Recurring rows with DH about conversation and silence at mealtimes

[Halffan]

I am struggling with my DH, we seem to go through phases of this where it builds up and then we will argue and then we will talk, resolve things and it improves only to repeat the cycles.

DH has a quiet job where he spends most of the day in his own head. I have an extremely sociable job where I am talking non stop all day.

DH was raised as a child that meal times were social events where you sat and talked and shared details of your day

I was raised that food is sustenance and a meal time is functional act, and often it’s the only time I get that’s quiet.

I am naturally sociable and extroverted so although I talk all day, I am still chatty to DH in the evenings, but at mealtimes not so much, and I’m happy to eat first, then chat after.

He is sad I don’t talk more when we eat. I’m just hungry and want to eat. Sometimes I don’t even sit with him as I don’t want a long meal time I just want to eat the food.

He says I talk too much about topics he finds frustrating, by this he means gossip and drama. So talking about other people, perhaps something someone said or did. I am aware that sometimes I fill silences with chit chat and can veer into this type of topic and when he doesn’t respond, sometimes I talk more in the misguided hope he will join in. He doesn’t like ‘judging people’ so doesn’t like gossiping. Fair enough, but I don’t know if this means I need to read more news so I have more topics to converse in

However he doesn’t really initiate topics or try to move conversations on - so he’s tolerating these in silence, and getting annoyed and frustrated.

He claims he ‘doesn’t want to be rude’ by asking me to change the subject, or communicating he would rather move on, so I have no idea at the time and continue.

He will complain if I ‘go quiet’ ie go on my phone as he will say ‘but I haven’t seen you all day’ so I am expected to talk, and not have my own down time, but I often don’t know what I should talk about, and getting him to talk to me can be a challenge.

I often feel all the weight of the responsibility of talking to him and holding conversations and when I ask him to contribute, often he will say ‘I don’t have much to add’ or ‘my day wasn’t very interesting’ so I start scrabbling around for topics and asking questions.

He says I make him feel boring. I don’t know how I can help with that. Or talk less or recognise when I’m repeating myself?

has anyone ever been in this situation

I also spent a few weeks asking everyone to tell us what they liked about their day (yes we do have kids but not living here all the time), I also have tried ‘tell me 3 good things that happened today’ or even going around the table telling each other something positive about the person sitting next to them.

So I do try this stuff but you know, no:
I don’t know what Donald Trump said today
I don’t know what happened in that podcast he told me to listen to
I don’t know the ins and outs of petrol prices

but I did know Katie Price lost her husband in Dubai and I thought this was interesting as a cat fish scam so this was a topic I went on about for too long apparently

Maybe try asking him questions.
if he says ‘well I can’t explain it’ say ‘try’.
then follow up with ‘ what happened then?
why did they do that?’ ‘Who do you think is right?’ Etc
keep feeding him questions and eat your food. Look as if you’re listening. BUT you don’t have to listen!

or
explain to him the way you’ve explained to us, that whatever you do he thinks you’re wrong!

Sounds draining- shouldn’t be such hard work. Our dinner times are sometimes chatty, sometimes rushed, sometimes quiet, sometimes stressful with the kids, it just depends on how our day has gone. There’s no pressure.

If he doesn't think he's a good or interesting talker, how does he imagine he'll get better without practice? He should lead these conversations he wants to have, not expect you to research topics and do the work for him.

Also, you need to eat earlier - if his preference for eating later is making you so hungry you can't focus, then it's not a good arrangement. How about you eat earlier, but then sit with him and just have a drink, slice of cake or piece of fruit when he eats?

He sounds like a child and you sound like his mum.
It’s frankly odd!!

However, I do need some intellectual conversations - it doesn’t mean I’m super intelligent I just have no desire to care about random celebrities or what Tracy in number 4 is doing.

I do not want to talk much whilst I’m eating either.

I’m so confused by how you’re both so different!
He wants to talk about a podcast and you want to talk about Katie Price 😂

Have you both always been like this or have you become more different over the years?

He sounds utterly self-absorbed. I think you need more boundaries with him more than anything else. If you’re trying to meet his ridiculous, selfish demands then he has no reason not to keep making them.

No I disagree
He sounds controlling
Conversation is a 2 way thing not a summons to perform
Who the fuck does he think he is?

Haha actually I have a real view of ‘gossip’ as a fully formed personal philosophy

unconscious bias is real and not disputing that however

its human nature to gossip and for women, it’s actually inherently partly socialisation, but also a protective factor. Women gossip to share wisdom and news and bond socially.

talking about the news and Donald Trump can be technically gossip/speculation depending on the topic being discussed, it’s just some topics are seen as superior to one another

the last time DH said ‘well I’m not a judgmental person’ I did respond by telling him that it was male privilege and that a certain degree of judgment was required to you know, protect me from violent crimes, of which statistically I was more vulnerable than him

You know he’s an idiot, Don’t you? He seems incapable of grasping that you are two different people with utterly different work situations, personal styles, and preferences.

