Am I unreasonable over my husband's criticism of my weekly work stay?

[MsRollersk8er]

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am full time breadwinner with a SAHH, I have worked hard and made hard choices to get to where I am in my career. My husband would only ever have earned minimum wage whilst I have made it to C suite. This means that after I had my children I had to work full time and I still struggle with feeling like im not a good enough mum, not good enough at work ect but I have to do this due to the reliance on me for everything financial. The weight is stressful to bear, but I plough on. The money I earn means we own our house outright, we have good savings and have savings for the children in the future. I moved into a new role based in london 2 years ago. This means that once a week I have, for my own sanity to stay overnight as I live in Lancashire. I have to do this to attend the meetings I am expected to attend. Despite everything being down to me my husband does nothing but complain each week about my night away, even putting words in my childrens mouths like oh another night away, that’s not right is it kids, ect. The fact is I don’t want to be away but its my job. My husband doesn’t work, enjoys our lifestyle, we have a cleaner and our children are at school, I feel awful being away but what can I do? Quit and halve my income? I am so stressed out by the constant criticism, im not expecting him to be happy about it but making me feel worse when I already feel terrible I think is not the way to support a partner. Or am I being unreasonable? We knew this about the role before I accepted it.

I would ask him directly.."What's the issue with me having to be away for 1 night a week?"

My gut instinct is he thinks you are having a lovely time being away whilst he's doesn't have similar opportunities. Although a night away with work isn't quite a jolly.

Have this conversation away from the children. If he persists with raising it infront of the children after you have had a conversation then you will need to respond, age appropriately, Infront of the children.

If he feels resentment that you are away and you resent having to be away then it needs working on because it's a relationship killer.

Could you get to a stage where income could be dropped? If mortgage paid off when are you likely to be able to downsize lifestyle?

Issue is your one night away it’s your husband’s lack of support. Guilt-tripping you and dragging the children into it would be a big problem for me.

You’re carrying the financial responsibility for the entire family, yet instead of appreciation, you’re getting criticism. If this arrangement was agreed before you took the role, complaining about it two years later achieves nothing. He sounds like an ungrateful arse!

If the children are in school, why is all the financial pressure still on you? Why isn’t he contributing, even part-time? Hypothetically speaking if you were to seperate would you end up supporting him financially as he has not been working for sometime?

Why would he only ever have been able to work minimum wage? Even jobs with no barrier to entry lead to promotion and then one can supervise and manage others doing the same work?

I think he's trying to put you down because he knows he's just dossing about doing whatever he likes while you work and provide absolutely everything.

What would he say to getting a job? SAHP isn't really a thing once kids get to about 12, especially with a cleaner. He could at least do part time work?

What is it with high earning women and useless men who don’t work? If your kids are in school and you have a cleaner, just what is this prince filing his days with? even if you don’t need the money , he could be volunteering.

Completely unreasonable. I’m in a similar position. Have at least one if not two nights away each week, and because of the early start for the travel and later return that’s 2 or 3 days a week I’m away from home. My husband works full time too, but manages breakfast club/after school drop offs and pick ups and ferry’s the kids to evening activities after that as well. He doesn’t complain at all (beyond the reasonable stuff about kids occasionally playing him up or trying to balance a hectic work schedule whilst juggling everything). We have a cleaner, I make sure the food shop is done and he knows what’s there for meals - usually batch cook on a weekend so he has easy stuff to heat up, etc. as that’s not his forte. I occasionally have to remind him to chuck a load of washing in mid week, but overall he’s pretty good. I try and make it as easy as possible for him and we have a good routine going. The kids know I have to travel for work, and we speak every night I’m away - it’s the norm for them now. It’s hardwork, but I could only do it because my DH is so supportive. On the days I’m not away I try and manage my diary so I can do some school pick up etc.

I agree with the pps saying you could offer to find a job closer to home with much lower pay. He will have to get a job if the kids are at school.

It always comes up in these threads, so yes, I would 100% say the same thing if the roles were reversed and you were a sahm with a high earning husband working away.

I was a sahm when mine were very little but understood that I needed to go back to work as soon as they qualified for free childcare. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone, (speaking about my household only btw, absolutely no judgement), to stay at home while my dh worked full-time as we wouldn't have had that comfortable an income on one salary.

I think you need to have a sit down conversation with him and say that, unless he can come up with a solution that doesn't involve you driving yourself to exhaustion, he needs to stop making it an issue and trying to guilt you in front of the children.

I do get a sense that you have a low opinion of him from what you said about his earning capacity. Maybe he needs to be using this time at home to retrain so he can increase his earning power so eventually you can take your foot off the pedal if you want to.

If you feel like contempt and resentment are creeping into the relationship, you should really get into joint counselling before it solidifies.

Exactly this. Doesn’t sound like you have it easy. I don’t understand why he can’t work you have a cleaner and the kids are at school. Might make him more appreciative of you if he worked.

Exactly this
he sounds like a total drain on you mentally, physically and financially!

get rid of him and get a Nanny instead

I think that if one partner is feeling this way then it's important to sit down and discuss things in an adult fashion. He's not happy with you being away overnight one night each week, and you're not happy with the pressure that being the sole breadwinner brings. The most logical step is to meet in the middle - he gets a job to take the pressure off you, and you scale things back a bit so that he's not doing an overnight on his own each week.

It sounds like very frank conversations are needed as there is resentment on both sides. It is also concerning that the OPs children are party to this. No one is happy in this situation so something has to give.

