The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

This level of intensity and you mentioning about sleeping with him got me chuckling just thinking that he’d be the type to maintain strong intense eye contact throughout the entire session 🙈😂 some is fine and can be quite sexy, but if I were to look downwards while he was, erm down there and he staring at me I think I would burst out laughing 😂😂😂

sorry, not very helpful 🙈

OLD is not for everyone- or even for many I think. You’re best not putting yourself through it if it’s just dire for you.

Was it you who considered the like singles nights? Maybe not but it occurred to me as randomly I keep seeing these events on fb - though I’ve only ever seen them/talked about them on here!

Anyway, there was one that was like a Paint and Meet for 25-35 - ait sounded quite interesting - just not well targeted as 35 was a looong time back and I can’t draw or paint and I’m not currently looking to meet lok. I’ve seen various singles nights as well looking like a more traditional format/speed dating advertised. I did think one with an activity may be fun.

Coffee shops however sound a great option - and you get a nice coffee and chill time whatever. Not for you I imagine but smokers corners outside nicer pubs can be a place to socialise - thought this last night when I was on the quayside talking to a friend (live there, not in pub) and a guy came out to smoke and made a beeline to talk to us and did not seem keen to go - we went first. Maybe there are similar types of huddles minus the smoke.

I sound like there’s so many options - and I was about 16 when I last met someone in a quite random place - the park - but I think one could work for you.

Goid luck 🍀

That has made me laugh. ...

I imagine he thought he was amazing in bed, and might well have started quoting poetry during the act (hopefully not his own, but I wouldn't totally put it past him!). It would have been very intense - eye contact would I imagine have been a key feature...
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Poor guy. He will, of course, be perfect for someone I have no doubt. But that someone sadly isn't me....

This made me laugh - do people actually ask "If you were a good what would you be?" as a conversational gambit? Are you supposed to come up with some kind of cute innuendo - "salsa because I'm cool but can be spicy", something like that? I would have to dissolve my phone and self in acid if I replied to a question like that....

"Have you got any holidays planned" though was actually one of the first things Village and I spoke about - it did segue into a general discussion about travel/places we liked - I guess you have to throw in a few bland conversation starters sometimes. But the food one is daft I agree ....

And yes, OLD is by no means for everyone. When I was younger I would have found it excrutiating.....

I am sure if you are intentional about it, it will be possible to meet guys in the wild - and as you say, there are plenty of advantages. (A core one being that you know whether there is chemistry right away, rather than the OLD trap of spending days, even weeks, getting to know and like a guy, and then meeting and finding out you could never fancy him......)

Food, sorry!

This conversation is making me laugh too - quoting poetry at you - Byron or Keats? Or more modern? 🙈 and the intense stares - I think it would have ended in laughter - but not the fun connecting sort!

I think you’ve made the right decision on Mr Teacher!

These questions such as, ‘if you were a food’ remind me of Blind Date questions! Who is asking these now?! I’d be tempted to say ‘anything you are allergic to’ if I could be bothered.

I agree some apparently mundane questions are perfectly fine - holidays, even what are you upto, just if there’s no real conversation and connection arising out of them then it’s an issue.

@NervesOfCotton Thanks!

@Ilovelurchers That was a real question!! It’s like these 90s dating shows on tv where you ask candidates 3 questions and then have to go out with one!

It’s fine to ask about holidays but… as the opener? And then stay on the topic? Yes, Fergus, I get that you enjoy travel, but is that your whole personality?

@MsJinks Really? Do people not just chat to people anymore? I mentioned to a couple of guys on OLD that I usually meet men IRL so I don’t have much OLD experience, and they went ‘wait, what?! Men approach women?!’

Personally I met all long-term partners IRL (unfortunately often it is work), but also going to a cafe on a random sunny summer Sunday wearing a sundress, it’s not unusual for me to meet 2+ guys. London day out would be similar if weather is nice.

The reason why I went for OLD was that the type of guy I was meeting IRL was a bit random and I hoped that maybe I could be more targeted via OLD.

I’d love to meet someone who is… a brilliant scientist, a writer or similar, someone very dedicated to their work and really mission-driven. Considering placing myself in locations where the concentration of such guys is heavier 😂

My area is heavy on writers and bookish types, which is also not unhelpful… Except they are often 60+ and long-term married 😂

I shall keep posting about my IRL adventures here if that’s ok

There must be more poets out there than we realised! The man I’ve been seeing showed me some poetry he wrote years ago, it was risky as it was so cringe, but to be fair he was taking the micky out of himself which was just as well cause I couldn’t stop laughing 😆

I’d rather have the mundane chatter than the contrived questions, at least it’s real. One guy I was chatting to seemed nice then did these three questions, he wanted me to answer them then he’d give his responses and tell me the deep rooted psychological reasoning behind them. I thought it was AI but it was actually inspired by one of those online love doctor type blokes who are almost always long term single with no idea 😀

Why don’t you put your profile on pause for the time being? Means nobody new will see you and you can’t swipe either. This way, you can concentrate on your matches and whittle them down. If they all come to nothing then unpause your profile. May make it less overwhelming? x

I’ve just caught up on the last couple of days….this thread moves fast!

Currently have one iron, Mr Peach. Have been messaging him since the weekend (while I was away with work) and apparently we matched over a year ago but I went quiet on him. I think that must have been when I met my ex online 🙈 I cannot remember chatting to Mr Peach although he does seem familiar. This is the second time this has happened with me! Anyway, we’ve got much further into our chat than last time apparently, and we have a date tomorrow evening. Still haven’t quite decided what we’ll do although I think I’ll suggest a dog walk….makes it light and takes the focus off things a bit, plus my dog will love a proper ball throw!

