Am I unreasonable over my husband's criticism of my weekly work stay?

[MsRollersk8er]

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am full time breadwinner with a SAHH, I have worked hard and made hard choices to get to where I am in my career. My husband would only ever have earned minimum wage whilst I have made it to C suite. This means that after I had my children I had to work full time and I still struggle with feeling like im not a good enough mum, not good enough at work ect but I have to do this due to the reliance on me for everything financial. The weight is stressful to bear, but I plough on. The money I earn means we own our house outright, we have good savings and have savings for the children in the future. I moved into a new role based in london 2 years ago. This means that once a week I have, for my own sanity to stay overnight as I live in Lancashire. I have to do this to attend the meetings I am expected to attend. Despite everything being down to me my husband does nothing but complain each week about my night away, even putting words in my childrens mouths like oh another night away, that’s not right is it kids, ect. The fact is I don’t want to be away but its my job. My husband doesn’t work, enjoys our lifestyle, we have a cleaner and our children are at school, I feel awful being away but what can I do? Quit and halve my income? I am so stressed out by the constant criticism, im not expecting him to be happy about it but making me feel worse when I already feel terrible I think is not the way to support a partner. Or am I being unreasonable? We knew this about the role before I accepted it.

This was me. My Ex didn’t work, even when I had cancer and as I was self employed I had to work as much as I could to cover our bills.

Also we had a cleaner and I killed myself carrying the mental load and feeling like a bad mum. He was like some dandy, drinking coffee and moaning about me all the time to the other mums.

The thought of losing my kids stopped me getting divorced until I couldn’t stand it any longer.

What shouts out at me is your DH is offside and not thinking about you or your needs. When do you ever relax or get cared for yourself?

Mine are now late teens, early 20’s. Divorce isn’t any fun but as my username says, I’m divorced but happy now. Married to a lovely man who is an equal. Has a successful career like me and we are totally aligned. And whom I respect!

Just get yourself a good lawyer. You won’t lose them. You WFH 2 days a week and are part of their lives.

My divorce felt complex as I own a business and my lazy Ex had this fake job invoicing clients. I had to make him redundant 🤣. But my lawyer got me a fair deal. And my kids were old enough to choose where they lived. We had one each.

Onwards OP. You need to be living the life you deserve after all that hard work and be cherished and appreciated.

With the kids at school what does he actually do all day with you doing so much all weekend? Do you ever get time to relax? You should be spending the weekend doing something fun with the kids and enjoying family time, not doing a load more work! If he's not going to do it you'd be better off getting a mother's help to do school run/laundry/dinner - your dh could work to pay for that.

Trust me op he doesn't want the kids full time. That's what is driving this. He doesn't enjoy the parenting bit. He likes the staying at home doing what he pleases, but not any associated work.

why are you doing so much on weekends when he is a SAHD. He might aswell go back to work.

Change your own mind set. Respond with a positive, loving comment every time...

I know, I miss you all so much too!

I'm so glad you miss me because I miss you.

It's hard but you have your dear devoted Dad and we can afford a beautiful life because I work and stay over sometimes.

Yes, it's hard but we all love our holidays and new trainers.

It's not that bad. I'll be home in two days and we don't have to sell the car!

You'll be fine and dandy without me. You are all winners. Love you.

It's fine! Truly, you are learning lessons of independence ready for when you have high input jobs.

Why do you think he’ll get the kids full time?

My DH worked away full time for the first 18 months of DD’s life. We live around 3 hours from London and for the last 5 years I’ve have jobs that take me away from home a lot more than yours does - I currently do every other week from London.

DD is almost 16 and DH is a fully functioning man with a more than full time job (own business) and I do none of this (except some holiday/weekend planning):

I spend all weekend washing ironing, batch cooking, food shopping, doing kids clubs I carry all the mental load for birthdays, holidays, weekends, financial planning ect.

You don’t say how old your children are but how old are your children? Why are you having to do all of this? Why can’t your husband do it? You are in a tricky position because he most likely would get at least 50/50 childcare and assets were you to split.

To be honest I would be working out an exist strategy. I would tell him to get a job if had an issue with my working hours.

He probably misses you and worries that he is missing out. I would sit down and talk to him about how it makes you feel. Perhaps it’s time for him to consider going back to work if he needs more in his life

If you do choose to stay married, tell him it's time to retrain - you'll support him for X time while he does that, and then it's time for him to get back to work.

Or he can leave now, and enjoy paying all his own bills on minimum wage. Ick.

