ve not bothered to reply

He probably hoped that you’d text back that you were missing him , what a knob . Hope you have a lovely day with your children

I think you’re right. He probably wanted the OP to be begging him to come back.

Yup. Also controlling… he wants to keep tabs on her even though he’s moved out. Completely ignore.

The Lying, The Gym and The Wardrobe by Petula Gordeno

It started off with heartbreak and shock but now I’m two threads on,
The sub is out, the cricket is glorious, I am where I belong in the sun,
The children will thrive, I’m their Alexa, they can bring their questions to me,
A house so dipped in sadness will be filled with peace and glee.

You see what you’ve chosen isn’t quite what you ordered from life’s menu,
Live out of bags, and your tired old fridge, forget a meal for two,
Of course you could always gym it, or visit your mum, or have a love-in with your friends,
But today they are with their families, and my happiness starts as your madness ends.

You see that wardrobe which shattered became a symbol of all that you’ve become,
A bolter, a liar, a seller of secrets a part time dad to this full time mum,
Your texts will remain unread, the locks will change, as we start this life anew,
Happy Father’s Day, or then again maybe not, your life is just not cricket, Twatoo.

I am having a coffee in my garden raising a toast to OP, her kids, her loved ones and everyone across her threads who could not be happier for her.

I’m glad you ignored his text. It’s not his business, as your ex, to know what you’re up to today. Why does he not get this? Anyway…parenting app for all comms going forward .

apologies for the typo it won’t let me edit!