(TW SA) New support thread …

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Another thread full, still learning that things are not normal as I thought they were .

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5522581-tw-sa-new-therapist-new-thread

thank you everyone for being so patient and supportive ❤️

Wow, so his change of behaviour lasted less than a week.

So much for his empathy and renewed care for you due to your night terrors.

He only really cares about his cock.

I think part of his ploy is to completely minimise the behaviour and confuse you into thinking that other people in relationships engage in this kind of thing. And I think I recall you saying that he even suggested that, effectively, it’s you that’s the problem because you had been assaulted previously. He takes complete advantage of the fact that you hadn’t had much by way of relationship experience before him because you were so young. I actually think it amuses him. And that he gets off knowing that you were a victim of assault and now you’re his victim. There’s no other explanation for someone who has heard you say countless times that you do not want to be molested whilst you sleep and yet continues to do it regardless.

Re:what to do - contact WA, the organizations the commenter above has mentioned, ask for your friends' help. You told them for a reason.

You know you have the strength to take action when you keep coming here and asking for advice despite the thread getting frantic at times and things being hard to hear.

Some of the steps these orgs advise you take may continue to seem drastic to you, but your therapist and whoever will advise you need to hear about what he said to you, which is a dealbreaker IMHO. He thinks that "in a loving relationship he could try his luck" and rape you after what you told him.

This is just my opinion:

He can try his luck = Your trauma, his abuse of you is a game to him. Several comments have pointed out your resisting (in the situation as well as for a week) and "surrendering" arouses him, and that's the only thing he cares about. It actually reminds me of how addiction works - the looking forward to getting their fix is part of it just as much as the fix itself.

Even more alarmingly, he wants to set the terms for not just a "relationship", but a "loving relationship". Why now? Because his good behaviour, his plying you with gifts was at least in part an act, calculated to prepare you for the next assault. He hasn't just rejected the fact that abuse has occurred and keeps happening, he believes abuse/rape are part of a loving relationship, which they never are and never can be (unless they are part of an explicitly sexual fantasy shared by two consenting partners who each agree to engage in that fantasy).

He either has no understanding of what it does with you (unlikely, you told him, he witnessed that night terror - if he isn't the cause himself), or he doesn't care. Whichever is the case, as a consequence he's not just trying to justify his abuse, he's trying to manipulate you into conflating love, sex, abuse and rape.

There are not enough gifts or acts of kindness in the world that could justify his doing this to you even once, nevermind repeatedly after you told him what it does to you.

I hope you're alright, Poet. You must be so heartbroken and disappointed and angry. None of this is your fault.

I'm worried about you PinkP. If he raped you last night, please consider calling 999 and putting and end to this situation. I'm really concerned about where you might be at. It's such a horrendous feeling when hope tips into despair as abusers show their true colours again. Many of us have been there.

This guy does not give a fuck does he. I think maybe he’s just completely convinced there’ll never really be a consequence so why do anything more than a few words to keep you quiet every now and then. I really feel for you OP, I actually think the false hope is one of the worst parts of domestic abuse - it’s so cruel.

I’m so sorry poet.
as we all said before, he doesn’t care. As long as he continues to believe this behaviour is acceptable and not rape, he will continue to do it, it actually doesn’t matter what ‘boundaries’ you put in place.
he doesn’t respect you or your body. He feels entitled to it. And it turns him on when you act reluctant. As I said, it’s a whole porn category.

you said if he did this again, that would be it, final straw.

please take this massive step for yourself and your children. Talk to women’s aid, your gp and your mother.

there will want to help.

your future self and your children will thank you one day.

I’m ok . Thank you for all the messages.
Im still planning what to do. Hard to contact anyone as he’s wfh a lot and I’m so busy with the kids . Trying to keep everything ‘normal’ for them

I think at the moment, that just 'being normal' through half term is the safest thing. See if you can get outside with the kids - do you have a park nearby which has a safe/ enclosed play area where you could message your friend? Do you have a messaging thread with WA that you can access on your phone while they play?

Are you working this week poet?
can you speak to anyone at work?
even call in sick for a day but act like you’re going to work; so you can have the time to yourself to think and go to your mum/gp? Local women’s centre

Baby steps @PinkPoetAgain1 it’s hard doing anything in this heat, especially with half term underway. Planning and thinking is good.

I was thinking about when you said telling your mum would just create pressure for you to leave, and then you fear you would go back to him and cut your family out. I wouldn’t recommend just telling your parents, not without seeking the additional support and advice from WA etc. first for the reasons you said, but if and when the time comes I think you could rely on them to be there for you and take over some of the immediate things. Take comfort in that. All you would need to do is tell them and then I’m sure they would take the wheel for that initial step away from him.

Planning and thinking sounds like the best idea right now. Use this thread if you need to. I hope you and the kids have as nice a half term as possible

Sorry this has happened, how is his behaviour since the incident. Is he still being nice and caring ect or has he reverted back to his normal behavior?

@PinkPoetAgain1

Thinking and planning are good things! You want to be able to separate 'in one fell swoop' if possible. I agree with a PP, if you can take a day off but appear to go to work that would be a good way to get off by yourself and make and receive phone calls in privacy.

When are you supposed to go to the bank with him to gain access to the bank account(s)? That's an important step to take before you tell him anything. It might also be a good time to be sure there are no other hidden accounts at that bank if you can do so without raising suspicions.

Right now 'stealth' is your best friend. You say nothing until your plans are complete, your ducks are in a row, and you have taken any actions you need to take before you tell him the marriage is over. If your preference is that he leaves (he should!) you need to have an alternate plan for you to leave.

Just wondering, PP, were you able to tell him to "get off me, stop doing that , I've told you NO" or something?

And if so, did he?

(Obviously, don't reply if you don't want to)

Sending you hugs x

The groping and inappropriate touching has stopped. He is taking intimacy at my pace. I have slept much better the past few nights. He’s encouraged me to book a night away to see my close friend and he’s been talking a lot about future plans. He’s made an app at the bank for us next week to sort the account. I can tell he’s making a real effort to show patience and regulate his emotions with the kids, he mentioned work has calmed down a bit has he’s finished some deadlines so he is leas stressed out.

Book that night away with your close friend and use it to open up to her. Use the time away from him to speak to WA again.

Which day this week is the appointment at the bank? It must be within the next 3 days, if I've got that right?