He’s complaining about one night a week? Which means he doesn’t have to work or do very much childcare?

Wow! What does he expect you to do? I’m guessing he’s not pushing to get a job so you don’t have to be the sole financial provider for the family?

Why does he not work even PT he sounds like a lazy, critical, jealous man. Is he right for you?

Sack the cleaner so he has less time to spend complaining?

Joking. But YANBU.

It's only a night a s if your making life extremely financially comfortable he will have to pull his big boy undies up and get on with it . From his perspective do you think he maybe feels like your escaping or leaving them behind to love the high life in London once a week? Do younmage to have some quality time together when your not working

I agree with this in principle, but who will look after the children? Would he go for full custody - if so, what are the chances of him getting it, and how would @MsRollersk8er feel about this? Would she be able to afford wrap-around care if she were to have the children 50%+, and would this set-up even be realistically possible?

It’s tricky…… she’d have to tread carefully and seek legal advice, investigate how courts have ruled in similar circumstances - as there is a risk that she might end up working to pay him child support whilst only seeing her children one or two days a week.

The reality is that your income is keeping the bills paid for you, him and the kids. He is living in a mortgage free house, you have savings and he has a cleaner in the house. Your kids are in school each day so what is he doing then?

Tell him that your delighted he bought up the fact that you have to stay away a night a week because of work because it made you realise that it's time he got a job and started to pay towards all the bills.
Tell him that your not putting up with him making nasty comments in front of the kids when you have to stay away for work.

I think he has some cheek making comments like this to you considering without your work and income he would not have his current comfortable lifestyle.
I start cutting back his access to your money.
Give him a weekly allowance like a child get pocket money and query every penny he spends. I would also stop his golf or gym membership if he has these. Query all the bills.
Tell him that the cleaner cost x amount a week and unfortunately you might cancel this as you could do with the money. Tell him he has plenty of time to clean the house. Tell him I might consider keeping on the cleaner if you got a job.

I know a couple in your position and her husband became a sahd after becoming unemployed. He stayed at home for a few years during the expensive childcare stage. He then trained as a special needs assistant and got a job as a sna in the local school. He was grateful that his wife had her job and he was not complaining at the time when she was home late. He then went back to work to increase there income because the kids were that bit older.

In your situation I would chat to a solicitor about getting a divorce and see what would happen to him. I know it might cost you a bit now but let him move into a cheap hmo and get a min wage job and see what life is like in the real world.

I know couple that are both working and it about give and take. He is not working and has no additional income but meanwhile your keeping the ship afloat so to speak. At this stage he should be looking for a job and figuring out how to make things easier for you and not criticise your current effort.

I would die on this hill. Complaining about 1 night away, this is atrocious. I would have completely lost my temper by now, and putting words in the kids mouths is dreadful too.

I would actually be looking to leave a man like this. He sounds absolutely toxic. How dare he. Why are you with him?

You posted about him in
Jan 2025. As you are a very high earner you do have plenty of options. You mentioned about planning a path to exit

Dh is a company director who sometimes travels for work and works on site on day a week. He is home that night, but late. I used to have a big London job and commute, but had to give it up due to illness. Dh is our sole breadwinner and we have a lovely life. I spend my days shuttling the kids around, sorting the house and dinner, napping (due to chronic illness) and attending hospital appointments.

I am incredibly grateful that dh’s hard work and business success means that I haven’t been forced back to work before I’m well enough. My contribution is that I keep everything ticking over at home and, yes, sometimes I do that when Dh is away.

Fwiw, before I got ill, Dh did all that PLUS had to take over at home on the nights when I worked later or had an overnight in London.

It sounds like he’s burnt out and bored because he’s not doing anything particularly fulfilling in life. It’s time to use his days to get back into work, retrain, volunteer, something meaningful to give him purpose. He is blessed to have his health and the option to do so. I’d give my right arm to be well enough to retrain and work again.

Thanks everyone for your views - don’t know if this makes a difference but I do also sometimes work late on other nights but am nearly always able to wfh on a monday or friday. That is why years ago he quit his job - because of being there for the kids. (And dogs) in theory it was supposed to make things easier for us but the constant put downs and criticism is really impacting me. I have national travel so sometimes will be out the house at 4am and not back till 6/7pm. On those days he also counts that as me being ‘away’ even though I am back from bedtime and often kids club pick ups. I am afraid if I split that he would get the children full time. I spend all weekend washing ironing, batch cooking, food shopping, doing kids clubs I carry all the mental load for birthdays, holidays, weekends, financial planning ect. I think my life would be easier without him but for some reason am too scared to take that final step though do feel I am nearing breaking point. I think about the decisions I make at work and feel ashamed about how obvious the decision is I need to make here but can’t. Will read all your points and seriously start to think about whats next thanks x

I fully understand that you feel scared, but have you ever sought competent, in-depth advice about your legal situation? Have you looked into how courts have ruled in similar circumstances?

Unless you take active steps to try and find a way to leave him this will just continue until the children leave home.

Nb: what does he actually do all day if you spend your entire weekends catching up with absolutely everything?

Next time he says this, say 'OK, you let me know when you've got a job that pays what mine does, and then I can stop the nights away for work. How does that sound, everyone?'

I'd also respond to 'that's not right' with 'Explain it to me, what’s not right about it?' Make him verbalise his sexism.

Do you think he would want the kids if he moans about you being away? When DH was away for work I used to love it.