Am I unreasonable over my husband's criticism of my weekly work stay?

[MsRollersk8er]

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am full time breadwinner with a SAHH, I have worked hard and made hard choices to get to where I am in my career. My husband would only ever have earned minimum wage whilst I have made it to C suite. This means that after I had my children I had to work full time and I still struggle with feeling like im not a good enough mum, not good enough at work ect but I have to do this due to the reliance on me for everything financial. The weight is stressful to bear, but I plough on. The money I earn means we own our house outright, we have good savings and have savings for the children in the future. I moved into a new role based in london 2 years ago. This means that once a week I have, for my own sanity to stay overnight as I live in Lancashire. I have to do this to attend the meetings I am expected to attend. Despite everything being down to me my husband does nothing but complain each week about my night away, even putting words in my childrens mouths like oh another night away, that’s not right is it kids, ect. The fact is I don’t want to be away but its my job. My husband doesn’t work, enjoys our lifestyle, we have a cleaner and our children are at school, I feel awful being away but what can I do? Quit and halve my income? I am so stressed out by the constant criticism, im not expecting him to be happy about it but making me feel worse when I already feel terrible I think is not the way to support a partner. Or am I being unreasonable? We knew this about the role before I accepted it.

If he has a problem/thinks the kids are unhappy, it's up to HIM to use his words like a big boy and sit her down and have a conversation with her about it.

To what end? He knows she works hard, he knows she financially supports the family, he is telling her every week that he is unhappy about her working overnights, working lates etc, being away from the kids all the time.. it's not changing anything though is it, she has decided she isn't going to give up this job, whether her family are unhappy about it or not.

She has only had this 'new' job for two years, so without the context of what their life was like before then it's not unreasonable to assume things were okay before that and it's this new job with super long hours/commuting and overnight stays that has caused the friction.

There's a lot more nuance (and sides to this story) then what is being portrayed here, people aren't robots. If they can't have an honest conversation with each other, then it sounds like they need counselling to work through the issues.

The criticism and put downs are a problem but you must take accountability for your choices. You've made quite a song and dance in your OP about how much you have worked hard to get where you are and your husband would never have been as good as you (a sentiment I'm sure he's not oblivious to) - and that you have been carrying all this 'weight' alone. You have choices and you speak as though you've had zero this whole time.

Presumably you wanted this job, it was not forced upon you? You pursued this particular career because you wanted to, not because you would starve otherwise. You have to make sacrifices in all areas of life and you have chosen to work in this role, at this level. As you now have no mortgage there must be wiggle room to find an alternative if that's what you really want?

I agree the constant comments are an issue but the way you've painted yourself as the hero and him as a waster in this is unpleasant. If that's how you really feel then that's the issue you need to resolve, not that you are somehow put upon for 'having' to have a job.

He's become so incredibly comfortable with the nice, easy lifestyle that your work has given him, that he seems to have entirely forgotten to appreciate you. Sounds like he is taking you for granted.

It's a downward trajectory to divorce, if it continues. You might like to remind him of that.

he’s a lazy cocklodging cunt and should get a job if he wants you home more. And should be doing more anyway. Lazy fucker

Lay out the alternatives. You get a local job on a fraction of the money. He goes back to work etc. Lay them out financially.
It may be his way of signalling he is unhappy. Has he changed his mind about being a sahd, have a discussion about it.
If you were posting as him, what would be post?
If he won't tell you what the issue is and discuss options then he is being a dick. But I couldnt be a full time stay at home parent tbh and probably would end up complaining in the end.
Is it his time to find himself while you step back, you are financially comfortable, maybe look at what the next phase of life could be.

I'm sort of in your husband's position although I work full time. My wife is far more successful in her career and earns big money (around 10x my gross income). She also works longer hours and at times has to stay elsewhere as her department has a presence in other UK cities.

Maybe because I appreciate how hard she works I haven't an issue with all that time she's not at home. I'm surprised your weekend is spent doing chores. I do most of the cooking here and all the washing and ironing. I take the view that it's the least I can do. While I'm doing that she's spending an extra 3 hours a day in the office.

Saying that, all you have to do is scan some of the threads on here and you will see that the higher earning spouse's long working hours is sometimes a source of friction.

Your husband sounds completely ungrateful for your contribution. Can you set out for him how hard your work is? Ask why he can't do the laundry and the shopping during the week. Set out for him the things you would as a family have to go without if you get a lower paid job, and explain he'd have to work full-time and what sort of job would he apply for. And point out to him tht if he doesn't stop with the sly digs and do more cooking and laundry that is what he's facing.

I don't believe in long term stay at home parenting. He probably feels insecure that he can't afford a can of coke and relies on you for his lifestyle.

You are demonstrating to your kids what work means and the sacrifices needed to be successful.

He sounds like a waste of time to be honest.

It's one overnight stay a week. I've seen plenty of threads on here where a man does that (or more). Would the kids like their mum home every night? Yes, probably, but is it necessarily damaging them? I'd hazard a guess not – although it might if he keeps up the putting words in their mouths shit.
There's no compelling reason that things can't be okay with her job as it is. One easy fix, discussed on here, is that he gets off his arse during the week while the kids are at school and the house is getting cleaned by someone else, and does chores so she doesn't spend her precious weekends with the family doing them.

I haven't read the full thread but I presume just from the OP he is a crap husband in other ways too.

I am the lower earner compared to my husband and I have nothing but pity that my own other half has to go away on overnights - nobody wants to do that really do they? unless its glamourous which most work isn't!

I'm grateful and feel bad that my husband has to go away so often.

This man is making you feel crap and is not pulling his weight.

Can I ask a question OP - if the mortgage is paid off -why are you working such long hours? Do you really need to live so far from work?

I think there are other questions here - separate to your relationshpi - are you avoiding being around him ?

He sounds like a terrible partner (he is not working but you batch cook all weekend?!! ) but - I also think your work pattern of leaving the housee at 4am sounds miserable and I just wonder why he can't work part time or you drop some hours if you are so financially secure.