Husbands Instagram. Urgh.

[JustAnotherManDoingManThings]

Been with my husband 20yrs.
We broke up for a few years in about 2018 but been back together about 5 years.

I've never really been an Instagram person, had an account for browsing but not really a poster.
DH has an account and its private. Because I don't really use it I've never paid much attention but I have asked him to add me quite a few times because he posts photos on there and I've seen his page before whilst he is on there, and he's my husband so was interested!

Am perimeno so having some bad insomnia lately and for some reason he left his phone on my side table last night so I did the stupid thing and looked.

All his photos are normal family orientated and hobby/interests photos.

But then i clicked on his 'following' and Im just so sad. So many cosplaying women in skimpy outfits. Voluptuous, large breasted women.
And a load of female tattoo artists?! He hates tattoos!

I am having a really hard time with my body lately. I've lost a lot of weight (125lbs) and my body and excess skin is a mess :(
I used to have big boobs but they are 90% gone now and are very saggy and point downwards. I already had very little confidence before this.

I'm just so fucking sad and disappointed in him. Its just so fucking stereotypical and cringy.

He's never cheated on me in 20 years. I don't think its anything like that and i checked his inbox and theres nothing there from any women, just his male mates but Im just sad.

I feel like I don't ever want to have sex with him again TBH.
Im nothing like any of those women. Its not like hes following saggy skinned middle aged women like me. I can never be like all those women. They all look the same, very obviously has a type, thats what gets his rocks off and theyre absolutely nothing like me.

Why do men have to do this shit?? I don't have a fucking account following a load of buff firemen and shit. I don't need that.

Am just lay here now and don't know what to do. Whether to say something or not.

What's the point? He will say it's not cheating or they're old accounts he followed ages ago or something (well you've had 5 years to delete them!)

I know people will be along to say its normal and if hes not messaging them I shouldnt care, but I do. Its made me feel utterly shit.

If DH was going to the beach specifically to stare at women in bikinis, I'd be upset. But how would you know unless he told you? He's not likely to say, 'Right, I'm off to the beach for the afternoon to gawp at fit women, byeee!' is he?
OP wouldn't have known her husband was looking at the photos if she hadnt had a nose around, unless something prompted her to look at his phone in the first place. That part isn't clear.

I think my point still stands:
Husband open about it = OP not happy
Husband hides it = OP not happy

Logical conclusion is then the
OP says to her husband you can't look at other women online because it upsets me and the husband either agrees, or says you can't tell me what to do.

I think, as other posters have said, the main takeaway is the OP really needs to work on her self-esteem.

I don't care what my dh looks at his choice it's me he married lol wouldn't go in his phone either I respect privacy and trust

The problem that some posters aren't seeing is his reluctance to add his wife to his private Instagram. That is dodgy behaviour in a long term committed relationship and suggests he wants to keep things hidden.

I would feel exactly the same @JustAnotherManDoingManThings .

So many PPs supporting the DH here. I wouldn’t accept my DH spending his time scrolling through images of semi naked women cavorting. It’s sleezy and demeaning. OP you are right to be upset. I’d have to ask him about it.

I get it, I discovered something similar a little while ago and it was a massive shock. I’ve had some time to process and while logically I know now every man looks (he’d done a bloody good job of hiding that fact for 25 years!) it still hurts.

I must admit now I just think he’s lying about any attraction to me. I’ve not said anything because frankly what’s the point? I found what I found by accident, it’s his business but I don’t trust him as much anymore. In the back of my head is always the thought if someone better/younger came along he’d be off.

I'm not sure why this is being framed as a uniquely male issue. Plenty of people enjoy media that features attractive members of the opposite sex, idealized romance, or fantasy. Many women read romance novels, follow attractive celebrities, or watch romantic films for similar reasons.
Being disappointed that someone finds other people attractive doesn't necessarily mean they've done anything wrong. Attraction to attractive people is a fairly normal human trait. Expecting a partner to only ever notice or appreciate your appearance isn't a realistic standard for most people.
It sounds like this may be more about insecurity or comparison than about his behaviour itself. If he's being respectful and faithful, his awareness of the existence of attractive people outside the relationship doesn't have to be a threat.

I agree with this. And OP’s boundaries seem to to
include invading her DH’s privacy by looking at his phone.

I wouldn't accept nursing an ex through a mental breakdown for 5 years! He could have left her to it, and would have been perfectly justified in doing so.

So, supporting someone through a hideous time, admittedly a big thing, buys him behind-his-wife's-back wanky wanky points?

OP, dig a little deeper. Sadly, there's more "stuff" for you to find

If they separated for 5 years, what do you think he was doing then? I mean he wasn't going to be a monk, was he? Especially if there was no intimacy between them.
Edited to say the separation was probably 3-4years.

By the sounds of it he was picking up everything so that his wife could deal with a massive breakdown.

This is the most disturbing thing I’ve read on here ans that’s saying something. Behind her back wanking to be earned. People can masturbate when they wish, their partners do not need to be informed or give permission.

So he fell in love with you . Nothing to do with big boobs. And he still loves you . Sex isn’t love that’s what I always thought.

Presumably he's a middle aged man. Following near naked young women on instagram. Gross.

I'm not disputing that. I'm just saying that for many people the urge for sexual relief doesn't go away if the partner is unable or unwilling. On mumsnet it seems that people who don't have sex, also don't masturbate. I'm not sure what they are supposed to do.

It’s hard to be happy and it’s easier to be sad. What would make you happy? A better relationship with your body? Then focus on that. His energy has nothing to do with yours. Sounds like he has tried to stay positive in negative situations, unintentionally of your making. He loves you. He’s your friend. He’s not the bad guy.

Not sure if you'll welcome a male opinion OP so I'll bugger off after this post, but I just wanted to address this point in the post I've quoted.

I've spent the last 20 years with DP. I fancied the crap out of her the moment I saw her, and I've fancied the crap out of her every day since. She's been a variety of sizes, and shapes, and ages over that time, and I've fancied every version of her.

I don't watch porn any more, but I did until a few years ago. DP was never bothered by it, but I saw too many good reasons not to watch it posted on here, so I stopped.

The porn I watched didn't tend to feature women who looked like DP. Not because I didn't want to see women who looked like DP, but because porn with women who look like DP just doesn't really exist. Porn actors tend to be people who are comfortable taking their clothes off in front of others, it doesn't tend to attract people who are insecure about their body.

The rare occasions I did find someone who looked like her were great, but I wasn't going to spend the effort on that when I just wanted to look at some naked women.

In short, the fact that the naked people your husband looks at don't look like you, doesn't mean that he doesn't fancy you. It doesn't mean that he'd rather have sex with those people. It just means that thats the porn available to him without spending hours looking for and paying for niche content

Seconding this.
Most men do the same. If not always "following" thencat least browsing.

I am not the only woman on this site, by an extremely long chalk, who finds porny stuff and porn in general unacceptable.

OP, I'm so sorry you're having to read all this shit today. Looks like Mumsnet has been invaded by male apologists.

I don't think you get actual porn on Instagram, do you?

Completely gross. Good Lord what's going on here

Wa are not discussing porn, or even porn stuff, whatever that is. Nudity isn’t even allowed on insta. However your comment on earning behind the back wanking is utterly disturbing. And remains so.

Not even nudity,

@Lostinbrumwhat is it about the OP’a post that has made you decide that her husband is a ‘saint?’

I think people are assuming he's watching porn, instead of photos of women in bikinis etc. To me that is very tame. Posters are determined to paint him as a pervert.