The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Its okay to want to know.

If i was to ask i would wait if he brings anything up related, like if he mentions the kid/s. Its human nature to be curious and id want to know too.

Hi @BellaBlackberry83 I find these things quite difficult to bring up too but I think it’s quite normal you’d want to know. Maybe wait til conversation is flowing, you’re both relaxed and just drop in something like ‘so what’s you’re story then?’ and hopefully he’ll
volunteer some of what you want to know. There’ll be someone along with a better idea in a minute!

I think it’s good to know - I also think they tell us just through natural conversation exactly who they are without hearing what is automatically his story re the separation.

I don’t ask stuff any more, but it is perhaps less important when mainly just dating at 60 as in I have time/patience to let it unfold. Current Mr Tree gave me a brief reason why he/ex split early on when it came up from him, not me, then a bit more later as it was probably a bit personal to share straight up and that was fine, but I don’t exactly mean this.

So one ex told me early on a story RW being caught out cheating - it was a funny story from years before - he then text/called next day to say he wasn’t like that nowadays. Turned out he was exactly like that nowadays. Another ex talked of his ex partner too much, and not exactly always nicely, but did mention how stunning she was and seemed to go around unnecessarily- his story of split didn’t make lots of sense - he was still hung up on her really as she’d done with him for being a dick I guess.

I do appreciate some things only become clear with time and you want to know upfront - I’d ask then if a chance arises, which it should - then you could say how well they co parent didn’t they work together? He is however very, very unlikely to say he was a dick who cheated - whether he is or not! Maybe the good co parenting is a good sign though?

Anyway, hope it’s ok.

Well that’s a new one for me. Just saw a profile and the guy actually has ‘damaged’ tattooed on his face .

Thank you all, that is very helpful. @MsJinks I really like that idea of someone telling you exactly who they are through conversation, and that is right - they tell you who they are without really meaning to.

I overthink a lot, and worry that I have a bit of a tendancy to "interview" dates - which is obviously not very sexy! I need to relax and let things flow naturally and not worry about wasting time on the wrong one - there is only one way to find out, and it is not by setting him a competencies test.

I seem to do this too! I think it's out of fear of being in another bad relationship so I try to work out the red flags as soon as I can?

I've also been really really choosy on who I'm swiping on but had gone through everyone on Hinge so loosened my tight criteria lol.
Ended up matching with a guy over the weekend who was very up front with some issues and sent massive alarm bells ringing... he was very nice when I told him I didn't think we were compatible & didn't want to waste his time though - Told me he respected the fact I'd bothered as most don't so I guess it's not just the men doing the ghosting thing!

I've re-tightened my criteria off the back of that though 😅

Eek 😳

Hope those of you who have lost their dads or their children's dads are OK & yesterday wasn't too tough for you🌹

I would just ask, no beating around the bush. But I do always say to them that I am quite nosey, and they are allowed to refuse to answer any question their find too intrusive.

Just a word of warning - my daughter's dad co-parents beautifully with me, and he used to shag everything that moves! So it's not always a sign they were faithful. It probably IS a sign they aren't a violent abuser though, so that's something......

That must have been tempting! 🙄🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

In other news, My Teacher has actually sent me a haiku today! I wonder if he is on this thread? 😂

It's actually a funny one, but it hasn't really won me round.

I need to find a polite and kind way to express my lack of interest in pursuing things (funny as your poem suggestions were, I don't think they are quite fair! He hasn't actually done anything wrong as such).

For some reason I sometimes feel awful, paralysing guilt about turning people down - but I know dragging things on is actually selfish and a bit weak of me .....

Fake my own death? And move to Canada?

I’ve tried getting this inf out of Mr Holiday Homes. I didn’t get much. He said he’d never cheated and that she wasn’t a nice person. 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m aware of the fault on both sides of my marriage (clearly he was more to blame 🙄). The only thing I think now is that I’m a different person now so whatever the reason I hope he is. Cheating would be a hard one but is a man going to admit that?

My go to is I’ve been chatting with others on the app and feel a stronger connection with someone. I want to give them my full attention.

I imagine some might? I cheated once. Would never do it again, was young and stupid. and told my current partner. Just thought it was the right thing to do.

