Husbands Instagram. Urgh.

[JustAnotherManDoingManThings]

Been with my husband 20yrs.
We broke up for a few years in about 2018 but been back together about 5 years.

I've never really been an Instagram person, had an account for browsing but not really a poster.
DH has an account and its private. Because I don't really use it I've never paid much attention but I have asked him to add me quite a few times because he posts photos on there and I've seen his page before whilst he is on there, and he's my husband so was interested!

Am perimeno so having some bad insomnia lately and for some reason he left his phone on my side table last night so I did the stupid thing and looked.

All his photos are normal family orientated and hobby/interests photos.

But then i clicked on his 'following' and Im just so sad. So many cosplaying women in skimpy outfits. Voluptuous, large breasted women.
And a load of female tattoo artists?! He hates tattoos!

I am having a really hard time with my body lately. I've lost a lot of weight (125lbs) and my body and excess skin is a mess :(
I used to have big boobs but they are 90% gone now and are very saggy and point downwards. I already had very little confidence before this.

I'm just so fucking sad and disappointed in him. Its just so fucking stereotypical and cringy.

He's never cheated on me in 20 years. I don't think its anything like that and i checked his inbox and theres nothing there from any women, just his male mates but Im just sad.

I feel like I don't ever want to have sex with him again TBH.
Im nothing like any of those women. Its not like hes following saggy skinned middle aged women like me. I can never be like all those women. They all look the same, very obviously has a type, thats what gets his rocks off and theyre absolutely nothing like me.

Why do men have to do this shit?? I don't have a fucking account following a load of buff firemen and shit. I don't need that.

Am just lay here now and don't know what to do. Whether to say something or not.

What's the point? He will say it's not cheating or they're old accounts he followed ages ago or something (well you've had 5 years to delete them!)

I know people will be along to say its normal and if hes not messaging them I shouldnt care, but I do. Its made me feel utterly shit.

Get your self one! Take a risk!

Against the law for a 15 year old to be a tattoo artist. By law you need to be at least 18

Their talent I suppose. The 15 year old boy practices different designs on one of those fake skin patches. Its really quite basic but I suppose he is working on his lines etc. You can see him improving. I wonder how and who he will be in 10 or 15 years.

Back in the day I used to watch NY and Miami Ink with Kat Von D and people like that. That's when I got into it as an art. They had some amazing artists on there. Some who just freehand and improvise the whole thing.

Oh I also watch jetwashing, roof cleaning and garden clear ups. None of which I voluntarily do myself.

Law is minimum age 18 to give or have a tattoo. Or he’s practising? Got it

So this man has supported you and looked after you and his children and his family as husband should do and now you want to get rid of him ?

https://www.facebook.com/61588447096797/videos/whats-one-tatto-youll-never-get%EF%B8%8F-tattooing-begginner-fyp-viral-asmr-tattooartist/938925752318052/?locale=en_GB

I used to love those black and white Athena posters when I was a teenager. Shirtless man with a six pack holding a baby/lounging against a motorbike. My walls were covered! Do I still have them up now? No. I'm married and it would be weird and disrespectful.

The OP's husband isn't putting posters up on the wall though, is he? He's looking at these images in private, and it's obviously why he doesn't want OP following him, so he can keep it private.
So he either does it openly which would be disrespectful to OP.
He does it privately which is upsetting for OP when she inadvertently finds out.
Or he doesn't do it all which is...unlikely?

After all that DH has done for OP, arguably above and beyond what most people will do, why is she sticking the boot into him? He’s not cheating on her, he’s looking at pictures of attractive members of the opposite sex, something which hundreds of millions or billions of us do, the world over.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=BqEoMPTru_E&pp=0gcJCTkCo7VqN5tD

This is the youngest one in the world. He was doing people from a young age. He is an adult now. I think this guy started at like 10 or something crazy.

You see this is how you start watching these weird things online.

Maybe whinging about it on Mumsnet is the best thing to do? It sounds like, apart from this, OP's husband is amazingly supportive, loves her and fancies her - I don't think he's committed some major crime, people are allowed private thoughts!

I imagine op isn’t just whinging about it on mumsnet though.

Tattoos? Body piercings? I’ve got several thanks.

It's not just light-hearted whinging, she's acting like he's some sort of sexual deviant, and calling anyone who disagrees with her a 'cool wife'.

So you thought you'd repay this with a gross invasion of his privacy? If I was him, you'd be dumped. What gives you the right to do that?

I quoted you but actually my chat was with another poster entirely, who does not have a tattoo

He clearly loves you. 5 years supporting you when you needed it without being with you is quite frankly unbelievable.

