Recurring rows with DH about conversation and silence at mealtimes

[Halffan]

I am struggling with my DH, we seem to go through phases of this where it builds up and then we will argue and then we will talk, resolve things and it improves only to repeat the cycles.

DH has a quiet job where he spends most of the day in his own head. I have an extremely sociable job where I am talking non stop all day.

DH was raised as a child that meal times were social events where you sat and talked and shared details of your day

I was raised that food is sustenance and a meal time is functional act, and often it’s the only time I get that’s quiet.

I am naturally sociable and extroverted so although I talk all day, I am still chatty to DH in the evenings, but at mealtimes not so much, and I’m happy to eat first, then chat after.

He is sad I don’t talk more when we eat. I’m just hungry and want to eat. Sometimes I don’t even sit with him as I don’t want a long meal time I just want to eat the food.

He says I talk too much about topics he finds frustrating, by this he means gossip and drama. So talking about other people, perhaps something someone said or did. I am aware that sometimes I fill silences with chit chat and can veer into this type of topic and when he doesn’t respond, sometimes I talk more in the misguided hope he will join in. He doesn’t like ‘judging people’ so doesn’t like gossiping. Fair enough, but I don’t know if this means I need to read more news so I have more topics to converse in

However he doesn’t really initiate topics or try to move conversations on - so he’s tolerating these in silence, and getting annoyed and frustrated.

He claims he ‘doesn’t want to be rude’ by asking me to change the subject, or communicating he would rather move on, so I have no idea at the time and continue.

He will complain if I ‘go quiet’ ie go on my phone as he will say ‘but I haven’t seen you all day’ so I am expected to talk, and not have my own down time, but I often don’t know what I should talk about, and getting him to talk to me can be a challenge.

I often feel all the weight of the responsibility of talking to him and holding conversations and when I ask him to contribute, often he will say ‘I don’t have much to add’ or ‘my day wasn’t very interesting’ so I start scrabbling around for topics and asking questions.

He says I make him feel boring. I don’t know how I can help with that. Or talk less or recognise when I’m repeating myself?

has anyone ever been in this situation

He sounds a bit grumpy to be honest. I'm the quiet one, my husband's the extrovert! He talks at meal times and if he's not here, me and the two children more-or-less sit in silence! But we don't argue about it. My husband and I are completely different but it works. I need him to initiate conversation but sometimes I just want him to stop talking so I can get on with what I'm doing! I think we balance each other out. Shame you don't like talking about the same things. Is it just you two or do others eat with you?

You NEED time to decompress after work. Not everyone needs it but a lot of people do depending on personality, job, and whether you've had any peace and quiet on your commute. You DO need it so figure out how much time you usually need and make a rule that everyone leaves you alone beyond a brief hello when you get home. Tiny children won't understand this and may need an easy to follow rule or signal but it's ridiculous that your husband won't give you this. Not having it is probably making you much more frazzled than you need to be and making it more difficult to cope with everything else.

Set dinner at a time that works for everyone. If you have a set lunchtime and your husband doesn't, he should adjust his so it works with your preferred dinner time during the week. You could also have a snack in the early afternoon or a tiny one on the way home. Maybe plan for early quick dinners on work days and more leisurely chatty dinners on the weekends? As a side note, his job sounds much more flexible and relaxing than yours; not sure if it's his job to listen to podcasts all day or if he has some kind of job that just requires him to be there and he can do what he likes for large stretches of time? But he needs to get that your job is not like that and you're drained at the end of a workday. It sounds like he has no empathy at all, even when he TRIES to understand.

He has to tell you when he doesn't want to talk about something. If he can't change the subject himself, at least he can say "Katie Price makes my eyes glaze over" or "enough Katie Price for today, please!" His need not to be (or not to be seen as) rude is putting a huge unfair burden on you, and it's absolutely ridiculous that he's insisting you talk, not contributing to the conversation, NOT telling you he dislikes the topic, and then getting angry with you. This is like a three year old's thought process; he has a partner and children and needs to grow up!! There's no need to talk about any specific topic, especially Trump (he's off limits at my house; you have to go outside if you want to talk about him as it upsets the cat) and there's CERTAINLY no need for you to be GUESSING which topics he might like!!

