I think I have to leave my husband

[PlaidJane]

I have had a nice little life the past few years with my DH, we get on well he’s a nice guy generally and we have an enjoyable time together. He’s quite insecure in his looks and not overly confident so I do feel I fall into the pattern of being a bit motherly, you know giving him reassurance. He says a lot of the time that I’m out of his league. This isn’t wildly attractive I’m sure some people would agree and I can find it annoying as I am not that shallow, I want someone who makes me feel loved and is nice that’s all.

I’d say the issue in our relationship up until now is that I feel like I am putting on a perfect persona all the time as he finds it hard to cope with me in any other raw format version. He gets defensive and upset if I have any Big Feelings - even if they aren’t related to him at all. Therefore I don’t share many big or small feelings with him. Hence the plodding along.

Over time I recognise I feel friendly affection for him with our lives tied together in a house and joint assets etc and I wasn’t going to disrupt anything.

I am a people pleaser and I find it so hard to let people down or put myself first.

I have been working on a short term project with another man for some months now which has ended. During this time we got along great, but I didn’t think anything much of it as I knew the project would end and mostly thought just this guy is a nice guy.

I don’t think we spoke emotionally or overshared our personal lives more than normal colleagues, we worked well as a team and had good fun in the process. As the project came to an end and we said goodbye, we both simultaneously appeared to realise we had formed some kind of feelings for each other.

I assume this is what happens to movie stars on film sets or strictly shows, when you spend a lot of time with someone in close proximity. So I’m not sure it’s real at all. I got worried I was in limerance so was working on detachment

We have had one honest in person conversation about this where we shared exactly identical experiences and thoughts about each other - it’s so weird and uncanny. I feel like we just wanted to check we were not going mad and deluded in our own minds? These moments in our minds were totally identical realisations or memories, matched each other in sync. This has never happened to me before. We both admitted we had grown attracted to each other physically but more than that, we liked each others personalities and couldn’t stop thinking about the other. It’s affecting both our sleep and appetites. We have agreed we need to detach because it’s very dangerous

Running off together is ridiculous, this isn’t some big romantic movie, also this is an awful thing to do to my husband. I’d rather be single right now and have none of this hassle I just want to run away from everything and everyone

I think I’m having a midlife crisis of some kind and I have to leave my DH but I don’t know where to even begin to detangle our complex finances. We don’t have any savings and a huge mortgage and the market is terrible right now for selling. I also feel sick at the thought of telling him I’m not romantically in love with him as it would break his heart.

OP your husband is like a stone. He gives nothing to you and does not care about you at all. He knows you can see him clearly for what he is and probably feels ashamed. Don't feel sorry for him (easy to say, I know). You have tried to be authentic with him and his only response is emotional abuse and manipulation. I do not believe for one minute that he genuinely intends to seek help or do any reflection about himself. You are not responsible for him. Oh and the flying monkeys - going to other people saying boohoo and asking them to ask you to give him a chance is absolutely pathetic. Sorry if I've missed it - has he threatened suicide yet? He will. Be strong. You deserve so much more than this emotional vampire who gives you nothing. I'm so glad you've decided to change things.

Emotional vampire sounds about right. I cannot think why his first wife got divorced, ugh…..

You need to change phone settings so that they don’t know if their messages have been read

And with relatives (or flying monkeys) you do not engage with them except to grey rock.

read up about narcissists- I am not saying he is one but a lot of the behaviours are those of a narcissist

It’s an abusive relationship so counselling is not recommended as it’s unsafe

Please call women’s aid or a refuge who can provide support with how to leave safely - I know you don’t think he will do anything dangerous but a lot of the actions suggest he is spiralling and this worries me

I found grey-rocking an ex with the phrase 'This is not about you, it is about me and I am unhappy' was quite useful. He couldn't deny MY feelings, because they were mine, and every time he started with the 'I want/feelneed this that or the other' I just trotted out my phrase again.

It’s common for narcissists to use flying monkeys to try and get you to give them another chance.

I wouldn’t waste time explaining myself to them.

”Ha! Absolutely not/Helllllll no. Kind regards, Jane”. NO is a complete sentence. And if you seem perfectly certain in your decision, and almost like even thr idea of getting back together is laughable, they’re more likely to assume you are a confident person who is confident in their choices. And probably has fair reason to be.

That’s what he was away doing. Sob stories to people to try and rally them to his cause. Don’t be surprised if he tells people you are having a breakdown or something to try discredit your choices.im which case you just roll your eyes, laugh and go “my goodness, that’s a new one, he doesn’t half talk a load of shite doesn’t he?”.

Also who the fuck does this person think they are? Your marriage isn’t any of their business at all.

I think you are so desperate to tie every last thread of this together in a neat bow, so that you can look back and think you did everything right.

Thing is: it doesn’t matter. He’s a terrible human being. Just boot him out.

Yeah they want you desperately trying to convince them (and now others) that you are good/fair/not mean. And round on round on the merry go round you’ll go trying to find the right words.

Ultimately, for him there are no right words.

With regards to other people, they tend to respect firmness and confidence rather than over explaining. So it’s better to just say “That won’t be happening. And I suggest you don’t let people put you in the middle of things like this in future”.

Other useful phrases to use (for others and him):

“That won’t be happening”, “I just don’t want to, so, no”, “With all due respect Sandra, gonna mind your own beeswax”, “I don’t have to explain that to to you” “I’m sorry you feel that way. Maybe that’s something to discuss with your gp becuase I can’t help you with that”. “Ok/righto” (to any accusations).

