Am I unreasonable over my husband's criticism of my weekly work stay?

[MsRollersk8er]

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I am full time breadwinner with a SAHH, I have worked hard and made hard choices to get to where I am in my career. My husband would only ever have earned minimum wage whilst I have made it to C suite. This means that after I had my children I had to work full time and I still struggle with feeling like im not a good enough mum, not good enough at work ect but I have to do this due to the reliance on me for everything financial. The weight is stressful to bear, but I plough on. The money I earn means we own our house outright, we have good savings and have savings for the children in the future. I moved into a new role based in london 2 years ago. This means that once a week I have, for my own sanity to stay overnight as I live in Lancashire. I have to do this to attend the meetings I am expected to attend. Despite everything being down to me my husband does nothing but complain each week about my night away, even putting words in my childrens mouths like oh another night away, that’s not right is it kids, ect. The fact is I don’t want to be away but its my job. My husband doesn’t work, enjoys our lifestyle, we have a cleaner and our children are at school, I feel awful being away but what can I do? Quit and halve my income? I am so stressed out by the constant criticism, im not expecting him to be happy about it but making me feel worse when I already feel terrible I think is not the way to support a partner. Or am I being unreasonable? We knew this about the role before I accepted it.

I spend all weekend washing, ironing, batch cooking, food shopping.

Why are you doing these things? He's a stay at home parent and your kids are at school, you should be spending time with your kids or as a family at the weekends, planning trips out etc, being present, not busying yourself the whole weekend with chores he should be doing during the week.

Food shopping can be done online, washing and ironing could even be farmed out if he won't do it, batch cooking fair enough, but that doesn't take up a whole weekend.

There's something going on here, he seems resentful that you aren't putting the kids first, which is where his digs are coming from, so you need to sit down and give him some home truths about how your decisions around your work are funding his choice to stay at home (which is his choice at this point now the kids are at school), but maybe you also need to take on board that you will never get this time back with your kids.. don't waste it being a martyr.

He's not putting the kids first if he's not doing all this shit. If the OP is working - be it in London or elsewhere - and then has to do this at the weekend that's taking from family time.

I don't think she needs to be away one night a week. I do think he needs to do something.

God that’s annoying op! I’d be seriously considering separating!

I think it would be unlikely he would get the kids full time (would he even want that)

even if you split up and he stayed in the house for a while you could massively scale back supporting him if you are no longer a couple!

holidays hits you and the kids, days out just you and the kids, don’t cook for him or buy his food - stop paying for his phone or car if he has those paid by you !! Just step right back and focus on your job and your kids and your own life!

hel have to get a job if he wants any sort of life

what the fuck is he doing all day if you do all the cooking and prep

I was he breadwinner with DH being a SAHD for a few years - but DH was very supportive which makes a huge difference. Is this really the only thing your H is difficult about? I am guessing not in which case perhaps you'd be better off losing the baggage and getting a nanny or other child care.

Wow you spend the weekends doing the jobs he should be doing? What exactly does he do on his week?

If I were you, I wouldn't bluff on it, I'd tell him I'm changing jobs, you need to get a job and we can split it down the middle all of the jobs as you're tired of it all.

Youlll end up with 50/50 as a minimum in divorce but it’ll hurt- If that’s not the path you’re willing g to go down, get a lower paid local job but insist he gets a job too. Women should never be the main breadwinners and facilitate SAHD situations- you then become the golden goose for lazy, entitled men. Ask me how I know…

He's not putting the kids first if he's not doing all this shit. If the OP is working - be it in London or elsewhere - and then has to do this at the weekend that's taking from family time.

She doesn't HAVE to do all this at the weekend though, that is my whole point.. they own their home outright and have ample savings, they have one parent at home all week not working, they have many options for dealing with distribution of chores, instead OP is choosing to be a martyr at the weekends, and they are very obviously resenting each other instead of communicating.

