The Dating Thread 59 - meeting in midsummer with passion ablaze🔥

[Nosdacariad]

The Rules:
-The first rule about the dating thread is don't talk about it with people you're dating
-Develop a thick skin
-Do not invest emotionally too soon
-It’s all BS until it actually happens
-Trust your gut instinct
-People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault
-Know your worth
-If it's not fun, stop
-Loo update is mandatory
-No dating the thread
-Treat others as you'd like to be treated
-Any relationship you have that could get ruined by having a conversation about your feelings, standards and/or expectations wasn't really stable enough to begin with
-The things you choose to ignore/ tolerate now are the reasons you will break up in the future
If you're wondering if you're being too picky/should give another chance after the second chance/should try harder - the answer is invariably NO! You're not and you shouldn't. If this, now, is as good as it's going to get, the A game, then do you want what comes next?!
-OLD can get very time consuming. Keep doing other activities you enjoy Optional: Please give your irons (potential dates you are talking to) nicknames like Mr Scottish. Initials are allowed (Mr S) when you are an item*

Yes, feeling calm is normal 😊

Though challenging past relationship behaviours from our partners probably make us feel like anxiety should be normal, right?

I definitely feel this sometimes - normal feels boring - I think a small part of me is addicted to the drama and stress, even though I fully recognise how damaging it was.

In fact, I had an interesting discussion with my daughter about my current dating life tonight. She was taken aback to realise I had had seven first dates, six of whom wanted to pursue things with me in some form or another, but I hadn't followed up on any of them.

She pointed out how different this was from my previous behaviour, whereby I used to fling myself head first into relationships with the most unlikely and unpromising people ....

She did feel it was a very positive difference! (She is not in any way opposed to me saying, but definitely opposed to my usual brand of feckless dickheads!). And I agree in many ways, but I just hope I haven't reacted too strongly and almost become avoidant..... Perhaps my therapy has worked too well?

We'll see. I have had a very soothing discussion with Mr Village about tropical fish! (I know this would be off-putting to many, but it's an interest of mine and lovely to find someone willing to discuss it in the boring detail I enjoy!). I have hopes for him....

Need to find a nice way to break it off with Mr Teacher. Perhaps I should do it in poem form.

Sweet dreams everyone! X

Opposed to me dating, sorry. The app is making it impossible for me to edit my posts at the moment!

Well so much for being able to block your ex on Hinge as his profile has just popped up . That’s my day ruined then ffs

100%

@Ilovelurchers the idea of you breaking it off with a poem fills me full of joy after reading your posts.

Ah what a great idea

Or send him one of those singing groups like Monica did in Friends (I can't think what they are called!) After Julio wrote her the poem calling American women empty...

Maybe I’ve counted my chickens @Nosdacariad @Size40Shoes Mr Scenester who I’ve been seeing for nearly six months has gone away with friends and so far not bothered to message at all. We had a nice exchange the night before he left, then nothing. I know it’s just his way and we often go two or three days but it makes me feel lonely. I wish he’d stay in touch a bit more, not morning, noon and night but sometimes I think he’d be fine with never chatting in between dates. Not sure how to approach it without sounding needy.

Aww it's tough but I would try to keep busy & remember that he's off with friends, it's not like he's sat at home just ignoring you.

Have you told him that you'd like a little more text contact?
If he's a good one then he will understand.

Make it Haiku

Six months in there is nothing wrong with saying it, and you are not being needy - you have relationship preferences.

This.

My fella messages me every opportunity (he works nights so maybe x 3 per day) and calls me twice per day if I can speak. Communication in a relationship is important, so be straight with him (as scary as it is try and push through the fear).

Yeah @Size40Shoes I just feel like if I say something, I’m forcing him to do something he doesn’t want to do. I know logically he’s there and wants us to be together, he’s affectionate in person and plans things for the future, but just doesn’t text much.

