Am I unreasonable over my husband's criticism of my weekly work stay?

[MsRollersk8er]

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am full time breadwinner with a SAHH, I have worked hard and made hard choices to get to where I am in my career. My husband would only ever have earned minimum wage whilst I have made it to C suite. This means that after I had my children I had to work full time and I still struggle with feeling like im not a good enough mum, not good enough at work ect but I have to do this due to the reliance on me for everything financial. The weight is stressful to bear, but I plough on. The money I earn means we own our house outright, we have good savings and have savings for the children in the future. I moved into a new role based in london 2 years ago. This means that once a week I have, for my own sanity to stay overnight as I live in Lancashire. I have to do this to attend the meetings I am expected to attend. Despite everything being down to me my husband does nothing but complain each week about my night away, even putting words in my childrens mouths like oh another night away, that’s not right is it kids, ect. The fact is I don’t want to be away but its my job. My husband doesn’t work, enjoys our lifestyle, we have a cleaner and our children are at school, I feel awful being away but what can I do? Quit and halve my income? I am so stressed out by the constant criticism, im not expecting him to be happy about it but making me feel worse when I already feel terrible I think is not the way to support a partner. Or am I being unreasonable? We knew this about the role before I accepted it.

This.

You deserve better.

Have you never just lost the plot and shouted, ‘Well Brian, if you’d get a fucking job instead of sitting in your arse all day maybe I could work a bit less and wouldn’t have to go to London every week. Is that what you’d prefer? If you’ve got a better plan I am ALL ears.’

Full disclosure: I’m building Our Alcove, a tool around guided relationship conversations, so I tend to look for what’s underneath repeated arguments rather than jumping straight to “who’s right.”

I wonder if the overnight stay has become a symbol of something bigger for both of you. For you, maybe the sore point is: “I’m doing something difficult for our family and I’m still being criticized for it.” For him, maybe it touches something else — overwhelm, resentment, insecurity, feeling left with the load, or feeling he didn’t really choose this setup.

That doesn’t make the criticism okay, but it might explain why the argument keeps repeating.

I’d be tempted to say something like:
“Can we talk about what this brings up for both of us, rather than having the same fight about the overnight? When you criticize me for going, I feel guilty and unsupported in something I’m doing for our family. I want to understand what feels hard for you too, but I also need you to understand what this feels like for me.”

And separately:
“Please don’t bring the children into it. If this is hard for you, I want us to talk about it as adults, not through them.”

It sounds like the real issue may be less about one night in London and more about whether you both feel seen and supported in the trade-offs you’re making.

Start documenting the work you do, especially weekends and mental load. I’d also sit him down and say I’m fed up with the comments, I don’t recall you suggesting you retrain and go back to work so I can take a less intensive job. You’re not exactly a sahm dad given the parenting and family load I do, from now on every time you refer to one of my early starts as me being away, I will work late that day and you will collect the kids and do dinner. You can’t have it both ways, attacking me for working away on days I sprint home and do pick up and dinenr. So that would be Tuesday and Wednesday next week and you’re on your own like many sah mums .

Tell him you'll happily swap places with him.

At the moment DH works away from home 4 nights a week. Neither of us particularly like it, but he’s on a contract and can’t afford to turn down the money. I also work and look after the teens (plus dog, cats and guinea pigs!). He hates being away and sometimes I resent that he gets all this time to himself but we just have a little grumble and move on.

if the kids are in school and you have a cleaner why are you spending all weekend doing housework? What is he doing all day? And why can’t he get a job?

Tell him you’ll happily change jobs so you can be at home then ask him to call and cancel the cleaner as he can do it and ask where he’s going to be working to make up the shortfall. He’s taking the absolute piss, kids at a school, cleaner doing the cleaning and you away, he’s got the life of Riley, stop being a doormat.

There are so many men online who are the family breadwinners and say they would absolutely love it if roles were reversed and they got to just opt out of work and stay home with the children. Most of them are mistaken as they would resent the situation and their lack of status. Your husband sounds rather stupid. He needs to be put straight but he needs to realise it for himself.
There is a danger that he will quite fancy the prospect of shared care, weekends off and being supported by you via maintenance. But you can’t carry on like this. How old are the children?

I think my life would be easier without him but for some reason am too scared to take that final step though do feel I am nearing breaking point.

I do think people should leave if they are unhappy.
However, I can’t help feeling you are trying to escape family life and you leaving your DH and DCs would be your preferred choice.

You say you stay the night in a hotel each week for your ‘own sanity’ - so this is optional then?

If a SAHM came on here complaining about her DH working late and choosing to stay away 1 night a week then they’d get everyone’s sympathy.

You need to prioritise family time and he needs to recognise that having the luxury of being a SAHP means sacrifices in other areas.

What happens on the weekend?
Are you a hands on parent?
Do you and DH get to spend quality time together?

You haven’t read the OP’s post on how she spends the weekends, have you?

One night away is manageable, and I would say that whatever the sex of the poster and even if the other parent was working. He is just being a twat about it.