You are nit obligated to exhaust yourself to give him the mealtime socialization that he wants. Eat by yourself. He can watch tv or listen to a podcast.

I don’t care whether you agree or not tbf. 😌

I think he is setting you up to fail here

He wants more conversation
He doesn't want to initiate a conversation
He doesn't want you to talk about things that interest you but won't tell you
He makes judgemental comments about gossip
He doesn't want to sit in silence

I can't see what you're actually meant to do here. Why is it all on you to solve? What's he actually doing to solve an issue that he has, other than ask you to change and develop an interest in political podcasts so you can entertain him on a topic of his choosing?

Honestly he sounds a bit controlling. I don't think every day conversations should be this hard work

Are you this incompatible in other areas of your life together?

The problem here is that your not very matched together and your husband is actually boring. As for dinner time, it’s called DINNER time for a reason not to sit & chat, eat your food first and then chat. Nothing worse than trying to eat and have a full blown conversation. Sorry but if I was you, i’d admit to myself that this isn’t much of a relationship and end it.

why not?

That’s entirely subjective and cultural. If you told a French or Italian or Arab person that “dinner” time is not to chat they would think you were insane.

You’re just not even remotely compatible.

if kids are already left, why are you still with him? I’m not sure why anyone would choose living with someone like this rather than be single, unless there was some reason I had to. Finances or something?

he’s staggeringly selfish, and expects you to entertain him despite the fact that you’re all talked out from work.

fuck that for a life.

can I ask what you mean by "gossip"?

"I humour mine. The nonsense they talk... their hideous hobbies and niche interests"

Gross, you sound disrespectful, and like you are superior to them. What makes you the grand arbiter of what is nonsense and a hideous hobby?

100% this.

It’s one thing to want conversation at meal times, but quite another to dictate such specific terms and criticise you for “making him feel boring” etc. The burden and the blame both fall on you, and he appears exempt from any responsibility.

This has a distinct whiff of negging/controlling behaviour. Is he like this in other aspects of your shared life too?

I wish more women realised how wonderful being single is.

Do you ask him about his work, what he's doing and how it's going? It is a bit unfortunate if he has been brought up thinking mealtimes are a relaxing time to chat and you think they should be silent. I would find it odd that you chat all day to everyone, but when he is free at mealtimes you go silent, or can't think of anything to talk about except gossip. Do you have nothing in common?

He sounds like someone who I wouldn't enjoy having conversations with, tbh. Do you sometimes enjoy talking to him @Halffan - or is it always a chore?

I feel like the real issue here is that he doesn’t respect that your needs aren’t being met at all here, and he expects you to meet his by doing a huge amount of work.

In our house we’re all introverts, and we all like downtime while we’re eating because we have been ‘on’ all day at work and school. We agree that we can take meal times as head space. We chit-chat while preparing the meal, travelling home from school, and/or over a cup of tea on getting home. Anything that needs downloading can be shared then. Sometimes, we make agreement to be more social- while out for dinner or on the weekends.

Sometimes I want to have a decent conversation but my H is talked out, and we have to manage that (because often he has the conversation he wants and then shuts off when I move on to the conversation I want). Sometimes he wants to download but I’m not even in the door yet and have a million things happening for me all at once, and I struggle to be present for him. but he is pretty good at hearing when we have these mismatches and we both make amends when necessary. It’s not impossible, but you both have to be open to compromise- and I’m not sure your H is willing to do that.

I don't respect them, I love them. When and if they do something to respect them for, I shall treat them with respect.
Yes, intellectually I am superior to them by virtue of my education (they have yet to go through university and get their degrees)
A hideous hobby of theirs is their university (!!!!) Quiddich team. An embarrassment.

He tells you he's not a judgemental person while silently or not so silently judging you, his wife.

It sounds like the 2 of you are thoroughly fed up with each other and both stuck I your own ways.

I don't agree that gossip is necessarily female, I'm female I'm happy to gossip a bit but going on and on would bore me to tears. Equally going on about politics is boring too. In a couple what makes it work is that you get each other but it looks like yo don't get each other any more and get on each others nerves instead.

Maybe try having sex --not at dinner- and see if you relax around each other.

It sounds really hard and that you are actually deeply incompatible.

He also sounds very controlling.

Do you really want to retire with him?
Do you really want this to be your future?

Think long and hard about it, because he sounds awful.

In your place I would crave space and peace from him and his controlling demands.