Am I unreasonable over my husband's criticism of my weekly work stay?

[MsRollersk8er]

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am full time breadwinner with a SAHH, I have worked hard and made hard choices to get to where I am in my career. My husband would only ever have earned minimum wage whilst I have made it to C suite. This means that after I had my children I had to work full time and I still struggle with feeling like im not a good enough mum, not good enough at work ect but I have to do this due to the reliance on me for everything financial. The weight is stressful to bear, but I plough on. The money I earn means we own our house outright, we have good savings and have savings for the children in the future. I moved into a new role based in london 2 years ago. This means that once a week I have, for my own sanity to stay overnight as I live in Lancashire. I have to do this to attend the meetings I am expected to attend. Despite everything being down to me my husband does nothing but complain each week about my night away, even putting words in my childrens mouths like oh another night away, that’s not right is it kids, ect. The fact is I don’t want to be away but its my job. My husband doesn’t work, enjoys our lifestyle, we have a cleaner and our children are at school, I feel awful being away but what can I do? Quit and halve my income? I am so stressed out by the constant criticism, im not expecting him to be happy about it but making me feel worse when I already feel terrible I think is not the way to support a partner. Or am I being unreasonable? We knew this about the role before I accepted it.

Once the children are at school there's no reason for the SAH parent to not have a job. Even though it sounds like you've got the financial and housing stuff sorted, why can't he be volunteering or have a part time job? I say the same about mums or dads in that situation.

As for the sly digs at you being away overnight, he's being pathetic, especially getting the kids in on it. I am away overnight more than my husband is due to the nature of our jobs - I have more national events, meetings and conferences, he has a job that's very specifically linked to a physical place locally. It's not super frequent but it's known that it's not a jolly and it's inconvenient to me in some ways and it's necessary.

I assume you want your children to have big adventurous lives and not feel like they have to stay in one place forever and ever, that you want them to be ambitious. Him belittling you and your work and your responsibilities gnaws away at that in them. If he's making them see you as the bad guy, does he intend to raise kids without careers and interests and big ideas? Does he want them to talk to their future spouses like that? I doubt it, I'm guessing it's all coming from a place of jealousy and small mindedness, of underlying emasculation and boredom.

Sit down with him and have a grown up conversation. It is a privilege to be in a position where you don't need to work but the cost in his situation is that you're absent one night of the week.

Bollocks.

I don’t work away because of a mortgage (only £5k left on it in any case). Maybe OP wants her children to have options around private school, hobbies, university without massive debts, house deposits, worldwide travel, support for any learning challenges or the ability to retire early and comfortably.

I’d try counselling and honestly if he doesn’t hear you after that, I’d seek a divorce. there may be things that come out through counselling like him being resentful etc and also are you really conscious of how much he is doing? It should be a partnership and you should both value each others contribution. You obviously see his lack of career as a shortcoming based on how you’ve described it above - I don’t think that is very fair. You wouldn’t have the career you have without him ‘working’ at home probably. Would you feel worse if you had paid childcare instead of a parent at home?? You need to work through your guilt and understand what’s really there for you. And he needs to be heard aswell. After if you make no progress you are lucky in that it sounds like you can buy in the help that he does provide.
Im not sure you’d be happier though….

How does he not realise how unusual (and fortunate) it is to be a stay at home parent with a cleaner when the kids are at school? Surely this isn’t common amongst your friends / family members? I know very few people in this situation.

This is not a criticism of you - but I am left wondering why you are spending your weekends doing boring chores like batch cooking when you have the money to outsource them? I am a sahm with a busy husband and I get very grumpy when he doesn't spend quality family time with us on the weekends. If he doesn't spend time with me I get very resentful and unsupportive of his work. Do you think this could be what your husband is feeling as well?

This, taking into account the cleaner and you running yourself ragged every weekend, what the hell does he actually do all day? Time to look at an exit strategy.

This is an abusive relationship where he weaponises your children.

Wake up.
He doesn't care a bit for you.

You badly need good legal advice.
This is not a good man.

Why are you doing it all, and paying for it all?
Why have you allowed this?

You are the family work horse for a lazy arse.

He is not happy.
Have the conversation.
Suggest the house is sold and you both go your separate ways.
See how he feels about that.
He has a fool made of you.

Look at your hours.
You may need to reduce them if you wish to share custody.

But doing it all and paying for it all is not sustainable.

Get legal advice.

Putting words into my children’s mouths like that’s not right etc - that’s the bit that particularly bothers me, presenting you in a negative light to the DC when it is the opposite.

It's HIS fault that she's busy doing household shit at weekends!
What is he doing when he's got his whole week/fortnight/19 days off and the kids are at school and they have a cleaner?
If he stepped up and did his share, she'd be able to spend quality time with him and the kids.

