I think I have to leave my husband

[PlaidJane]

I have had a nice little life the past few years with my DH, we get on well he’s a nice guy generally and we have an enjoyable time together. He’s quite insecure in his looks and not overly confident so I do feel I fall into the pattern of being a bit motherly, you know giving him reassurance. He says a lot of the time that I’m out of his league. This isn’t wildly attractive I’m sure some people would agree and I can find it annoying as I am not that shallow, I want someone who makes me feel loved and is nice that’s all.

I’d say the issue in our relationship up until now is that I feel like I am putting on a perfect persona all the time as he finds it hard to cope with me in any other raw format version. He gets defensive and upset if I have any Big Feelings - even if they aren’t related to him at all. Therefore I don’t share many big or small feelings with him. Hence the plodding along.

Over time I recognise I feel friendly affection for him with our lives tied together in a house and joint assets etc and I wasn’t going to disrupt anything.

I am a people pleaser and I find it so hard to let people down or put myself first.

I have been working on a short term project with another man for some months now which has ended. During this time we got along great, but I didn’t think anything much of it as I knew the project would end and mostly thought just this guy is a nice guy.

I don’t think we spoke emotionally or overshared our personal lives more than normal colleagues, we worked well as a team and had good fun in the process. As the project came to an end and we said goodbye, we both simultaneously appeared to realise we had formed some kind of feelings for each other.

I assume this is what happens to movie stars on film sets or strictly shows, when you spend a lot of time with someone in close proximity. So I’m not sure it’s real at all. I got worried I was in limerance so was working on detachment

We have had one honest in person conversation about this where we shared exactly identical experiences and thoughts about each other - it’s so weird and uncanny. I feel like we just wanted to check we were not going mad and deluded in our own minds? These moments in our minds were totally identical realisations or memories, matched each other in sync. This has never happened to me before. We both admitted we had grown attracted to each other physically but more than that, we liked each others personalities and couldn’t stop thinking about the other. It’s affecting both our sleep and appetites. We have agreed we need to detach because it’s very dangerous

Running off together is ridiculous, this isn’t some big romantic movie, also this is an awful thing to do to my husband. I’d rather be single right now and have none of this hassle I just want to run away from everything and everyone

I think I’m having a midlife crisis of some kind and I have to leave my DH but I don’t know where to even begin to detangle our complex finances. We don’t have any savings and a huge mortgage and the market is terrible right now for selling. I also feel sick at the thought of telling him I’m not romantically in love with him as it would break his heart.

He's essentially trying to bully you into reverting back to molly coddling him. He's trying everything - anger, self pity, threats of self harm, pleading. It's not working, so he's at sea.

Good luck. I think your exit now is inevitable. I hope you find a clear and easy path to moving on

OP so many people on here have suggested not falling into his trap of manipulative conversations. When he started this today you needed to say can't talk now I am off to the gym. Make sure you go out this evening and enjoy yourself

Scary that he has physically stopped you from leaving.
I hope you can leave before that happens in future , and can tell him in no uncertain terms that physically restraining you is absolutely not ok.
Hopefully you're out tonight with your previous plans having a great time.

I’m back to update.

Over the past week things did not improve. We tried taking turns to be in the house and we also tried a weekend together in the house to see how this worked out.

Problem is that in the moment of conflict I am dissociated (my therapist has told me this is the reaction it’s having on me) and then afterwards I am processing anger/sadness. When I tell him about this he is defensive, then he will become sad and beg me back, then he will discard me!

As I’m such a ridiculous people pleaser I went along with this plan on the weekend against my better judgment and all it was was more opportunities for us to hurt each other emotionally.

He won’t say the sorry I am trying to get and makes excuses.

