I think I have to leave my husband

[PlaidJane]

I have had a nice little life the past few years with my DH, we get on well he’s a nice guy generally and we have an enjoyable time together. He’s quite insecure in his looks and not overly confident so I do feel I fall into the pattern of being a bit motherly, you know giving him reassurance. He says a lot of the time that I’m out of his league. This isn’t wildly attractive I’m sure some people would agree and I can find it annoying as I am not that shallow, I want someone who makes me feel loved and is nice that’s all.

I’d say the issue in our relationship up until now is that I feel like I am putting on a perfect persona all the time as he finds it hard to cope with me in any other raw format version. He gets defensive and upset if I have any Big Feelings - even if they aren’t related to him at all. Therefore I don’t share many big or small feelings with him. Hence the plodding along.

Over time I recognise I feel friendly affection for him with our lives tied together in a house and joint assets etc and I wasn’t going to disrupt anything.

I am a people pleaser and I find it so hard to let people down or put myself first.

I have been working on a short term project with another man for some months now which has ended. During this time we got along great, but I didn’t think anything much of it as I knew the project would end and mostly thought just this guy is a nice guy.

I don’t think we spoke emotionally or overshared our personal lives more than normal colleagues, we worked well as a team and had good fun in the process. As the project came to an end and we said goodbye, we both simultaneously appeared to realise we had formed some kind of feelings for each other.

I assume this is what happens to movie stars on film sets or strictly shows, when you spend a lot of time with someone in close proximity. So I’m not sure it’s real at all. I got worried I was in limerance so was working on detachment

We have had one honest in person conversation about this where we shared exactly identical experiences and thoughts about each other - it’s so weird and uncanny. I feel like we just wanted to check we were not going mad and deluded in our own minds? These moments in our minds were totally identical realisations or memories, matched each other in sync. This has never happened to me before. We both admitted we had grown attracted to each other physically but more than that, we liked each others personalities and couldn’t stop thinking about the other. It’s affecting both our sleep and appetites. We have agreed we need to detach because it’s very dangerous

Running off together is ridiculous, this isn’t some big romantic movie, also this is an awful thing to do to my husband. I’d rather be single right now and have none of this hassle I just want to run away from everything and everyone

I think I’m having a midlife crisis of some kind and I have to leave my DH but I don’t know where to even begin to detangle our complex finances. We don’t have any savings and a huge mortgage and the market is terrible right now for selling. I also feel sick at the thought of telling him I’m not romantically in love with him as it would break his heart.

As much as I understand you’re trying to navigate this, do you think maybe just ending it and telling him will stop this long drawn out process to achieve the same result.

i understand you’re worried about money, but if you want the marriage to end, just tell him now.

It’s not money. I just do freeze up. He is wearing me down and I do feel trapped and stuck. He’s so good at turning things back on me and getting into my head. I’ve had to go back home as my DC are there. He agrees to be reasonable and then confronts me. Last night he confronted me with our wedding vows and clung onto me crying. I feel really bad for feeling the way I do, then I start to think I’m unreasonable and not giving him a fair chance.

Can you do it in writing, send him an email, say you’ve been trying to do this but it’s not been feasible. And you’re happy to discuss it through, but the decision is final.

Honestly, how did you not start laughing at his melodrama?! This is so far from normal behaviour I can’t even tell you.

Boot his sad arse out the bloody door.

It’s pure manipulation tactics. Wearing you down is exactly the effect he’s going for. The minute you agree to try again he’ll be back to his usual self. Sorry if this has already happened and I’ve missed it, but if he hasn’t already tried it and if you hold your line, the suicide threats will start. It’s a well-worn path adopted by manipulative people who are being left. It is emotionally exhausting. He knows this. It’s literally why he does it. Please bear this in mind and don’t be tempted to succumb to the guilty feelings.

I completely agree with you in terms of what's happenign and what will happen but, I think one thing that can be difficult to understand with a certain type of person is that their victim constantly feels sorry for them. Feels guilty. Feels bad. And as the outsider, you're thinking, "But he's just trying to manipulate you".

