Husband said he wants to split up and I’ve been totally blindsided - part 2

[mummy917]

Made a new thread as the original one is almost full 😊rel

I hope everyone feels more settled tonight.

That late night text is laughable. He couldn't wait to get away from you and your "controlling" ways but then checks in shy of midnight on his first night alone? His ridiculous attempts to reframe you asking him to spend time with family will come back to bite him in the end.

Hope your solicitor gets on it. Remember to move any conversations now to a parenting app or email because he'll manipulate and misrepresent anything he can.

OP - you have held you nerve, and done things in a fair-minded, strong way.

Your future bodes well.

Good luck with it all.

OP I am so so glad he has finally moved out, and you had a nice first evening of peace.

Texts from him like the one last night - he is NOT your friend. Only reply to texts about the kids. Factual text replies eg about contact, illnesses, etc. Nothing more. Any other chatter from him just ignore, even if he's trying to rile you into defending yourself, just grey rock/ignore.

Despite my ex apparently being oh so miserable living with me he still seemed to think I'd entertain chit chat via text with him. No fucking way. He is no longer any of my concern other than in terms of trying to get him to coparent (mine does ONE night a week now we are several years post split btw, and it's never on a weekend night).

Get a parenting app downloaded, offer whatever you think would be best for the kids and keep all messages focused on what is best for their well being eg a set routine. He will quickly do less and less. Don't overly react.

Also - if you ever have plans when the kids are with him, don't tell him or the kids. Or he WILL cancel. Guess how I know. 🙄 Finding a good babysitter will be of way more use to you OP than he will be.

Absolutely love the poem Petula.

Thanks!

You are absolutely incredible. Well done.
I really strongly suggest practicing some breath work. I like Rebecca Denis on YouTube or Spotify it really really helps you get through the wobbles I also really recommend going on to eorher if these sites amd searching some hypnotherapy too, for calm confidence self esteem and listen regularly this will keep you feeling strong and in control ♥️

What were you doing?? At midnight?? None of his fucking business.

go you @mummy917 💪💪💪

The poem was brilliant @PetulaGordenothoroughly enjoyed reading it! 😊

Have only just gotten round to reading all your messages and I appreciate every one!

I had to read it twice and make sure I’d seen his name right on my phone 🤔

We’ve had a lovely day today and the house has been so much calmer, I’ve gotten on top of my housework, washing done and put away in the same day. I mean, I’m not saying that level of organisation will continue consistently but it’s a good start I feel like.

We had a lovely time at the cricket and have spent time with my dad too for Father’s Day.

I can’t help but think that because I’ve felt “okay-ish” for a while now, that I’m expecting to crash at some point and be an absolute wreck again.

I hope everyone has enjoyed celebrating Father’s Day in whatever way you have and if you haven’t, then I hope you’ve all had a lovely Sunday xx

Well done @mummy917 for getting through the weekend!
have you agreed a custody schedule with him when it comes to the kids going forward? X

OP you are the best example of a survivor I have read about for a while on here. Once he realises you are not responding to his usual critical unkind remarks about you and not begging him to return he may try to talk you round but I know you will not fall for that one because it will be a trick. You have the best deal ... your children are with you. Have a lovely week.

Thank you! And we had agreed to a schedule but he’s now backtracked on that and said he doesn’t agree anymore as he wants every other Friday to himself when it’s his weekend without the kids, so he can “have a day off and a full weekend to himself” 🥴. I emailed my solicitor on Thursday and made him aware of the same and to ask how we begin mediation. It was another thing my husband said to me on Friday, that I wouldn’t agree to his proposed schedule because I was being “awkward.” I wasn’t, I just felt as though mine was less complicated to work around both his and my shift patterns and I tried explaining that to him at the time, but he obviously didn’t hear what I was saying, only what he chose to believe as usual.

I just feel that aside from the kids, I have no reason to speak to him so I won’t be.

I said a while back that if he ever says he’s “suddenly realised” what he’s done/lost (not that I think he will, he couldn’t wait to leave), that it won’t make any difference. If he didn’t realise for the last 13 years what a loving wife and family he had, while he had it, then it will mean absolutely nothing for it to all of a sudden dawn on him.

@mummy917 you are dealing with all of this so well , obviously you will have wobbles and down days but they are much more likely to be around missing your children than anything to do with him . Do you have family support for caring for the children when you go back to work when he inevitably says he can only have them EOW ?