He keeps shouting at me then saying he knows it’s not right but carrying on doing it. I’ve explained it’s the breakdown of respect that is now the biggest issue and of course he got defensive that I too had done things to hurt him. I explained that these were NOT the same things

He has moved out of the house. He made sure it was him rejecting ME

Therapist tells me to stop engaging in the dance. I engaged in the dance the past 2 days when he tried to pull me in with his pity, and then he rejected me all over again when I held him accountable.

He claims nothing we had an issue with was ‘that serious’ to cause this so when I explain it, he rejects me

Both our family are asking me to be more tolerant and ‘give him a chance’ so I feel very lonely. I try to explain the issues but as expected no one can even picture him raising his voice at me so he’s done a great job of painting himself to look holy

So I am on my own currently and trying not to get into the dance again.

You need to be very clear with your family (and yourself!) “Absolutely not. We are over and the next person who suggests I should “give him another chance” (whiny voice), will find themselves permanently short of my company too. No means no. Respect people’s decisions”.

Stop taking it.

He can be as holy as he likes. No one is owed a relationship. Don’t play his game of “who looks like the good guy”. Relationships are not about that.

“I don’t want to be with him anymore, don’t you think it’s really weird that you’re trying to persuade someone to stay with someone they no longer love?”
”I’m sorry you feel that way but frankly, he is my ex and that’s that. Please stop trying to make me change my mind. It’s weird and creepy”.

Be firmer with them and firmer with yourself.

And regarding him, you are having a freeze up response because he is a bully. It’s that simple. It’s NOT a you issue. He is berating you and a threat you you and your body knows it. Please take steps to get moved out and into your own place asap.

Stop.explaining.to.him. Just get the heck away from him and keep him away.

oth our family are asking me to be more tolerant and ‘give him a chance’ so I feel very lonely. I try to explain the issues but as expected no one can even picture him raising his voice at me so he’s done a great job of painting himself to look holy

Yes well, painting you as athe bad guy is part of the tactic. It' sinteresting - they say you should ive him a chance? Are they telling him to sort himself out?

Surely your children know what's really going on? They're there? THey see and hear it?

They don't know the ins and outs of your relationship and frankly their opinion doesn't matter. You know the truth and don't have to justify yourself to anyone.

Some physical distance will do you some good. You've both tried to say your piece and you both still feel unheard, I'm not sure there are any conversations left to be had apart from how to untangle your lives and move on separately.

In hindsight I don’t think DH and I were naturally compatible and it took a lot of work and sacrifice, especially on my part to make a relationship work. I don’t believe everything always comes easy but I now think it was harder than it should have been. I’m also older and wiser and it’s no longer a pandemic where everyone was feeling unsettled and lonely.

the foundations of our relationship was that we formed an emotional attachment over text messages straight off the back of his bad divorce, and then when we met I overlooked fundamentally incompatible areas because of the emotional investment I had already made via texting.

Full transparency, I never fancied him as much as I wished I did, but we found a way to work through it. I put my needs aside for someone very needy who needed a lot of reassurance and there was a lot of changes and adaptations I made to suit him. We did have a fairly fulfilling (vanilla) sex life but this took a long time to establish with mostly work from me and even then, it was hard work. He wouldn’t ever let me touch or do anything to him. He was generous to me but he would constantly apologise to me the whole time during sex and constantly worry about hurting me or if I was bored, it would ruin the moment and again, even if I was bored I would pretend I wasn’t.

I’ve been an insecure partner in the past, before I addressed it, and it has ruined a relationship so I do empathise.

DH is insecure and it’s eventually ruined ours and addressing it while we are still together is more work for me isn’t it. And it’s just become unattractive

unfortunately I have worked through all of this on my own and left him behind so he isn’t on this page. He doesn’t know I feel this way because from his perspective, I’m the best thing that’s happened to him. I’ve come along, built up his confidence, been supportive and helped rebuild him but all the while I’ve been getting smaller and more distant.

I am done, I want out, I want to get away and start again.

The challenge is finding the words and conviction to see this through. That’s my struggle

Is he still out of the house? Could you simply serve him divorce papers?

