Am I unreasonable over my husband's criticism of my weekly work stay?

[MsRollersk8er]

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am full time breadwinner with a SAHH, I have worked hard and made hard choices to get to where I am in my career. My husband would only ever have earned minimum wage whilst I have made it to C suite. This means that after I had my children I had to work full time and I still struggle with feeling like im not a good enough mum, not good enough at work ect but I have to do this due to the reliance on me for everything financial. The weight is stressful to bear, but I plough on. The money I earn means we own our house outright, we have good savings and have savings for the children in the future. I moved into a new role based in london 2 years ago. This means that once a week I have, for my own sanity to stay overnight as I live in Lancashire. I have to do this to attend the meetings I am expected to attend. Despite everything being down to me my husband does nothing but complain each week about my night away, even putting words in my childrens mouths like oh another night away, that’s not right is it kids, ect. The fact is I don’t want to be away but its my job. My husband doesn’t work, enjoys our lifestyle, we have a cleaner and our children are at school, I feel awful being away but what can I do? Quit and halve my income? I am so stressed out by the constant criticism, im not expecting him to be happy about it but making me feel worse when I already feel terrible I think is not the way to support a partner. Or am I being unreasonable? We knew this about the role before I accepted it.

I would sit him down & say - I know you hate the overnights so Im moving roles to one which has none but is half the pay, so he will need to get a job. Act all excited like you are fixing a problem for him 🤣

He's a dick.

Unless you're the kind of working parent who does fuck all when actually at home - and I'm guessing that's 100% NOT the case - what on earth is his issue with one night a week that facilitates this lifestyle?

my DH was a SAHD for a while. I worked long hours in the City. He never complained and, like most women, I definitely did my bit when I was home, night wakenings etc. It wouldn't have occurred to him to complain if I had to spend a night away. He still doesn't, come to think of it, even though he works as well now.

Sounds horrible, I’m so sorry. He’s just jealous that you get a night away, - he can’t help that either, it’s human nature.
However it’s not fair to articulate this and particularly not to bring the kids into it. Cant you just say: “I don’t have a choice about staying away, unless you want to get a job?” Surely that will shut him up.

If he wants you to work in a less demanding role he needs to be working.

If the kids are at school maybe he should get a pt job

I would tell him that’s fine you’ll go part time and he needs to go out and find a full time job to make up lost income.

I am in a similar situation. My wife, who works but earns a fraction of what I do, thanks me every week for working hard for our family. She picks up all the slack at home and I thank her for that.

your husband is a dick

He can get a job
if the kids are at school what’s the issue and there’s a cleaner so he has tonnes of free time. is your home immaculate, does he do all the chores?

Jesus - he needs to stop whining
its not like you’re deployed in the army for 6 months at a time

So, children are at school and there’s a cleaner…….. so what does he do all day?

Has it ever occurred to him to study for some qualifications or find another way of getting ship-shape for at least a part time job?

I agree with PP. Tell him you are so upset at his comments, you have decided to get a job near home for less than half the salary, and he will need to start working.

I would not stand for that OP. I regularly travel for work, earn good money and my husband would never criticise me like that and he has a good job.
I would sit him down and bloody remind him what you are bringing to the table. From your post kids are at school, you have a cleaner so what in Christs name is he bringing to the table that allows him to criticise you. When the teens are being unhelpful and going on silly I threaten to down tools sell the big house and move into a small semi D.

I kind of wonder what he does all day?

You sound really stressed @MsRollersk8er and he sounds unsupportive. And probably lazy - a cleaner and the DC are at school? Nice life if you can get it.

My husband doesn’t work, enjoys our lifestyle, we have a cleaner and our children are at school, I feel awful being away but what can I do?

The children are at school so don’t need a SAH parent, male or female. He needs a job so you aren’t stressed about bringing in all the money and paying all the bills. What a lazy man.

My husband has always been ‘supportive’ of my career except when it comes to me actually going to work and him having to pick up the slack at home. He would rather die than admit he doesn’t want a wife who out earns him and he has to pitch in 50/50. When our kids were small I circumnavigated this with really expensive childcare. I left my dream job for a lesser job (with the same salary- I’m not an idiot) because I couldn’t take the tension at home any more. I work less hours now with a much shorter commute and he still expresses unhappiness at the beginning of a week when we’re working out who needs to do what and where- because, guess what, he doesn’t want to actually do any of it. But admitting that makes him a bad father so it’s easier to point the finger at me and criticise my hours.

I have zero time for it and so should you OP. Don’t do what I did and capitulate. Just grey rock any whinging about having to parent and raise his own children and do his own dishes. I bet, like me, you pick up 75%+ of the domestic/mental load, so let him have a whinge and crack on with your job.

I mean this really. If he doesn’t like your current role and you being away you have two options - move closer to your job so you don’t have to stay overnight or find a closer role and he has to go back to work to make up the difference in income.

or you could just say ‘fuck it, the house is paid off, we can simplify our lives and I’ll quit and you go to work’

Fucking hell op you need to have a very serious word with him. He either stops it right now or he is out on his ear. That is absolutely and totally not ok and you have to make it clear that you are furious about this and will not accept it for even one more week.

My OH works shifts, often 3 or 4 nights a week. It’s part of the deal and he can’t change jobs. I was a SAHM and now work full time too. I don’t enjoy doing it all but there is no alternative. Tell him to suck it up.

I'd agree with ignoring him and cracking on, if it weren't for the fact that he's bringing the kids into this, trying to get them to agree with him that she shouldn't be staying overnight. This will start to influence them.

Maybe ask him how he’d feel if you responded ‘well mummy has to go away to earn money so daddy can sit around all day watching the cleaner while you’re at school’

bringing the kids into it is unacceptable

He's a moaning layabout and needs to get a job and relieve some of the pressure on you. And yes, I'd say the same if the sexes were reversed. How on earth can you find him attractive?

I was in your position, minus the ungrateful husband. I wouldn’t issue any ultimatums, I would very carefully work out what an exit would look like financially and practically, then make plans accordingly.

In the short term I’d explain how you’re feeling and how you expect him to support you. If he falls short, deploy your plan.

No good parent would weaponise their children to score points. Keep that front and centre.

This - he can’t have it both ways

I work away one week in four and am away Monday morning to Friday evening. None of us love it. We all know that it is the only way I can earn the money that I am earning and live here, and that is the compromise we all make. For now, earning money is a family priority. I agree with PP -- tell him you have found another job so you don't have to travel but he will have to work to make up the salary difference and see what he says. Then have a proper conversation about trade-offs.