You are doing so well ☺️. I can’t believe he had the cheek to send a text at nearly midnight to ask what you are up to.

Has he tried to make contact today or attempted to see the children as it’s Fathers Day?

I feel as though the reality of this is starting to hit home a bit more, even just in the last hour or so but I did kind of expect that. And when I really sit and think about it, it’s the old him I miss and having around, not the person he’s shown himself as over the last 3 months or what he’s put me and the kids through.

Yeah he asked to come and see them around midday and said he could take them to the park for a few hours, so I managed to get some bits done at home and had a shower. My eldest was excited to give him his Father’s Day presents and the kids seemed to have enjoyed it, although they were only out around an hour.

You are going to feel like you are on an emotional rollercoaster for a while, it’s natural, but you are doing so well. You come across as such a strong, loving Mummy to your children.

Hopefully you can keep contact with him a minimum and I hope he didn’t make any more hurtful comments to you today.

They will always be my priority and I know some will think I’m too soft giving him the Father’s Day presents etc but I did what I thought was right for the kids 😊

I will be keeping contact to a minimum, I want to do whatever I can to get the kids and me into our new normal.

The wobbles won’t be around missing him, or the version of him he has shown over the last 3 months, but it’ll be around the life I thought we had as a family and the person I thought he was.

My parents will help where they can but I’ve already made work aware that I’ll need to put in a flexible working request so I can still continue to be around if/when anything goes tits up on his end.

Have been thinking of you this weekend and so pleased to hear that you have coped so well. It was always going to be hard watching him pack and leave - grief for the life you could have had.

I think it's really interesting that he texted you - I hope you didn't reply to the message!

You will be up and down for the next little while, it's only natural. First few days without the kids will be odd but it doesn't sound like hes going to be pushing that one for a while. Self care is your friend here, doing something for you. I would go for a long walk, have a nice long bath and then my favourite food when my kids started going off to their dad's. Actually miss it now

OP, in one year’s time (if not sooner) you will feel sooooo much different to how you feel today, even though that may be hard to imagine now.

I felt so completely broken when my first marriage went wrong, recovery was unthinkable. But now it just feels like a piece of history and I am happily re-married.

One day at a time.

He wants every other Friday to himself??

These men 🙄 You can't pick and choose when to be a parent. Selfish wee runt.

@mummy917 took my ex 18 months and one of my twins being seriously ill in hospital for him to finally say he regretted it …. I just replied “good” and went back to the hospital. I know I was the best thing to have ever happened to him. Shame it took him 17 years to figure it out

will your custody schedule be 50/50? How has your older 2 coped? My eldest flat out refuses to see their dad. They seemed ok for the first year and then her anger really started to show - she’s in a good place now though but mainly because I’m perfectly clear to her (and him) that there is no pressure for her to see him. I won’t frustrate their relationship but I won’t go out of my way to facilitate it either.

No I didn’t reply, I was fast asleep but wouldn’t have even if I’d been awake. I have nothing to say to him as harsh as that may as sound.

Yeah I am expecting to be up and down for a while. He has briefly mentioned having the kids next weekend once the 4th bed frame and fridge are delivered (however he told me they’d both be there by Wednesday), but I won’t ever force or push him to have the kids. It should be something he naturally wants to do, not forced into.

I know it’ll be strange when they do eventually go there but I’m trying to see it as an opportunity to have some time to myself or to catch up with friends etc.

I hope I do feel so different this time next year and I’d love to think that we will be divorced, and if not, very very close to it being finalised!

I’m so glad you are happily remarried now and it’s reassuring to hear how you view that time in your life now that time has passed 😊

Yes he wants every other Friday to himself and tried to justify it by saying that there’d be times when I have a day off from work when I don’t have the kids. Yes, that is true that there’ll be a day here and there where my shifts will fall that way, but that’s never been a motivation for the schedule I came up with. My main focus has always been around a schedule where I can see the kids as much as possible and work mainly when he has them on his part of the 50/50.

That is awful and I don’t know how these men can ever live with themselves 😩 it’s appalling that something as serious as one of your twins being extremely poorly is what made him realise too! Why don’t they ever know and appreciate what they have at the time and cherish it, rather than blowing up theirs and their families lives but then “realise” down the line? Boils my blood 🤬

I’m glad you’re in a better place now and the same for your daughter too. I’m not sure what he would expect from your daughter as it’s clear you’re the one who’s been there for your children all throughout, while he’s been absent.