Recurring rows with DH about conversation and silence at mealtimes

[Halffan]

I am struggling with my DH, we seem to go through phases of this where it builds up and then we will argue and then we will talk, resolve things and it improves only to repeat the cycles.

DH has a quiet job where he spends most of the day in his own head. I have an extremely sociable job where I am talking non stop all day.

DH was raised as a child that meal times were social events where you sat and talked and shared details of your day

I was raised that food is sustenance and a meal time is functional act, and often it’s the only time I get that’s quiet.

I am naturally sociable and extroverted so although I talk all day, I am still chatty to DH in the evenings, but at mealtimes not so much, and I’m happy to eat first, then chat after.

He is sad I don’t talk more when we eat. I’m just hungry and want to eat. Sometimes I don’t even sit with him as I don’t want a long meal time I just want to eat the food.

He says I talk too much about topics he finds frustrating, by this he means gossip and drama. So talking about other people, perhaps something someone said or did. I am aware that sometimes I fill silences with chit chat and can veer into this type of topic and when he doesn’t respond, sometimes I talk more in the misguided hope he will join in. He doesn’t like ‘judging people’ so doesn’t like gossiping. Fair enough, but I don’t know if this means I need to read more news so I have more topics to converse in

However he doesn’t really initiate topics or try to move conversations on - so he’s tolerating these in silence, and getting annoyed and frustrated.

He claims he ‘doesn’t want to be rude’ by asking me to change the subject, or communicating he would rather move on, so I have no idea at the time and continue.

He will complain if I ‘go quiet’ ie go on my phone as he will say ‘but I haven’t seen you all day’ so I am expected to talk, and not have my own down time, but I often don’t know what I should talk about, and getting him to talk to me can be a challenge.

I often feel all the weight of the responsibility of talking to him and holding conversations and when I ask him to contribute, often he will say ‘I don’t have much to add’ or ‘my day wasn’t very interesting’ so I start scrabbling around for topics and asking questions.

He says I make him feel boring. I don’t know how I can help with that. Or talk less or recognise when I’m repeating myself?

has anyone ever been in this situation

He could take notes from his podcasts and use them to help him tell you about them.

Or he could stick on a podcast while you’re having your meal, then conversation might flow from it.

but ultimately I agree that you should be able to have some downtime after work. And that he can’t complain about there being no conversation if he’s not contributing.

Dh and I had communication mismatches years ago. I am like your dh, you are like mine. We read a book called something like Why Women Cry and Men Lie. IIRC it’s one of a pair of books, and we each read one and then swapped over. As a result we both recognised the other’s needs and both adapted the way we communicate with each other. It was very effective.

I can’t say I agreed with everything in the book, but overall it really helped enhance have our mutual contentment.

(We read a book - past tense, not present tense.)

If he wants a chat, he needs to initiate. Otherwise he can either listen to your chatter or let you eat in peace.

He's the problem here. I don't envy you!

I was going to say, could you not eat something light as soon as you get in - just enough to get your blood sugar up?
I would say being so hungry that you just want to eat with zero conversation at all is quite unusual and suggests your blood sugar has got too low - your brain has gone into zero fucks mode.

I don't like the sound of the way he criticises you for being quiet and then criticises the type of talking you do do, but I can see that being with someone who eats in silence would be difficult.

@Bestfootforward11 has written what I think.
He sounds self-pitiful, demanding, dismissive of your needs. When does he think of what you want? Is he trying to mold you into the person he wants from the person you are? He’s BU, for example noting you don’t sit with him 10% of the time. Like all of us, you need down time. Establish it and make him respect it. You’re not there to entertain him.

He sounds quite controlling & he wants you to entertain him of an evening. Maybe he needs to find a job which is more sociable & also get himself out & about with some like minded mates. He can’t seem to make his mind up - one minute he wants you to chat more but the next he says you gossip too much. I would start to dread coming home from work. We often eat around 7pm in front of C4 news with a tray.