And it can get very frustrating.

But the really hard truth is that these people genuinely ARE upset. They literally have zero self awareness, no ability to take responsibility or accountability and genuinely believe they are the victim. They have completely disordered thinking. The problem is that normal, empathetic people can see their genuine distress and find it very hard to just cut them off. They try to explain. They try to request changed behaviour. But the person really doesn't understand.

And so their behaviour often gets worse because from their perspective, the other person is being completely unfair/irrational/mean/toxic/cruel. They feel backed into a corner and lash out. And even that, when they calm down, they still feel is JUSTIFIED.

And all of this makes it very very hard to move on from becuase you keep waiting for them to accept or even just acknowlege what's going on but they simply can't. And when well meaning outsiders tell the victim that this person KNOWS what they're doing, it jars becuase the victim knows this person is not that good an actor.

You didn't have to go back home because your dc were there, they are not young children they are young adults. I expect they are all 18+ or even early 20's ?

Put the house on the market, he can't afford to live there on his own and it will be far too big for him on his own anyway !

You say you can't afford it on your own, but maybe you could - could one of your young adults get on a mortgage with you ?

otherwise just go and rent or buy somewhere you can afford for yourself.

You can start a divorce online today and it can progress whilst the house is on the market.

You may find that your young adults choose to live elsewhere by themselves or with friends or with partners once you are divorcing / the house is on the market.

This is going to be hard. No getting around it. But, OP, you must be brave. I know someone who had to pay for a hotel room and get some friends to carry her (ex) boyfriend out of her flat.

What he is doing is called an “extinction burst”. The behaviors that have always worked for him are all he knows how to use: sulking, threatening, leaving, crying, clinging. And he will use each one in turn, cycling rapidly, until the behavior self extinguishes as no longer working. But sometimes they never realize it won’t work so they never stop. Can you endure that? Is it safe to be near such a person.

I really don’t think it is. He us experiencing extreme ego threat. You ending things is an enormous narcissistic wound. If he had Trump’s power he’d bomb the neighbors or have you arrested.

Toughen up! He won’t die if you leave him but part of you will did if you stay.

It’s not as simple as the DC just having places to go, their dad doesn’t have the space anymore for them both, they live with me full time and renting/buying is really expensive. I’m a parent even if they are older I need to be responsible. It felt unfair of me to leave them in the strained environment also why should I be the one who leaves my own home, it’s 50% of my house too. This is why I have been trying to get him to be reasonable because this could be months of living together like this . After I pay the bills here I have a few hundred £ left it’s not going to get me far but I have been trying to save up for a while and need to focus on saving. I did get some advice and it was to stay in the home unless I feel unsafe. I don’t feel physically unsafe it’s the emotional stuff. Part of me thinks I need to try to keep him on side to get the house sold, the other half just wants to run away

it’s really hard to leave this type of relationship

I do see all these things he’s just good at the guilt trips

This is why I have been trying to get him to be reasonable because this could be months of living together like this .

He won't be reasonable. he simply isn't capable of it.

Do you have a spare room? Can you move in there?

Oh OP, I feel for you as I was stuck for ~6 months in a similiar situation when I split up from DH#1. He was so furious and resentful about it all that he piled on the emotional blackmail, and I was so used to anticipating his every mood and whim that everything landed very heavily on me. I found it impossible, until we finally parted, to stop feeling responsible for his feelings, because that's all I'd ever been focused on for the best part of two decades and old habits die hard!

I slept on an airbed in the spare room and one night he got mad at me when we said goodnight in the hallway. In a rage, he jabbed his thumb towards what had been "our" bedroom and said "You should be in THERE, comforting me through this!"

🤯

If there really is no way out until things are sorted, and as long as you are confident that your safety is not under threat, you just have to find a way to survive living with a lunatic until it's over. Get out as much as you can. Avoid him as much as he lets you. Hardest of all, try to understand that this is all bullshit and will be over one day. Every moment that passes brings you one step closer to being able to breathe again. And when you are finally free, you will look back on this and celebrate the sheer guts and determination you found to survive it. 💐

OP don't leave your house and your kids. You can't leave them with him. He needs to leave if possible. If his behaviour gets more threateneng call Police ..coercive controlling behaviour is part of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 now. Log and date his behaviour. Take care.

