(TW SA) New support thread …

[PinkPoetAgain1]

Another thread full, still learning that things are not normal as I thought they were .

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5522581-tw-sa-new-therapist-new-thread

thank you everyone for being so patient and supportive ❤️

Not wanting to derail or be confrontational.
I ve posted a few times to Poet .
My post,I think, was a supportive one to Poet.
Perhaps @scoobysnaxx you could reread .
Why ridiculous.???
Stating the obvious actually.
Poet isn t ready to contemplate leaving him.
A few of the previous posts to mine were really laying it on re the abuse.Poet is educating herself.She is becoming aware and actually acting on the excellent support and info received from the thread.
Why everyone is pointing out the obvious ( regarding the relationship) and laying it on thick is unneccesarry at this stage .
Poet has choices, she s in a place mentally that most of us ( thankfully ) cannot comprehend.
So I m just saying what others have said ; lay off a bit.
She s choosing to stay for now.
Her life...her choice.

Apologies@PinkPoetAgain1
I didn t mean to make you feel like this,; it was not my intention.
I was speaking more to the posters on the thread .
I thought some were coming down a bit hard on you.
I don t understand or comprehend what you must be going through, but I m following and as always sending support.
Please know we all hope and wish the best outcome for you and your children.
Keep reading and taking strength from those who are able to give you great information,knowledge and strength in helping you come through this X

These threads have been going on for some time now, and Pink has said she finds it helpful to have the perspectives she finds here even if hard to read. She certainly keeps returning and starting new ones to facilitate that. She’s not always able to come on here but I don’t think it’s because she’s been chased away. She has also said before when she wants particular topics to be dropped, and yes that should be respected.

I think it’s best to leave it in her hands and for (undoubtedly well-meaning) posters to either address something they disagree with directly or otherwise not try to police this thread based on what they think is ‘too much’.

I wanted to do a little update to those who have been kindly offering me a listening ear all these weeks.
I’m aware it’s only been a couple days but things have been really, really good. He’s being really lovely and not in a love-bombing way - with gifts /extravagance, in a way that really makes me feel like he’s finally heard me.

The groping and inappropriate touching has stopped. He is taking intimacy at my pace. I have slept much better the past few nights. He’s encouraged me to book a night away to see my close friend and he’s been talking a lot about future plans. He’s made an app at the bank for us next week to sort the account. I can tell he’s making a real effort to show patience and regulate his emotions with the kids, he mentioned work has calmed down a bit has he’s finished some deadlines so he is leas stressed out.

I feel like something clicked on Friday night , I was out with friends and I was telling them things were hard at the moment. A much older friend told me how many ups and downs she’d had in her marriage. I just felt like yes, he’s been a shit and yes he’s made some bad mistakes but there are many many ‘pros’ to the relationship as well. I’ve probably not detailed them because I’ve only really mentioned the bad parts but he truly is a 50/50 parent, loving, generous and supportive of my goals and most of the time I feel like we are compatible and I like his as well as love him.

I feel like my brain has just like made a decision to be happy now. Like a switch tripped .

i honestly haven’t thought about the SA in the last couple days and I don’t feel anxious or panic anymore. The opposite. I feel really happy. It could be relief as people say but yesterday I was watching the kids playing in the sunshine and I felt like I was floating on air , like so so happy . I felt so lucky to have my life and a big part of that is from him. I don’t want to spend anymore time being miserable so I won’t.

IF he starts to be inappropriate again then I think I am done. But it just feels different somehow. Maybe he realises he went too
far and he might lose me and our family.

thank you everyone for your continued support and I will continue to update but I am hoping to enjoy a beautiful BH weekend with the family. I hope you all do as well ❤️

I imagine, if its like the previous school break, that PPs husband is likely to be around alot as I seem to remember him deciding to work from home - or was it after some therapy and a big chat. Either way I imagine that he is around more than usual, possibly doing family stuff to reinforce the Nice Husband thing.

If it means a break from it all, then that is good. I hope you are going to therapy on Tuesday - as Monday is bank holiday - and will he mind the kids while that happens?

IF he manages to sustain this, IF he really has had a damascean conversion, then you are still very much going to need that support to help you to regain trust and move forward in a more appropriate partnership role, and to recognise and have the ability to assertively stand your ground in all issues, and rebuild your self esteem and confidence.

I hope you are able to have a peaceful few days

Let’s just hope he doesn’t have a stressful time at work again then…… there is NO excuse or coming back from SA.

I’m glad you’re feeling happy, and I would say stronger? You’re getting a taste of how your life should be and yes I do hope if he reverts to type it does click for you that it’s over. You’ve basically gained some ground here so I hope you push to make sure these promised actions materialise, and keep processing everything good and bad in therapy.

Wishing you a lovely weekend, you deserve peace and I’m glad you’re getting it at the moment.

'He’s being really lovely and not in a love-bombing way - with gifts /extravagance, in a way that really makes me feel like he’s finally heard me.'

but

what about the debt/s he was suddenly so worried about - only a couple of weeks ago at the most

I think OP means, not with gifts, just being nice because he's not under any work stress at the moment.

You’ve found your voice Poet and you deserve a lovely weekend. We all wish you the best, keep up the therapy (and I still think you should do a Claire’s Law request) x Don’t feel like you need to step away from this thread though. I know sometimes it feels like a pile on, it isn’t meant to be.