Why ever not?

He sounds awful and critical
Like you are there as a robot to fulfill his needs with no needs of your own
JFC at the end of a hard day , talking to anxious, distressed and highly emotional people , the last thing I would want is Billy Big Balls telling me off for not talking the way he wants
Fucking hate podcasts-I cant think straight with someone yapping in my bloody ear, I prefer music or sweet sweet SILENCE

I think the whole chat over a meal Waltons thing is highly overated, unrealistic and there are times when you want to sit, companionably but quietly and eat.
Families often eat at different times during the week and bollocks to having to wait until he gets home
My prefererance is to eat something quick and simple during the week and have longer, enjoyable chatty meals Friday onwards
Yes I have a dining table, yes we all have good manners DH is a bit of a chomper

I do think mealtime silence is weird. If you need downtime, which is totally understandable, I don’t know why you’re choosing mealtimes. Isn’t it easier to decompress after a meal, go and sit quietly somewhere? Men aren’t really interested in gossip about people - “Yvonne said this, Mike said that.” However, he seems unconfident, and I don’t understand he can’t summarise what’s interesting in a podcast he’s listening to.

It seems like an odd pairing tbh. Communication is key in relationships.

My DH & I eat dinner in front of the tv every night. We both have busy jobs and just don’t really have the energy to chat during dinner. It’s not that we have nothing to say to each other, we’d just rather it came naturally, and if it’s a good series we’re both into, we often chat about it while we’re watching it. It sounds like the pressure around dinner conversation has built up so much that nothing you do now will make him happy! And it’ll start to feel forced and may create more tension. If I were you I’d take the pressure off, find a good series you both like and watch it while you eat, it might help the conversation to flow a bit more naturally

@Marmalade71 I have tried this but then I don’t want my dinner. I’m a lot smaller than him so I probably can’t go as long between meals as he can, plus I’ve likely last eaten at 12 and he eats late in the day (his choice) so by 7-8pm I am actually hangry

so I am already compromising by eating with him when I could just eat earlier. I have sat with him when he eats but in all honesty, watching people eat really isn’t my thing 😂

I don’t really understand why anyone enjoys a normal dinner meal with chat vs just talking normally. I would eat then chat. The eating part doesn’t seem to need to involve talking, I sometimes find it a bit ick

Why don’t you eat earlier in silence and then sit and chat with him when he’s eating?

I have to eat early too so I get it.

I dont think anyone has mentioned silence
This man is bullying her into coming up with conversations he wants but refuses to initiate, critical and sounds difficult
Hes ignoring her emotional needs and wellbeing
He can join any forum/club to talk about specific subjects but chooses to relentlessly instruct his wife instead

I think it’s more that they can’t communicate, have very different styles and interests and wonder how they ever got together, they don’t seem to have anything in common.

DW comes from a family of air fillers. Whilst not wishing anyone ill I cannot abide talking about people I don't know and have not met. I would hate to eat in silence though, that sounds dystopian

When you get to the point in a relationship that you are disagreeing and criticising each other about how you hold day to day conversations (not arguments) it’s probably beyond hope.

He does sound boring..... and controlling, you aren't his entertainment appliance.

I could see his point if he was trying to chat to you and you were just sitting in silence not responding

But he doesn’t want to talk, he wants you to do the talking, but only on topics he deems acceptable?? That’s completely unreasonable.

As a pp said, you are not an entertainment device. Tell him if he wants conversation you’re happy to join in but it’s on him to initiate- at least 50% of the time if not more.

You're in a lose/lose situation of his making and he arbitrarily moves the goalposts. You either perform for him in a manner he deems acceptable or he's not happy. Who died and made him the arbiter of how you eat your damn dinner?

You must be massively frustrated.

You're also going 7 to 8 hours without eating and your dinner is a bit late in the evening to accommodate him. Your blood sugar could be getting low and eating later could affect your sleep.