My XH did exactly the same thing of following me around, crying, etc for 6 months until I could leave. He hacked me as well (be careful), forced me to have sex, etc. It will damage you seriously to live like that, people don't understand how terrible it is. You and your kids need another place to live, even if it's not a very good one (or to find a way to make him leave)

He’s done some kind of mental health assessment and they have said he’s got moderate depression and anxiety so now he’s saying he’s not well and will try to get better so can I please give it a chance, he also said that he was triggered by things from his past he’s aware of now and it’s not my fault, he will work on it all. He’s always emotional and acting pretty desperately it’s so hard to be around

I am in exactly the same situation at the moment, literally questioned if I have written it! No advice but solidarity, it's absolute hell.

Must be standart behaviour for manipulative and controlling men

Just stick to a script. “Good you got a diagnosis. Wish you well with the treatment. The relationship is over. I will not change my mind.”
Repeat as often as necessary.

He is looking to turn every interaction into a renegotiation but you are not negotiating. You are done.

Anything that he can interpret as a wobble or a concession will end up resetting his game clock and he will start again from first principles. Don’t let him do this! Just ignore, block, avoid, and drily repeat “Its over.”

He got assessed that quick did he. Ha! Suuuuure.

Also, “No. You can’t work on me no longer wanting to be with you. I’m sorry that you’re suffering but that’s something you will need to work through with your doctor. I’m not going to stay in a relationship out of pity. And I don’t know why you would want that anyway”.

Honestly I don’t know how you’d not got the massive ick from that, I’d be so done. I suspect you’re so far into the drama you can’t see if for what it is anymore, stone cold manipulation.

just tell him straight the drama is making it worse for you, and there is no chance due to it. Zero zilch and the more drama he causes the worse it gets.

It's all very well him expecting your consideration of his mental health, but he has no qualms about battering yours and expecting you to be resilient.

Another trick OP and an old one. He won't be able to work on himself he would need a therapist for that. Don't accept that one Next manipulation is often a threat to end his own life .just saying...

He says he has a therapist he’s signed up to something privately at his own cost. I do think he’s having anxiety attacks as I’ve seen him having them but they are completely centred around me not leaving him and he expects me to make him feel better. He says all he wants to do is talk to me. It’s like when you are addicted to something

When I’ve had anxiety he’s not really been very understanding about it in the past so this kind of does twist the knife in. I am still in a care giving role aren’t I, I’m not receiving any care myself from him. Just me, on my own, managing everyone else and shoving my own feelings back under for everyone else’s sake.

I am just cold and dead inside tbh. I’m functioning on autopilot.

I’m sorry to hear this I hope you are ok x

I think the answer here is to very calmly explain that you are very pleased he's getting support and is working through things. that right now, you ALSO need support and to work through things and that any fix, if its even possible, is not something that happens overnight and that a big part of what happens next will depend on how his therapy and work goes and how you feel as you work through your own feelings.

I'm afraid there is a bit of a textbook situation developing here where, again, HE is the victim and his mental health and his anxiety are completely separate to his behaviour and so he can't be "blamed" for them. and as I've said before, he's not lying or manipulating -he genuinely believes all this.

It will be interesting to see if he actually engages with this process. In my experience, at best, they take some meds and get themselves a bit more functional for everyday life, but they aren't actually capable of doing anything substantive in terms of changing behaviours or taking accountability.

That's it, exactly.

I hope that seeing this for what it is will help you push forward.

I have written him a letter.

in the letter I have made it clear that I can’t keep holding onto everyone’s emotions to stop them falling over. No one is holding me up

if he’s defensive this is centering himself, if he’s taking all the blame he’s centering himself - they are the same thing just an extreme either end. I am still nowhere