Recurring rows with DH about conversation and silence at mealtimes

[Halffan]

I am struggling with my DH, we seem to go through phases of this where it builds up and then we will argue and then we will talk, resolve things and it improves only to repeat the cycles.

DH has a quiet job where he spends most of the day in his own head. I have an extremely sociable job where I am talking non stop all day.

DH was raised as a child that meal times were social events where you sat and talked and shared details of your day

I was raised that food is sustenance and a meal time is functional act, and often it’s the only time I get that’s quiet.

I am naturally sociable and extroverted so although I talk all day, I am still chatty to DH in the evenings, but at mealtimes not so much, and I’m happy to eat first, then chat after.

He is sad I don’t talk more when we eat. I’m just hungry and want to eat. Sometimes I don’t even sit with him as I don’t want a long meal time I just want to eat the food.

He says I talk too much about topics he finds frustrating, by this he means gossip and drama. So talking about other people, perhaps something someone said or did. I am aware that sometimes I fill silences with chit chat and can veer into this type of topic and when he doesn’t respond, sometimes I talk more in the misguided hope he will join in. He doesn’t like ‘judging people’ so doesn’t like gossiping. Fair enough, but I don’t know if this means I need to read more news so I have more topics to converse in

However he doesn’t really initiate topics or try to move conversations on - so he’s tolerating these in silence, and getting annoyed and frustrated.

He claims he ‘doesn’t want to be rude’ by asking me to change the subject, or communicating he would rather move on, so I have no idea at the time and continue.

He will complain if I ‘go quiet’ ie go on my phone as he will say ‘but I haven’t seen you all day’ so I am expected to talk, and not have my own down time, but I often don’t know what I should talk about, and getting him to talk to me can be a challenge.

I often feel all the weight of the responsibility of talking to him and holding conversations and when I ask him to contribute, often he will say ‘I don’t have much to add’ or ‘my day wasn’t very interesting’ so I start scrabbling around for topics and asking questions.

He says I make him feel boring. I don’t know how I can help with that. Or talk less or recognise when I’m repeating myself?

has anyone ever been in this situation

It’s strange he claims to be non judgmental as he’s certainly very judgmental of you.

He sounds very judgemental of you!

You should do everything the way he wants because he is superior (apparently), perhaps you need to discuss male privilege and entitlement at every meal time?

Haha he does not like it when I bring up male privilege, but I think he knows better now than to try to debate with me that men have it tough too. Like as if I would have been insinuating that men have no problems at all 🙄

I do talk about other people, I’m also happy to stop doing this if it’s not interesting but I can’t possibly be responsible for managing all the topics of conversation.

I do ask about his job but he says it’s not very interesting to share much.

He isn’t controlling in any other area of life that I’m aware of, so it’s not like I’m living under a dictatorship or anything

We could listen to a podcast when we eat I wouldn’t mind, but I’m pretty sure he is fixed on dinner time being chat time. I’m going to push back on him for topics of conversation much harder though from now on and stop dancing to his tune

I have listened to some of the podcasts he has sent me but they aren’t always my cup of tea. I also find politics quite draining although I am interested in it and have opinions, I also need regular scheduled breaks from the depression of the news

I have an interest in understanding human behaviour, I like to make sense of it, he sees all that as none of his business

This all sounds very tedious…on both your parts!

I am by nature an introvert and don’t ‘just chit chat’…so I’m with your DH on this and would find your gossip irritating! Also, despite being an introvert, I simply couldn’t sit opposite someone and eat in silence…this seems very weird to me. I’d like a decent conversation about something we’d all like to be involved in. I think you need to brush up on your conversational skills OP.

All this talk about podcasts sounds like homework that he’s going to grade you on. I would not want to discuss politics while I’m trying to relax and enjoy my meal.

He is making meals together very stressful. It sounds like you’ve tried various things to accommodate him. I would stop that now and eat when you want without being expected to entertain him.

Although to be fair, an awful lot of politics really is about human behaviour (much of it completely baffling) at the moment.

he does not like it when I bring up male privilege

I think you have your answer, then. If he wants a performing seal, he can have one who gives a nightly lecture on feminism.

OMG all this sounds so exhausting!! Eat whenever you want, eat in silence and if he says something just say “sorry babe I am tired and I’d rather not talk but I’d love to hear about your day”. Or tell him we are putting the TV on - why does he have to agree? Is he your father or your teacher? Just put the TV on and say let’s try something different.
No reason to overthink or over complicate. You are not there to satisfy his needs. He wants to chat? Let him chat. He doesn’t do it? Oh well, silence it is. It’s not your job to make him a less boring conversationalist. It’s not your job to pick a conversation topic. Why are you trying to work with his boundaries but he isn’t respecting yours?

Tell him to fuck right off and let you eat your meal in peace.
All of this just sounds so controlling and exhausting and he’s got you worrying unnecessarily about what you can and can’t say. He doesn’t want a quiet meal but he finds a lot of what you talk about inane and beneath him. Yet he doesn’t contribute to the conversation much himself. So you are responsible for initiating and maintaining the conversation. Sorry but that’s unacceptable.
‘Look OP. My preference is not to be talking while I’m eating. I’m happy to chat afterwards. If you want a conversation during the meal then you have to actually participate in it, I’m done with making all the effort myself only to be told you don’t like what I talk about.’

This sounds exhausting.

You can’t just come home and be yourself!!!

Everything you do seems to be wrong doesn’t it? You’re quiet and hungry- wrong. You’re chatty- wrong. You don’t listen to his podcast recommendations- wrong.

He sounds needy and hard work.

