I think I have to leave my husband

[PlaidJane]

I have had a nice little life the past few years with my DH, we get on well he’s a nice guy generally and we have an enjoyable time together. He’s quite insecure in his looks and not overly confident so I do feel I fall into the pattern of being a bit motherly, you know giving him reassurance. He says a lot of the time that I’m out of his league. This isn’t wildly attractive I’m sure some people would agree and I can find it annoying as I am not that shallow, I want someone who makes me feel loved and is nice that’s all.

I’d say the issue in our relationship up until now is that I feel like I am putting on a perfect persona all the time as he finds it hard to cope with me in any other raw format version. He gets defensive and upset if I have any Big Feelings - even if they aren’t related to him at all. Therefore I don’t share many big or small feelings with him. Hence the plodding along.

Over time I recognise I feel friendly affection for him with our lives tied together in a house and joint assets etc and I wasn’t going to disrupt anything.

I am a people pleaser and I find it so hard to let people down or put myself first.

I have been working on a short term project with another man for some months now which has ended. During this time we got along great, but I didn’t think anything much of it as I knew the project would end and mostly thought just this guy is a nice guy.

I don’t think we spoke emotionally or overshared our personal lives more than normal colleagues, we worked well as a team and had good fun in the process. As the project came to an end and we said goodbye, we both simultaneously appeared to realise we had formed some kind of feelings for each other.

I assume this is what happens to movie stars on film sets or strictly shows, when you spend a lot of time with someone in close proximity. So I’m not sure it’s real at all. I got worried I was in limerance so was working on detachment

We have had one honest in person conversation about this where we shared exactly identical experiences and thoughts about each other - it’s so weird and uncanny. I feel like we just wanted to check we were not going mad and deluded in our own minds? These moments in our minds were totally identical realisations or memories, matched each other in sync. This has never happened to me before. We both admitted we had grown attracted to each other physically but more than that, we liked each others personalities and couldn’t stop thinking about the other. It’s affecting both our sleep and appetites. We have agreed we need to detach because it’s very dangerous

Running off together is ridiculous, this isn’t some big romantic movie, also this is an awful thing to do to my husband. I’d rather be single right now and have none of this hassle I just want to run away from everything and everyone

I think I’m having a midlife crisis of some kind and I have to leave my DH but I don’t know where to even begin to detangle our complex finances. We don’t have any savings and a huge mortgage and the market is terrible right now for selling. I also feel sick at the thought of telling him I’m not romantically in love with him as it would break his heart.

Used car salesman: This car is fcuk'd up on many fronts - the previous owner didn't look after it, thrashed the engine, smacked up the body work... I think you should buy it.

On the one hand he's telling you he has all these things wrong with him... yet he's telling you to pick him - why would you?

I still think you are far far far too interested in reasoning him out. He's still trying to coerce you into continuing because you have not hit him with the brick of truth yet - FGS just tell him it's over, the conversation is over and you're not interested in anything he has to say or do regarding his own problems (which frankly I'm dubious about - I just think he is very badly behaved, selfish and controlling - I speculate he treated his mother like a doormat and that she enabled that - I had a friend like this) If you can only say this with someone else present then that's the only reason for both of you and one other person to be in a room together discussion anything IMHO.

I hope you're not counting on the "therapy" session to talk some sense into him, OP. He's not going to get it, even if an external adjudicator plays umpire.

I think all the therapy session will do will give you the peace of mind to know you tried everything.

Abusers want us desperately trying to prove our goodness, decency, fairness, honesty etc…. They trap us on the merry go round.

Maybe the therapy session isn’t to help him realise it is over. It is to help you realise that nothing you (or anyone) can do or say will make him stop blaming you. And that you need to stop worrying about what he thinks, and choose to just focus on you and getting away safely.

I don’t know what the therapists plan is. Hopefully they can help. But you need to be clear about the fact that his refusal to accept it is over, doesn’t mean you need to help him accept that. Or to justify why you are leaving him any more than you already have.

You don’t have to prove your right to feel how you feel or make the choices you have made. Your feelings are valid and so are your choices.

The session was pretty difficult. He got frustrated whenever she gave us the chance to say anything and she had to tell him to stop talking over me and raising his voice. He kept justifying this as acceptable because it’s difficult to hear. She made it clear there would be months of work involved if this was something we both wanted to do but she was also able to help us through this individually and we needed to think about what is right for us.

I explained that we would need to become our real authentic selves, and our real selves do not seem to be compatible. I said I wanted us both to be happy and we do not make each other happy.

