Am I unreasonable over my husband's criticism of my weekly work stay?

[MsRollersk8er]

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am full time breadwinner with a SAHH, I have worked hard and made hard choices to get to where I am in my career. My husband would only ever have earned minimum wage whilst I have made it to C suite. This means that after I had my children I had to work full time and I still struggle with feeling like im not a good enough mum, not good enough at work ect but I have to do this due to the reliance on me for everything financial. The weight is stressful to bear, but I plough on. The money I earn means we own our house outright, we have good savings and have savings for the children in the future. I moved into a new role based in london 2 years ago. This means that once a week I have, for my own sanity to stay overnight as I live in Lancashire. I have to do this to attend the meetings I am expected to attend. Despite everything being down to me my husband does nothing but complain each week about my night away, even putting words in my childrens mouths like oh another night away, that’s not right is it kids, ect. The fact is I don’t want to be away but its my job. My husband doesn’t work, enjoys our lifestyle, we have a cleaner and our children are at school, I feel awful being away but what can I do? Quit and halve my income? I am so stressed out by the constant criticism, im not expecting him to be happy about it but making me feel worse when I already feel terrible I think is not the way to support a partner. Or am I being unreasonable? We knew this about the role before I accepted it.

You need to get your finances sorted in case you separate - what job could you do nearer home. He could work and you pay someone for after school care

I think you need to go out somewhere without the dc op and look your dh very firmly in the eye and say you find his criticism of your night away completely unacceptable, undermining and unsupportive, especially when he says it in front of the dc.

Tell him that he has a choice and that either he steps up and earns an income or he stops complaining. And really mean it. If he says it one more time in front of the children without choosing to discuss it with you reasonably in private as any decent person would, then you are going to have to seriously consider your relationship.

This is too important to let slip op. He has to stop complaining first and foremost and then he has to step up and contribute more. But complaining and leaving a whole load of childcare related things for you to do, when you are working such long hours, is not an option.

I would also start keeping time sheets like solicitors so that if you do eventually split with your dh, you can show the judge in family court, should it come to that, exactly what you do in terms of extra-curricular activities and household related things, the financial planning and everything you do at weekends,

This is going to sound really sexist, because I very much support the idea of dads staying at home in theory, but in practice, out of six couples I have known in my children’s schools with this arrangement, only once did it turn out successfully. In all other cases the dh’s either went back to work or the couple split up because the wife was doing absolutely everything.

Your husband is absolutely taking the piss. I fell over myself to be grateful for being able to be a sahm because I knew the entire financial load and responsibility fell onto Dh. I batch cooked, did all the laundry and housework within school hours Monday to Friday so there was never anything house wise on a weekend. Dh got to walk in through the door, meal cooked and that meant he could spend time with the children which he relished. Because I was organised I too got to be available for the children when they came home from school.

I treated sahming like a job, list of tasks, get them done and had a schedule and a meal plan. There is still plenty of downtime during the day.

Dh worked "professional days" so sometimes into the evening and sometimes on other country time zones, so crack of dawn meetings at 5am or late into the evening. This was part and parcel of his job and I understood that and the pay that he brought in.

I will say, consider how this would work if you split up. He would be expected to get a job and earn his own wage so he can't divorce and live off your money. The other thing to consider is he will be entitled to a portion of your pension pot. My friend waited until her children were mid teens before divorcing her waste of space husband. He too was a sahd, didn't do housework, just school runs, no homework help etc. It meant her pension pot was hefty by the time the divorce came through and she then had less time age wise to top it back up. She wised she had left much earlier.

So contemplate how you will manage childcare and 50/50 split if you divorce. His overnight during the week can align with your overnight in London. Get your ducks in a row.

I suspect he is displaying his own insecurity.

He knows he's being an arse, knows his wife is feeling increasingly distant, knows he is nobody's idea of a great catch while she is ....

Perhaps he would be wiser to concentrate on making sure she is too happy with him to want to stray, which I believe is what he thinks the London 'partying' night is really about.

Good luck.