I don't think OP should come home and not do any chores, but there is absolutely no NEED to be doing the food shop at the weekend, there is no NEED to be batch cooking, and there is no NEED to be doing the laundry "all weekend", they are choices that she is making. She seems to be avoiding spending time with the kids or doing nice things as a family..

I suspect that is where the resentment is coming from in fairness.

@MsRollersk8er Hes a dickhead. He is jealous and lacks maturity since if he feels something lacking from his life, he should take responsibility to sort it out rather than constantly bite the hand that feeds him.
Your worry of loosing the custody of the kids to him is worth thunking about. Dont go divorcing him before you really know whats at stake. How old are the dc?

Well done, OP! It's a massive achievement to reach c-suite level and your husband should be singing your praises and supporting you, not trying to cut you down. I hear your fears. It's what traps women for so long - the fear of losing their children or putting them in danger. As others have suggested, seek advice and seriously consider your options.

Edited to add - it's really shitty of him to try to turn the kids against you by badmouthing you/your job to them. It's not on and you need to tell him that. Keep a written record of every time he does it. Keep records of everything you do and when.

This might be possible, but he could be like many men and if OP didn't do things, they just wouldn't get done. The kids would get fed takeaways or ready meals, they'd go to school in dirty uniforms, the house would be a filthy pigsty etc. OP may also be doing it because her dick of a husband is making her feel so guilty for working.

I'd spent time with the kids on the weekend - build your connection with them.

Seek advice on what changes you need to make to improve your position regarding custody should you split

What do he and the kids normally do on the weekend?

You sound like you've become a slave to the family and you deserve better.

Believe me when the kids get to the teen years they will totally value what you bring to the party. Most teens are pretty mercenary! They will see dad drifting around not doing much. This drove several sahm friends to restart serious careers.

How would the custody be 50/50 if OP does long hours and has to stay overnight?

That was the reason DH had to give up his job in the first place, to prioritise OPs job and be able to look after the DCs, which makes sense.

OP either needs to do long hours and overnights - in which case DH needs to be more understanding but also mean she’ll not be able to be the RP if they spilt.

Or OP doesn’t need to do long hours and over nights - in which case she can be the RP but it means that DH has a point.

The kids would get fed takeaways or ready meals, they'd go to school in dirty uniforms, the house would be a filthy pigsty etc.

OP says nothing about that, it is just an assumption, I doubt most women would agree to be a part of this to be honest. She sounds like she fills her weekends doing chores as a way of avoiding family life, the crux of her post is that her husband feels resentment on behalf of the kids and is expressing it in a really unfair way.. how has it got to that point?

If I didn't see my kids most the week, I sure as shit would not be prioritising doing chores "all weekend".. that is 100% a choice she is making.

I think the most telling thing is that OP thinks her life would be easier without him, except she "sometimes will be out the house at 4am and not back till 6/7pm" she works long hours, away from the home .. her life probably would be easier without him, no doubt .. but again, there is seemingly no consideration for what is best for the kids??

@MsRollersk8er
Take the long view.
How many years until the DC are likely to leave home?
How many years or decades until your retirement?
How much do you value having money in your retirement, vs having a better family life now?

Do you absolutely love your job? Do you want to do this kind of work until you retire? If so, stay with the job.
Think twice about divorcing the lazy DH because replacing him with paid childcare to enable you to continue working would be a real headache.

Do you love your DH and family more than the job? Would you be happy changing direction and getting a 'smaller' local job?
If so, ditch the job, and tell DH he needs to go out to work.

You can afford to take the risk that you ditch the job and he fails to start working - you can afford six months or a year for him to either prove himself, or fail to get his arse in gear.
If he fails, you will lose all respect for him so then divorce.
If he succeeds in getting a proper full time job and you have an easy local job, the whole family may be much much happier.

Ask him what he suggests you do as this is part of your job that provides the income you have to support him & your family in a nice life, if he's unhappy with you being away from home for a night ask if he's he happy getting a job & you either cutting your hours in the job you're in or moving jobs. He sounds happy being a SAHD but isn't happy doing what h should be doing, ie caring for the kids while you're working so give him an ultimatum, he works & you don't or stay as it is & he stops the sarky comments & appreciates the nights away are part & parcel of your job.