Stop comparing yourself. He might want to look at these women, but he's with you, wants you and that's it. In fact, you should feel smug that he wants and loves you.

YABU. You are very lucky.

Get some therapy about how you feel about you. Your body is only one facet of you. It is not all of you 🫶

OP, do you never, ever look at good looking men? We have a long-running joke in our family that I have to watch Butch Cassidy and The Sting whenever they are on because Paul Newman and Robert Redford were just beautiful and incredibly sexy at the time they made those.

I know it's not the same as following someone on Instagram, but in terms of how this affects your relationship, it's essentially the same - it's not as if there is any suggestion that your husband actually wants even to meet any of these women. He obviously finds you really desirable and is deeply committed to you.

I actually wonder if it’s this? A LONG time of being the central point of things, letting him in as long as it was on her terms and maybe him having something that’s NOT this is unsettling for Op?

If it is at me it is mostly cost and availability of great artists. Commitment, too, I guess.

I'm glad in a way because some of my friends had great tattoos done years ago that havent aged well despite the initial quality looking fantastic. Others have kept their quality over the years. It's very interesting.

I don’t know why they do it, OP but just wanted to sympathise. It’s upsetting and feels disrespectful- it makes you feel like you’re not enough. My ex was like this- following loads of 20 something models with perfect bodies ( as well as some AI models 🤢) obviously when I bright it up with him I was insecure, Controlling etc. but yeah it’s gross and you’re allowed to not like it x

you're married not brain dead
you can still find other people attractive

This ^^^

It seems to me that this is more about your self-esteem, OP. than anything else. I suggest that you talk to your counsellor about this, or you are risking losing your very supportive husband who loves and fancies you.

The poster I was replying to compared her posters as a teen to OP's DH's behaviour, so I was responding to that.

As I said, it's totally normal to find other people attractive. If I saw DH glancing at a beautiful woman at the beach, I'd not give it a second thought. If DH was going to the beach specifically to stare at women in bikinis, I'd be upset. Same with online behaviour. Fine to notice someone and think they are attractive. Slightly less fine (but not a deal breaker in the overall context of the relationship) to spend time searching for women in bikinis leaning over chairs. Neither DH or i have Instagram or tiktok so it's not something either of us do!

Edited for typo

I'm sorry but this is not the same.

My ex husband used to tease me that I had a crush on David Tennant. I sort of did - until he went uber-trans wokey ridiculous.

We can all admire other people and find them attractive. OP''s husband is doing all this secretively, and most likely masturbating to these images.

Hey up. First, I’m sorry you’re feeling so awful. It’s such a grim feeling and you’re completely within your rights to take some time for yourself and have a bit of distance from him while you process it.

First off, you are absolutely not the first woman to be upset by this, and by god, you won’t be the last! And honestly, I don’t think it has anything to do with the way you look. Men with gorgeous, model-esque partners still follow loads of scantily clad women online. Please try to understand that this isn’t about you.

It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with this but I genuinely think it’s just how a lot of men are wired. It’s like a fantasy world in their heads brought out into the open. It doesn’t necessarily mean he wants a heavily tattooed woman, or whatever type he’s following, in real life. Just as we can have fantasies that wouldn’t actually translate into a happy reality, sometimes it’s simply something they’re drawn to visually.

I think for some people, social media offers a form of escapism. So many men I know follow all sorts of women online and I honestly think they consume sexually arousing content in the same way they consume any other entertainment. I don’t believe most of them are sitting there comparing their partners or thinking deeply about what it means while they’re doing it.

If they’re not doing it openly, they’re often doing it privately. I’ve spent years being upset by these things myself. When I was younger it was magazines and now it’s digital. Eventually, I had to practise detaching from it because it felt like flogging a dead horse trying to change something that was never really within my control

I would advise having a conversation with him about it because it’s important that he understands how it’s made you feel. That said, if I’m being completely truthful, those conversations never really got me anywhere! In my experience, it usually led to promises, excuses, defensiveness or a temporary change before things drifted back to how they were. These days, I honestly don’t even care anymore. No point exhausting yourself over something you can’t control. Once I stopped seeing male behaviour as a reflection of me and my worth, it lost a lot of its power to upset me.

I don’t have much advice other than solidarity. Don’t feel like you have to compete. In fact, being unbothered by it is probably the most powerful position you can take (assuming, of course, that there’s no actual cheating or inappropriate contact going on).

Male sexuality is deeply ingrained and as long as attractive people are creating content online, this stuff isn’t going anywhere! That doesn’t mean you have to like it but please don’t torture yourself by turning it into a reflection of your worth. It isn’t.