He really did think this was just a case of simple miscommunication issues, on the other hand he admitted in the session he has a fear of abandonment so he’s never fully trusted me this whole time and had one foot out, on alert looking for signs I’m going to leave him and picking holes in me.

She said how do you think this will have made PlaidJane feel to hear this and it sounds like she has been working very hard constantly to prove that she’s a trusted person and she has expressed she feels burnt out. She asked for space etc

We came to an agreement after the session that this wasn’t going to work and we would both be happier apart. We agreed to be amicable and try to untangle our lives. He left the house was gone for hours so I fell asleep.

I got up this morning to go to the gym and he started a new confrontation with me about what we had discussed and agreed the night before, and that I was leaving him hanging ?!?? so I missed my class. I just said nothing I do is ever going to be enough for him, even if I meet one need or expectation, he comes up with 10 more challenges and hurdles and issues and I can’t do this anymore. I said he over thinks everything I say and sees things that aren’t there and I am just constantly twisting myself into knots trying to explain myself.

He has gone to work now feeling very pitiful and stressed because I always have plans on a Thursday evening and he is all resentful I still want to go do them. I offered to stay away and find somewhere to go and he said no it’s my house too.

Get 3 estate agents in and get estimates of how much the house should go on the market for, then put it up for sale.

Because he looks at everything through his lens of his ex wife experience, he has been instinctively/subconsciously labelling me as her; forgetting I am my own person. He reacts to situations or bottles everything up as if he’s still in his marriage to her and not in our marriage which is why I feel so lost and unseen. So if something needs to be said he’s already made his mind up it cannot be said because in the past the consequences (with her) have been unpleasant and traumatising. Then he bottled it up until it exploded out and I would be hurt by the explosion as I had been trying so hard to connect with him and try to make things better

My GOD, this is my situation to a tee.

I've started pulling away emotionally. "Closing my heart" so to speak. I'm in self-preservation mode. I seek emotional intimacy elsewhere.

Would LOVE to hear her side of this. The crazy/abusive ex wife is a trope for a reason. He's a permanent victirm... nothing is ever his fault. Other people are Mean to him. boo hoo hoo

My husband's ex cheated on him. I think it broke him. And now I'm her by proxi

Love this analogy!

But how can she tell him it's over, given her housing situation?

Maybe the therapy session isn’t to help him realise it is over. It is to help you realise that nothing you (or anyone) can do or say will make him stop blaming you. And that you need to stop worrying about what he thinks, and choose to just focus on you

OP, this is where I'm personally at. Grey rock.

OP, what are your plans with the housing situation?

@PlaidJane To tell you that you are "leaving him hanging" is out of order to you.
With the therapist, the discussion sounds as rational as it could be, given your H's reaction.

If he resents you spending time with others or even enjoying some hours of your life independently, that is his problem to solve. Tbh, complaining about it to you seems more likely.

If that one-off joint session was enough for you, stick to that.

We came to an agreement after the session that this wasn’t going to work and we would both be happier apart. We agreed to be amicable and try to untangle our lives. He left the house was gone for hours so I fell asleep.
I got up this morning to go to the gym and he started a new confrontation with me about what we had discussed and agreed the night before, and that I was leaving him hanging ?!?? so I missed my class

This is all just his usual disordered thinking. Dont try to explain. "We agreed to separate and now I want to start figuring ojt how to do that. I will get rhe estate agent in today."

Ask yourself this: is he in this relationship to add to your life or subtract from it? I imagine you can answer positively about what you have brought to the relationship. What answer would he give if you asked him - is he in it to give or take?

You've got to put some boundaries in place to stop him from ambushing you like this - why aren't you telling him you have plans, which he knows about, and you're not going to let him disrupt your day - he's got to learn he's not in control of you at every moment of the day - he can't regulate his behaviour or emotions can he? Like a child. How long do you think it's going to take him to grow up and start behaving like an adult and thinking about other people instead of himself all the time?

Of course he wants you in the house... where he can continue to ambush you. Can't you get him to move out. You need space where you can choose to be alone and safe so he can't keep cornering and haranguing you. If this can't be arranged then can you put the house up for sale? You still don't seem to be trying to initiate an end game - are you committed to that yet or not?

I am sorry but the line about being like "movie stars" has me absolutely pissing myself laughing.

he stood in front of the door so I couldn’t leave it and when I asked him to stop shouting he said I was also shouting.

No I asked about the house and he had agreed we would proceed. He then left to go out to clear his head. He was gone for hours. I fell asleep. Then when I woke up he had been stewing all night.