So your dh is a sahp. The DCs are all of school age. Yet you pay a cleaner.
Hmmm I wonder how many women in your dhs shoes would be complaining?
Not many I can tell you,
I would speak to him and tell him that it is down to your job that he doesn’t have to work. That he can do far less housework than the majority of sahp do. That your job is paying for your dcs future and the very comfortable lifestyle he lives.
All of this and you are only away from home one night a week.
See what his response is afterwards.
What joy does his add to your life op?
If I were in his shoes I would be welcoming my oh home with open arms to be honest.

Perfect response

In your shoes I’d plan for either

leav him when kids are old enough
working out if you left him could you do a different job, maybe less well paid but allowing you less travelling time,

but he’s a knob.

He is living the life of a SAHP of young children. Welcome to the club! It's not an easy ride and if it's not for him he needs to think seriously if he wants to go back into the workplace and change things up. His lifestyle sounds very much like mine when my boys were little. It was lonely at times but like you two we wanted one of us to be home to care for the children. As others have said, you both need to have an open discussion. You could slow down work wise and he could get back to work or you could both work full time and pay someone to be home to put the children to bed etc. Good luck! I think he needs to stop feeling put upon and make a positive decision about what he wants to do.

My daughters husband works away every week. He leaves Monday and isnt back usually until late Friday or Saturday. She has 3 children and picks up all the slack and never complains. They both accept it's not great, but it pays the bills. She does all his billing and invoicing, along with booking him accommodation and sorting out all materials and equipment.

I agree with pps that you’re basically doing the work of a SAHP as well as working full time. You obviously don’t get a proper break even at weekends.
He’s a twat, in short. And putting words in the kids’ mouths is particularly egregious. He needs telling that that is unacceptable, for starters.

What a total prick.

Do you have the money to pay for a nanny/childminder to cover afterschool til bedtime for a term - or even better, a member of your family, your parents sister etc. who can step in and do this? Frame it as giving poor DH a “break”. Collect evidence. THEN initiate the divorce.

Then he can’t argue that he does all the childcare and go for more than 50% with the kids. Because you’ll have proof that you cover that too.

I have to say, it’s the singularly least attractive thing ever for a man to have zero ambition. I’m in a similar dynamic to you, where I’m the higher earner/stressful job, while my husband does all the childcare to enable my career. But he has always worked at least part-time in termtime, and is in training/further education. And he does more than 50% of household chores. The fact you have a cleaner and your DH still moans is just….. bleurgh. Grim.

Do you really like your London job or would you prefer to have something that does not require you to commute?

If you love the job then stick to that, but if you are doing it just for the money I would say that since you have no mortgage and have built up savings then I would try to find something closer because your life really does not need to remove around work anymore.

It could be that your husband is unreasonable or it could be that you are getting your life balance wrong and got caught up into prioritising money and not accepting that now you are worked hard enough to slow down a bit and enjoy the rest of your life (family, friends, hobbies) more by getting a less all consuming job.

But your husband also needs to wake up to the fact that if you take a new job he will need to contribute as well to the family finances.

I agree with this - and not only do you cover the cleaner, you do a lot of what a SAHM would do in the batch cooking, sorting parties and carrying the mental load you mention. What does your DH do all day? Does he have something to occupy himself or is he just bored? If bored, pass more of the household chores to him and suggest a couple of groups locally that HE could get involved in during school time.

Or try the getting excited about being home more but needing him to contribute to the household accounts also trick.

He could be resentful of your “freedom”, bored of the drudgery, frustrated or emasculated by being the supported one and in a non-traditional role, bored of not having anything stimulating in his life (which work or a hobby or regular engagement with some group of people could help solve)…or even other things underlying it.

I think your first port of call should be a proper sit down conversation, without interruption, to find out what’s really underneath his feelings. And also to make sure he knows that an overnight away is work, boring, lonely, and about being able to keep functioning - not about lovely food and wine with the girls and beauty treatments…because he may see that night as something wonderful that he doesn’t get with the mundaneness of life at home.

Ask what he wants to change, and WHY. And HOW he thinks the family will manage the consequences of that change. Which might mean showing a budget and a calendar and a list of things that need to be done on a weekly/monthly/annual basis.