Has anyone actually posted an ex on ‘are we dating the same man’
I’m not sure if I’m just being vindictive
I haven’t done it but I’m tempted

I think communication frequency is a really personal thing. The level of contact described by @Size40Shoes would be far too much for me and I wouldn't like it. Equally, in your shoes @PinkNeonSign I would want a message to confirm that he is thinking of me whilst away - a photo of something he would thinks I would find funny or interesting, or just a check in on how I am doing.

I think its totally fine to raise this six months in - it is definitely not needy.

I had a 3 hour phone call with Mr Physics late last night. I can see myself really liking him. Of course, this morning I am filled with overthinking and anxiety about the smallest things. I really really need to try and stay in the moment, but it is hard. For various reasons I have a lot less relationship experience than many people my age, and I am just terrified of "getting it wrong". Whatever it is. Gaah.

If you are not doing it already, I would start by modelling the behaviour you would like to receive and see how he responds. Then use that as a conversation opener eg I really love it when we chat a bit through the day, what works for you?

That way you are not potentially acccusing him of doing something wrong (his potential interpretation) That will always lead to defensive behaviour and him doing things because you want it, rather than from a place of true desire and intent. Which would feel rubbish for you too.

Yeah @Clarabella77 thats a better way of approaching it, I don’t suppose he is doing anything wrong, I just feel a bit dropped in between. I’m definitely more used to it now and definitely don’t feel the need to be in constant contact but a bit more would be appreciated.

It's just a slight misalignment in needs. But it means somebody needs to slightly adapt.

I know how difficult this sort of thing is - I feel that as women we are conditioned to see our needs as problematic/some kind of imposition. Until we see them as a weakness on our part, and try to hide them/squash them down, so that we take up as little space as possible.....

In fact, your desire for some regular communication from this guy you are in a long-standing, intimate romantic relationship with is not an imposition or a weakness of any kind - it's absolutely understandable and normal!

That doesn't mean he is doing anything wrong - he may have no idea how you feel about this - but it's absolutely fine to tell him. (I agree, not in a critical way, as there is no evidence he is deliberately being dismissive or ignoring you).

BUT, if you tell him, in a nice way, that you would enjoy slightly more contact, and he reacts badly to that or ignores it, then that will tell you something about how he feels about you..... But actually, maybe that's something you need to know?

And there is every chance, if he is otherwise great, that he will also respond well to this?

Most of all, try not to think of yourself as "needy". It's got negative connotations - and actually, if course you have needs! Needs are a totally normal, healthy part of the human condition......

This. Mr X called me needy if I asked for anything and it was triggering AF.

Yeah @Nosdacariad I think it’s the way I’ve been conditioned too.

This communication thing bugs me a bit though, I wonder why I should have to ask/hint/cajole, I wish he’d just do it, it would take two mins. Who knows, maybe he’ll send a postcard 🙄

If this was me and I had gone away on a trip etc , I would still involve you in some way. Probably I text or something in the morning explaining what the plans for the day were, possibly followed by the odd text during the day, then a phone call at night. I think that is a respectable amount for both parties.

Yeah @MrFlintstone I wouldn’t have expected all that really, we don’t tend to phone call even at home, maybe a couple of texts every 2-3 days. All was well before he left, and we have plans for when he gets back, but I thought he’d drop a message just to say how he’s getting on. He might still, it’s only been about 3 days but I do feel a bit out of sight out of mind.

I’m seeing friends over the weekend and doing things like the gym so I’ll not be waiting around for him to message but I am aware I’ve heard nothing at all and if feels a bit rubbish.

Best thing you can do is go out and enjoy yourself. It is giving the vibe of our of sight out of mind. Even when you're both at home, it still seems that way.

I wrote a poem about my ex
The Puddle.
im deeper than a puddle
You’not.

feel free to use!
Am starting to understand the whole drama dopamine thing. I was on such high alert with Situationship I saw it as feelings. Every time Mr Holiday Horns (def. Upgraded ) messages I smile. I’m laughing. I’m giddy. With no limerence. It’s bliss!