Husbands Instagram. Urgh.

[JustAnotherManDoingManThings]

Been with my husband 20yrs.
We broke up for a few years in about 2018 but been back together about 5 years.

I've never really been an Instagram person, had an account for browsing but not really a poster.
DH has an account and its private. Because I don't really use it I've never paid much attention but I have asked him to add me quite a few times because he posts photos on there and I've seen his page before whilst he is on there, and he's my husband so was interested!

Am perimeno so having some bad insomnia lately and for some reason he left his phone on my side table last night so I did the stupid thing and looked.

All his photos are normal family orientated and hobby/interests photos.

But then i clicked on his 'following' and Im just so sad. So many cosplaying women in skimpy outfits. Voluptuous, large breasted women.
And a load of female tattoo artists?! He hates tattoos!

I am having a really hard time with my body lately. I've lost a lot of weight (125lbs) and my body and excess skin is a mess :(
I used to have big boobs but they are 90% gone now and are very saggy and point downwards. I already had very little confidence before this.

I'm just so fucking sad and disappointed in him. Its just so fucking stereotypical and cringy.

He's never cheated on me in 20 years. I don't think its anything like that and i checked his inbox and theres nothing there from any women, just his male mates but Im just sad.

I feel like I don't ever want to have sex with him again TBH.
Im nothing like any of those women. Its not like hes following saggy skinned middle aged women like me. I can never be like all those women. They all look the same, very obviously has a type, thats what gets his rocks off and theyre absolutely nothing like me.

Why do men have to do this shit?? I don't have a fucking account following a load of buff firemen and shit. I don't need that.

Am just lay here now and don't know what to do. Whether to say something or not.

What's the point? He will say it's not cheating or they're old accounts he followed ages ago or something (well you've had 5 years to delete them!)

I know people will be along to say its normal and if hes not messaging them I shouldnt care, but I do. Its made me feel utterly shit.

Of course you are allowed to set your own boundaries, but so is everyone else. You are not 'right', and they are not 'wrong'. Remember, men's brains are wired to reward them seeing attractive, young women, in the same way that everyone's brain rewards them for eating sweet foods. Can we override this and eat fewer cakes and sweets? Of course! However, a hell of a lot of people fail to do so consistently. Same goes for men looking at women.

He clearly does desire you. If that were not the case, he simply wouldn't be able to have sex with you. You were absolutely right to believe him.

I'm not defending it, nor am I a 'cool wife' - my husband wouldn't have a clue where to start with Instagram but I don't know what he looks at on his phone in general and I wouldn't go looking either. I would rather remain in blissful ignorance than discover it was photos of a topless Linda Lusardi from the 80s or something. That's not being a cool wife, I just don't want to know.

You mention women on the beach. But surely the equivalent would be the OP's DH going to to beach with the specific goal of looking at young women acting provocatively in bikinis. Putting up his deck chair right next to them and (presumably?) thinking sexual thoughts about them. I'm sure she would be upset by this!! I would be.

I have a feeling many people might not realise how sexualised these photos on Instagram can be. Yes, they have rules against actual nudity, but a lot of these accounts are basically just there to drive traffic to their owners' Only Fans pages. OP's DH probably isn't just following accounts started by ordinary women to share their pics with their mates.

Man attracted to women shocker.
“Why do men do this?” Ask OP. Because it’s totally normal and natural. Either sex is allowed to look at members of the other sex at any time. Just because you are in a relationship doesn’t mean you magically stop finding other people attractive. Plenty of women in relationships follow other men online - it’s exactly the same. It’s not like he is flaunting it or rubbing it your face - you had to hunt around on his phone to find it. And it’s not even porn or nudity.

I would find his behaviour disrespectful and immature OP.

It is completely normal to have boundaries that include not wanting your partner to spend time looking at other women wearing very little on Instagram.

As usual there are people on this thread who can't wait to dismiss a woman's feelings and boundaries...

Frankly OP, are you sure that this is the right partner for you at this stage?

You might be better off having a stress free life without him in the mix.

If you're the OP I am thinking of, you have had a really hard time, but he has been there for you throughout?

He obviously loves you. Just tell him you are unhappy with his viewing choices and it's not acceptable to you. I agree with you, btw, but I'd think his good outweighs his bad.

agree he been there throughout, Op herself says
broke up with him because I had a mental breakdown due to unaddressed childhood mental and physical abuse.
He supported me all through that time despite us not being together. Took me to my appointments, shopping, had the kids a lot when I couldn't cope.
I needed space to have therapy and process things. I just couldn't bear anyone being near me during that time and he accepted that and gave me the space I needed.
so sounds like op broke up with him, he had to leave the family home, but still did all that a dad and partner would do? … yeah what a terrible man!

edited because I do agree!