Outrageous. The men I know whose wives are the main earner are bloody appreciative of it and ensure they facilitate her.

Remember one kid moaning about our girls weekend the dad quick as a flash “think about how much mummy does for us she needs a break”

Commuting from Lancashire to London twice a week would likely mean OP wouldn't see her kids or be able to do housework on those days anyway. So she may as well stay overnight and that way she has at least two days where she can fully focus on work - especially important for the sole earner in a household.

It does not at all come across that she is "trying to escape family life". She literally says "I don't want to be away but it's my job".

Bloody hell op that’s terrible. I would stop the batch cooking and laundry. He should absolutely be capable of cooking during the week, or if he wants to batch cook, do it himself. There is no way a woman staying at home would be that lazy! My DH is away four nights a week and I have no family nearby and three kids, no cleaner and I still work and manage to do housework.
definitely agree you need to seek legal advice, then set him an ultimatum that he needs to step up or you will no longer be facilitating him to do f all!

I don’t t think he gets a choice as he isn’t working!

It’s not a good situation and having been the breadwinner with a SAHH it was not lost on me that if we divorced I would be giving up more than half of my house and pension (mostly gained before our marriage) as well as probably losing residency of the 3 DCs, in your case possibly spousal too.

Like it or not my husband was facilitating my career (and I’ve seen that said the other way round on here many times).

Also I’ve always said for the most part a SAHD is not the same as a SAHM.

The difference is that my DH did not resent me working.

A cautious note though, my DH never went back to work and now the DCs are adults he is basically retired in his 50’s with me racing to build up pension before I can retire in my 60’s.

I think you need to be smart about exit planning here.

First of all you need to step back at work (temporarily) to both reduce your income & increase time with kids.

Encourage him to get a job, the aim here is to look far more equitable in front of a judge. You don’t want a SAHD going to court with you on a high income.
speak to work and ask to go down to 3 days for a year or 2? It may feel drastic but it’s a small proportion of your overall career.

Then you divorce with probably 50:50 asset split & childcare. No spousal maintenance claim etc.

What does he actually do all day? You have a cleaner, you do the laundry at the weekend, you batch cook! Sounds to me as though he’s got too much time on his hands.

I feel for you op
hes a dick

but in a divorce with sahh, no income, low earnings and children you stand you lose way more than 50% of your assets and he’d likely have the children much more

I think you really need to read DH the riot act. Tell him you shouldn't have to point out to a grown adult why you have to go to work. Tell him to grow the fuck up and that if he ever puts you down in front of the kids then you'll make your London job really easy and move there with them and without him. Tell him that realistically he has 2 options. He can accept your job and just get on with being an actual parent to his kids whilst you work away or he can get off his arse and get a job so that you can afford to work at home or work PT. In neither of these scenarios is it necessary or helpful to involve your kids so he needs to cut that shit out right away.

^This.
I too capitulated. I turned down a promotion to head office & director because my husband threatened divorce when the children were preschool age. It didn’t stop the whinging if anything, it emboldened him. It was 8 years before the next promotion offer came to director level. At least I was still in my 30s.

The thing that worried me most was his influence over how the kids thought about my being the breadwinner. We had difficult relationships when they were teenagers because they repeated things he’d said to me so likely said to them. Like all I care about is money and my career, that the kids would be in a boarding school if it weren’t for him sacrificing everything to raise them. But it’s all good now that they are young women. They get it. I’m not sure a boy would have.

Surely they would consider moving closer to her job.

There is a big difference between someone needing to stay away and then choosing to.

If she separates she obviously would not be the residential parent if she works late and needs to do overnights and so would only have the DCs EOW.
A man wanting to separate in this scenario would likely be doing so to get out of family life.

I think the replies would be very different if this was a SAHM.
Multiple posters have asked what ‘he actually does all day’ but on other threads being a SAHP is seen as FT work.

He is not happy.
She is not happy.
Something needs to give here.
I think moving closer would be a good solution as then she’d be travelling and staying away less.

Tell him that realistically he has 2 options. He can accept your job and just get on with being an actual parent to his kids whilst you work away or he can get off his arse and get a job so that you can afford to work at home or work PT.

I am not picking on this poster OP, it’s just conveniently the closest example of what several posters have advised. All I want to say is I would not give him the second option. This opens the door to well I can’t get a job until you cut back your job. In my experience too, anyone that has been off home with the kids will have fallen down the ladder, and men suffer more of a parent penalty due to society expecting it of women but seeing men who do this as unemployed for reasons of laziness or incompetence rather than wanting to be a SAHD. It is highly unlikely he can get a job that would generate enough income for you to cut back. I would not open that Pandora’s box.

There are no options. If he wants to work that is great, but do not compromise your job in some misguided belief he needs that to find a job/build a career. He doesn’t. The two of you can outsource childcare and both have careers.

Yes it’s full time work when they are little. I’ve seen many women get slated for being in this dhs situation (no job school age kids) so I wouldn’t worry about that!

You didn't get to C suite without some people management skills. Use them to improve his performance at home.

Talk openly about expectations of each other and improvements needed.

You are over-performing ...