(TW SA) New support thread …

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Another thread full, still learning that things are not normal as I thought they were .

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5522581-tw-sa-new-therapist-new-thread

thank you everyone for being so patient and supportive ❤️

I don’t think he intentionally hurt me.

The thing is, he has used you as a sex toy for years. Treated you as though you have no agency and no rights. What kind of man thinks that’s ok? How could he hear you saying no, and decide to do it anyway?

It’s the kind of thing a parent might reasonably do with a child who won’t wear a coat, or get in the car seat- hear ‘no’, but do it anyway. And we do that because of the power differential. We know and understand what’s best for the child in that situation. We stop doing it when the children are, I don’t know, 6 maybe?

He’s treating you with the respect he’d give a 6 yr old.
How is he going to treat your DC? Will they ever be allowed autonomy?

Suppose he totally changes his behaviour now, because he has mysteriously learned that his former behaviour was wrong? Learned it only now, despite all your attempts to show him before.
Why would you want to just forget the years of abuse he put you through? The only reason I can think of, is that you still believe his happiness and contentment is more important than your wellbeing.

He called the bank (I was there) and they can add me on just need it in writing from him so will do that over the weekend

If he's playing ball now, don't simply get added to his bank account - use this moment to reposition yourself as an actual equal in your family's finances.

In a normal relationship that would mean -
You sit down together and have a full rundown of what accounts you each have and where (current account, savings accounts, pensions, investments, credit cards)
You discuss if your current setup makes sense - what does your pension look like, for example? Given you have taken a career hit to look after 4 children, probably worth considering whether you should start a private pension
How do you plan to deal with any debt?
Are you both happy with where you have investments, current account setup (do you want to have one joint account now for everything perhaps, especially given the earning disparity)
You (Poet) start a family finance spreadsheet which you regularly update with downloads from the various accounts and regularly review together.

It's about you being equal to him in the marriage.

It’s taken a breakdown, panic trauma and increased alcohol consumption for the husband to start treating PP as a person rather than an object. Without a doubt a sociopath.

I've never known someone having to write a letter to the bank to get a person added to an account. At least not in the last 10 years or so. No one writes letters anymore, it's all done online or over the phone or they might, at a push, send him a form to fill out.

The idea of him writing to them this weekend seems very far fetched to me. How would they even check the ID of the person writing to them? You can't put your passwords in a letter.

'My name is X, this is my account number, please add this person.'

Why would they accept that? Anyone could write a letter to get added to someone's bank account if all they need is the account number.

🐟

I just googled. Barclays and Lloyds you both have to go into the branch. Natwest it can be done on the app.

I suspect he did a 'fit up' with a mate: He phoned 'the bank', i.e. his friend who answered with the name of the bank, and then said a certain set of words that sounded like he would write a letter. That would be my understanding of what has happened. His letter would get lost, because as others have said it's done online or in person. We have Financial Power of Attorney for each of us. DH can see all my accounts and I can see all of his. We had to register them in person at the banks concerned with ID although we had joint and separate accounts with them (more than one).

Yes, the man has lied at every turn so far. He lied that he didn't remember the rape when pregnant, he lied that he didn't rape PP in her sleep the other day.

Time to be less credulous when he is being nice, especially when there is stuff which can be easily checked. And judge him by actions, not words.

Op Im a little worried about the financial side here. As others have said, he can't just write a letter to add you on. What would stop me adding Bob from down the road without his knowledge in that case? You would normally need to provide your own ID documents and consent, along with him consenting as well. Some Virgin Money accounts still ask for a form (personal experience) but again you'd both need to fill it out.

Likewise, for the credit card it can't really be "joint". You're either listed as an additional card holder (but why would you be? You dont have a card) or it was taken out in your name with him as the additional card holder which is serious fraud.

You can ask to see a credit card statement, which would confirm. Or sign up for a trial with a credit company.

A few years ago I was put onto an account of my DH's (Lloyds bank) and we had to go into branch, show ID etc, THEN set up a phone call, which was quite annoying as they were trying to sell us products as well. It wasn't particularly easy then, and the branch has since shut!

This is a good point about the bank, if you confirm the bank im sure someone can help you verify the rules.

Also with the credit card, its really worth opening a clearscore account and checking your credit file, as if debt has been opened in your name you really should register it as fraudulent.

I wonder if in his apparent awakening to how awful his behaviour is he admitted to raping you while you slept a couple of weeks ago and then lying about it to your face when you asked him the next day?

Why not? If he got a card for you on his cc account, that is paid off from the "joint" account"

why don't you have it in your possession?

That's another thing to ask him.

When WE decided to get a CC ( a Sainsbury's one, to get the Nectar points from where we shopped)

My DH got it, added me as an extra card holder, but HE is responsible for the debt.