We relocated from London to Yorkshire many years ago. My partner has a full time job locally and we both need to be in the office 1 day a week minimum. I commute down once a week, which I can just about manage leaving on the first train and returning late evening. I don’t see the children on that day but overall it balances out as I am working from home the rest of the week and despite working long hours, can manage seeing them / pick-ups / clubs around that. I occasionally stay overnight to make the London trip more worthwhile and if I was ever required to be in the office for two days a week that’s what the only default option would be. Does the reality of your overnight in London effectively mean two nights without being home to see the children?
All this to say that this seems entirely reasonable to me. You’d unlikely get the same job anywhere locally both in terms of variety of work/industry and salary. Presumably when you either took this job or were promoted it was on the understanding of the implications for home life and your husband was aware?
There are a lot of people immediately jumping to leaving him/planning to separate. To me this seems very extreme, although only you know how you feel about the relationship. It certainly sounds like you’re carrying the majority of the work, mental and home loads. I also agree with posters when they ask what he does all day and how he contributes. There is no reason why he shouldn’t now be looking to go back to work. He will have no pension of his own which despite a good salary / mortgage free etc is a big burden for you to carry into later years. He sounds like his comments are from a position of insecurity about his own life choices.
It’s easy to drift apart when children are small and you coexist with each other. Even more so when your lives become so very different with one having a busy career and the other doing nothing. Perhaps you need to spend some time together figuring out whether this is a relationship you want to continue to work on and how you can become less resentful of the positions you’ve both taken within the household.
A red line is making comments in front of the children which undermines the work you’re doing for the family. My children know I’m away one day a week, this is just fact, there is no big deal made of it. They understand I have to do it as part of my job that brings money into the house. I don’t feel guilty about this at all, nor should you be made to feel that way.

One night away per week? Is he ok? YANBU OP and you’ve done very well - you should be proud of yourself.

What a strange reply. Why on earth should she do this? 😂

For someone who must be quite assertive and confident at work, you're letting this loser walk all over you at home. I'm afraid I'd be returning fire with these comments:

I have to work because I'm the successful one honey
How do you think we're paying the mortgage?
Sorry kids, but dad will look after you while I'm paying for you

Channel your successful work self. Treat him like an underperforming employee and divorce the loser.

He sounds a wanker. Tell him he needs to get a job.

Tell him that you will be happy top take a step down from the job that is funding his and his children's lifestyle, as long as he gets a job that covers the shortfall. Absolute bell end! I would also be asking him to stop bringing children into adults conversations!

What does he actually contribute if you are either paying someone to, or doing all the grunt work? I wouldn't mind being a SAHD if i had a wife, cleaner and school aged kids!!

You need to decide what is most important to you and go for that. If your house is paid off and you have savings, you surely don't need such a high paid job?

Personally i'd be getting ducks in a row, moving to a more local even if much lower paid job (one with enough flexibility to manage 50:50) and working out what settlement i'd get and what i could afford to buy, ideally outright.

I can't believe I'm reading this. What does he actually do? Why do you have to spend your weekends cleaning and cooking, what on earth is he doing in the week when the kids are at school?

Why are you paying for a cleaner? What exactly is he doing? Bare minimum?

I think next time he brings the kids into it I’d be responding something like, ‘yep kids, someone’s gotta bring the pennies in!’ If they’re at school they’re old enough to have an understanding that to make money for nice things you have to work. And since daddy doesn’t then mammy has to. Cheeky fucker he is. Nothing wrong with SAH parents but that’s a role like any other and he ain’t fulfilling it. Particularly not with his whinging.

OP I'm sure the starting point of custody would be 50/50 especially as you can evidence that you're an involved parent that arranges everything, SAHP doesn't automaticallymean full custody. I would quietly start getting my ducks in a row and speak to a solicitor, it sounds like you could afford a good one, also speaking to a solocitor doesn't mean you have to pull the trigger, just means you have a better idea of what your options are. Take care OP, him weaponising the children is abuse for you and them, do not stand for it. Xx

I feel awful being away but what can I do? Quit and halve my income?

You have paid off the mortgage. He's asking you to re-evaluate your home work life balance.

If you have paid off the mortgage, you do not need to work away one day a week. If you still have kids at home you are young enough to still put away enough money for the future.

You are valuing money over family and are in a rare position of being able to make decisions like step back to a job which won't pay as much. A lot of people aren't.

Instead of focusing on berating him look at how his earning potential is much lower look at how you have the luxury to work away from home and make the choice to be away. Your values are all financial - his are family based.

Stop and look around. The kids will be gone in a few short years. Blink and you will miss it.

why on earth should op give up a c suite level job just because her husband? Who sounds lazy and entitled and who benefits massively from it can’t handle her being away 1 night. Utterly ridiculous

Your husband is taking the piss! He should be doing all chores and food shop if he isn’t working - ALL OF IT!

Honestly, I would have a quiet talk with the kids without him there and tell them in an age appropriate way that you miss them of course, but the money you earn pays for the house, food etc and that this is the best solution for the family at the moment. But that if they do have worries you’d be really happy to discuss them.

Him- on the other hand- I would go absolutely fucking mental, tell him that this was all part of the job and he knew it, that your salary pays for everything in the house, and that if he’s got an issue with this the way to discuss it is reasonably in private not through sexist digs via the kids. If he does it ever again in front of them tell him that you’ll split the households, relocate to closer to London with the kids and he can live in a shitty 1 bed and see his kids every other weekend. You’ve got to get tough.

Also tell him that since you’re working from home you think he should get a part time job at least (does he really need to not work at all?). This will be useful if you split up. Plus if he’s got less time on his hands maybe he’ll be a bit less of a complaining dick.

Obviously if you being away is putting an unbelievable strain on him it would be reasonable for him to discuss it with you but (a) not like this, and (b) I don’t think that’s the issue. He’s enjoying controlling and abusing you because he feels inferior.