I can't think why that wasn't included in the OP 🙄

"Why do men do this?" They've always done it except now it's changed somewhat in the way it's expressed. Clearly, it's become societally much less accepted (illegal often) for men to openly catcall women, sexually harass women in the workplace, to shout out, 'Look at the arse on that!', 'Show us yer tits, love!' and fuck knows what else in public, to grope and leer and letch and wolfwhistle and all the rest of it. It still goes on but not like it used to be.
It's all just moved inside. It's men and boys looking at porn and women's bodies on their phones, and making all manner of comments on social media behind a veil of anonymity. I don't think it'll ever stop. Depressing really.
I can't remember where I read this but it was a young waitress relating how she was serving at a table where a family were together, different generations, kids etc, and a man, the dad of the kids, was sitting looking at porn on his phone with the sound off. I mean...what the fuck?!

Your husband sounds like a saint and already proven himself to you over and over but your freaking out because he looks at women on insta? You've already said its a boundary for you so what are you posting on here for when you will get opinions you dont want just leave him if its that much of a big deal to you I feel sorry for him

I would suggest that people , men and women, do look at people they find attractive. I mean I'm getting on now but I can still look at a bloke and think he's handsome, attractive, sexy. It doesn't make me a pervert. When I was younger I definitely looked at men in that way more often. If I went to the beach I was looking at them. When I was a teen I had pictures of blokes on my wall, usually film stars. Was I a pervert? No, if course not. People generally look at attractive others.
Edited to add. No one can police thoughts, thank goodness.

So very supportive?

But beyond whinging about it on mumsnet, you’re not actually going to do anything about it are?

I'm sorry people have come to stick the boot in, op.
I'd be disappointed if my DH did this. It's very teenage boy behaviour. Do you think it's worth having a conversation with him about it?

No one is sticking the boot in.

Not providing unequivocal support for someone who had a severe mental breakdown for years and whose husband stepped up and supported her ceaselessly and who she seems to be sure has never cheated on her in 20 years…. is not sticking the boot in. It’s asking the op to perhaps pause and reflect

Why is following someone on insta “teenage boy behaviour”? I follow male celebrities I find attractive and I’m late forties. My DH couldn’t care less.
Surely OP, being and older, mature adult is the one exhibiting teenage silliness by getting upset over something that is common and harmless? Surely she is the one at her age who should know better?

In my late teens - before social media - I had a lovely boyfriend. I accidentally saw his browser history while we were looking at something on his computer together. I was horrified and disgusted just by the URLs - he was looking at pictures of women who looked nothing like me, who were in pop groups we both disliked. It felt a huge betrayal that he would find those women attractive despite us talking about how we didn't like that music. I felt skin-crawling revulsion and wondered if I could trust him at all.

He was mortified I felt like that and yes, of course I could trust him because he had proved himself to be a very kind, caring man. And your DH has already proved himself to be one of those too, over a long period of time.

With hindsight, I think my/your reaction is understandable in the moment but it doesn't mean you can't get past it.

My guess is that my boyfriend chose those women precisely because they were different to me/us, that's why it felt safe and distanced from real life.

Don't do anything rash.

(Edited to add: Don't be distracted by me saying I was a teenager. I was 19, he was 26. Nothing creepy going on there!)

No one has stuck the boot in, what an awful thing to make up and write.

I agree that being in a relationship doesn't mean that you stop finding people attractive. I've been married for 20 years and will notice if an attractive man walks past. And I didn't say that the OP's DH is a pervert!

My point is that there is a difference between noticing someone attractive in your day-to-day life - everyone will do this - and spending your free time online looking at provocative pictures of women in bikinis. As the OP said - they are in thongs bending over a chair. Not walking along the beach with their mates.

I used to love those black and white Athena posters when I was a teenager. Shirtless man with a six pack holding a baby/lounging against a motorbike. My walls were covered! Do I still have them up now? No. I'm married and it would be weird and disrespectful.

The OP's DH sounds like a decent guy. The behaviour described in the OP would not be marriage-ending for me. BUT I would feel disappointed and a bit upset - and I'm generally body confident and don't have ant past trauma to contend with. So I can understand why the OP is taking this harder than I would.

On my social media, I follow:

Various men and women who do extreme body building and/or are losing lots of weight (anyone know Daud?!). I am not into body building and shake my head in pity when I walk past a gym and see people Bobbing around on the machines.

I follow various tatoo artists of all manner of gender identifications including a 15 year old boy. I have no tattoos. I will never have one.

Various people who have reptiles and breed them. I watch live feeding videos, too. I am terrified and grossed out by these animals but watch anyway.

A woman who coaches her son American football in her flip flops and work clothes. He also plays baseball.

An ex mobster's wife. This woman is just...

"A single mother of 2 children, aged 6 and 3, she's been a single parent since she was 38 weeks with her 2nd baby" (iykyk)

A few manosphere dudes just because I have to ponder WTVF is wrong with them and how often they say something I agree with.

So much weird trash. It's social media. It's like going to one of those sideshows back in the day. Yeah probably unethical but the victims do get paid.

Men who tug like to use images. To deny them the use of porn is to control men’s bodies (they should have autonomy over the blueness of their balls).

@QuestionFromTheBack

I follow various tatoo artists of all manner of gender identifications including a 15 year old boy. I have no tattoos. I will never have one.

being purely nosy…. Why?!

Why not? Because it’s interesting?