Have a lovely half term all :)

@PinkPoetAgain1

I wish you well and I hope that all your new dreams of him come true.

But please remember that just in case they don't, we will be here with no judgment if you feel the need to return.

I’m aware it’s only been a couple days but things have been really, really good. He’s being really lovely and not in a love-bombing way - with gifts /extravagance, in a way that really makes me feel like he’s finally heard me.

The groping and inappropriate touching has stopped. He is taking intimacy at my pace. I have slept much better the past few nights. He’s encouraged me to book a night away to see my close friend and he’s been talking a lot about future plans. He’s made an app at the bank for us next week to sort the account. I can tell he’s making a real effort to show patience and regulate his emotions with the kids, he mentioned work has calmed down a bit has he’s finished some deadlines so he is leas stressed out.

I must admit I am a little confused because OP is posting as if this is the first time he's been like this, but her previous posts all describe the same 'nice' part of the phase before going back to the abuse again.

I mean, surely he's been nice to her a couple of days in a row before. This isn't anything new right?

And it's not even all good.

He’s made an app at the bank for us next week to sort the account. He said he had to write to them this weekend, was that a lie then?

he’s making a real effort to show patience and regulate his emotions with the kids He has to make a 'real effort' to be nice around his kids?

This is what I mean about the good times not really being good times. I know that's not what OP wants to hear but if it really was that easy for him to change why has he been putting her through hell?

OP keeps saying he can't help it, it's not his fault he abuses her. But now she is saying he can help it? I know she will keep on excusing him, even when he goes back to his blatant sexual assaults. He will say that he's earned sex so even if she doesn't want to, she'll go along with it to try and keep the peace again.

It's just such a sad, sad story and the saddest of all is that OP thinks all is lovely.

It's only been a few days, and so the mention of 'taking intimacy at my own pace' gives me pause.

Does that mean that Poet and her husband haven't had sex because he's respected her stated boundaries and she hasn't felt the need to cave to his desire, or does that mean that he's 'managed' not to be pushy at nights because she's been offering sex up to him?

That, along with the inconsistencies around the bank account, and 'making a real effort to show patience and regulate his emotions with the kids' are concerning. The latter makes me think if he's truly a 50/50 parent, and he's having to make a 'real effort' to be a stable, patient parent, then just how much impatience and unregulated emotions have they been taking the brunt of up until now?

It's sad to think that in Poet's framing of the situation, it all boils down to the fact that he seriously abused her for years because he somehow just didn't realise his clearly harmful actions were wrong, and it has nothing to do with him being a disciple of a PUA manifesto that advocates for exactly that kind of calculated abuse and control.

I hope that he does behave with a bare minimum of decency from here on out, and that Poet continues to build her strength and independence. But as pp have said, no one will judge you if it all goes tits up again, Poet. We hope for the best but expect the worst, as the saying goes.

After all, a man who physically pins and pries his wife's legs apart and digitally rapes her after she's said 'no' multiple times, is unlikely to just turn over a new leaf.

I can only wish the Poet the best of luck because I don’t think she will be back.
She will always be welcome here.

Why do you think she won't be back?

She's just enjoying her weekend and the kids will be off next week too, so she's understandably busy.

I will continue to update but I am hoping to enjoy a beautiful BH weekend with the family

I truly wish you all the best. The weather is amazing, and it feels good to grab little bits of joy where we can find them.💐

I wish you well, Poet, and I really hope it works out for you with him. Wishing you a very happy half term break with your DC, in this lovely weather. ❤️

Poet I doubt the friend you mentioned was talking about being raped and sexually assaulted several times when she talked about ‘downs’ in her long marriage. I expect that if she knew that’s what it meant for you, she’d be very concerned about you and your taking her advice in this context.

I wish you the best. It’s very hard to hear you talk about your luck and your kind of euphoric love for your husband given everything he has done to you. At least you’ve reached out to services now and so you know that there are experts there to support you if you need them and that’s a good thing.

I think Poet is in a dream state and has got enough as she needs for now.
Coming back here will give her some reminders she may not want to see.
Of course she will always get support here.

It is unimaginable that someone who has been a victim of such abuse has just “made a decision to be happy because her brain has switched.”

It’s like watching someone drive off a cliff in slow motion repeatedly.

I wish you could break free of this spell OP, I really really do.

I think this is what Poet would like the permanent scenario to be. This is like seeing her dream come true. It is so false and she will come crashing down when it ends. l feel so sorry for her.

I don’t think making comments like that are helpful at all, you’re being rude and condescending.

I'm not being rude or condescending but realistic. I do really hope I am proved wrong about Poet's situation and outcome.

Yes me too. It’s hard to imagine that the change over the last few days is permanent. But she’s more aware now, and she has said that if her H reverts to type that will be it for her.

This thread will still be open here for her if and when she comes back.

fucking HELL
I woke up to sexual contact AGAIN this morning. I woke up and he was down there. Touching me. Why does he continue to let me down. I feel ashamed for my optimism and so tired of it.

His excuse is that it’s ok ‘in a loving relationship it’s fine to try his luck like that’

fucks sake
what do I do