@LuxuryCarbs I’m very pleased I cheered you up, it was just an analogy. Like when everyone in strictly runs off with their dance partner. I was being flippant as I said it was ridiculous

So he's escalating? This is the first step before actual violence starts. Sorry OP, I know you don't want to hear any of this and you don't want to believe this of him, but I don't believe he's planning violence, but I do think he's increasingly losing control and any ability to behave rationally. Blocking the door is, in effect, a physical act. It might not be "violence" in the true sense of the word but I see this as violence becuase it is a) physical and b) the only way for you to get away is physically attempt to push him. Which would, immediately, result in him accusing YOU of abuse/violence.

Real life examples of this sort of escalation I have seen:
Physically pushing the woman out of the way with a shoulder to force his way into a room.
Invading her personal space and taking her private items then holding them out of reach.
Locking her in a room
Smashing a glass on the kitchen counter next to her.
A light smack in the face.... which is when she FINALLY got him out the house forever.

I was laughing at the absolute vanity of having said it at all...

@LuxuryCarbs yes and I explained it was just a description of when people start affairs when they have worked very closely together. At no point would I assume I’m a movie star. I can see how it happens though. It’s really common so just using it as an example. I’m not sure why this is relevant now. My problems are a bit bigger than a silly turn of phrase

@Iwanttobeafraser I know I am being silly thinking this won’t happen, he’s never laid a finger on me, he’s never blocked the door before either though. He knew I wanted to leave as I was pushed for time and he stopped me. I feel sad today because I know that it was a step too far

I think you are getting very close to getting free of him now, keep a note of everything and keep going.

I missed what you said about strictly come dancing, would you mind saying it again, I can’t find it in your posts, I’d love to hear it.

Well! You tried to get his understanding and consent and he basically lied, gave it, then went right back to badgering and attacking you in order to get you back on the treadmill with him.

Anyone have a link to Jamais’ FIVE YEARS LING THREAD about how she complained that her french husband sulked and gave her the silent treatment and it ended up in a five year struggle to divorce him? Started small but ended up with stalking, mental cruelty, a few nervous break downs and involuntary hospitalizations until he stopped badgering and abusing her.

OP you need to save your life and get out as cleanly as you can.

The context was in my OP that I was describing the affair phenomenon that happens between people who work closely together. A lot of people who do strictly or movies get involved with each other because they have worked so closely for so long, they form an emotional attachment or a bond through the work they have done or at the end of something good it’s like a big rush.

I had this happen to me with a work colleague after a project and we both talked about it and I realised I was missing something in my relationship. It gave me a wake up call. We did not have an affair

When he is rational, of course he'd never hurt you. But he's on a downward spiral which will make his disordered thinking and irrationality worse. And when he does hurt you, or lash out inappropriately, he will blame you. I don't think most men like you are descriving your H would go for full on physical attacks. But shoving, pushing, lashing out in the form of a slap or kick - absolutely. Also, secondary harm eg throwing something that then smashes and a piece nicks you. And it will ALL be portrayed as your fault. You backed him into a corner. You wouldn't stop. You wouldn't leave. You wouldn't listen. etc etc etc.

Case in point, if you had attempted to phuysically push past him - you would have been accused of pushing him. He might have pushed you back and then said it was your own fault tbecause you were in his space.

Here's a sentence I've heard more than once, "What else was I supposed to do?"

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4961806-update-divorce-is-in-sight-from-sulking-exh

Oh this is it Jamaisjedors was her nym.

Get out while you can. I agree with previous posters that he is escalating. Even if you don’t think he will go all the way to further restraining you or more physical violence you must see that in his minnd he is moving away from any need to please you or comply with you. In fact he has rapidly moved towards a stance that you are persecuting him and any action he takes is perfectly justified. Your refusal to submit (graciously) is itself a reason for his snger.

@pikkumyy77 Thanks for that. i was on the earlier threads but hadn't seen the last one and it was lovely to see how well she's done!!!

You need to practice leaving when he starts going off on one.

Total grey rock answers. “I’m not discussing this anymore. We agreed we were done. Now I’ve got a class to go to so, toodles”.

“Can you stop harping on? We decided we were separating. That’s that. Have you booked the house valuation yet or should I?”

”I’m not discussing our relationship anymore because it’s over and we agreed it’s over. So do you have a preference for estate agent?”.

Topic back to practical stuff each time.

Leave the house if he starts berating you.
If he makes a habit of blocking your exit, report it to the police. It is criminal.