He needs to learn to have a "serious" and productive exchange of ideas when the two of you are at odds and need a resolution. One person talks, the other listens, then you switch, each person asks any questions and clarifies anything unclear, then you brainstorm changes, compromises, solutions and throw out what doesn't work and resolve to try what might. This includes things like why his child is rude to you, why he habitually gets angry when he disapproves of your conversational topics but hasn't told you so, and how to compromise about mealtimes. If he genuinely cannot have a conversation like that, maybe couples therapy could help, where there's a professional "guiding" the talk and prodding you both to stay on track and give each other a fair hearing, both contribute, etc?

Good luck; the current situation sounds absolutely unreasonable and exhausting.

OP what do YOU want here?

You seem terribly worried about doing the right thing and not upsetting him or your kids.

To be clear- ignoring you is utterly unacceptable. Utterly. No child should be getting away with that- you need to discipline them. Remove privileges. Until they can be at a minimum civil and polite.

And if your husband isn’t all over this then that’s terrible, terrible parenting.

This is YOUR home woman! You’re the grown up here! Why are you tolerating a needy weird husband and a silent child!

Time to throw your toys out the pram and effect some bloody change.

knew they would probably eat what I made as no one had eaten anything. They did eat it. I think some of them would not have chosen what I made, as it was ‘healthy’ and boring (to them) so I assume when this happens and I ask and get meh response, it’s usually because the food choice. I am good at making food though so they do enjoy it. Plus if I had made myself and no one else I expect they may see this as selfish

Rude kids who don't answer yes or no don't get food cooked for them. It's not selfish, it's the consequences of being too rude to deign to answer a question.

If I was to demand a yes or a no to my questions I think they would all think I was being difficult or rude.

One of his kids won't speak to you. If that isn't off the scale rude I don't know what is. Clear communication is polite, not rude. Your household sounds massively passive aggressive, rude, and like there's a lot of covert hostility going on. Your kid seems like they might be incorporating that, and that's not good.

Covert hostility is his kid not speaking to you or answering questions. Covert hostility is your husband cleaning while you're cooking so he had something to be mad about. Covert hostility is your husband expecting you to perform for him at the dinner table when you're exhausted.

Boundaries. You need them. Boundaries are rude only to those who don't want you to have them.

Dinner. You need to eat earlier. Your husband can wait and eat later or eat with you and have a healthy snack later. You're going 7 to 8 hours without eating in the daytime and that's too long if you're getting hangry.

Conversation. He needs to let you get your food in. The division here is making your dinners unpleasant. Agree on a topic, did uss family stuff, trivial stuff, but you need a boundary here.

Kids. He needs to have a talk with his kids of they're treating you badly and ignoring when you speak is treating you badly.

You deserve consideration and respect like any household member and you're not getting it. Set your boundaries. They call you rude, call out their behaviour as rude.

Your DH should have made food for himself and the DC, it's not your main job

This is really bad. You partner should help you and celebrate you and your successes, He is ruled by his insecurities and prefers you to be fat and unhealthy so he doesn’t have to worry that you won’t be properly grateful.

If I was to demand a yes or a no to my questions I think they would all think I was being difficult or rude. I do think I’ve had to tone down my upfront-ness from what it used to be

Just to add another voice to this - it's not difficult, rude or upfront to expect someone to answer a question you have asked. It's NORMAL to expect that, unless they are currently performing surgery or rescuing a child from a dangerous growling dog. They are being downright rude by ignoring you. How have they managed to gaslight you into thinking you're the rude one? (Also, I can't help thinking that if it was you who was just blanking their questions, they'd have a different view..)

So he's fat, boring and says he's socially anxious? Lol
Sounds like he's depressed and can't be arsed/too depressed to change
So he's taking everything out on you
You're too chatty, too quiet, too gossipy, moody
Think it's projection
Time to reassert yourself and your boundaries and role in the relationship. You're not a slave, nor invisible housemaid, nor a monkey dancing to his tune, nor an emotional support black hole.

No need to keep announcing things to him now, you've said he needs to speak up. So don't backslide from now on
Stay quiet when he's not responsive
Don't take the bait when he says you're being quiet, just "what would you like to speak about?"
Ignore his kids back they're grown up enough to take it!
Stop wringing yourself out for passive aggression! Ignore all non direct communication - it is the ONLY way to deal with passive aggression. You need nerves of steel to ignore the atmosphere as they will want you to cave first

Yes, when I read the title I thought, well maybe you are refusing to talk and sitting in silence. But actually he expects you to entertain him and talk about what he wants to. This is actually very controlling and I would have a think whether he controls other aspects of you life in subtle ways.