The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Then that's my bad, it didn't mean to come across that way.

@Ilovelurcherswell done on both fronts! Out with the old in with the new! 🥳

@Ilovelurchers lovely news!

@BoxOfCats how are you feeling about your conversation?

I've been keeping Mr Mullet at arms length but ashamed to say still somewhat in contact. We had plans to meet on Saturday, if I happens I will have a conversation with him. If it doesn't I'll leave it there.

Jumped back on Bumble and am meeting someone for a drink on Thursday, I'll call him Mr Hat!

Ooh - good news. Mr Tree is very present whatever he is doing - so I know if he’s with anyone or out anywhere I wouldn’t get a text - but he then messages when he has full attention on that - I like the intent and the present ness of him tbh - I try to give sane back and find it better than trying to text whilst grandkids playing or I’m having coffee with friends say.

It’s a good sign for him being focused on you when you meet - and I’m looking forward to hearing how the date goes - good luck with it.

Things do run their course sometimes- and at least it won’t run down and turn into a binfire with your decision now - a habit I have had in the past!

There are better things waiting for you - you are the prize.

Don’t be ashamed - apart from his bizarre habit of incorporating his old messaging into your dates then I think you get on well? And you liked him - it’s such a shame.

I would say don’t fall into competition mode - I have so many times, and still would I think very easily - but Mr Hat may turn out to be a better date or at least breaks the thing with Mr Mullet a bit.

You are the prize though and Mr Mullet should act accordingly- hopefully Mr Hat will.

Does anybody feel really overwhelmed doing OLD? I mean, how do you even choose which matches or people that liked you/ messaged you to talk to?

It honestly feels like that inbox you get after a long holiday that you’ve no idea where to start with.

I was going to give it a week. I’m ready to quit after a few days.

It literally feels like everyone has hundreds of options and therefore they don’t properly invest in any, just hedge the bets.

I’m sure all the guys a perfectly lovely and charming, but honestly no idea how to make any decisions off a few sentences and pics. I’m at a point where I’m swiping left on guys that no woman should ever swipe left on 😂 ‘I am a humble genius with sixpack abs and model looks that is insanely accomplished and spend my free time making the world a better place’ Me: ‘hmmm I don’t love these glasses, next’

It just doesn’t sit right with me.

I think I trust serendipity much more than the algorithm, can’t judge someone in 5 seconds.

There’s one guy that piqued my interest to the point that I remember something about his profile, if he doesn’t message back, I’m deleting the app. I can’t really juggle lots of conversations with strangers that I have no investment in.

ElleintheWoods I used to feel like that when I did the Bumble speed dating, as it's where I got the most matches. I'd find it quite stressful trying to work out which were the 'right' ones to carry on chatting to.

I actually found the best way to lessen the chats was just to arrange a meet with anybody who I vaguely liked, as soon as possible. This got rid of several instantly as they panicked at the thought of meeting so, problem solved!

It is hard to 'choose' just based on the profiles though. Would phonecalls/video chats help? Then you can get a sense of the person.

@Ilovelurchers well done for getting rid of the erstwhile poet

@duckingclueless planes admitted to infidelity in marriage.

@BoxOfCats if he's snapping at you it is time he went. Fascinated to know how he introduced you to his Ma?

Planes is coming away with me for a gig tomorrow. Jury still out. He is seeing doc today about his ED...allegedly!

Geeeez thanks for the mansplaning 😂

@Ilovelurchers did u send him a poem 😂

@ElleintheWoods I felt like that at times. I had a lot on at work and at home with kids my brain gets overloaded so easily and then I get frustrated

@BoxOfCats omg what was he getting snappy about and how did he introduce you to his family? Id be wanting to know before what he was going to say and telling him straight.

@Nosdacariad hope his app goes well, how are you feeling about it all?

18 months today I've been with my DP ❤️ and I still feel as loved and cherished as I did in that first few months ❤️ aim high girls and keep those boundaries strong....good men are out there 🫶

It can be overwhelming when you have quite a few matches - to me a lot of them just blur into one in my mind.

I agree with the suggestion earlier to mention meeting up really quickly - that immediately gets rid of a fair few tine wasters.

And I try to be ruthless and block at the first sign of a red flag or even pink flag.

Also, if you already have too many, this might sound like obvious advice, but stop swiping for a bit. The number of your exitsting matches WILL whittle itself down.

I am taking a break from swiping at the moment as I have enough matches to keep me busy - I will go back to it perhaps in a week or so (unless one of these matches works out, such as Mr Village for example please please please please Fate let it be him! 🤣)

@OneShyQuail that's lovely!

@CleanShirt hat's lovely! I hope 😁

lovelurchers - is Mr Teacher an English teacher at a college in London by any chance?

Stop feeding my delulu, I think I've clocked someone on this thread too 🤣🫣

Mr Nomad’s mum knew about me because another relative told her. So I think she thought I was his girlfriend.

@OneShyQuailHe just got a bit annoyed at me while I was driving and while he was helping me measure up a room. He is deep down quite a kind person, the sort who will go well above and beyond to help others, but he has quite an abrupt personality and lacks patience. I haven’t seen too much of that side of him until now, probably because we have been long distance so don’t typically spend more than a couple of days together at a time.

So I had the chat with him last night, just said that I was struggling with the fact that we live in separate cities and that was unlikely to change, and we are now in this weird no-man’s land between casual and relationship. That it just wasn’t working for me long term. He took it very well, almost stoically, typical Kiwi bloke really. I do genuinely hope we can be friends and told him that.

