Recurring rows with DH about conversation and silence at mealtimes

[Halffan]

I am struggling with my DH, we seem to go through phases of this where it builds up and then we will argue and then we will talk, resolve things and it improves only to repeat the cycles.

DH has a quiet job where he spends most of the day in his own head. I have an extremely sociable job where I am talking non stop all day.

DH was raised as a child that meal times were social events where you sat and talked and shared details of your day

I was raised that food is sustenance and a meal time is functional act, and often it’s the only time I get that’s quiet.

I am naturally sociable and extroverted so although I talk all day, I am still chatty to DH in the evenings, but at mealtimes not so much, and I’m happy to eat first, then chat after.

He is sad I don’t talk more when we eat. I’m just hungry and want to eat. Sometimes I don’t even sit with him as I don’t want a long meal time I just want to eat the food.

He says I talk too much about topics he finds frustrating, by this he means gossip and drama. So talking about other people, perhaps something someone said or did. I am aware that sometimes I fill silences with chit chat and can veer into this type of topic and when he doesn’t respond, sometimes I talk more in the misguided hope he will join in. He doesn’t like ‘judging people’ so doesn’t like gossiping. Fair enough, but I don’t know if this means I need to read more news so I have more topics to converse in

However he doesn’t really initiate topics or try to move conversations on - so he’s tolerating these in silence, and getting annoyed and frustrated.

He claims he ‘doesn’t want to be rude’ by asking me to change the subject, or communicating he would rather move on, so I have no idea at the time and continue.

He will complain if I ‘go quiet’ ie go on my phone as he will say ‘but I haven’t seen you all day’ so I am expected to talk, and not have my own down time, but I often don’t know what I should talk about, and getting him to talk to me can be a challenge.

I often feel all the weight of the responsibility of talking to him and holding conversations and when I ask him to contribute, often he will say ‘I don’t have much to add’ or ‘my day wasn’t very interesting’ so I start scrabbling around for topics and asking questions.

He says I make him feel boring. I don’t know how I can help with that. Or talk less or recognise when I’m repeating myself?

has anyone ever been in this situation

You need to eat earlier so you are not ravenous and hangry.

I think he's being pass agg tbh
You can't eat meals at your convenience and your conversation is either too much or not enough.

That sounds ridiculous and forced

Agree
I cant believe people live like this

Home is comfort,safety and relaxation
Sounds like Op is on Mastermind, choose your specialist subject, heres your starter for 10 ...
Pound to a penny theres another woman, hence the sudden criticism

but someone who talks about gossip and drama and is just talking for the sake of it

You say this isn’t in other areas as well but I suspect this is cos you are used to it and you have reframed it as relationship compromise. You mention you are not allowed to watch tv in the mealtime. That’s a rule set by another adult that you must obey. How dare he comment on what you are allowed to talk about - you’re not telling him to avoid certain subjects. There’s inherent misogyny in his policing some topics you are interested in as he says they are gossip. As a grown adult women why don’t you do a trial run of making your own choices and doing what you want. I bet you’ve forgotten what that’s like. You don’t have to do what anyone else says. So it’s important you eat when you want to and make it clear that’s what you are doing because it’s not reasonable to do otherwise. I remember my ex making us save ourselves for Sunday roast n I would end not eating til 3. It’s control cos he feels inadequate but lacks respect for women even if it isn’t obvious it’s so embedded in our culture.

Well when she explained what she means by gossip she said things people have done that affect her, and trying to understand human behaviours. Her “D”H has convinced her this is called gossip, and that all that is beneath him.

100% this - the Op needs to eat something a bit earlier to stave of the hangryness and balance her blood sugar a bit

the husband needs to listen a bit more and converse a bit more

Another way to look at could be that the OP is just brain dumping her day on her husband- I’ve been on the reverse side of that and it’s bloody awful at times

I’m sorry but some of the suggestions here - I mean wtf - home should be your happy place. Your safe place. The place you look forward to going to. Not somewhere where you’re on egg shells trying to please someone else. Just blooming well leave so that you can be yourself.

Jfc, conversation cards?!? Isn’t that blatantly absurd? You can’t have a conversation without prompting cards?!?

He is not the man for you. Cut your losses. You will be 1000% happier and have a much more peaceful life.

I would hate a silent meal time. When I was young, dinner was a time to have a casual family conversations about our days and whatever was going on, when we weren't distracted by homework or watching tv.

There’s not a chance in hell I would mess about with conversation cards when I’m trying to relax and enjoy my meal. A pp nailed it when she said he wants to be treated as an important visitor.

I'm assuming it's questions like "who did you help today? What was your win of the day? What were you disappointed by?"

I don't think it's ridiculous and forced, I think it's a nice way of touching base with everyone and making sure everyone has their say.

That's why I asked (for more ideas in addition to those I wrote above which I try to do in the car on the way home from school)

He sounds autistic

He needs a therapist.

You cant be serious?

This is so true.

Christ OP, god help you in retirement.

He is an utter controlling man child arse, and boring to boot.

I suspect you are very ground down by him.

You could badly do with some therapy to figure out how you can face the future with such a dull thwat, much less put up with it.

But he is demanding she do so when she would prefer to be silent. How is this her fault? This is such a DARVO type thing to say!

Sounds like hard work and a lot of overthinking on both sides, although you aren’t at fault, he is. He wants you to talk and you do even though you would prefer to chill, but he isn’t happy with your topics of conversation. Sounds like him problem. Relationships aren’t supposed to be this hard/forced.

Umm I think you are 100% wrong and here’s why

the op says ,

I don’t get much time for decompression and he takes it very personally when I do.
I think I overcompensate for this by talking too much about pointless topics

I didn’t read every response from the OP - but I suspect she is decompressing onto him ..

Yes, I actually do this. My DH is bit of a AH but he has long-term.pain and its generally worse later in the day so I do give him a bit of clemancy.

But omg, I'm too loud, too quiet, I talk about the wrong things, I interrupt or I give yes dear responses. I stick it until he's so rude I get up, go to the bathroom. Then smile ask him if he wants anything else to eat and tell him I'm going to bed.
I stick 2 fingers up as I walk out of the door.
Childish but gets me through.

You've misread. She wants to decompress by not talking. After a day of constant noise at work she wants silence, not to offload verbally.

Yes you are misreading here and you should have done the OP the courtesy of a) reading her first post diligently and b) reading the subsequent posts which explain clearly her husband’s complaint snd how it relates to her preference.