Recurring rows with DH about conversation and silence at mealtimes

[Halffan]

I am struggling with my DH, we seem to go through phases of this where it builds up and then we will argue and then we will talk, resolve things and it improves only to repeat the cycles.

DH has a quiet job where he spends most of the day in his own head. I have an extremely sociable job where I am talking non stop all day.

DH was raised as a child that meal times were social events where you sat and talked and shared details of your day

I was raised that food is sustenance and a meal time is functional act, and often it’s the only time I get that’s quiet.

I am naturally sociable and extroverted so although I talk all day, I am still chatty to DH in the evenings, but at mealtimes not so much, and I’m happy to eat first, then chat after.

He is sad I don’t talk more when we eat. I’m just hungry and want to eat. Sometimes I don’t even sit with him as I don’t want a long meal time I just want to eat the food.

He says I talk too much about topics he finds frustrating, by this he means gossip and drama. So talking about other people, perhaps something someone said or did. I am aware that sometimes I fill silences with chit chat and can veer into this type of topic and when he doesn’t respond, sometimes I talk more in the misguided hope he will join in. He doesn’t like ‘judging people’ so doesn’t like gossiping. Fair enough, but I don’t know if this means I need to read more news so I have more topics to converse in

However he doesn’t really initiate topics or try to move conversations on - so he’s tolerating these in silence, and getting annoyed and frustrated.

He claims he ‘doesn’t want to be rude’ by asking me to change the subject, or communicating he would rather move on, so I have no idea at the time and continue.

He will complain if I ‘go quiet’ ie go on my phone as he will say ‘but I haven’t seen you all day’ so I am expected to talk, and not have my own down time, but I often don’t know what I should talk about, and getting him to talk to me can be a challenge.

I often feel all the weight of the responsibility of talking to him and holding conversations and when I ask him to contribute, often he will say ‘I don’t have much to add’ or ‘my day wasn’t very interesting’ so I start scrabbling around for topics and asking questions.

He says I make him feel boring. I don’t know how I can help with that. Or talk less or recognise when I’m repeating myself?

has anyone ever been in this situation

He doesn't want you to talk about what you want to talk about, doesn't want you to be quiet, what does he want?

Perhaps he wants you to show an interest in him and his day?

Does he show an interest in you and your day?

Or does he just want to be the Important Man with a wife who exists to centre him?

I think your husband needs to be more understanding that you are mentally exhausted by the end of the day. Yes he isn't but you are and I think he needs to accept that. As a loving husband he should. You are not a bloody robot or as someone earlier said 'an entertainment device'. Seriously, make sure he really understands how much you need to just stop and be in the evenings. He should respect that.

So you're damned if you do and damned if you don't?
I'd probably just tell him to fuck off at this point.

Do you have children? Honestly, relationships shouldn't be this hard.

Sounds like everything you do is wrong in some way.

Read ‘women who love too much’ and see if it rings any bells with you. Good luck x

Seriously? With your husband?

@Halffan What was it like before you married? Did conversation flow easily? How about when you're out with friends?

He can't have it both ways. He can't complain you're quiet and then object to your topics. It's not a debating society

When he complains just say what do you want to talk about?

Surely the late meal time is a huge part of the problem?

is there less of an issue at weekends?

I can't say I've ever really thought about whether we chat at mealtimes, or certainly not with this level of angst. We mostly sit together. Sometimes we have things to say. Sometimes we are just hungry and the focus is food.

I'd say the issue is his job. My husband used to work in a job where he didn't really speak to colleagues and he had nothing to say. It was one of the reasons for leaving. Now he works in a place where we have mutual acquaintances and it flows easier.

Can't you put the radio on or something? How old are you? We've been doing DIY with Virgin radio on (not a station I'd normally have as like you I need to work in silence because there's a lot of other noise) and it's loads of music from our teenage years so we've had a fair few chats about that.

Failing that they might play the Lola Young song that immediately sprang to mind with this situation.

We always have a quiz on at mealtimes. We all shout the answers out and then often stop and discuss a historical point or what we all think the answers are etc. You could give it a try

I don’t understand his thinking at all. He doesn’t want you not to talk, but he doesn’t want you to talk about the things you naturally make conversation about. He wants you to talk about specific topics but can’t say what they are, you have to think of them then they need to meet his approval but he will neither confirm or deny if they do, nor will he contribute much to the conversation. Is he for real?

He should take it personally and get upset, but he needs to stop blaming you for him being boring and do something about it himself. Maybe there is a podcast on the subject he could listen to 😉

Is there any point of the day when you benefit from his company or get enjoyment from him being around?

Ikwym OP , i don't like meals in front of the tv as a rule, but maybe you both just need something to make meals easy and relaxing again instead of stressing you both out?

Or radio? Or music?

Maybe some nights but not others?