@Ilovelurchers I have been chatting to someone who seems very keen but I’ve decided he’s not for me. I felt bad to unmatch without explanation as he does seem like a really nice person so I copied and pasted the message someone sent me a couple of weeks ago saying I’ve started dating someone else and don’t want to pursue others at the moment as it’s not fair. He thanked me for letting him know and wished me luck so maybe that’s a way of letting someone down gently.

I've done it! Sent a nice "it's not you, it's me" type message and blocked. Hope he isn't too upset. I mean, I am probably over exaggerating my importance in his life to be honest ....

I've now got a couple of dates booked in, one with the lovely Mr Village on Friday, one with Mr Comedy on Tuesday. (Sadly, Village is definitely messaging less - just hope he is busy, and it's not a sign of losing interest). And there are another couple, Mr Rugby and Mr R.P.G., who I am discussing dates with.....

All four of these men seem like nice guys and I am enjoying the chat - Village is the only one who is really lighting me up, however! Perhaps because he is the only one whose pics really do it for me. I have never considered myself particularly obsessed with looks, but I suppose there does have to be something physical there......

I might also meet my old flame Mr NHS over the weekend, but that will be strictly platonic, as he only wants ENM, and I am not attracted enough to him to be willing to share him I don't think! He's a nice guy though, very easy to chat to.....

Trying to stay positive - it's not like I am struggling to find interesting guys! I have just let myself get stupidly excited about the idea of Mr Village..... Hate the frequency with which I am checking my phone at the moment!

I think some might admit it, depending on the circumstances. If it was a long time ago for example, or if their partner had already cheated on them.

One thing nobody would ever admit to (I don't think) is being abusive, he that physically, emotionally, financially. I do think that sometimes you can read between the lines with that one though. One of my recent dates was very vitriolic about how badly his ex had treated him, how she had accused him of abuse and so on. Now, maybe he was telling the truth and he was entirely innocent. But it raised enough question marks for me......

I know women can be abusers. But statistically, it's way less likely.

My kids dad admitted to being abusive.

God knows why i stayed but not easy to get out of. Imagine most the time, they think its normal. And are just arseholes.

Yeah i would be wary too.

@Ilovelurchers Well done on the message to Mr Teacher. While it’s never nice to say goodbye to someone, you are doing both of you a favour… Sounds like you are on a roll with your various irons too!!

Thanks for the messages, Mr Nomad left yesterday morning. I am planning to chat to him this week and tell him that from here I want to take a step back from the situationship and just be friends. Meeting his mum and friends was actually fine in the end, they were all lovely. But he got a bit irritated with me a couple of times over the weekend and snapped at me once. He is a good person, I just think it’s run it’s course and we are getting on each others nerves a bit.

I am also a bit overwhelmed with life at the moment - working long hours in a high pressure job and have a lot to organise for my house move in a month. So just have limited bandwidth to deal with other people right now.

Wow, after all my worrying about Village, he is now suddenly blowing up my phone - loads of really fun messages just as it was when we started chatting.

He doesn't have his kids tonight. I think what I have learned is that he is clearly very focused on whatever he is doing - so when he is with his kids, they are his sole focus. And actually, I really like that! ❤️

Oh God I could fall for this man .....

You poor thing. It's so hard to escape some times.

But fantastic that you did, and are no longer in that horrible situation!

Sorry to hear that, but it sounds like you have reached a decision that feels right to you. So that's positive.

Do you think that ending things with Nomad will have any impact on your relationship with/feelings for Mr Charismatic? I guess it would free you up to be exclusive with him if that's what you wanted. (I don't think you are seeing anyone else currently? Though I may have missed it .....)

From a man's point of view. I don't mind anyone asking about my past, we all have one so it's only natural people will want to know. But if the questions come quick fire as though I'm being interviewed, they will get very little. If conversation is flowing freely, then just ask, but then, and this is important, let the man speak and just listen, don't interrupt with follow up questions, let him finish before you say anything else and don't hit him with another question straight away, you may be surprised just how much information you can get out of a man, if he feels that bit of trust.

@Ilovelurchers That’s so lovely! I agree he sounds like someone who’s really present which is always a good thing.

@MrFlintstone It sounds like you’re mansplaining how to have a conversation there. Doesn’t read well.