I think you need to have a chat about dinners becoming a performative event for him with permissable subjects, again for him. This is controlling. He's turned something that should be relaxing into a performance. Is he controlling in other areas of your life?

I'd personally eat when I was hungry but I can get hypoglycemic if I go too long without eating. Physical need takes priority over his need to have social interaction. Maybe eat separately and chat after his later dinner?

You are not your partner’s personalised prank monkey and he needs to respect this. If you are going to eat together, do it in front of the tv and that lets you off providing the entertainment. When you come home, have agreed time apart to destress. If things don’t improve, make your decision. In my experience, introverted men can seek out more outgoing women, then feel threatened/insecure, cling and control - and ultimately crush.

I humour mine. The nonsense they talk - I nod and smile and participate. All of them. Sometimes I even keep my side of the convo up, by throwing in a question or two and then listening. Not easy with their hideous hobbies and niche interests, but what do you do? I am a content person, so it does not bother me to humour them. They want to keep quiet at the table? No prob. An animated chat? No prob. Don't want to eat at the table but grab a bite elsewhere or in front of their computers? No prob. As long as with regard to bigger, really important value issues we are of the same mind, I don't give a damn.

Who can be bothered with all that. Surely some days there’s stuff to say other days you just want to eat in peace.

I often feel all the weight of the responsibility of talking to him and holding conversations and when I ask him to contribute, often he will say ‘I don’t have much to add’ or ‘my day wasn’t very interesting’ so I start scrabbling around for topics and asking questions

I think this is exactly the problem.

He may not be this type, but there is a certain of reserved man who marries a more sociable, energetic woman because he finds her energising and entertaining. That, amongst other things, is her job in the relationship. He is the audience member who gets to sit down and enjoy the show, but she needs to be on stage, performing.

It's perfectly normal and commonplace to not be able on concentrate to people taking when you're working. Maybe people can do this with very menial tasks, but usually not otherwise.

He can’t understand why I don’t listen to interesting podcasts casts all day like he does and constantly giving me endless recommendations which I never have time to listen to

What he means by that, is he's frustrated that you're not listening to these podcasts so that you are able to entertaining him with your views about them or facts at dinnertime. You are basically like an arcade game to him or like going to the cinema - he thinks that if h he puts something in, he'll get his required entertainment.

Also, I hate how men in particular frame talking about people as 'gossip'. What women do is trivialised, because it doesn't entertain them or they think they are Masters of the Universe by talking about big, global topics.

God, I’m exhausted just reading that! It sounds like very hard work.

I can see that you’re coming at this with different experiences during the day and so different hopes for how mealtimes work, but what I don’t understand is that your husband doesn’t seem to understand/intuit why you might feel the way that you do or want to compromise and instead keeps pushing (so it sounds like anyway) despite you explaining it. E.g. he ‘can’t understand’ why you don’t listen to lots of podcasts during the day - to me, it’s very obvious why you don’t from your brief explanation and I certainly wouldn’t need you to explain it more than once. Is it purely his low confidence driving this? It sounds exhausting.

I’m not sure how this can be achieved but I think you need a reset on the matter. Can you sit down with him and say ‘this is what I need and these are my boundaries. This is what I think you need - tell me if this is right’? And if he keeps pushing on the same themes, firmly remind him, ‘remember, I need this right now, thank you.’

Could you then agree a different approach to take the pressure off? Some ideas:

1. On working days, treat eating functionally, so you eat when you’re hungry and don’t have to wait for him until you’re starving. When you do eat together, lower the expectations on conversation.
2. Agree that once during the week, you’ll do something together that encourages you to talk - like going for a walk. This takes the pressure off meal times.
3. On non-working days, you do make a real effort around meal times, maybe agree something to discuss (as someone above suggested).

Just also to add that this does actually sound like controlling behaviour. I was being deliberately measured in my response above but your post set my teeth on edge.