This. Poor bloke. 🙄

There is nothing to explain. The man is your classic covert narcissist. They present as good/innocent/super helpful (to family and friends) because that is an excellent way of creating allies that will keep you in line when you try to leave. All the niceness to others is no more than feeding a dog treats so it changes masters and will attack and defend the new master against the old. He has bribed and dazzled your family in order to control you.

Leaving this kind of person is a series of courageous steps that you have to take to get away. You are crossing a hard desert. It is going to be painful because he has alienated you from family and friends and he is manipulative and angry. He has booby trapped the path. Just keep focused on forward motion.

To get out you have to be true to yourself and ruthless with everyone else.

It is over and my decision is final. Do not bring this up again. said on repeat.

Act as a single person. Shut things down. Ignore social or family comment. He is not the man you think he is. I have ended the relationship. Don’t try to change my mind.

Keep your eyes on the prize.

He is still out of the house he has gone away for 2 weeks now as well.

He wants us to meet up at the end of the 2 weeks to discuss possible reconciliation. He’s stopped all the behaviours I said I didn’t like so far but then he has limited access to me to do them so I can’t say he’s changed. I’ve not responded to his request.

He spoke to my DD and told her he wanted me back and was very sorry and still wants to try.

My DD and some of my family members are pressuring me to not give up on our relationship. They think that this is just a blip that you can work though and all relationships are hard sometimes.

I have explained though that despite everything else, I have what you might call the ick. I genuinely don’t know how to see him in a different light where I would feel loving feelings and want to be intimate with him. I don’t know if this is just because I feel angry with him, or whether it’s just the attraction spark has totally died. I explained this to my sister who said ‘it can come back’ but this hasn’t been my experience in life so far!

My poor DD has been trying to convince me to go back to dating him to see if it comes back but this wouldn't be fair on anyone as I know my heart wouldn’t be in it.

So here I am over explaining myself yet again.

“I don’t want it to come back. Stop bringing it up. It’s weird. No means no”. Repeat each time.

”No kid, that’s not going to happen. Frankly I’d rather stick needles in my eyes. Is that clear enough for you?”

Stip treating it as a conversation where you have to explain why you don’t want him back. You don’t owe anyone that explanation. No means no.

“All realstionshops are hard sometimes”. Says who? That’s a load of shite by the way. The only point in a relationship is some nice company. If you don’t fancy them anymore and they are getting on your tits then that’s the relationship done. Or it should be.

Anything you have to “Fight for“ is toxic. And belongs in the bin.

Jesus, talk about toxic family.

No one has anything to say here except YOU, OP.

Tell them to mind their own fucking business.

I wouldn't tolerate such interference at all. I am NOT going to be made to fuck someone I don't want and find revolting. Jesus.

Well while he is away, you can start the divorce proceedings online
and get the estate agents in to value the house, then get it on the market.

FYI “all relationships are hard sometimes” sounds like shit people are used to saying to keep women in crap relationships, making excuses for crap partners. (I’d highlight it to anyone that said it to me and then follow it up with “do you feel you’ve stayed in a difficult relationship? Do you think it’s probable that actually, you should have left? But that societal brainwashing told you it was the woman’s job to stay and tolerate it? Don’t you think it’s good that times are changing and we don’t have to do that anymore?”)

You don’t see men fighting for shit. They just leave. And more power to them.

Obviously it’s different if they turn into complete bums who don’t pay child support or see their kids.

But shit relationships should never be stayed in. It isn’t good for children to see their parents in unhappy relationships.

This is a good learning experience for your daughter. Tell her it’s not a woman’s job to suck it up and stay with a man she doesn’t like just because he wants her to. If she wants out she can leave, she doesn’t need his permission.

@Sodthesystem its so eye opening.

My sister’s relationship is not what I would choose for myself.

