Recurring rows with DH about conversation and silence at mealtimes

[Halffan]

I am struggling with my DH, we seem to go through phases of this where it builds up and then we will argue and then we will talk, resolve things and it improves only to repeat the cycles.

DH has a quiet job where he spends most of the day in his own head. I have an extremely sociable job where I am talking non stop all day.

DH was raised as a child that meal times were social events where you sat and talked and shared details of your day

I was raised that food is sustenance and a meal time is functional act, and often it’s the only time I get that’s quiet.

I am naturally sociable and extroverted so although I talk all day, I am still chatty to DH in the evenings, but at mealtimes not so much, and I’m happy to eat first, then chat after.

He is sad I don’t talk more when we eat. I’m just hungry and want to eat. Sometimes I don’t even sit with him as I don’t want a long meal time I just want to eat the food.

He says I talk too much about topics he finds frustrating, by this he means gossip and drama. So talking about other people, perhaps something someone said or did. I am aware that sometimes I fill silences with chit chat and can veer into this type of topic and when he doesn’t respond, sometimes I talk more in the misguided hope he will join in. He doesn’t like ‘judging people’ so doesn’t like gossiping. Fair enough, but I don’t know if this means I need to read more news so I have more topics to converse in

However he doesn’t really initiate topics or try to move conversations on - so he’s tolerating these in silence, and getting annoyed and frustrated.

He claims he ‘doesn’t want to be rude’ by asking me to change the subject, or communicating he would rather move on, so I have no idea at the time and continue.

He will complain if I ‘go quiet’ ie go on my phone as he will say ‘but I haven’t seen you all day’ so I am expected to talk, and not have my own down time, but I often don’t know what I should talk about, and getting him to talk to me can be a challenge.

I often feel all the weight of the responsibility of talking to him and holding conversations and when I ask him to contribute, often he will say ‘I don’t have much to add’ or ‘my day wasn’t very interesting’ so I start scrabbling around for topics and asking questions.

He says I make him feel boring. I don’t know how I can help with that. Or talk less or recognise when I’m repeating myself?

has anyone ever been in this situation

I mean it sounds like he’s got you coming and going.

he doesn’t like it when you are silent but he objects to what you talk about and he won’t say at the time.

maybe conversation cards?

I used these with my mum

https://www.reallygoodconversations.co.uk/?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=22703340159&gbraid=0AAAABATR61zHeD7DSAYyPZtk2wvnU7-9X&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIjNz-tP7OlAMVoItQBh1Nujd-EAAYBCAAEgKCBfD_BwE

get him to pick out in advance the ones he is happy with

I am at home all day and my other half has a very busy/social day.
I used to love talking to him when he first got home/during meals but I quickly realised it was too much. So now I find things to do elsewhere, I know is frowned upon but we will stick something like House of Games on with dinner, and then we talk after that.
I am more reserved and I also found sometimes he would offload his day onto me, and I also said it was too much.
The irony is you need to talk about it. You are both very different people from different family systems.
If you get on well otherwise this just needs a bit of compromise. We have a routine with works now.

So he wants to talk but has nothing to say?

He is sad I don’t talk more when we eat.

Sad you-singlar don't talk more; not sad you-plural don't talk more?

You're not an entertainment device. If he wants conversation, he needs to provide some.

(Repeated gossip about people I don't know would make me want to chew my own ears off, so I'm with him there, but if he want to discuss deeper topics he can start.)

I can see both sides for much of your post, but the mealtime issue I think YABVU. It is miserable sitting in silence with someone who puts their head in their plate, ploughs through their meal then leaves. My dad was like this growing up and it was shit.

Mealtimes are great times for being social, for some families that is the only time to get together, so to sit there without talking seems weird to me.

However, your DH is giving mixed messages, doesn’t like when you talk and when you don’t.

Do you talk about everyday topics?

These do look good. I can see myself using this type of thing in a specific situation of like a date night but after a 10 hour day of talking and decision making, I feel like this might be too heavy for my brain!

I think our jobs are a big factor, I am conversationally and mentally very tired so the light mundane chit chat feels less tiring.