What does he actually contribute? No job and not doing any cleaning? Sit him down tell him he is out of order and that this is the price for his lifestyle. I bet he just doesn't like being 'it' for the children when you're not there. I bet you pick up all the slack with them on the nights you're home too.

“You can either get a job so I can get a lower paying one and be around more, or you can continue to not work, have the entirety of school hours free plus a cleaner, plus me doing the lions share of everything at the weekend… and if you choose the latter then please know that my resentment at your lack of contribution is likely to grow over time and at some point become intolerable. Up to you 🤷🏻‍♀️

Regardless of that, I won’t accept you putting words in the children’s mouths about my work (which facilitates your lifestyle), it’s despicable, immature and cruel.

Time to grow up and start contributing in some meaningful way rather than wanting all the benefits of me having this job while simultaneously wanting me to feel guilty for having it.”

You're quite wrong actually. Any SAHP with school-age kids should be doing chores at home during the week (or get a part-time job), not lounging about doing nothing all day and relying on the other parent to do all of it at the weekend.

JFC - what does he actually do?!! SAHP my arse. He’s a layabout who doesn’t appreciate which side his bread is buttered. You’re doing virtually all of it, and he actually has the brass balls to rag you for working too hard?!

He’s a total cocklodger and you’d be better off with a live-in nanny/au pair to pick up the slack when you’re busy. At least she’d have your back and not be dragging you down mentally and emotionally. On top of everything else you’re putting so much mental effort into appeasing him that without that stress alone your life will feel so much simpler and more peaceful.

Change is scary for sure, OP, but letting this burdensome man fuck off and fend for himself surely can’t change your circumstances for the worse?

It sounds like you have answered your own question. Doing a C Suite job comes with huge responsibilities and very very long hours. Yes there is a very large salary but, your husband has benefited from this massively and agreed in the first instance.

The fact you are also doing everything else in the home as well is not acceptable and you are being taken for a fool. It also sounds like he is using the children against you so wonder if he is not planning something and this is only a build up to it.

It would be wise to get your ducks in a row sooner rather than later and protect what you can now financially ......

Why hasn't he got a job?

This 🤣

It might be less stressful to hire a nanny and split from him.

You do not have a SAHH, a SAHH would pick up the work of the home like cooking, cleaning and washing, particularly given the children are now in school. What you have is an unemployed partner who chooses not to work - any work - in the home our outside it and sponges off you instead. It is absolutely ridiculous you are paying for a cleaner and spending your weekends on house matters. Why are you afraid he will get full custody of your children? Are you not in the UK?
In your position I would either take a demotion and find a job with less hours close to home where you could manage school pick ups (with wrap around care if required) and tell him he needs to get a job due to your reduced income. Of, if he refuses to consider looking for work, I think I would quit my job, cancel the cleaner and take over all childcare and live off savings for the time required to divorce him.

Ah this is crap.

You're clearly a very intelligent woman and caring mother. Sounds like you might need reminding!

You can't do C suite without a supportive partner or a lot of hired help.

He's absolutely taking the piss and criticising you in front of your children is really nasty.

Have you costed leaving him? Housing, childcare for when you have your children, maintenance as he doesn't work. I really would check out out and consider the practicalities too.

Do you still love him? Do you think he loves you?
Is there a way back or it beyond recovery?

Get an au-pair or a nanny, or friends and family to help and part ways. Good luck.

He's being a dick. DH and I are in the reverse roles. He's director of a relatively large org and I'm a SAHM. It's not a regular weekly thing but be travels for work frequently. He left for a meeting in San Francisco on Sunday morning, just as one of the kids and I were coming down with a d&v bug. It sucked giant hairy donkey balls, but I've not guilt tried him at any point. I know what his job entails, he'd rather be at home with me and the kids but we do enjoy checks notes eating food, and having a house to live in, and I really enjoy being at home with the kids 95% of the time which means I need to suck it up the 5% of the time it's really tough.

If he continues guilt tripping you I agree with pp, show him locally available jobs and ask him what he's going to do to earn the shortfall.