Just sounds like you're in a rut and you need to change something, while not making something as fundamental as food into a stress!

Its worth examining too what are both of your preferences and what you treat as absolute rules eg 'everyone knows tv should never be on at meal times!'
Sometimes it helps to soften everyone's position to acknowledge its just a preference and the 'rules' can be broken.

It does sound like he's doing all the complaining and you're making all the effort. You do need his buy in that 'neither of us are happy at meal times' is an US problem and WE are going to solve it together.

When me and DH have been through some very stressful times, we have struggled to not bring up the stressor constantly - because it's top of mind. We have both tried to come up with other topics which can feel fake at first but if you both buy in to it and make the effort to engage, it can work.
Eg tell me something nice that's happened recently?
What computer games have you been playing?
What book are you reading? Are you enjoying it? Why/ not?
What cd have you got on in your car?
Tell me something you're looking forward to?
What do you think about xyz (some current affairs thing) - if you don't know about it, the other replies 'I don't know about that, tell me about it?

Sounds fake and forced but its often just enough to help shift us both out of problem mode and into chat mode.

Good luck.

The big issue here is that you've married a prat.

DH is a silent eater and so are all his family, I am trying to train my DSs not to be like this but as the food starts getting eaten the silence descends. I am from a very big family who are reasonably chatty and I honestly think it's rude to sit and eat in silence without making conversation with the people you're with. But, I wouldn't bother for somebody who is so persnickety about what you do and don't talk about!

That said, sometimes we just watch Taskmaster.

Your dh sounds tedious and whiney.

Can you try a compromise some dinners in the week are social maybe friday-sunday and others a more simple and quiet affair? And mix up the conversation topics, it helps when both people are interested in things, read books, watch films and documentaries watch the news, read an interesting magazine, at least occasionally. You both need to make an effort.

You just don’t sound very compatible.

Could you listen to podcasts together, and discuss them, while you’re eating? Maybe listen for a few minutes, discuss, then another few minutes and so on?

The thing is, the way you eat together doesn't work for either of you. So you either put up with it or tell him to piss off and do it your own way. You can't get it right so what's the point in trying?

Tell him the burden is on him. You are not a fucking media device, you're never going to listen to his podcasts and if he doesn't shut up about it, you'll be eating separately from him.

This sounds like a homework assignment! Honestly, mealtimes should not be such hard work. Your husband sounds exhausting.

He doesn’t like ‘judging people’ so doesn’t like gossiping.

I am the same as him in this sense.
I hate talking about other people - how boring and gossipy.
Me and my family used to fall out a lot, as my sister and mums conversations were all about other people and gossiping and I hate it.

Surely you can think of something other to say than gossiping about your colleagues or neighbours?

However, I am like you where I don’t like talking when I’m eating and it would really annoy me having to have a conversation whilst I’m trying to eat.

Even when I go out with friends for a meal, conversation goes much quieter whilst we’re eating.

What would really annoy me is him wanting conversation but expecting you to lead it.
I would tell him if he wants to talk then he needs to start the discussions.

I always watch TV when I’m eating.
Why not do this as a compromise - whilst you’re eating you can be watching a good series. Then after the episode you’ll have finished your food and you can talk about it.

Can I ask what your set questions are? That sounds nice

This

Does he want you to feel wrong footed? Because this is what he's doing. He wants you to talk but only if it interests him. He isn't joining in and bringing up his own topics and just judging yours. He's being a little unreasonable.

I think the issue here is that he is actually quite boring.

I can see he’s struggling as he might realise he’s being unreasonable and this makes him more upset. He has apologised for recently blowing up at me and out split a load of info like this that I was oblivious to yet again. Like I had ignored him at dinner time - it was 7.30pm, I was hungry, I was keen for us to go out for a walk, I did not see any value in making dinner longer - the socialisation was the walk!

He is not good at being an effective communicator. He’s been taught ‘if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all’ but you know what this results in… passive aggression! Whilst I don’t think people should go around being rude to others, there are skills you can develop to move away from subjects that are boring or hit a nerve. He doesn’t do this so by the time I realise I’m in too deep, he’s already bothered.

sometimes we talk about people we know - it’s so so hard to find topics of conversation. I don’t read as much world news as he does (I don’t have time) and I suppose I’m less well educated than he is, and things I like to talk about he seems to find boring and uninteresting. Yet he’s telling me he thinks he’s boring? I don’t find him boring, I just find him not very talkative.

I’ve told him that if he wants more conversation he’s going to have to take the lead and responsibility for meeting his own needs. I’m not here for entertainment. He sees it very transactionally, equating this attention he wants with love I think. He does seem to want me to make him feel less boring as he’s always going on about how he imagines I want more excitement. Tbh I’m tired, I am not looking for even more over stimulation in life 😂