He appears to read a lot more news than I do, so you would think he could ask these questions

He can’t understand why I don’t listen to interesting podcasts casts all day like he does and constantly giving me endless recommendations which I never have time to listen to

I literally can’t function listening to multiple voices of people talking whilst I am also talking and typing at work 😐

I do try to join in for meal times but often he’s got back really late from work, I’m absolutely starving and just need to eat. We do go for family meals, eat out and I sit at the table 9/10, but he will pick up if I don’t on 1/10 occasion.

Also I don’t talk while I eat as I have food in my mouth. I try not to get up and leave but if it’s gone on an hour, I would find that hard

Could you ask him what podcasts he’s been listening to, and to fill you in? I don’t know that you should have to, mind, but in the spirit of finding some middle ground…

He sounds fucking boring.

Now that DH and I are empty nesters, we usually eat tea in front of the telly with a tray on our knees. I know MN strongly believes that mealtimes should be mandatory "talk about your day" time but I can't bear people talking with food on their mouth! I want to concentrate on my grub.

After tea (dinner, supper, whatever you call it), we walk the dog and chat. DH drones on about his hobby and I chat about family, colleagues. I don't consider that gossiping - it's the stuff of life!

Do you have kids? We’ve found since our first was born, kids provide endless focus for conversation - about them when they were tiny, with them once they can speak.

It sounds like this is a him problem. He expects you to bear the burden of:

• initiating conversations
• selecting topics that he will find interesting
• muting things that he will not
• somehow guessing when he is not finding the conversation interesting
• at the same time not being able to remain quiet
• maintaining the conversation throughout
• making him feel boring

To me his behaviour is not reasonable at all. It sounds like you have to effectively perform for him. It doesn’t even sound like he wants authentic conversation and connection. I don’t know if this manifests in other parts of the relationship.

I hate this too. I'd rather eat alone in that case.

He sounds like a dick! I say eat when you are hungry (especially if it’s your turn to cook & you want it over and done with) and put the ‘problem’ back on him. He wants to talk? He can pick the conversation.
repeat every night: “what would you like to talk about tonight darling?”

You're coming at the same issue from completely opposite ends, aren't you. On the one hand, he's been on his own all day with nobody to talk to or to discuss things with, and needs to be able to talk about his day or things of interest to him. On the other hand, you've spent the whole day talking and need to come home, chill out and you want to have some peace and quiet in order to decompress.

Neither of you have the opportunity of getting things off your chest without either boring or annoying the other.

Our DCs loved winding DH up at meals. All of us were chatty. DH would express an opinion on occasions and DC would then land on him with the opposite one. Often they would go in quite hard on something like unemployment, immigration, housing etc. They would have great fun winding him up and he would laugh in the end after seeing that they were doing it to see a reaction. He was normally a quiet calm person, so this was their fun. He did enjoy it though.

Surely this is the answer.

He talks you listen? Or is that too much still? You can eat, nod smile etc. dies he needs the response?

I work from home with little interaction with people. DH works in a office. It's part of our routine that he has a good rant about the stuff that happened at work and I listen and laugh and get some vicarious interactions from that, maybe share the silly things a client has said to me too. But we are both introverts and happily sit in silence for much of the evening

I do think this is exactly the issue.

I don’t get much time for decompression and he takes it very personally when I do.

I think I overcompensate for this by talking too much about pointless topics

I’ve tried explaining we are just different people but he takes it quite personally and gets upset

The issue here is that he thinks he is a boring talker so he is reluctant to explain things. He usually just recommends I listen to them. I have tired to help his confidence but ultimately I can’t make him overcome this worry.

I wouldn’t say I eat in total silence but sometimes I just need to, I’m hungry 😂

Oh FFS, just put the TV on!

Sounds like you need to decompress before you eat together. Perhaps grab a snack, then decompress, then dinner?

He is being unreasonable to complain that you don’t chat enough and then complain about what you do chat about!!!

Never TV!

Could you stop at the gym on the way home and decompress there? Just have dinner an hour later?

Do you have to eat together? If you're hungry and you don't like talking at the table anyway, just eat beforehand. You can still sit together afterwards or while he's eating. It sounds like your DH is being a bit of an idiot about it though, and contrary for no reason. We eat as a family because we have teens and it's the only time we habitually sit together and I can talk to them about their day. DH doesn't talk much and as a result he's a bit on the outside but that's his choice. He chips in when he wants. We do have set questions though. The kids like it and do it even if I'm away, and remind me if I forget.