What about you come home and do what the hell you want? You’re hungry? Eat. You want to be quiet? Be quiet! You want to gossip? You get the picture.

The thing about love is you’re supposed to actually like the person you’re with. Not expect them to stand on ceremony play acting precisely what you need at every turn.

But she is exhausted and “touched out” by a day spent interacting with others. In addition he seems highly critical of her interests and conversation preferring to be treated as an important guest himself who she should interview and cater to. How is that fair?

It sounds like what he really wants is not chat but connection. At the end of a day spent working by himself, he feels a need to reconnect, to feel partnered-up and cared-for, heard and understood. So silence over dinner, or talk about OP's colleagues, isn't meeting that need.

But I'm guessing he doesn't realise this himself, and, for whatever reason - emotional immaturity, blocks from childhood, fear of rejection - he's not able to initiate contact or even recognise what's missing.

Short of therapy for him, I don't have many suggestions. You might try talking about the podcasts, but instead of discussing the ins and outs of what the politicians said, try to get him to open up about how it all makes him feel?

Yeah he’s putting the pressure on the OP to make conversation but doesn’t like what she wants to talk about and quietly seethes over it without having the grace to let her know. He wants you to entertain him OP but what does he do his end? Sounds like you’re completely different characters.

He sounds like he wants to be a reality tv producer shaping the narrative, where the OP has become a contestant and a product designed for (his) entertainment and castigation, rather than her simply living her life.

I wonder if he might be getting a bit of a kick out of creating conflict. Because surely nobody can be that stupid as to be like this?

Gosh so much to unlock here.

He wants to talk over a meal but when you do talk, he doesn’t like what you say. He won’t start a topic either- as he doesn’t have much to say himself anyway. You fill silences with chit chat but he doesn’t like that. He complains when you go quiet. You eat late because of him anyway and are usually very hungry.

It’s him. It’s all him. And he’s being very manipulative to make it your problem. I couldn’t tolerate this one bit. I’d I were you I’d stop trying. Eat your meals when and in the quiet you like. You aren’t here just to entertain him.

You sound incompatible on a lot of levels.

Right so I spoke to him at bedtime and he’s genuinely not finding it easy to make these connections

I asked what is it that you don’t like me talking about, for whatever reason. He answered it’s mainly 1 or 2 topics (about other people)

then he said but I’m not saying you never have to talk about them but maybe talk about something else

so I said, ok who is responsible for the ‘something else’? Me or you?

if you want a different topic then think of one
if you want me to stop talking then tell me

I am not a mind reader and you need to COMMUNICATE with me

I did say I had taken on the role of ‘talker’ and he seemed to be a passive bystander and I would appreciate him making more effort to come up with topics and ask questions and offer opinions OR tolerate silence. I asked him if I stopped filling the silences, would he mind? He said he might assume something is wrong if I’m not talking

so yes I said look I can’t win can I?

I said I found it very tiring and he needed to pull his weight

He was totally floored and struggled to connect his role here, but we agreed to try the conversation cards and he will make more effort or I’m just going to be quieter

You just sound incompatible.

You don’t have to stay together. A relationship shouldn’t be this much hard work…

he sounds really unhelpful and impossible to please.

He was totally floored and struggled to connect his role here,

He’s passive to the point he views your role as a child views their mum’s - entitled expectations

I think considering you’re tired when you return from work and socialed out, and that eating in virtual silence was the norm for you growing up, you’re playing an absolute blinder in trying to accommodate your OH here.

You’re making the entire effort (despite the above) bc you want to please him, while he sits back like some king, criticising you, expecting you to read his mind and always dissatisfied with the results. You need to be a lot firmer with him or tell him you’re eating separately from now on as you could do without the stress straight after work.

I have genuinely never ever heard of a couple needing to report to conversation cards - didn’t even know they existed.

Stop allowing him to dictate your life - relationships are meant to be give and take - and ENJOYABLE.

It’s starting to sound a bit passive aggressive now. Why would he think something is wrong if you’re quiet when you’ve already clearly communicated you’d rather eat than talk at mealtimes and you’re doing all the work for the conversation he says he wants (then criticises)?

This should be quite easy to understand.

I feel like there’s something I am missing here. When do you guys just talk normally? Do you do that a time other than at the dinner table?
I think being married you sometimes tolerate your partner talking about things that are interesting to them but not you and vice versa. The fact your DH is “floored” by what you’ve told him about him having a part to play in conversations is genuinely bizarre on the face of things. Maybe there is more to it but having to use conversation cards regularly due to conversation been problematic at dinner sounds a little odd. I just want to relax when I’m at home and not “perform” in any way and just be me.

I agree it's odd, but this guy is clearly way more out of touch with his own emotions than most (and that's saying something)

OP: I am not a mind reader and you need to COMMUNICATE with me

It's good that you said this. Never fails to surprise me how many people unconsciously expect their partner to fulfil their needs without them having to ask, as if this was some sort of proof of their love.

You'll probably need to make this same point over and over to him, but if he's willing to admit that he might change, there is hope!

I read about that, sulking is what a toddler would do. They do it because they expect their mother to come in and instinctively know , without words, what the problem is, pick them up and hug them and give them attention.

It’s babyish and a right turn off when you think of it that way.

WTAF
If he wants to connect its a 2 way process not just " entertain me, no not like that its wrong "
Women are not therapy centres for men

I wonder if he might be getting a bit of a kick out of creating conflict. Because surely nobody can be that stupid as to be like this?

Bingo

Hmm Im wondering
If he has suddenly become like this, is there someone who is on his radar who he does have the type of conversations with, hence his criticisms of Op ?