I agree that some mundane questions are fine, as long as you like the person enough to care, & as long as they lead to some other chat!

empirebiscuits12 I love a dog walk for a date! I don't like it when they say you've spoken before & you can't remember though. It's unnerving isn't it!

Hi all,

I am glad you managed to pull the plug on Mr Teacher, @Ilovelurchers . There is no de-icking once we have been icked.

I can never chat to more than three people at once - the whole thing is overwhelming.

Date 3 with Mr Physics last night. He came round for dinner and ended up staying over. Had some intimacy, but no PIV due to issues on both sides. I felt very awkward about my problem (vaginismus) but he has been very sweet via message since and we had lots of cuddles and kissing and general closeness. I think I might dial it back a bit physically to take the pressure off - I have known him less than a month, and even though I do like him, it is not particularly surprising that my body decided to shut up shop.

good shout! My profile is usually on pause/incognito, ie most of the time public users can’t see me, only the ones I’ve swiped right on.

I just don’t feel like talking to the matches if that makes sense, the initial conversations haven’t been interesting enough to merit carrying on. and nobody stands out. IRL you’d be into the interesting part of the conversation within 2 minutes, whereas online it seems to take several days to get to know someone beyond the generic.

I feel like it’s a London specific issue. Doing OLD in other parts people have been very good at conversing as I guess in other parts people have fewer people that interest them and perhaps lives with less free time.

I’m going to say it, sorry. I think London attracts a very high proportion of single-minded, focused ‘main character energy’ people and feel that makes dating different. I’m definitely ‘main character energy’ myself and unfortunately I’m in a mindset where it’s hard to really get my attention, I’m too focused on my own life. If 2 people are both like that, it’s tough for them to really date unless it’s a fantastic match, as they don’t put enough effort in.

I noticed Mr Village had unmatched me a few days ago (didn't think much of it, as we are now on WhatsApp). He just told me he has come off Bumble.

Is this a sign? If so, of what? Don't know whether I should ask more, or not?

(I am still on there, merrily swiping.....To be fair, though it feels like a strong connection, we haven't even met yet.
.....)

Sorry to hear you had difficulties - I used to suffer a lot from that when I was younger, and it's horrible.

Glad that he was so supportive though. He sounds like a good'un.

Taking the pressure off should help. Also would you consider non-penetrative intimacy? That might be enjoyable AND help build the connection between you both .....

I came off Feeld just because it's such a huge distraction so maybe! Still on the rest of them tho 🥲

It's probably that. Obviously I am trying to persuade myself that it's A Sign that he has realised somehow that we are made for each other ....

God I'm such a twat! At 47 you would think I would know better than to get so excited about a guy I have never even met......

I just have to keep reminding myself that he could be boring; could be a racist (though actually I don't think so as we have discussed DEI issues); could be unattractive to me; could write poems! 😱

He has rearranged our date from Friday to Saturday but was suitably apologetic. I don't think this is always a bad sign, is it? My ex rescheduled our first date, and we ended up together for 5 years......

Wouldn’t read too much into it 😊 Some people only use apps short-term, eg make a few viable connections and delete. People also get busy and don’t have time to use, so they come off.

It really is horrendous - you feel like you are being torn in two! Yes - I think I am going to suggest we work on other stuff and leave it for a while.

I often unmatch people once we've connected on Whatsapp - it keeps it cleaner. I don't want them to know if I have uploaded another photo or something (which I accept is odd).

Is your date this Saturday? I think when we build something up in our head, it is better to get to the real life encounter ASAP. I don't think it is a bad sign that he has pushed it back a day.

Ahh this resonates with me so much. In fact one of the reasons I put m profiles on pause is that I was finding that whenever I matched with someone, I just wasn’t even excited about messaging them in the first place. Just don’t feel like I can be bothered talking unless there’s something about them that really stands out.

Main character energy is a good description and I totally have it too 😂

Haha I am so glad you get me! I feel weird writing this but that's truly how I feel...

We had a few other things in common previously re how we fancy people, wasn't it?

Funny enough there was one guy in particular from OLD that stood out to me, but he never messaged me back. He was someone I was excited about.

Now... I'm not exactly proud but he had an unusual name, say Bartholomew, and he published his job title... So I was able to easily find him with just one google search a la 'Bartholomew astrophysicist'. Read a couple of his interviews and he'd be right up my street... He's even lived in several of the same niche places as me and sounds so dedicated and smart.

Now... What can I do with this information? Precisely zero without getting a restraining order, haha! But Dr Astrophysicist I'd have definitely paid attention to. He had a very honest profile (=my career is my identity and I am proud of it, I like science and I can be a right bore) and I could actually see the man behind, not just 'I like travel and food'.

Planes has had the boot but doesn't realise yet. He said am I sacked and I said yes...another ex out of the woodwork ...

@ElleintheWoodsI often do a little background research on people I’m chatting to. Partly for safety reasons to check for any red flags (e.g. are they who they say they are?), but partly also because finding out a little more about them can help me figure out if they might be a good enough fit to be worth investing time in. I don’t think there’s much wrong with it if the information is publically available.

Wait, another one…?! What happened?

He had a few and revealed another "friend" was actually an ex.

He is also planning 1:1 drinks with the one over the road tomorrow. She is not nice.

I think my first instinct was right, to flee!