Having done a lot of thinking recently my anger towards him is that I’ve spent so long telling him I have problems with things, initiating conversations and trying to negotiate with him to get myself seen/heard and he’s ignored pretty much 90% of these requests. Like his family are a huge issue and he doesn’t listen or take into account where I fit in all of this.

I have so many little examples of times where he has controlled our relationship and I hand on heart do not ever expect the same from him.

He always sleeps in and gets up a lot later than everyone else, often I will have done loads of jobs in the house but I don’t complain and I try to let him sleep.

Last night I was watching TV when eating my dinner and I realised he’s never let me watch TV eating dinner as he didn’t agree with it. He set the tone of what he felt was the right way to do things and I had to go along with them. He wanted to always chat at dinner about our day and he would sulk and get pissy if I sat anywhere else but the table and didn’t feel like chatting. I was miffed as I am a fully grown woman in my own home who couldn’t sit where I wanted to when I ate food. So I would check out emotionally and dread mealtimes when I started losing my autonomy where I sat and what I said as it had to be within his viewpoint or he would feel rejected and unloved. I would over explain and say ‘I’m just hungry or recharging my social battery’ and he would say well families ALWAYS sit together to eat, it’s important to me, I want you do it it, I know you didn’t do this in your childhood but mine was a great childhood etc.

Another example:

I had the day off work. I cleaned the majority of the house to keep myself busy. When he got back I said oh it’s just the hoovering left to do. He said sure I will do this tomorrow. So the next day comes and he’s hoovering. I go sit down in the garden - I’ve done 80% of the housework anyway and it’s his turn. He gets into a huge sulk because I went and sat down. He has a go at me that I am not ‘part of the team’ and I’m selfish and left him to do the work. Apparently he wouldn’t ever do this to me

He complained that I would always come in at the end of him clearing up the kitchen and say ‘how can I help?’ And he would be annoyed I waited until he had nearly finished. I can’t see through walls. Also surely he can clean a kitchen by himself without me

All of these on their own are very minor but they all add up into demands and expectations that don’t include me feeling like I had autonomy in my own life.

All of these on their own are not that minor and to be honest, none of it surprises me. I knew that there were going to be a lot of controlling behaviours that you hadn't recognised or hadn't told us about from the start of the thread. And I suspect you'll start to remember more and more as you go through this process.

Yes these are not minor examples at all. He got sulky because you weren't standing up cheering him on while he did the vacuuming (while you'd done allll thes rest)? What a controlling git.

Tell your family kindly but firmly to butt out. They should be on your side, not that twat's.

And you don't need to justify ANYTHING to either them or him.

My XH always used to refuse to do anything around the house unless I was helping him too, claiming it should be team work. Despite the fact that I put many, many, many more hours in than him. Didn’t recognise it was all part of the control. Took me years to see it. The I decided to leave. He raped me when I told him it was over and I have suffered years and years of post-separation abuse. Thank god you don’t have joint kids. Honestly, sorry to be harsh, but stop agonising over everything everyone says and trying to rationalise and justify. Just get it done. You don’t owe anyone a relationship.

Try living some exciting times with DH.

You trust each other.
Ramp it up and go on many more regular adventures. You are both living like old people.

Camp or explore every month.
Go to musicals and concerts.
Learn a dangerous hobby like water skiiing.
Volunteer and train as fire fighters.
Watch funny stuff on TV.
Turn off your phones except for work.
Read Mills and Boon.

Ask each other about bucket lists before getting old and encourage each other to be brave.

Wow

WOW.

@isthatstillthesame I have a strange family dynamic. For some reason they have all decided I am completely incapable of making any decisions and all know better than me. All the decisions I make are always wrong. The father of my children was the same and my older daughter also thinks this. I have a senior career and was single/independent and fully functional for a long time but when it comes to my personal life I struggle with making decisions and often end up feeling lonely because I don’t do as they say I should so they are always a bit disappointed in me

I am sorry to hear what you went through, thank you for sharing with me x