No, he is neither ab English teacher, nor a teacher in London.....

There must be a lot of similar poetry-sending guys around, that's all I can say .....

Well done for having the chat so quickly - I really admire you for that. Glad he took it so well. Hope you are feeling ok too. It's never easy when you are used to spending time with someone ......

You don't need to be ashamed, lovely. We have all done similar at one point or another, I am sure. The heart wants what the heart wants, at the end of the day.....

Well done for getting out there and chatting to others - that will help at least. Fingers crossed for Mr Hat.

It's also that there are so many chats that progressing them beyond small talk is near impossible. The app keeps telling me '14 people are waiting to hear back from you' and I'm just like 'nah, I'd rather answer work emails than do this' 😅

I feel like most people I match with are busy in the day, same as me, and matched with loads of others, so most chats progress at the pace of 1-2 messages a day.

Lots seem to want to meet up really quickly, too.

I'm not really keen on phone/video calls tbh, as they are complete strangers. If anything than I'd rather meet IRL, it's more pleasant.

Just don't think it works for me as a format. I'd rather talk to one person I'm excited about than 100s I don't care about and that don't care about me, as they're instantly replacable and so am I.

Sorry if I sound down on the whole thing but I'm just totally overwhelmed.

I did OLD in London and yes it’s super super overwhelming. I gave up many times, for a range of reasons. My advice would be to start becoming a bit more picky on things. Not in a way where you are excluding every decent man. I personally find burnt haystack way too brutal - but don’t swipe on those who, maybe deep down, you can see wouldn’t work for you. For example, I am an atheist, so I set it so that I wouldn’t match with various religions - not because I’m against religion, but because I knew that it is unlikely that a Catholic for eg wants to date an atheist long term. Use the filters and radius measure too, I didn’t want to travel to the other side of London for a date/boyfriend, so I set my radius to not go too far.

As others have said, once you have 3/4 men you are chatting to, wait to see if any of them work out to something (ie a decent chat / a date) before you swipe further. Ignore the “14 men are waiting for a response” - I think I got to a stage of having over 100 men “waiting” and I totally ignored it and then reset my filters so my pool got much smaller, as above.

work out also the key questions for you that allow you to suss someone out quite quickly. As with @MsJinks , social issues and human rights are very important to me, and actually my career, so I’d find ways to gauge alignment (I don’t mean they needed to be as into it as me, but not right wing, a whataboutism fanatic etc) on that early on before meeting. I learnt that one the hard way.

@UmberSheep Thanks for the insight.

Re filter radius, in my direct area, there never seems to be anyone at all. It seems like this demographic doesn’t use the app. So I’ve gone as far as 3-5 miles. If there was someone in my immediate area I’d likely pay attention.

Thing is, you match with soooo many people but none of those people seem to actually take time in the day to engage with the app, lots of matches expire or only get as far as 1-2 rounds of messages. Someone can message super enthusiastically and then nothing 😂

To be honest, because there are so many matches, I really can’t be bothered to message either. They all just seem the same to me - great-looking, highly accomplished, well-presented, worldly guys. Nobody actually stands out enough to be invested at any level. The sad thing is, these guys are objectively amazing, and I guess women in London will be similar, so they’ll be swiping through a sea of highly accomplished, interesting, beautiful women.

I even find IRL in London a little overwhelming at times, don’t you?

When I pop out to lunch, I’m surrounded by 100s of guys wearing suits who look like they stepped out of a Dolce ad, checking women out. You get so many phone numbers, how do people settle on one person to seriously pursue I’ve no idea 🙈

Anyway, honestly, OLD isn’t for me. I’ve always said it isn’t, and everytime I’ve tried it, I’ve not enjoyed it. Some people are just more IRL and maybe I need to stop forcing myself down an avenue that does nothing but stress me out 😂

I’m the same with clubs/bars tbf, don’t enjoy them and hardly ever met anyone that way although it used to be the usual way to meet.

I just need a long runway to become interested in someone and brief interactions without prolonged exposure don’t provide that

When I tried OLD about a year ago I was getting so overwhelmed I actually had a therapy session on it! And my therapist suggested I work out how many people I could reasonably talk to at any one time without feeling stressed (then I said three) and to just do that, pick three matches to talk to and ignore any other matches unless one of my three dropped out. (Or I decided to block them).

It worked to an extent. Now I feel happier to entertain a slightly larger number of conversations it seems.

Having said that we are all different, and if you really aren't enjoying it, why put yourself through it?

I feel pretty good about it at the moment. Though there are ups and downs of course..... When I tried a year ago, I just wasn't in the right headspace for it to be honest.

@Ilovelurchers if it would be high quality conversations I don’t have an upper limit 😂 low quality conversations, like ‘if you were a food, what would you be and why’ or ‘so, any holidays planned?’ I just have no patience for 🙈

The reason I went on a date with Mr HR was purely because he was easy to talk to and sounded like a real person talking about his day and life, and responding and reacting, not ‘in between important stuff once a day’.

But yes, I’ll stop. You’re right, it’s not for everyone. I’m really not feeling like this would be a way for me to meet someone.

Instead I’ll get out more and look open to being chatted up 😂 I find that Saturday and Sunday morning sitting in a coffee shop are pretty good for that 😉 And I can filter more easily by area as it’ll be someone that lives nearby and likes… well, good coffee and a relaxed morning doing nothing. And I can see what the bloke looks like in real time, no filters 😋

Sounds like you have a plan!

OLD definitely isn't for everybody & there's nothing wrong with that.