Having boundaries doesn’t make you a b*tch. It just can feel that way when we’re used to always putting others feelings first. And others can feel that way about us if we’ve always prioritised them and making them feel comfortable . But, tough. They’ll adapt or they’ll leave. And if they don’t, you remove them. Either way you get peace.

the messages were more about trying to understand how things have spiralled so fast - I assume they are considering I have had my head turned, as I appreciate that otherwise it looks absolutely out of the blue without context. I can’t and haven’t shared that I did get my head turned as a catalyst (more emotionally rather sexually).

The relative knows he broke up with me before, because it was the relative who told him he was absolutely bonkers to dump me, so I know they do also see things from my side and they all think I am ‘good for him’ and have made his life a lot better. I have done that but it’s come at a cost of my own emotional toll and I tried to explain this.

Relative was asking me to consider that relationships do need support from each other to work through problems, the good and the bad, so I explained that his recent behaviour is actually the main issue rather than just things from the past. They did tell me to give him an ultimatum and a timeline to sort himself out. It wasn’t all one sided advice

I mean you could just tell them that you don’t love him anymore and his recent behaviour means faking it till you make it is completely out of the question. That it’s made it very plain to you you need to end it. And that whilst you thank them for their care and consideration, it’s not something they should get involved in trying to fix. That it’s not something he should be putting upon them to do and that it’s just another example of why you’re leaving him.

Kindly, I'm not sure why you're dragging out the inevitable and torturing yourself. At the crux of it you don't love him and don't want to be with him anymore. You don't have to justify it to anyone, not even him. His reaction to this also doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things.

Really? Have you ever tried to be emotionally intimate with an Avoidant?

I feel for you OP. I’m in the same situation. Minus the loving colleague.

“he tries to tell me what I am feeling or give annoying solutions. If I was to persist with discussing something he would eventually reflect and maybe see that he had upset me and not listened, but by that time I would be more upset about his behaviour than the original issue. It’s not worth my mental energy.”

oh yes. Does he ever exaggerate things you say? Does he turn things around on YOUR behaviour rather than accept any shred of responsibility for his?

Its so exhausting, isn’t it?

How controlling and abusive?

“Right now I got home he’s in some kind of weird mood, won’t tell me what’s up just a lot of huffing and puffing. I’ve gone out for a walk and right now I would just drive off and send him half the bills from my wages each month and live in someone’s spare room but I do have my own children to factor in the housing situation”

I could have written this 💐

“Partly this was to get away from his low mood, start building up my own social life”

how often does he have “low mood” and what does his behaviour look like when he’s in it?

”I would usually be worrying, asking him if he’s ok, trying to help him, trying to cheer him up, trying to raise his spirits, entertaining him with a performance, seducing him”

the dance we do! This is classic anxious-avoidant dance. Sounds like you’re opting out of the dance - which is excellent progress.

”The silent treatment is awful, I hate it. It’s not happened in a while but it’s always when I have brought something up about our relationship and my own feelings.”

DAVRO. He’s a little wet fish victim isn’t he? Such ick.

”they genuinely have no idea that they're doing it and do 100% believe they are the victim”

Scary! So there’s never any hope?

I’m convinced we have the same husband.

is this vulnerabile narcissism? Or dismissive avoidant? Or both!

“He felt it was my job to keep him emotionally regulated. His baseline setting was irritable and sullen and it was my job to jolly him up or talk him round. And he was moody on purpose.
It’s abusive to outsource emotional regulation to others. Once someone is doing this I don’t think there’s any coming back from it.”

why do they do this? Personality trait? Unfixable?

Just because the relative has said things like “you are too good for him” or anything else flattering don’t think that means they are to be trusted or that they really see things from your sude. No one wants this guy back or on their hands. They will praise you while they think you might come back snd damn you when you don’t.

@PlaidJane " They did tell me to give him an ultimatum and a timeline to sort himself out."

This is absolutely ridiculous; there's no way anyone - medical professionals included - who could put a time line anything however you care to term it - recovery, readjustment, resettlement, acceptance - what a stupid thing to say - this is just not how things like this work out - you are talking years of work and no real way to measure any kind of "progress" imho. He is a serious damaged individual - a spoilt child, he's probably terrified of what lies ahead for him but he's made his bed. Agree to anything like a timeline and you have another deadline and a confrontation looming over you. He's roped in someone else because he's struggling with your newfound resistance - tell other people on his side to keep their nose out as they don't know the half of it and it's not up for discussion. You sound scared. If any point you feel unsafe in any way - you ring the police - no one has the right to rant at you and scare you - that's what it sounds like.

Does it matter?

It's no life being with someone like that. I was, for nearly two decades. My happiness improved exponentially (and very rapidly) once I left.

When I am trying to end things properly and leave him, he begins to cry hysterically and shake. I have explained to him that my feelings have changed and I don’t trust him anymore and I’m unhappy but when it comes to the big part of we are over and I want to leave, he is such an emotional wreck that he cries and sobs and I freeze up. The conversations are so horrible and heavy and the entire pressure of his wellbeing feels like it’s on my head, he says he doesn’t want to pressure me, but then puts all the pressure on me. He says he can’t eat or sleep and I’m being cruel and ruining his life. I’m present but not present I can’t bring myself to be near him so there is no hugging or touching and we are just civilly polite to one another. I feel like a hostage. I’ve got to get it together and be brave and just tell him