I am sorry OP. It sounds tough. I carried the mental load and honestly it broke me. Splitting up with 50 50 childcare was the best thing I ever did

What does he actually do during the day and how does he add to your life?

why is he not

• meal prepping in the week?
• doing a food shop at some point during the day?
• washing and ironing the clothes?
• planning weekends and holidays?

He would have been on a minimum wage job otherwise. He is not a prize, he is a user. YOU are the prize! You are propping up a user man who has the audacity to criticise you from the comfort of a house you paid off, in a clean home you paid for after you have finished an exhausting day at work while he has done nothing for 30 hours a week while the kids are at school. He is dimming your light so he can sparkle like the catch he thinks he is.

What happens when you push back and tell him to back off?

What is the point of him, he is neither ornamental nor useful.

@MsRollersk8er Why are you doing the mental load for birthdays, holidays, financial etc etc. whilst he has nothing to do all day? Why is he not batch cooking, ironing etc etc

I think @Ilady has summed it up best

He’s horrendous!
oh op I feel for you. If you leave him he will take so much money from you. Please make him get a job and then leave him!

How would you feel seeing your DCs EOW?

If you work late, do overnights and sometimes have to work weekends then it will probably be similar to how often you see them now.

The difference being is that your home would be your own home and you wouldn’t have to answer to or argue with anyone.

You would also carry a lot less mental load, if you feel you are doing more of this already.

I think living separately makes sense.

I think you feel guilty for doing so, as he gave up his career to facilitate yours and because of the stigma of a mother leaving the family home.
But if neither of you are happy, then your DCs aren’t happy and something needs to change.

As you've said, I think you know the decision you need to make.
What would you say to your daughter, sister or friend in your position?

It is very very unlikely he would get the kids full time - apart from the fact that most family courts would need huge justification to take care completely away from either parent, particularly the mother,
even if you paid CS it wouldnt be enough for them all to live on and run a separate house without him also working- in which case he'd be in exactly the same position as you just not as well paid and, despite being the sahp overall less involved in all the minutiae of their day to day lives (or at least that's what it sounds like).

Your advantage is that you can afford a really good lawyer to make your case. If you need to explain how you will care for them you could say you are looking into going part time or changing jobs to work nearby- if youre c level in London now it sounds like even 50% of your wage would be far higher than the UK average, plus reduced commuting costs, tax etc. You dont even have to go through with it if it doesnt work out for you, just make it clear that you are considering all options and will decide on the one that will most benefit your dc.

You're right... There is no need for OP to do these things, seeing as she has a lazy fucking excuse of a man sitting at home doing the bare minimum most of the week. Why should her hard earned money go into outsourced labour??

The resentment comes from her sacrificing family time, to provide for her family whilst the husband watches and runs his mouth!! The husbands resentment probably comes from knowing deep down that he is a waste of space!!

MsRollersk8er · 06/06/2026 17:19
Thanks everyone for your views - don’t know if this makes a difference but I do also sometimes work late on other nights but am nearly always able to wfh on a monday or friday. That is why years ago he quit his job - because of being there for the kids. (And dogs) in theory it was supposed to make things easier for us but the constant put downs and criticism is really impacting me. I have national travel so sometimes will be out the house at 4am and not back till 6/7pm. On those days he also counts that as me being ‘away’ even though I am back from bedtime and often kids club pick ups. I am afraid if I split that he would get the children full time. I spend all weekend washing ironing, batch cooking, food shopping, doing kids clubs I carry all the mental load for birthdays, holidays, weekends, financial planning ect. I think my life would be easier without him but for some reason am too scared to take that final step though do feel I am nearing breaking point. I think about the decisions I make at work and feel ashamed about how obvious the decision is I need to make here but can’t. Will read all your points and seriously start to think about whats next thanks x