I administer the Joint account, so he sends me the monthly statement, and I pay it.

I have online access to the cc account, he has online access to the joint account.

THAT'S what "normal joint financial accounts " look like!

I think there’s very little point saying these things to OP in her current frame of mind. There’s a noticeable shift, she’s been very protective of her husband again and those who say things about him she doesn’t agree with and she has decided that this fresh start is unlike all of the others he’s had. And we have to respect that. I remain concerned that asking him for more and more will put her at risk too.

Poet, all those podcasts/blogs/book you were reading by the domestic violence specialist who worked with men clearly started that change doesn’t happen whilst the abuser remains in the relationship. As much as I hope that your husband is different, the data says differently. It is much more likely that he’s having a sustained period of restraint having identified that you were moving towards the idea of leaving. My fear is that he will make you pay for this sustained period of restraint at some point but I hope, deeply, that I’m wrong about that.

Forgot to say, you can share whatever you need to hear. You can come back and tell us how it’s going, whether that’s good or bad. And everyone will still be be here.

Please listen fellow posters, I think it’s important we STOP focusing on finances and piling on about abuse now.

It is very likely we will push OP away - she is already replying less frequently.

The MOST important thing is she feels safe to write here.

I don't think OP is posting less. It's a bank holiday weekend, she has four children and is a busy mum. I expect she's out and about with family and friends. She's already said that she can't post much when he's around as he's suspicious of her phone use.

There may well be nothing that OP actually wants to share or talk about at the moment, posters should not expect her to be posting every day, she does have a life and this thread is here for her to come back to if/when she wants to.

As long as we don't fill it up, it's fine for people to post their advice/experience.
OP has said that she does read the posts even if not able/wanting to reply straight away and that all information is helpful to her. I expect and hope she is out enjoying the sunshine.

PP will be back when she's ready.

Hi @PinkPoetAgain1 apologies again, a bit like last time I haven’t read your thread but you’re still in my thoughts. I hope you’re doing okay and are able to have some good times this weekend.

i just wanted to share something and I hope that’s okay. I don’t know where you are at with your journey, but I’m a terrible sleeper so I tend to do lots of my thinking in the early hours and something came up for me in the early hours. I’m still with my husband but I know that he is abusing me. I don’t like to admit that and trust me, my mind does its bloody best to convince me otherwise because in someways it’s easier for me that way which is okay and I’m accepting and learning that it’s part of the process. What I’m about to say is personal, and it might not fit for you, and it has to be about what you feel not me. I don’t think my hubby is going to change, so the question I asked myself was, somehow say miraculously he somehow does and was to never hurt me ever again, can my body and mind truly ever feel safe and at ease with him? On a nervous system level, will I ever feel in my body and mind that I can ever really let go? Can I be openly vulnerable without my body worrying? I say that because I know for me, lots stored in the body. The answer was no. I’d always feel off, I’d always feel scared, hesitant, it would be at the back of my mind, like an itch I couldn’t stratch. I think my body would be waiting and worrying. So I know for me, I have to leave. I want more than this.

I hope I haven’t overstepped and I know that I haven’t read your thread so I do apologise if this is overstepping of I’ve completely missed something and made things worse. I just wondered how that might look for you too, to reflect on. You don’t have to reply, and you don’t have to sit with the question. I just wanted to share. No pressure either, it’s hard, and we’re not all in the same boat. I’m sorry if me sharing that was wrong.

sending love to you

@Becksta1 sharing that was very, very brave.

That was extremely courageous of you to share. I think it’s a very valid question for Poet and it helps that it has come directly from someone who (unfortunately and sadly) is in a similar position.

I hope you find peace and happiness.

Becksta1 I have read a bit of your threads and I feel so sad for you, just like OP here. Would you be ok if we share a link to your threads here?

I have a feeling that OP may read them if she hasn't already and really empathise with your situation. Much like you, she hurts for and wants to help everyone else before herself, not thinking your situations are "that bad."

And yet everyone here is telling you both that it is that bad. It's just hard to see when it's all the reality you know.

If you think that would be help OP, that’s fine with me xx

@Becksta1 love to you, I wish you all the best too.

you make a very important point. Your body. Your nervous system. Doesn’t forget.

There is a fantastic trauma book called ‘The Body Keeps the Score” by Bessell van der Kolk written specifically about this.

This is why victims of chronic and complex PTSD have a much higher likelihood of developing long term health conditions such as chronic fatigue, fibromyalgia, chronic pain, cardio issues and autoimmune disorders.

All this is so true. My F stopped sexually abusing my DSis and me when I was 13. My memories were repressed and I carried on in the same home as if nothing had happened. But my body didn’t forget and I could never bear to have him touch me. I avoided him, which led to my DM telling me off for hurting his feelings. (She thought it was about his Parkinson’s Disease, she’s since told me.)