He's being a real dick and needs to stop highlighting it as a negative to the kids. I'm a SAHM without a cleaner and DH travels tonnes, I wouldn't dream of moaning. I say to the kid's that daddy has to go away to make the money to look after us and are very lucky he does that for us because he'd rather be at home.

I'm in two minds about this though, OP and her DH obviously have a communication problem and some built up resentment from both sides.

How do we know this isn't stemming from him having to be the main caregiver for kids that aren't getting to see their mum as much as they want to and are upset by that, she is coming home at the weekends and busying herself 'all weekend' with chores that are completely unnecessary weekend chores and could easily be outsourced for the most part, she is choosing to put chores and shopping and cooking before spending time with her kids, why? Where is the quality time?

I don't agree with this sort of manipulation, but I can 100% see why her DH and kids have an 'us against her' dynamic right now, this sort of thing happens when resentment builds up unaddressed, I doubt the overnight stay is the problem in itself, it's just looks like another example of OP choosing work/chores over her husband and kids.

He's bullying you OP. You're doing EVERYTHING and what is he doing other than belittling you, while living off you? He obviously feels emasculated but that's his problem, not yours. Tell him, fine, you'll cut down your hours but that means he'll have to get a job. How would he react to that?

I mean, I wouldn't bother with someone who treated me like this but I know it can be hard to leave.

If he has a problem/thinks the kids are unhappy, it's up to HIM to use his words like a big boy and sit her down and have a conversation with her about it.
And, I've already said this, but there's no need for them to outsource the things she does at weekends; HE should be doing them. And he should take at least a share of the mental load.
(In actual fact, let's face it; it'd be her who organised all the outsourcing).

Definitely get legal advice if you're thinking about leaving - as the full-time carer right now he might be able to get f/t custody and also child support from you (likely) which might make it more of an incentive for him to carry on being a SAHD at your expense.

Unfortunately, with him being a SAHP, if they split, she is going to have to pay shit loads of CM and also risk him getting majority custody because he'll be able to argue (incorrectly, but on paper) that he's the primary carer and that she has to leave for work by 4am, is gone for 14 hours, and has nights away.

She'd be better off forcing him back to work now by changing her job or cutting her hours. She'd be completely within her rights to do so, because he's so unhappy about her being away once a week.

Yes do this!! Wow he should be supporting you.

I think what you wrote is absolutely sound advice, as long as both partners are quite self aware and not selfish.

My concern is that OP's DH does not seem to understand that his comfy life is being entirely funded by OP and that he is in quite a luxurious position - he doesn't seem to have any self awareness.

School aged kids being dealt with by 1 parent for 1 night a week is not really a big ask in return for lots of leisure time, assistance with domestic chores and a good lifestyle and secure, comfortable, paid for home.

For example, he has a cleaner - not many SAHPs have cleaners. She also does a lot of "wife work" - birthdays, scheduling, organising food shop etc.

What does he actually do with his time @MsRollersk8er ?

@SirChenjins your advice is great but I fear OP's DH is actually quite selfish and lazy, which complicates things.

🤣🤣🤣 Brilliant!

OP, he's being a dick. He needs some harsh words from you.

The weekend chores that you consider unnecessary should be done by HIM when the kids are at school! What does he do with that free time?

IF he had done those what you deem unnecessary chores during the week then of course the OP would have the luxury of coming home at the weekend and focusing 100% on family time. He has no excuse. He has the school hours around pick up and drop offs and he has a cleaner. So he has time to spread out the chores over the week to make sure that when OP does get home from a week away, there is nothing much left to be done and they can all focus on family time and re-connecting.

In fact, if he was smart, he could do things in such a way that when OP gets back from the night away, if the basic chores are completed - she tags in and spends most of her time with the kids and then HE could actually get some down time for himself. Win win - she gets to spend quality time with the kids and catch up with what is going on with them and he gets an absolutely valid opportunity to go and do something for himself of his choosing. No one would begrudge that.

The problem with dealing with lazy selfish people (men) is that they are so self absorbed and short sighted and self centred they can't see that they are onto a good deal when they have one.

But if you had no family, you would be working just the same, wouldn't you?

I was a SAHM for many years. It is pretty soul destroying and confidence draining.

So is there abundant child care for when he decides to work at what he would find fulfilling? Maybe .

Ok the DCs are at school but who else is home all day for you to socialise with and the school run -though it’s a walk if you’re a SAhP usually -is tedious and tying

He needs to work out what he wants -well he wants to be the OP, busy, successful, getting away on their own regularly- but he is presumably not up to that - what could he do that earns a bit and gets him out of the house

I think getting rid of him and hiring a live in nanny would be better for your mental health.

Seconded. Honestly, I just couldn’t be arsed with a man like this.

This. Perhaps also suggest that you are willing to reduce your hours or change to a lesser paid job just as soon as he accepts a job offer which makes up the lost income.

Tell him to get a job, the lazy bastard.